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Why am i behaving like this??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Hopefully, Mar 20, 2013.

  1. Hopefully

    Hopefully Gold IL'ite

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    Guys ,
    Call me a coward ,a fool, immatured ,not capable of handling things!!!!!!!!1
    Thats what i am.I so angry on myself.But i just couldnt control myself.
    Please help me.
    Here is what happenned !!!!
    I was on leave yesterday and even today as my DD was not keeping well.Morning got up and went to the kitchen to
    help the maid,and my maid informed me that my SIL's are going to visit home as their offices are leave today.
    That's all,my heart could not bear that thing,i get so scared of dealing with those people,especially my elder SIL..
    So i rushed ,got ready me and DD,left my crying DD in playschool and im in office now.

    why should i run like this.why am i scared of them.
    my elder SIL scrutinise and talks so bad about me behind my back,as well as directly to me.Remembering those days when
    my MIL and SIL's would go into their rooms and close the door talking all gossips and i would be expected to be ready making food
    and snacks ,feed her grandchildren and finally fund an outing for them,spoil my day even though i had taken leave because i am sick.Weekends used to be worse.

    I still remember i was on leave because i broke my leg(micro fracture on the feet),my leg was lower part of leg from knee below was fully bandaged.not able to walk fully,
    And with that i was talking care of my DD(she was 2yrs that time).When my SIL visited home,this lady(MIL) was sitting like a queen and made me make tea and serve them.Such heartless
    my MIL can become when she sees her daughter's.

    I can never come in terms with her and her daughter's.I can never forgive or forget them.Its eating my inner peace.I want to run away to a place where i dont get to meet them ever im my life again.

    Do tell me how you would behave in such a scenario.I dont want to compare myself with others ,but i want to know what are the other options available and if required to change myself for my betterment
     
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  2. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP..
    A lot of hugs to you first of all..
    Take a deep breath and cool down..Don't feel guilty about anything.
    Such is the life of an Indian woman-we are always made to feel guilty(whether its our mistake or not)..
    I too face situation like you-my MIL or SIL and her kids coming for such long spells and ruining my mood,leave and days because of their nasty demands and behaviour.
    I too tried to find out the best possible way to react and tackle them here.Lovely ladies out here gave a lot many suggestions(Couldn't thank them enough for that) and you are free to choose the best way which suits you and your personality.
    What I decided for myself was(you could too take a clue)-
    I am an independent working female who enjoys a good professional reputation and I have always been a very strong person.I too went through such helplessness and frustration which you are facing now.But thankfully because of my unsuccumbing nature,I decided in the very first and second years of marriage after observing nature of MIL and SIL that come what may,I'll not let my spirit die down.After all,I am also a human being like them and no one has the liberty to crush my self respect.
    So,I started speaking wherever I felt there was injustice.And in such cases where they would come unannounced,I would put my foot down explaining to my DH that I have my own schedule and even if I am on leave,its my personal time which I want to spend according to my choice.
    Initially,DH felt uneasy(obviously how could he say no to his mom and sis) but seeing my unwavering stand,he started respecting my decision and now generally he helps me wherever he can.
    Some good outcomes were-
    MIL,who used to be hovering all around(from our bedroom to our private dinners to our get togethers with friends) now generally is explained wherever we can't take her along.
    SIL,who used to spend all her holidays here and pt up such exorbitant demands everytime generally has started checking it(not fully but there is a beginning)..
    DH and I,who used to be frustrated all the time because of not getting any privacy and time with each other have started doing that.We also sneak out for short weekend getaways too.We both are so happy now(touchwood):)..

    I am not claiming that I have achieved full marks and situation is 100% under control but I feel contended and i am not living 2 lives-as an independent,decisive female outside and a meek,abiding female at home.Afterall its family and nothing can be in black and white.I too make compromises but not to the tune that it curbs me and my personality.And I fulfill all my duties towards DH's family.That makes him happy and he sees that I have good intentions so he too supports me wherever I am right:cheers.

    My advice for you-stand up for yourself.do what you feel good about.Don't run away from situations.Ultimately you can't avoid because its your family.And yes,don't be afraid-you don't have to fear anyone.You too are a working woman and just think-how you manage tricky and complicated situations at office.Try to bring the same prudence at home:thumbsup..

    But be balanced.You would not want to hurt your DH either..
    Love..
     
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  3. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    Hugs to you, dear. Don't be so hard on yourself. It can be really annoying when sils drop in uninvited and you just don't want to see them. Unfortunately, the dils have little choice on this.
    Keep a plan handy for this kind of situation that you can immediately implement.
    Do your parents or any other close relative live in your town? If not, confide in a friend so that you can visit them when you want to avoid some people.
    Hope you find someone or something that can help you.
    I hope you are going away on summer holidays. You need a break.
     
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  4. dahlia

    dahlia Silver IL'ite

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    Hopefully,

    No one other than yourself can mend your situation. Dont even bother to think that your DH might come to rescue you from crap like this. Husbands are weirdly oblivious to all the drama in the house, they are in their own little world.

    Now that being said, since your SIL already has decided to come to your house..you cant do much to stop her now. But when they get there, tell them to let you know ahead of time so that you can plan accordingly. Tell them that your baby is not well and that you both need rest, just walk to your room and close the door. No discussions nothing. If they talk bad about you, so what..does their opinion matter? No matter what you do..they'll never appreciate you. Develop thick skin and move on. Now you got a perfect opportunity to set boundaries and show them how it will be from now on, so act on it. You are one strong woman and you can do it, dont back off !
     
