1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

utter dilemma...plz help.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sknaaz, Feb 20, 2013.

  1. sknaaz

    sknaaz New IL'ite

    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    hi frnds,
    I don't knw if iam in the right section but plz need suggestion.to tel u my story short.married for 8 yrs,have 2 beautifull kids-6yr old son,4 yr old daughter.my husband is in IT,too serious kind from the beginning,no romance in life,no special moments to remember,always worried about money,savings,paying bills,which are ofcourse important.8 yrs of marriage .no single gift frm him.if asked his reply"u have the credit card go buy whatever u want.cant even put hand on me when posing for a picture.he is like totally opposite of the kind I always dreamt of a husband -a friend .he is more like some elder person.i got used to it by now.

    recently I met my school friend on FB,yea fb....we used to like each other but never proposed.we laughed at that thought that we were so shy that time.after schooling we parted.no contacts all these 15yrs.recently we met in india.we both flew from different countries to meet in india.we spent 2 days of time together.if someone believe true love it wud be that.as I have known the difference.he is not the first man I have ever met so I know that its not an infatuation.we are deeply in love.he is single,handsome and he wants to marry me and want my kids too as he says they are part of me.and he loves everything that is mine.plz don't think that I am childish here jeopardizing my parents reputation,my kids future etc.

    iam not saying this because I hate my husband,i still respect him but he doesn't.all he wants is my physical being in the night.mechanical life.iam not a machine.i tried telling him to be lil casual in life to enjoy small things in life but he cant.he says that I love being in fairy tales,life is not like that.is life so sad?we have enough money by gods grace.but still my husband is always sad.iam sure he is a very good father to my kids,but y to me he is so rude and y am I taken for granted all the time.

    sometimes I feel the age gap of 8 yrs is the main reason.but have seen people happy like that too.

    this guy feels guilty of loving me as he wud make my hubby sad by taking me.but I feel when my hubby doenst respect me why shud I stay in a loveless marriage.how long wil I suffer for the sake of kids future.i deserve love,respect and fun moments in life.i love my kids and this guy loves them too.he says that he doesn't want kids of his own as he doesn't want to be partial in loving them.and he is so religious that really people do trust him by his words.our families knew each other when we were in school.

    his family always liked me and his parents are ready to accept me as long as I break relation with my hubby and they have no problem with kids as they believe they are gift of gods.hmm..his parents also had love marriage so they understand our situation,they regret that we dint approach each other at the right time.

    Now its entirely on me.i scare to death thinking of it.Divorce is a scary word for me.my parents reputation on stake,wil relatives make fun of my parents?wil I be given bad name in the society?i really love this guy as those 2 days are the most happiest moments in my life so far.iam 32,i knw wat is love and wat is infatuation.i really want to be with him.but very scared to confess this to the world.how can I separate my kids from their dad?he wil be shattered.what shud I do?shal I stay in this loveless marriage forever for the sake of my kids and reputation .or live for myself ?I don't know where is my life?isnt divorce that easy?please don't taunt me ,iam not a bad person just need little love and respect in life.please suggest me friends,i cant share this with anyone in my life.please help.
     
    1 person likes this.
    Loading...

  2. helpmeangel

    helpmeangel Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,795
    Likes Received:
    1,005
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    hi Naaz,

    I am sorry to see you in this dilemma. As you must be knowing by now, there can never be a right answer for this sort of situation. You hurt your friend, your happiness goes. You hurt your husband, you tend to be happier. I have heard of experiences in both sides like lady leaving her husband/kid and moving in with her boy friend, lady leaving her boy friend for the sake of her family. Both has it's ups and downs.

    The main thing to be noted is, once you do decide to do the deed with the new guy, your self respect will go down a notch in front of everyone including this guy and his parents. I mean, you will appear to be the evil one, who left her two kids and husband for her own happiness.

    I am sure you will be able to forget this new guy some day, if you do decide to stay put in the marriage. It may take time, but you will not be losing your honor and self respect, which a woman should always value before anything else, in my opinion.

    So whatever path you take, hope you find happiness in it!
     
