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Arrogant DH - Depressed. Please help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chetavani50, Jul 1, 2013.

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  1. Jul 1, 2013 #1
    chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear ILites,
    I need very urgent help and suggestions from you .My DH is a very arrogant person. He orders each and everything at home and all the chores should be done as per his wish only. Even the smallest things like - what clothes to put in the washing machine, what bags to take while travelling, when to take head bath (me and DD) , what to wear for work , etc etc .He gets very much irritated if I point out at him. Of course he takes good care of me and my DD.
    I feel that because I just listen to him he likes me. I should neither question him nor point at him. And in reverse he asks - You have got a negative opinion on me. So all the things I do seem to u like that.
    O.K.Then. If he's right that I have a negative opinion on him, why will I ever get such opinion on him? During the early days of our marriage, he used to say that we will be like friends. But now he has become the chief commander of our house. He just orders. Do this,do that.We r just TVs and he has the remote. And when I asked him so, he burst out like anything and shouted. My worry is that my DD is now growing and she is observing everything.I am much concerned about what her feelings will be if we shout like that.Not everytime we fight but these small issues burst out once . And at the same time I need some individuality.Isn't it? I feel like ha has taken me for granted. I am his cook cum tution-teacher cum sleeping partner - all in one. I am working and I earn more than him. To compensate his inferiority, I have given my ATM card to him so that problems will not arise in our marriage due to finance. He justifies everything he does or tells. He is used to it.
    Please ILs help me as to what to do now.I direly need some recognition. All our relatives consult him for major decisions leaving me aside. At home also I am not given importance/ he does not ask my opinion while buying computers/TVs/gadgets.
    P.S. : Sorry long post.Needed to vent out.
     
    chetavani50, Jul 1, 2013
    chetavani50, Jul 1, 2013
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  2. Jul 1, 2013 #2
    MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    Just say jokingly, OK BOSS..or tell him with a smile, hey don't be such a control freak...he is one by the way.
     
    MaritalBliss, Jul 1, 2013
    MaritalBliss, Jul 1, 2013
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  3. Jul 1, 2013 #3
    shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Chetavani,

    You can never ask for recognition, you have to seek it. Both the spouse have equal rights in marriage. It's fine that you have given him your ATM card, as he is ur hubby. But don't let him dominate you for each and every small things. We women think that by obeying to whatever our husbands says will maintain the peace of our household, but we forget that in doing so we are losing our own sanity and self identity. This has a very bad effect on our own well being. How long a human being can only obey instruction without having her own say. It's so suffocating. Simply tell a big NO whenever he points out what to wear, how to do things n stuff like that. Tell him you are an adult and know how to handle things. Agree with him when he is right, but don't give in just to make him happy. By this you are just encouraging his dominant behavior.
    Plz stop acting according to his whims and fancies. Develop your own identity and people will recognize you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2013
    shama146, Jul 1, 2013
    shama146, Jul 1, 2013
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  4. Jul 1, 2013 #4
    nicegirlradhi

    nicegirlradhi Gold IL'ite

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    OP, i think you have very valid points to get upset at your DH behavior. My suggestion is, you have to try to be more independent and stop for his validations on your actions. For ex, if he says you wear this dress, say BOLDLY that you dont like that color or matching prob and refuse to wear. Im not asking you to pick up fight with him at every point. ofcourse you should respect his feelings and opinions. BUT THAT RESPECT AND CARE HAS TO BE MUTUAL AND NOT ONE WAY TRAFFIC. Please ensure that you voice your discomfort to your husband
     
