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utter dilemma...plz help.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sknaaz, Feb 20, 2013.

  1. shahidafs

    shahidafs Silver IL'ite

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    @ Op

    I understand your dilemma and your situation... But before taking any step.. Just remember one thing when your love was not there after school or watever the time period (your husband)., he was the man who gave you his name and bought you in his life as a wife,, irrespective of his mood swings or whatever he is he was the man to have given you those two beautiful kids,, irrespective of he worrying about the money and the gifts.. ask me I am just waiting for that one great man to enter in my life and say" hey look she is my better half".. Love can happen at any day any age,, but this two days guy wil for sure change I bet.. Don't expect your life will have an ending as the movie "kabhi alvidaa na kehna".. pour a bucket of cold water on yourself and wake up and love the man who is around you as he was the one who promised to grow older with you.. Just my two cents..

    P.S: I am not blaming you,, I just dont want you to ruin your life.. Hugs to you and take care...
     
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  2. BharatS

    BharatS Gold IL'ite

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    There seems to be a common assumption that upon divorce, only a mother will get the custody of child. That’s totally wrong. I cant speak for USA….but even in india where marital laws are considered highly favorable to wife, the child custody law predominantly favors the parent (either father or mother) who the court decides could best custodian for the child and NOT the mother by default. To say there are ample cases where many fathers have fought and won the child custody in such cases.

    That said, please remove the thought that you can disconnect the kids from their father at your convenient/discretion. Should your husband decide to fight for the child custody, it will be 50/50 chances.

    That said, lets not consider what could be your husband feelings or position should you decide to move out of this marriage. You have every right to be happy in your life, and you can choose/change the partner if you feel the need. There is no right or wrong in that and its your RIGHT and your WISH to be happy in life.

    I would suggest that, instead of going directly for divorce, it would be better if you can find a way to start live in with your lover for some time…may be couple of months etc at a place where you both might live should you decide to marry in future. Needless to say, that should be away from the place you currently live.

    There are two benefits out of that, in the mean time you can find what your lover true intentions are over a period of time. If he turns out to be as good as you think, you can divorce your husband and then strategies what best you can do from child custody point of view.
    Else you can go back to your husband and continue with your existing husband. Then either you can settle with him permanently or try to find another suitable guy as per your expectations.

    You have already done this(for two days)…just need to plan out carefully how you can extend that period from 2 days to some months till you get hold of what actually your true lover feels for you.

    PS: I must confess that you are not in a bad/abusive marriage and your husband is definitely not a villain. You are a bored wife with everything very well settled in your life. And perhaps your husband is a career oriented guy who finds his success in career/work and somewhat rigid.

    But again, no one can stop you from defining happiness in your life/marriage in your own way and the way you like it. Your life, your choices, your rights.

    Good luck
     
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  3. BharatS

    BharatS Gold IL'ite

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    Though there is certain element of truth in what you said, that doesn’t deter the fact that women will generally have more options should they want to quit the marriage(good or bad).

    As you said if a man has posted this, everyone will be more binding on him in all possible ways. But for women, there wont be much hindrances once she decides to quit the marriage either ways.

    The only thing that bothers (even in case of OP) is the so called “SOCIETY”, which not many people actually bother now a days. And there as well is a shield of sympathy in the name of abusive marriage or insensitive husband, which will generally drop down the element of crucification.

    So it actually boils down to who has more “OPTIONS”….than what “if” or why “that”. Atleast she will not be put in jail or stoned to death. So its her personal choices and preferences. In these changing times, every other woman might NOT place kids/family as top priorities above her own personal life. That’s a fact and we cannot change it.
     
  4. sweetyappy

    sweetyappy Senior IL'ite

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    I think it is the age difference as you mentioned between you and your H are causing problems.

    He may be looking at securing your future, kids educations and well setelled life after retirement. And now-a-days you might be very well aware of recession... Jobs in IT are highly fluctuable.
    I would suggest understand him, if he is not romantic or the way you want that does not mean that he does not care...

    Why dont you try to impress him or have him behave as the way you want? e.g. arrange a small candle light dinner at home only when ur kids go to sleep... I m sure he will like it even though he does not express it

    Remember that you have 2 kids, and you cant leave them just because you think that something is missing in your married life.
     
  5. rajsriya

    rajsriya Senior IL'ite

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    Its a human nature to get attracted to something what we dont have or possess. We crave always for the greener pastures that are far away. Believe it or not people are different before marriage and post marriage even if u marry ur lover many people will vouch for that. Nobody remains the same .
    Things change with time.

    Things that seem too attractive today will not be tomorrow. If u r really serious do think about pros and the cons and the challenges that u will face while dealing with ur children or the so called lover or ur husband. If u r mentally strong and enough selfish to take this kind of call. Sorry for being rude i feel u just are plainly bored thats leading u to think like this.U r lucky in many ways but i think u are not counting ur blessings.

