Saddistic behaviour of my Bro. Help needed

blackbeauty84 · Jun 8, 2013

Warning!! This is going to be a long post.

My brother got married in February 2013. A brief background about him. He had hyper- activity when he was 5 year old and was treated for the same till his 8th year. Doctor stopped the medication stating things are getting normal and was asked to brought for checkup at age of 15. At that time, he was pronounced okay.
Academically he was moderately okay and was bit short tempered and lazy. He got into a job soon after his college.

Though he doesn't talk much and involve in family matters, he had a small friends circle in office. When my parents initiated the topic of marriage, he asked for one year's time. Post that the search process began. He had a courtship period of around six months. During those six months, he had met his fiancé almost on every weekend and spoke to her for hours daily.

After marriage, he was living separately. My parents wanted him to live separately as they want him to have some space. Though he was not ready with that idea, he accepted it soon.

Post marriage things were smooth for few days. Around 15 days back, he had come to my parents house, where in the bed room he has slapped my sis-in-law. On hearing this, my parents started questioning me, he said it's my personal matter. That time my sis-in-law said that he has been using lot of foul words and doesn't talk much to her.

Three days back, he has again physically abused her and behaved psychotically. He has tortured her verbally, physically, emotionally all through the night. My sis-in-law stepped out of house and went to her parents place and called me.

Now the issue is
1)He is not close to any of us. Doesn't talk to me, my elder brother or cousin's much. When my parents try to talk to him, he shouts at them asking them to leave alone.

2)I was not involved much in my brothers marriage process. But his childhood problem was not disclosed to the girl's family. It seems sis-in-law came to know, when I mentioned it yesterday.

3) When questioning him on why have you physically and verbally abused her, he has been saying that she(sis-in-law) is the one behaving like mental patient and provoking him

4)My sis-in-law says that at times he says(My parents, me, elder brother) treated him like **** and cries. This was a false accusation where in my mom especially gave him a special royal treatment throughout. He tries to blame sis-in-law for everything happening in life etc.

5)This marriage is not consummated yet. I don't know the exact cause of this.

6)The other side of my brother is he has showered her with huge quantity of gifts, taken her to restaurants and had acted like how a husband should be.

7)My sis-in-law still sees flicker of hope in this marriage and wants him to come to doctor. My parents went to his house for convincing him for that. At the moment my brother is in Munnar. This was supposed to be a second honeymoon trip, which he has gone alone. I don't know how after causing all this he can go there.

I had fixed an appointment with the doctor who treated him the childhood, so that she can say whether this is because of the childhood problem he had. I'm clueless on what to do next. My brother is in a shell and it's going to be quite difficult to convince him to come for doctor. I threatened him with legal consequences of his abusive behavior, for which he replied 'none of your business' and went away.

Though I know there is not much that can be done here, do you think any measures will help?

ivlakshmi · Jun 8, 2013

You should not have hidden his mental condition to sil before marriage. It is a big mistake.
Talk to sil on what is causing him anger. Tell your sil on how your brother has been treated by your mom so that she can know how to treat him as she still has hopes in this marriage.

RadiantFlower · Jun 8, 2013

Well, whatever psychotic problem he's suffering from, it seems to me that he needs professional help - if he won't go willingly to be treated, then as his close family you could all attempt an intervention once again and this time make sure that he's given the medical help he needs.

It must be such a worrying time for you all, having to stand by and watch him self-destruct.

Radhai · Jun 11, 2013

WOW! It is nice to see a sister in law being compassionate towards her sister in law. beautiful heart u have, beauty.

aamrapali · Jun 11, 2013

This may be a situation where a joint family set up might help, even if temporarily. I know families where the girls have been closer to in-laws than to their own spouse and the in-laws provided them with the care and affection that the girl did not get from her husband.

You should not leave the girl alone to deal with this - someone should be there for her physically present in the house when your brother has temper tantrums.

Especially caution him about physical violence, if he hits her and something happens (serious happens) he will end up in jail.

