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What to do with a mom who's always creating problems?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Karee, Jul 29, 2013.

  1. Karee

    Karee New IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    Iam posting this to get more views and feedback- more opinions and suggestions the better--- I posted this earlier as a reply to another thread but it got lost in the crowd. I would like a feedback very earnestly - I just want to make the right decision...Please read this to the end and pen me your thoughts..

    Iam the only daughter of single parent. I live abroad and my mom in india. She is 63 years old now.My parents divorced when I was 10, stayed with my mom till 16 before moving out of town for studying. Always had a difficult relationship with my mom. Was closer to my dad till he expired when I was 17.

    As a baby I stayed with my fathers mom for the first 5 years of my life.- parents were in another town due to jobs and would visit me for annual vacations. Still rem'ber some cold discriminations done by my grandmom between me (kid of her least fav son) and other more favoured grandkids who would come with their parents. Some memories still linger in my mind - and Iam 33!!! - I have some memory!

    The story behind staying with my dad's mom was bcos my mom had a strained relation with her. She didnt come to see me when I was born and said she didnt want to have anything to do with me. So, mom inorder to teach her a lesson - left me with her and boarded the train to another town! My mom's sister and mom said they would take care of me, but my mom wanted to teach her mil a lesson.- So, my care giver was chosen - a person who didnt want me!

    My parents came back and took me with them when I was 5 years old. Everyday was constant fighting, quarreling, tears etc etc till they divorced when I was 10.

    My mom took me to stay with her - and the abuse started - everyday cursing with the most filthiest language, beatings- chappals, belts, brooms - was beaten like a dog most days of my life!! Stabbed me on the hand with a knife twice - threw curries and steel glasses on my head- most unimaginable things! Told me she wished I died and didnt want me..I survived it all somehow- i dont know how- I attempted suicide twice- took rat poison - didnt take enough- didnt have the courage to end my life- thought of running away somewhere - was **** scared....Would confide in my best friend who is my best friend till today---had nobody else to turn to for help..

    My mom would come back from office everyday - sleep till 5, get up and walk off to some neighbour or friend - n stay there till 9 or10 in the night (causing them inconvenience). Come back make me cook dinner - rem'ber I was just 1o-11..If the food didnt turn out good she would make me eat the whole sabji. Then in the morning I was expected to get up sweep the house, mop the floor, clean vessels and fill water for the whole day, throw the garbage, take bath n rush to school...She would make bfast and lunch which was rice with a veg - no questions asked- eat u like or not like.

    She would constantly remind me not to go with my father as he would kill me and that he was a bad guy etc. And then when she would meet her friends, she would say- " I have told her she can go with her father if she wants - I dont want her with me- she can go" As a 10 year old I felt very insulted and sad as an unwanted child - this kept on happening till i was 12 when I broke down in front of one of her friends.I never saw my dad after that - she blocked his attempts at wanting to meet us.

    And in the meanwhile my mom has been fighting with her sisters, brother, parents, neighbours, her office colleagues so much so that nobody bothers about her...everybody keeps a safe distance from her.
    I was good at studying , so focused all my energies on studying, got good marks, got into good courses and god blessed me with a good job. Then
    I had a love marriage. had some issues with my in-laws till my hubby "matured" :)

    My mom from the beginning of the marriage, in fact after a month or so started that she wanted to come and stay with us- at that time we were in india in a diff town. Later when we had our baby we moved to our hometown. Then I asked her to come and stay with me in between- whenever you want come and stay here! - My mom packed her bags, hired a moving company and moved in with All her stuff! I kept telling her not to but didnt listen to me!! My husband was abroad at that time and so she probably thought it was a good opportunity to be with us!- My mom doesnt have much friends as i said before.

    And then it began again. First she started fighting with my fulltime maid- after I packed her off, she started fighting with me - to the point she started shaming me- We lived in a penthouse in the best locality in town. To show other people - like watchman, maids etc- she started sleeping on the terrace floor , would not eat food, sit near the dustbin and just eat fruits- a cousin bro from her side came visiting us then, he asked me to throw her out for her behavior..Being my mother I couldnt do anything about it. I thought I was stuck for life...It was a festival day, my babies 1st - my mom sits in the hall not eating food and looking with anger at us- I went to her and told her mummy please get up, its my babies 1 st festival, lets be happy, please eat food, she doesnt listen and sits there like a statue. So I decided to go to my in-laws house. I went with my baby and we had a good time.