  3. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,602
    Likes Received:
    1,962
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    where are you planning to live in case you decide to divorce? Kids cant leave US without husband and court's consent.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. Ballereena

    Ballereena Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    It is a very tough decision to make Your happiness versus your self respect/society acceptance. Decide if your are strong enough to handle the outcome in both ways.
     
  5. moukthika9

    moukthika9 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    558
    Likes Received:
    546
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    your problem is beyond my maturity dear......im soooo confused.

    "OUR MOM MAY BE IN THE SAME SITUATION IN THE PAST" but she burried all her happiness or thoughts or whatever it may be, for the sake of our happiness(HER CHILDS HAPPINESS)
    or
    think like "your dd is in the same situation"......what will you advise???????? becoz MOM THINKS THE BEST FOR HER CHILDREN....

    hope i answered your question.....
    (its totally my opinion dear and im not taunting you.....)
     
    5 people like this.
  6. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi dear,

    There is no right or wrong here. Despite what is commonly said in India, sticking on to a bad marriage doesn't make it better. Neither is it healthy for the kids - their parents need to be good role models for them. For this a healthy relationship between the parents is a must.

    Having said that, you say your DH is a good provider. I'm not sure whether you are financially independent and whether you are able to continue staying in the US after a divorce. These are things you need to consider.

    And your friend and his family sound too good. However, you can not make a decision after spending just 2 days with your friend. It is one thing to say one would accept another's children. However, practically it comes with its own set of consequences. I'm sure you would agree that even for the parents kids could become exasperating now and again. For someone not so much experienced with kids, it could get trying.

    Here's what I suggest. Tackle it as two different issues. Instead of moving from one relationship into another, see if you are able to end your marriage properly first. Consult a lawyer to find out what your options are. Without going into details about your friend, you could tell your DH that you are extremely unhappy in this marriage. If you wish to have another shot at your marriage, ask to go to a marriage counsellor with him. If nothing changes, please take your children and leave. (here is where your visa and financial state come into the picture)

    IMO, it will be better stay single and independent for a year or two. This will give you confidence in yourself that you can support yourself and your children. It will make sure that you do not rush into another relationship which might be inappropriate too soon...

    Hugs,
    G
     
    14 people like this.
  7. tomatoroma7

    tomatoroma7 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    46
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    You only live once. Most important is to do what makes you happy not what makes the world happy.
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. Ajith

    Ajith Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    63
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Male
    Wow. In spending 2 days with him you have decided he is better than your husband? I don't even understand what you mean by "spend 2 days" without your husband's knowledge. If a man had posted this, there will be many posters asking "What would you do if your wife does the same thing?". So I am asking you this question: What would you do if your husband comes to you and says he wants a divorce since he is going to marry his high school sweetheart and he will also take the kids with him?

    Is your friend married? He may not show his real face until he marries you. What are you going to do if he treats you badly after the honeymoon phase? Your friend may accept your kids as his kids. Will your kids accept him as their dad?
     
    26 people like this.
  9. tomatoroma7

    tomatoroma7 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    46
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Let us not crucify or judge anyone. The heart wants what the heart wants. Only she can decide this.
     
    5 people like this.
  10. shyamalajh

    shyamalajh Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    217
    Likes Received:
    329
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    You guys never proposed to each other in college days and you never really remembered or felt like you made a mistake by not proposing in these 15 yrs(even before marriage). There has to be a reason for it more than just shyness. You thought you deserve better. Now you are starved of love and romance. To a starved person, even junk food looks like feast. once hunger is satisfied, one wouldn't want to touch that junk food for a long time. once you are married to the new guy and get some love and romance, you may see and feel different. I know you said it is not infatuation.
    You need love. Your kids need their father's love. You alone can decide if your need for this new man is important or your kid's need for their dad's love while mother is in a dissatisfying marriage. I like guesshoo's suggestion that you should first divorce and live alone then enter into the new set up with clear mind. That will be best for kids too. What are they supposed to feel or understand if you suddenly change their home, dad and environment. Is this new guy expecting you to bring him here or you will move to his country? How are you so sure in just 2 days that his family will support fully and he has no ulterior motives? Are you discussing this matter with them after returning? If you decide to leave your husband , be careful to minimize kid's hurt.
     
    11 people like this.

Share This Page