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  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Hopefully,

    I was also in the same situation a year back, only now after my MIL's death I can breath easily now with no interference from my SIL's.. this is the sorry situation of us DIL's because we are alone and they are a gang (MIL, SIL,s FIL) nobody to support us ( not even DH) nor sympathize with us..

    Both my SIL's live in different State's so they plan and visit with their kids every year and stay close to a month or even more, those days were hell for me, mother and daughters use to have a gala time together not even with basic manners to ask me if I needed help, my DH use to give me prior instructions that his sisters should not at all be annoyed in any case and their stay should be happy, so he use to go out of his way to provide them everything, booking tickets for movies, short trip's while they go shopping I will be at home preparing for their lunch and dinner and also finishing my office work( I work from home) they won't even have the courtesy to ask me if I want to accompany them.. I have done this for years...sometimes like you even I think I was a fool...I should have told them directly that I require help in cooking and cleaning... any ways no use thinking about it which has already happened.
    I suggest u to be little bold unlike me, should learn to say " NO" than to regret later, some times being selfish really helps, when you had a fractured leg and your MIL asked you to serve the guests u should have plainly refused and say u just cannot get up.. she cannot literally force you..though she will be upset but she will get a clue that you are not going to be easy... do what you feel is right never let her dominate you.. slowly start refusing to take her orders.. things wil change
     
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  6. Hopefully

    Hopefully Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Guys.:thankyou2::thankyou2::thankyou2::thankyou2::thankyou2:

    When we know that we are not alone,but people around the world face similar situations ,it gives an extra courage to cope.
    Thank you sweetestshweta ,monita ,dahlia and blessed for your kind suggestions.
    Blessed im a fan of you,i have read all your posts and i admire your strength to have endured so much,and you have come out splendid.
    Like you im to having a DD.I hope i sail through like you.

    I wonder how these SIL's and MIL's could behave so un-humane.I would not even do this to my maid.They should realise their mistake.
    Such a kind of behaviour exists in our society ,all know about that ,but hardly discussed.
    I dont know if i sound silly but I think even during school education ,these issues must be discussed and explaned to all future SIL's and MIL's.

    Nuclear family helps that way.Because i live with PIL's in the name of visiting their parents these SIL's take advantage.
    I will dare repeat to my brother's wife in future.Hope i get a real friend through her.
     
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  7. vvlakshmi1985

    vvlakshmi1985 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I think you running like this and leaving your DD in playschool is not easy. I would suggest you to go home and pretend to be sick along with your DD and ask your DH or SIL to help you and stay for 2 more days to look after you. You can say sweetly that you are like my elder sister who has come to Help me and let her work for 2 days and understand how it feels for you.

    Being good and kind is not going to help you. Do this and I am sure she will inform you the next time. Then you know how to show her reasons for not able to be @ home @ that time and cook and clean for them....:cheers:cheers
     
  8. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    I think I could have been like that had I not tried & maintained my sanity. My key was involving myself more & more with my DS. So when SIL & kids are here I used to do my basics like cooking, fill up plate for DS & head to feed him. No serving anyone & taking care of any tantrums. food is ready plz help yourselves attitude worked best for me.

    They are integral part of MIL so dont detest them...just dont go overboard in pampering them if you dont like them.
     
  9. honey29

    honey29 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear ladies, I am also in the same situation now. I got married 2 years back. Here my biggest problem is my elder SIL ( with her husband n kids) stays with our ILs now. If I knew earlier that my SIL gonna stay with my ILs i'd have never said yes to this mrg. Planningly SIL moved to IL's house after our mrg. SIL talks harshely and always tries to criticize me in everything. I just see hell, over the time that i spent with my ILs. Though she stays with ILs, she feels as she is the main guest of the house when we visit our ILs. I need to do all the house hold work and i need to take care of her kids even. Most of the times my younger SIL also comes to visit her parents when we are there(especially when we go there). Here starts the drama.. MIL, FIL, SILs, their husbands and kids and some of my MIL's relatives all sit around DH and pouring affection on him( saying how thin he became(he is putting on weight day to day with my recipes) ) ordering me to get snacks and tea for all of them and cook for them. Nobody cares to ask me whether i need any help in kitchen. All of them feel like as if DH cooks and works for me everyday and i stay at home watching tv and sleeping all the day.
    My younger SIL.. she will be a very modest DIL when she is with her ILs. once she reaches her mother's home she become the laziest person in the world. All her kids clothes would be thrown all over the house. she is too lazy to throw her kids diapers in dustbin even. The house would be so dirty as long as she was there. The bed rooms fill with urine smell( she never cares to clean if kid pees there). When she is here, all she cares about is her shopping, her nail polish, her hair dos, facials, playing with her little brother(DH) and sister(elder SIL). For MIL its a nice thing to see and enjoy her small kids(DH and SILs) playing like that while DIL only suffers in kitchen. So many times i requested MIL to keep a maid when there is crowd at home. She never bothered about it as I am only the person who suffers in that situation. I can't imagine my self spending more than 2days in that environment. Unfortunately when ever I go there, I had to spend there one week atleast. Though DH knows about this, he supports MIL and SILs and says "this is how combined families would be and you have to adjust". I don't know that combined families would be like this also, where SIL and MIL stays together and that is the Ils house for DIL and she needs to perform all duties there as she does in her own house. and there is no matter elder SIL leaves ILs house and staying separately. Who ever tells her to stay separately form her parents, she'll say badly about them to everybody. so no one tries to talk against her in her presence. How to tell DH that iam suffering a lot with their behaviour? Though we discuss about this he will say to adjust with them. What to do?
     
  10. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Next time when you go...dont lift even a finger....pretend to have a sever headache and go to room and just take rest and rest...from next time your MIL will hire a maid by herself....otherwise why to hire a maid when you are already there :)....
     
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