How to handle my hurt

Hi

I am married now for more than 7 years and live in Germany with my husband. We dont have kids yet. I have 2 SILs out of which one is living in Germany.

I dont have a good relationship with my Inlaws. In 2011, in one fine occasion, my MIL and SIL started abusing me horribly which went for around 3 hrs. They complained and blamed me that I am lazy, I dont do any work, I am irresponsible, just roaming around (in a typical tamil slang "Ooru suthite irukka"). I didnt open my mouth but my husband said a few things for me but it was getting worse. We then came back to Germany and I tried to talk with my other SIL here but she started defending her parents and didn't care to understand me. After 6 months my husband tried to talk to his mother about this but she was again abusing me and my mother. The whole 1.5 years nobody talked about that incident and they wanted that "I should ignore whatever they have abused me because in-laws will be like that only and only the DILs should ignore that and be kind to the husbands family". But it was going on in my mind all the time, and me and my husband were having problems because of that every now and then. I was not comfortable talking to them or visiting my SIL, and staying for many weeks in my PILs house, yet I had to. We have been giving around Rs 20 to 25k every month including our house which they wanted us to buy for them, since 6 years now.

My husband tried to talk about this to his mother when we went to her place next time in 2012 end, but she was again ONLY complaining about me and my mother and my husband didn't tell anything back thinking that it will help her to be more open to hear our side when we all sit together and talk after i come back from my mother's place. But, later one day my husband wanted to talk to her to ask for permission for me also to join him to visit his friend in Chennai (he was supposed to go alone as my MIL was complaining that I keep roaming and talking in phone all the time, though me and my DH dont agree and feel she is exagerating). But when he said that "amma, I want to talk to you something" and took her to a room, and before he said any other word, she started shouting like hell with all abusive words that I have seen only in TV. She cursed us that we will not come up in life (like neenga urupudave maateenga) and we will not have kids and all the things. Things didnt go well at all and we returned to Germany.

Now they dont want to talk about anything, they dont understand and accept me and they dont want to hear ANYTHING what I want to say, but still I should be quite connected to the family and keep talking to them, give them more money and everything. My MIL has never ever asked my husband to give the phone to me and my SIL who is living close to us has never called me. The men dont talk much in this family, esp my FIL does not talk anything. So my MIL easily, directly or indirectly abuses me also in usual phone conversation with my husband and he does not talk anything back in return which is easier for her.

What I think would be comforting is that, atleast one member in their family can tell me that "Amma need not talk like this about you. You dont need all this abuses and I understand you are quite hurt by that. But she is old and we cannot changer her. (She is 58 years old) But for the sake of the family it will be good if you can ignore that. Atleast then I would have one person in the family who knows me and understands me, but now I dont have anybody in the family to find support with.

This is now becoming too much for me to handle. I see only complaints and blames and judgements about me in this relationship and no love at all. I have taken lot of stress in this now and hurt quite a lot that I get so irritated when my husband talk to her. They want all the things to be dormant and kept under the carpet and walk over it as if nothing has happened. But for me it is fuming under the carpet all the time and if it is dormant it is bound to explode one day. I would really like to explain my pain and be heard, understood and accepted. For this again they start blaming me that in laws will be like that and I am too sensitive to ignore them. But since none of this is happening, for my peace I am thinking of informing them formally that I am not comfortable in this relationship anymore and that it is best for all of us to stay disconnected and that when I come to India I will just visit them for 1 or 2 days and not stay longer. So that they can spend good time with their son and I will have some peaceful time at my mom's place. When and if time heals both of us, we can be kind, loving and connected together.

I have been undergoing IVFs and have been having miscarriages. Everything together is making me crazy. Now I have a small break in my treatment as I just had another miscarriage and I really want something to address this issue now and find some peace. I at least want to tell them as above so that they know it is active and it needs to be sorted out, though i am 100% sure they dont want to talk about anything.


Please give me suggestions as how I can handle this. This really has been driving me crazy. Sorry for a pretty long post.

Thanks all !

 

Thanks all for your wishes and encouragements.

@Goahead: He does not force me to talk to them. During our last India visit he wanted me to stay in his house for longer but when things went worse he himself asked me to go to my mom's house. And now ATLEAST FOR SHORT TERM he is fine with me not talking to them. He understands that they also dont take the effort to talk to me but they just complain that I dont talk to them.

@soshana: I am fine with them not talking to me. At the same time I dont like that they complain about me not talking to them. But as you all say, I understand that it does not matter whether they complain or crib about me. I want to get to the state of being insensitive to all their complains and at the same time also to their needs and request. But I see that it is a bit difficult to train this stupid mind.

@soulful: You are exactly right, I am needing acceptance from them and now I am trying to have more self appreciation so that I dont need it from them. Its the typical thought that the DIL should get a good name in the husbands family and bla bla. And when my husband is quite comfortable with my family and I am quite happy because of that I am not able to give the same happiness to him. Infact when we got married my dad was soo angry on us (ours is a love marriage), but now things changed ulta and he is treating him as his own son. Yeah, but I need not feel guilty and need to accept the fact that me and my ILs are different.
Also, they didnt mean that the complaints that they make are wrong, but they feel that it is normal and this kind of differences and problems will be there in all the houses, and it is the DIL who should not take it seriously. But I would say, differences are there and its better to accept it and live, rather than putting the blame on the DIL.