    nicegirlradhi, Jul 1, 2013
    nicegirlradhi, Jul 1, 2013
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  5. Jul 1, 2013 #5
    chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank u each and everyone for your prompt responses.
    My DH argues more convincingly than me.
    I leave for office at 8-15 am and reach home by 6-30 PM. And that too six day week.
    Whereas his office is just beside our house and his timings are much more flexible. So he takes care of DD when she returns from school.
    That's OK. And he often alerts me that I am doing so and so. Last month he had been to a foreign trip . When I started helping him with his packing - He told " U need not come. I know what to pack" . Tears rolled from my eyes. He thinks he is the king of the house.
    When I ask him to delegate some work he says that I don't do it properly and bla bla bla. I am not allowed to go out of the house except for office. If I need to go, I should take his prior permission and I should take someone to accompany with me.
    Whenever I keep Henna for hair he says - Why do you spoil your hair with all the nonsense ?
    If I wear sari for work he says - Don't wear sarees. They take time and you will be late for office.
    Why will you buy that many dresses? Aren't 10 dresses enough for office ?
    And he never tells me anything reg. his office. He even goes to parties where he enjoys social drinking and I never say NO to him. I feel that he should enjoy but he is not that way. He enjoys controlling me.
     
    chetavani50, Jul 1, 2013
    chetavani50, Jul 1, 2013
    #5
  6. Jul 1, 2013 #6
    ushae

    ushae Silver IL'ite

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    Only 3 ways.

    1) Make him understand your feelings and he should change
    2) adapt yourself the way he wants
    3) If both are not possible then Separation
     
    ushae, Jul 1, 2013
    ushae, Jul 1, 2013
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  7. Jul 1, 2013 #7
    chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear ushae,
    Thanks for your reply.
    I vote for no.1 option. I am clear with that. And I donno how. I can't stop thinking of me being neglected at my own home . No way.
     
    chetavani50, Jul 1, 2013
    chetavani50, Jul 1, 2013
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  8. Jul 1, 2013 #8
    shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    You are so naive. you think by talking he will understand your feelings and change. This happens only in movies. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. you have to change yourself.
    P.S. based on personal exp.
     
    shama146, Jul 1, 2013
    shama146, Jul 1, 2013
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  9. Jul 1, 2013 #9
    Nimbu

    Nimbu Silver IL'ite

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    Hi..I remember one of my friend's family. I guess the husband was typically like yours...I always wonder how come my friend manages her H. Then when they became our neighbors I understood the trick. He was a mooody person to the core just the opposite of my friend. Infact he was doing a business which I never think gained him a penny. But she was earning quite well. She was a bubbly and cheerful girl.

    She puts each word in front of him like as though it was funny!!

    Ex:She a kinda imitates him but very funny..like the way he is bossing.. He never talks/shares anything/ready to listen to her...only word he speaks out is pakalam, seiyalam (lets see, will do). In turn she will catch it..if by chance he was forced to find out something from her..same words she will use. Sometimes I burst out in laughter if it happens in their balcony. LOL!

    Try doing it; in a way you will feel vented out from out depression and it might bring some change in him..though it could be a slow process.

    When he is trying to restrict in your personal space..once or twice trying drawing a line for his own space...Like he is going for outing/evening drink say NO'. He will resist..say you would also follow this when you needed a similar occasional going out (though you may not do it the first instance)

    The main reason could be his inferiority complex and he is trying to overcome that by bossing around which is a male dominant phenomenon. To some extent be patient but need not be submissive for all scenarios.

    Whenever you get the YOU time where he is in a good mood make use of that and try to make him understand your pain.

    Never be depressed it will make you frustrated and will be definitely spoiling your DD's life too. Relax as much as possible at least when you are away from home at work / with office colleagues.

    Wish you get a pleasant life soon.
     
    Nimbu, Jul 1, 2013
    Nimbu, Jul 1, 2013
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    3 people like this.
  10. Jul 2, 2013 #10
    chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah. My DH is used to bossism. Even when we go to guests' house, he never allows me to talk freely . He indulges in the middle . Same is the case when we visit our relatives house. Everybody's opinion is that I am good for nothing and he is very capable. He does not even trust me that well . Actually he lies very frequently and he thinks that the opposite person is also lying to him.
     
    chetavani50, Jul 2, 2013
    chetavani50, Jul 2, 2013
    #10
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