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Confused about our relationship, love & time to plan for kids?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by happinesjourney, May 12, 2013.

  1. happinesjourney

    happinesjourney Senior IL'ite

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    Do you think it is wise to plan for kids at this point? I have been married for 6 years, have a fairly good husband, cares about me and I care about him. We are very different and opposite personalities with really no common interests. His patience and my commitment towards him no matter what has kept this relationship going all these years. He is a good human being, cares about his family, me & has general complaints about my parents. Overall, I usually take it very lightly whenever he complains about my parents as I believe it has do with cultural difference. He is from North India and I am from South. One of the major complaints he has is that my parents and his parents are not best friends. Being from 2 cultural back grounds, I don’t understand how someone can be fully in frequency with each other. I accept their differences and it doesn’t bother me. But he expects the parents to be in same frequency, hang around with each other and ignoring the whole world. His biggest complaint is that my parents give more importance to our relatives (my dad’s brothers etc) more than his parents. I wouldn’t say both sides hate each other, but don’t like certain behaviors’ of each other, which is think is mainly due to cultural differences. This is one of the most bothering things in his mind that he always talks to me about and I don’t know how to fix it. I tried explaining to my parents to pay special attention to his parents. My parents call them every other week or so, and on festivals and are formal but they cannot act like best friends; Hum Aapke Hai Kohn movie types. My husband doesn’t understand this and this is a painful point in his heart.
    We got married through a matrimony website; initial few months prior to marriage was fairly OK due to initial excitement of being with each other and talking to each other etc. My expectations from the beginning have been always the same about him. I wanted a guy who would love me, care about me, be romantic w/me, show physical interest in me etc. I was the one who initiated any physical relationship with him during our courtship like kissing etc and he responded. During the initial days of our marriage, we used to be intimate (I would say the first week or so). However, I didn’t sense it very strongly coming from my husband due to any attraction towards me. It was like “we are now married and this is one of the tasks we have to perform”. I didn’t sense it then, but gradually, our intimacy died down to once a week, then once a month, then once every few months and after the first year of our marriage, completely stopped. During that time, we used to have many fights due to incompatibility. It was mostly due to my frustration of no intimacy which lowered my confidence to zero and I used to pick up fights for silly things. Even now, he still never understands how important it was for me. It is not just sex but the feeling of being wanted, desirable etc. I never got that from him, not before or after marriage. My fights on intimacy continued but reduced as years passed by as I started looking at good things we both have like his patience, caring etc. I decided to stop fighting about this, but it was always in the back of my mind that I wanted to feel how others feel, being in love, feeling romantic towards each other, feel desirable etc. Then I convinced myself that it is not what life is all about and started noticing good things about him. We weren’t intimate all these years at all, it has been 4.5 yrs. According to him, the reason he doesn’t feel that way about me is because I am not very humble, aggressive in nature etc. During all these years, I changed significantly, I don’t pick up any fights, am humble, try not be aggressive etc. However, he doesn’t think I changed enough. And add parents discussion to this is like putting ghee on fire. The topic never ends and all my efforts of being humble and submissive go down the drain. . However the relationship continued as is, and we are living like good friends & good roomates. I think I love him because I don’t think I can live without him. But it is not the kind of love that one would want for his spouse. I don’t feel anything towards him that way, mainly due to his lack of interest in me. So I care about him but don’t see him in those terms.
    Lately, parents from both sides have been pressurizing us for kids. I will be 31 this year and my biological clock is ticking. I really want to have kids and lately I had noticed that he wants kids too. One day, I felt very bad, cried so much and said that I don’t care what problems we have between each other but we don’t have too much time to try to fix things but need to start planning for children as I turned 30. That made him realize a bit and he said we should start planning for children. Therefore, we started to try to be intimate. However, it has to be me who has to initiate. Even I initiate, we don’t drive it to completion. Either he feels hot and stops it, or gets too tired trying. It is like “we have to do this task as we both want to have children”. I feel soooo bad that we have to do it this way. Is it really worth having children when we have such problems? If he doesn’ t feel attracted towards me nor I do anymore? I cannot think about divorce because I don’t think I can live without him. If I am away from him, I always think about if he ate on time, came back home on time etc. If we are ever away he calls me everyday to talk whats going one and we talk multiple times in a day when both are at work. Is that love? Is that love because we have been together so long and got used to each other? Can this part of love ever turn to romantic love? If so, how? I don’t know what else to do really. I feel like I changed for him a lot, but my original expectation of him that I want to feel desirable, attractive never goes away. I explained to him several times, but he thinks of this as a complain. He says, I am starting this topic just to pick up a fight and ruin his weekend. He says just give him space and he will try. I tried giving him space for the past 4.5 yrs? IEven if I fought about it in those first 2 years, I gave him full space for atleast 2.5 years. Isn’t that enough? I used to get so frustrated in nights, would cry and sleep.
    Am I wrong in my expectations? How should I fix this? Last month, we planned to do it every day. This is how we planned it, “We need to plan for kids soon, we will have to try this year, keeping differences aside, let’s try everyday”. I can sense that he feels like it is a daunting task and wants to try but wants to skip if he gets a chance. We started planning from last month, but probably did 3 times and never finished. All the other days, either he was tired or I was tired, went to friends place and came late and want to sleep. All those 3 times, we never finished either. We plan to do it, then with some reason or other try procrastinating it and sleep. Today, I brought up this topic of my expectation and again he was pissed that I always complain and just went to sleep. Is it really worth it to try just for kids? Or shouId I just wait until he feels that way about me which I don’t know if he ever will? I am not sure how to fix this situation? I am really afraid of future, really feel sad that I may never be able to have kids? Is there anything I can do to fix this?
     