    Then my hubby came back from abroad and we used to visit my in-laws - whenever we visited my in-laws she would create a ruckus which we ignored, then she started making stories so that I would fight with my in-laws. I thankfully had the commonsense to see through it and my hubby is very supportive.

    We thought we were stuck with her for life, I prayed for a way out and gladly god sent her transfer to another town!!! I still believe in Miracles!!
    Then thankfully while she was there we moved abroad. Now she has retired and wants to come stay with us forever.

    I brought her here abroad twice in the last 3 years just bcos she is alone not bcos of love. Last time she came we had a fight and she started behaving her crazy self - no eating, drinking, not looking at our faces and to top it all- when a family friend came visiting - she started crying in front of them( a few minutes back she was smiling with us and posing for photographs - it was my 2nd baby's naming day) - so evident that she wanted to make us look bad in front of others...She came to stay with us for 3 months both times- but she wants to be here forever now...Bcos of her unreasonable behavior starting again we sent her back giving some excuses. But she knows in her mind that she was sent back.

    So now that she is back, she has started speaking bad about me and my husband to all people around- friends, family and even strangers! She says that "my daughter is having a good life- so now she doesnt bother about me- doesnt take care of me etc" I call her regularly, sent her money and have my best friend visit her often. Also in the last 3 years she came here 2 times and we went there once. But she apparently is now bent on creating a bad name for me and my husband. Sometimes I feel, she is jealous of me...I have a lot of baggage. I want to make sure, she is safe and healthy but I cant let her sow sadness into my life the way she did it before.

    The point is except my friend nobody knows about her relationship with me - others think of me as monster who was taken care by her mother ( and my mom has the audacity to say that she looked after me so well) after my dad left us and now Iam not keeping her with me! iam not that and I dont want her to keep doing this. I dont know what I will do with her. Please help with suggestions! I tried for a girl to stay with her at night - someone we know- she says that ur mom is always shouting and angry- I cant stay with her! Nobody who knows her wants to be near her...She has actually become such a trouble! She doesnt have any friends or relatives to visit - she has fought them all offf!!

    Please help me- how to resolve this situation! ​
     
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  2. utopia

    utopia Bronze IL'ite

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    Karee,

    Wow! So much drama by your own mother.. I am sorry that you had to go through so much of pain from your young age. I know that these incidents would have scarred you for life.

    I personally think your mother is doing all these ruckus just to be heard and seen by people. Unfortunately, that is not happening as she is taking the wrong route of screaming and being angry to get noticed..she should be kind and humble so that others can enter in her life..

    Think about it, she got divorced at an early age, according to her got "stuck up" with a kid, having a job with transfers wherein she cannot make a permanent friend or companion..she feels herself to be used by people around her and that nobody wants her,not even her own daughter.. all those filthy words and abuse was a form of crying out to the world, of how lonely she was/is. Same when she does not eat,sits near dustbin etc, she just wants attention from you and your now extended family. I am not saying that what she did was right, but this is what I can think of,from her perspective, for all the horrible things she has done.

    No one was there to show her the right path. Now, it is only you who she has got and she can turn to..Is it possible for you to come to India for a period of say,6 months? She will need professional help to get rid of her bitter thoughts. Also, you can take her to multiple temples around to get her some peace of mind..She can even join some non profit organizations and help people..

    If she does not have a house of her own, you can help in getting a small house for herself, so that she does not have to stay in a rented place and keep worrying about money..that way, at least one of her worries will be solved.

    But the most important thing is, do not bring your mom with you until all these issues are solved..having a safe distance is very important for your mental health and sculpting the mental health of your kids.. and kudos to your husband for being patient and supporting you so much..
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2013
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  3. attitudegirl

    attitudegirl Platinum IL'ite

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    ahhh!! I wish I could just give u a tight hug right now... I was withholding my tears back when I was goin thru ur post...

    It must have been so painful for u, growing like this...
    I think ur mom needs serious medical help.. Take her to a psycologist..

    Additionally, I would advise that u seek professional help too, consult a counsellor or psycologist.. seriously.. I think only a professional person will be able to guide thru this pain and problem.. Ur scars are too deep for me to say or comment anything...

    U have to be a very very strong person to become a good wife and good mom, and in being a good daughter u r neglecting the other aspects of life, its not fair on u or them. so pls focus on that and seek help..
     
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  4. strangegirl

    strangegirl Silver IL'ite

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    God... I think your mother needs professional psychiatric help rather than normal love and affection from a daughter.