    Ur one decision will affect many lives .There is no doubt one has to think of oneself but if everyone in this world starts thinking like this many kids or for the matter even us would have lived a life of you orphans coz every relation mind you every relation calls for sacrifice. U r not into an abusive relation , not being harassed by in laws or any major financial crunch.

    Seriously give a lot of thinking about this. Dont be too sure about your lover. Coz life before and after marriage is different even in love marriages.Afterall final decision is yours.
     
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  6. nicegirlradhi

    nicegirlradhi Gold IL'ite

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    whoa!!What kind of senseless suggestion you are giving by asking OP to stay in live in relationship when she is still married? I think OP lover has no sense, and that is why he is encouraging that lady to have EMA and all stuff.

    svnaaz: Please stop all non-sense. If you feel your fb lover is your real life partner, go and tell your husband about your affair, and pack your bags and go to your lover. Why so much bother about society or kids? If you really know the meaning of “REAL LOVE” do it immediately and please don’t waste any time by staying in this marriage (my 2 cents)
     
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  7. waitingforu

    waitingforu Silver IL'ite

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    NOT THAT I AM PREACHING BUT FELT COMPELLED TO SHARE THIS!

    During a seminar, a woman asked,” How do I know if I am with the right
    person?” the author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next
    to her so he said, “It depends. Is that your partner?” In all seriousness,
    she answered “How do you know?” Let me answer this question because the
    chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind replied the author. Here’s the
    answer.

    Every relationship has a cycle…In the beginning; you fall in love with
    your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like
    their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a
    completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything.
    That’s why it’s called “falling” in love.

    People in love sometimes say, “I was swept of my feet.” Picture the
    expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing,
    and then something happened TO YOU. Falling in love is a passive and
    spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being
    together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.
    Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all),
    touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s
    idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary
    with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the
    initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry
    subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your partner might start
    asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria
    of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with
    someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

    The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person;
    it’s learning to love the person you found.

    People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for
    fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.
    Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a
    hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to
    this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it. I’m
    not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And
    TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few
    years later. Because (listen carefully to this): The key to succeeding
    in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the
    person you found.

    SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to
    work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And
    most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it
    work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are
    specific things you can do (with or without your partner). Just as there are
    physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for
    relationships. If you know and apply these laws, the results are
    predictable. Love is therefore a “decision”. Not just a feeling.
    “Would she like it if I said you will never change? Mutual respect helps keep the relationship in good shape.”

    “True love is not about loving a perfect person, but learning to live with his imperfections.”

    Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up
    to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you
    refuse to let GO!!!
     
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  8. juhi_sri

    juhi_sri Junior IL'ite

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    If you where alone I have said go for it but with kid things get complicated. You don't know how your kid will react. I don't think your DH will let go kids. Talk to your DH and come to mature decision favorable to your kids. It seems like you don't love your husband anymore and I don't think its will going to happen in future. So go for it but make sure transition is as smooth as possible for your kids.
     
  9. mapleleaf

    mapleleaf Silver IL'ite

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    You will always be the woman who left her husband for another man! Do you want your kids to grow up with this view of you? Don't take your kids for granted please.....they might not have a powerful voice now but years later every small mistake you make now will come to haunt you. I do not think any kid will appreciate being separated from dad for lame reasons(that's exactly how they will see this once they are grown up).
    I do not understand why the FB guy's parents have no problem with all this???? Something fishy, I cannot believe any parent will be okay with their son wanting to be with somebody else's wife!! You say they knew you from when you were little if they are your real wellwishers then why on earth will they encourage you to break your marriage ???
    Are you seriously thinking you will be able to erase your DH and your 8 years with him and be able live romantic loving life with this other guy??
    Nobody wants you to lead a unhappy life but you cannot seek happiness making everybody around you miserable.why did you not think of quitting on your marriage (and your boring DH)before this FB guy showed up??
    I feel bad for that husband who is unaware of all this and is working hard to provide for the wife and kids probably worried about paying bills and doing taxes. Is not providing for the family well and being a good dad a way of showing his love for you?? , how do you think he will react to his kids being taken away from him?
     
  10. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Naaz, have a serious discussion with your husband and tell him frankly what's bothering you in this marriage. DON'T tell him about this new guy at all now. But tell him you will be willing to consider separation if he doesn't want you anymore. Who knows ? He might understand your concerns and change himself? He might learn to express love better ? Give him a fair chance if he has been good otherwise....

    And remember, things will not always be rosy with your new guy. There will be ups and downs and you might even end up in the same situation in a few years.
     
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