All of you in the family start creating situations where your brother and his wife will have to be together, talk, and do things jointly - for e.g. maybe a pooja or a fun outing or tickets to the movies. Just talking may not help, you need to create situations for them to be together and enjoy each others company.

Dont push your brother into medications, doctors, etc. he will only revolt. approach the situation from a positive angle and a realistic angle about the concerns with his physical and abusive behavior.

whatever nice friends and well-wishers you have in your family friends circle invite them over just to keep company - the clarity and wisdom of respected elders has a subtle subconscious effect on youngsters - in fact if these elders can be married couples with good marriages of many years that would be even better so your brother can observe how decent married couples behave, talk to one another, care for one another, and respect one another.

Aamrapali

shaluk · Jun 13, 2013

you should not hurry too much to your brothers comfort. it wouldnt be good idea to threaten him at early stages at least. you take his friends into confidence and try to convince him to visit doctor at least once. even if you have treated him royally if he feels that he is not golden child then there is not much which can convince him. he probably have been living with very high expectations throughout but never shared his disappointments with his family and opened up with friends. but with wife again his expectations went sky high ( this is true with most men though!) and when they were not met he started showing his worst self. I would advice sis in law to accompany him for treatements(if he agrees) so that he establishes bond with her( it was not a good idea to get him married without doctors advice even when he was treated long ago). take one thing at a time and pray for everyone involved.

blackbeauty84 · Jun 13, 2013

Thanks for all the replies.

He came back from Munnar and doesn't seem to be taking any step like talking to her or visting her. At the moment she is in her relatives house. Whenever we open the topic, he goes to the room and shuts it. Situation looks very worrying.

mapleleaf · Jun 15, 2013

Don't press him to bring your SIL back just yet....her physical safety should be the first priority. Let her stay in her relatives house (unless she otherwise opts to come back to him) she is much safer there, meanwhile you and your parents can try to sort his issues (don't forget to update and keep your SIL informed). He probably needs a much serious and vigorous diagnosis and treatment in action. If you are not convinced with the first Doc don't hesitate to get a second opinion. Some mental conditions cannot be fully diagnosed as a child(as they are still developing) it is probably time to start the diagnosis process afresh. Hyperactivity in children usually is a symptom of ADHD or ADD or other developmental disorder, many(not necessarily all) of the kids unfortunately go on to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder later in life.whatever or however serious it is everything and everybody deserves care and treatment. It becomes the responsibility of family and wellwishers to guide them towards it. There is nothing to be embarrassed are ashamed of if he indeed is afflicted by any such conditions, treat it as an opportunity to understand and help him towards leading a normal and happy life.
Btw I claim no expertise on any of these issues, I simply wanted to share the information I have gathered through constant research , books and from developmental paediatricians and mental health professionals (I have a son with high functioning Aspergers).
Lastly your brother is a very lucky person for having such a smart and empathetic sister who wants to not just help him but also wants him to live happily with her SIL. Speaks volumes about good parenting and a loving household. Don't take to heart whatever distorted version your brother paints of his childhood,he probably has lots of frustrations waiting to come out all at once , things are bound to get twisted. Good luck dear, I hope and pray everything works out for your family.

joylokhi · Jul 5, 2013

I can very well empathise with your situation. I have a brother - who is somewhat similar in behaviour to yours. He is aged 46 now. All efforts by my parents, my other brother(who is elder to him) to settle down, stick to one job have failed. He is only after money - which my other brother- after my father who is no more - keeps on giving - to avoid controversy, fights - with my mother supporting this brother. Her opinion is that we are all settled in our lives, and no one to see to him. This sort of behaviours are very difficult to control and only treatment, counselling can work- but the sad thing is that it is almost impossible to get them to agree for that. Due to this, we have not got our brother married - knowing he is not responsible person and cannot manage a family. Coming to your brother i thus feel - it was wrong to get him married - but now that it is done, things can improve only if he agrees to see a doctor, or go for counselling. I have had my share of worrying like this. So, i advise you to do what u can and then just hope for the best. Best wishes,