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  2. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    I am very srry abt your situation.
    A child will never change your situation, that much I can say.
    Today it is you who is in this web of confusion.
    Tomorrow it will be you with your child in the same web.

    That said, i remember similar issues being discussed here, let me find them if i can so u can take a look, not sure if it may help you yet..
     
  3. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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  4. sunshine789

    sunshine789 Senior IL'ite

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    perhaps he has issues other than not being attracted to you? This can be difficult for men to admit, or want to talk about, but maybe he needs a doctor?
     
  5. pm86

    pm86 Silver IL'ite

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    His nature is like that, being non romantic. If he did not change in these 4 years, its very difficult to expect change in him in future. Marriage counselling may help you to understand the issues with your husband.
    Without intimacy if you can survive in this relation for the rest of your life, plan for kid. Kid might bring you more joy and happiness. But if you are unhappy in this relation and any plans to come out then do not plan for kid.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2013
  6. shantana

    shantana Platinum IL'ite

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    it sounds not too bad if u're comfortable with him without intimacy and if u think u can live and grow older with him.
    a baby may or not may bring you together but definitly will keep you busy and occupied.
    dont do it everyday because both of u will get bored and tired of it. but try to do on alternate days or skip two days and start after your period ends for 2 weeks (at least 10 days). women's egg can last for 24 hrs only but male's sperm can last for 3 days so its ok if u dont do it every day.
     
  7. JazzyJazz

    JazzyJazz Silver IL'ite

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    I guess a baby cannot be planned. I learnt it the hard way. :( Due to visa issues its only been a year since DH and I are together and initial month he didn't want a kid right away and after that due to his mom's advise we started trying. I used to go thru all these TTC forums, learn too many things, and there was actually a time when I told my hubby that today is my fertile day and we hv to do today. It totally pissed him off. He lost interest in that and he got terribly frustrated saying - This is not a task or job for me and when you say we need to do, I don't feel like doing it at all. It kind of affects them mentally rather than physically and since this is a really sensitive topic it hurts them big time, more than can we imagine. So, I left things to cool so that things can happen on its own. Please try and be warm to him. Since its been 6 years, I may be wrong but most of us tend to ignore our looks almost a few months post wedding. Try and concentrate on your internal as well as external beauty. Try yoga, go for walks or some fitness classes, more than for fitness these classes gives you a ''Feel Good Factor'' from within you. The more you feel good from within the more you can achieve what you want. Try not forcing it on ur hubby but rather take it the other way, if you get what I mean. ;-) I try wicked things like forget to take my clothes to the bathroom or say my back aches and makes him help and stuff....Try and find that love and attractiveness you had for each other at the start and bring back the love in your life. Everything shud be wonderful from there on and baby making would be even more easier. :)
     
  8. bubblygal

    bubblygal Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    I am really sorry about your situation!You knw what i have gone through this, infact sometimes it rakes up again!Child should come in a healthy environment, not out of force, i know the panic bells are ringing considering you are stepping into 30's bracket, but today medical science has improved a lot, so dont worry about biological clock i mean yes it is a worry but you cant have a child just cause you are 30!First i would suggest go to a counselor at least it helped me to a certain extent!
    I then understood my dh was very emotional and couldnt connect cause of the constant fights we had! Counselor will view things from a third angle, will improve your relation and then automatically you will set right things and will plan for a baby!
    All the best.
     
  9. JazzyJazz

    JazzyJazz Silver IL'ite

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    Reg the North Indian - South Indian differences...guess you might hv to try explaining to DH gradually. In the South we are just used to giving hell a lot of respect to the guy's side so Friendship stuff doesn't come up naturally. Your parents seem to be trying a lot which is a good thing. :) I hope thr is no language barrier :) Next time try and think of innovative dialogues for ur family to spk wid them and win their love. With my parents and in-laws initially I used to reherase what my parents wud talk to them, my mom's a bit kiddish so I hv to teach her things :) Now she has exceeded all expectations :)
     
  10. JazzyJazz

    JazzyJazz Silver IL'ite

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    Also, even if you do end up having arguments/disagreements - pls ensure you don't let them come into the picture during your Day 12- Day 18 or Day 10-20. Days are for you to keep in track, pls don let ur hubby know all this. Those details are not needed for them and they jus cant digest so much information. :)
     
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