    I know of a family, similar to yours and the daughter is going through hell, although she is just 23 and not married yet.

    Similar to your mom, the mom of my friend too is behaving weird. She is a divorcee by herself, and no one knows what's behind her marriage.
    She developed this anti-social nature, and distanced from everyone with her bad behavior. In spite of treating her only daughter with love and affection, this mother hates her to the core. My friend has marks all over her body, which says how bad her childhood was.

    But I am glad that you survived from all that, married to your loved one, and managed a living with 2 kids like any other normal girl. Contrastingly my friend had developed some emotional issues, and hence she is unable to stick with any relationships. Be it friendship or love, she would create problems.
    She doesn't have a good education or a career either. So, her mom's negative influence has almost spoiled my friend's entire life. She is emotionally not balanced, hence need therapy.

    I am glad that you survived, and proved that there is really a God up above.

    Coming to your problems... It is very common behavior of single parents, specially moms those go through a bad marriage; hence divorce. Although not everyone reacts the same, and I've seen the stronger version of successful women here. But frankly the do not form the majority.
    The society makes these women inferior and emotionally weak in many ways. Those who can not balance the societal discrimination on them, become anti-social too soon; hence they reflect their bad nature/anger and everything on the most vulnerable persons who are dependent to them. Specially their children become vulnerable and exposed to these parents/moms.

    Eg; I read somewhere, when a woman's sexual desire is not fulfilled (specially the divorced Indian women have no choice of sex satisfaction once divorced), they show their dissatisfaction and anger onto their children in other means.
    When the society treat them bad (in India, it happens for many divorced women), they show that anger on their vulnerable kids.

    You need a better life.. No doubt about it.

    Try sending your mom to a psychiatrist, she needs medicines for her prolonged psychological problems.

    Send her money, and keep her in a safest place with needful comforts. Do not bring her to the US, just because of the community. It is not worth losing your own life for the sake of community.

    Ignore her bad comments... and just move on as normal as you can.
     
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  5. Karee

    Karee New IL'ite

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    Dear ladies,

    Thank you all for the replies....I really needed a fresh perspective...except my hubby n my best friend nobody knows about these aspects of my life..So getting to know a new person's view had become absolutely necessary....I was torn between should i get her here with me or am I being a bad person or am I doing the right thing by not getting her here etc..now i feel I should seek medical help for her..though I know that she is not going to accept it..She will make more stories about how wicked Iam! But now I know that I should stop feeling guilty about she being alone..

    She is financially well to do. Has many properties, lives in a good flat --My friend drops in by to check on her sometimes..I have provided her a car, send her money regularly and call her regularly too...Only thing she lacks is "Company" or a "partner" and so I think she kind of wants to be with me n my family nw..

    Utopia: You mentioned if I cud be in India for 6 months to provide her medical help....well its too difficult at this point in time...2 small kids n my job will not permit me to stay away for more than a week or so..I will try to get in touch with some psycologist whom I can engage in her treatment....

    Anyways these replies kind of give me more clarity of thought....thanks a lot!!
     
  6. utopia

    utopia Bronze IL'ite

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    That sounds like a good plan Karee..our best wishes to you and your family..
     
  7. Mridhu

    Mridhu Silver IL'ite

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    I do not think your mother is going to agree to see a phycologist and she will only bad mouth about you.....Better stay away from her and offer any emotional support that she may need by talking to her daily...be very assertive and if she complains, be bold and tell her about how bad she has been and on top of it...you are being good to her as you respect the parent child relationship....
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel she had been suffering with some mental issues from the beginnig and it's very hard to find out the mental depression in a person.Please seek for professional help.
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friend,
    Your Mom needs company and is now retired having good financial backing , reasonable health.
    Why not look for a good retirement home for her , there are many such projects in several parts of India, very posh and comfortable without the stigma of the previous old age homes.
    One can buy a unit and they have catering, health services ,club and also shopping trips, medical checkups.
    If they allow a trial stay then maybe she will like being with her own age group and make friends , decide to stay there and visit you sometimes.
    Many retired couples have opted for such places willingly.
     
  10. shrutimanjunath

    shrutimanjunath Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am in the same boat as you. Its very difficult in such situations to support her.Hats off to you. May be she is jealous of you or may be shes very insecured , that's why she behaves this way. Its very tricky as in this case for any solution. She is doing totally wrong. As you said, that some god miracles have saved you from the past. God is surely watching it now and he will give you a solution. I pray for you.
     
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