Dying in a combined family

sreejag · Mar 29, 2008

hi smriti,
as nandhu says, the magic word you can use is " we have to look for our family which includes amma also", in this way you can keep a big ICE BOX on his head

but talk anything and everything politely, to obtain the result may take some time but never give up saying the "magic words" whenever there is a chance.

regards,
sreelata.s

smritimehra66 · Mar 30, 2008

Hi Ladies,
For the last few days I was using the “ talking lovingly” tactics as you all advised. He too was a bit good. Our son was sick with fever and this time for a change he took good care of him also. This is a good change because previously it used to be “mother’s work “(courtesy : MIL quotes). May be it was because I was a bit mild on him, instead of boiling over like a volcano.

When we took our son to the doctor we got about 1 hour on our own, which is a rare happening, and since we both were in an Ok mood, I slowly put forward the “inevitable” topic.
Right now what he is saying is that we live with the mother , brother, his wife etc etc for one more year and save some money and then after one year we will move. I am very very sure that this one year time for “saving” is just an excuse and anyway after one year he will have another excuse not to leave. So I offered that for this one year I will stay in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India</st1lace></st1:country-region> with our son, and he can “save’ enough and we will come back and live together.
He says that he will miss his son. I can understand that. But since I am working too , I really cannot understand why he is getting so hyper about “saving”. After all we have only one son and are quiet well to do.

Anyway my BIL is going to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India</st1lace></st1:country-region> in May and he will be back with his wife and 3 kids aged 3, 1.5 and 3 months in June maximum. Just imagine the situation with all these kids plus our son also? Before I was not working, but I am working also and God knows how I will manage my kid and the house work, because offcourse keeping servants is a taboo and sons will not allow mummy dear to help in the kitchen and co sister will be busy with 3 kids.
Right now, we are all in good terms , at least talking terms, and I really fear that this will not continue for a long time, if we all live together. I hope you know what I feel, and I really hope I won’t become a cause for it.
Please give me some suggestion…. It is pretty much sure that my husband will not leave his mother and brother any time soon.
Smriti

smritimehra66 · Mar 30, 2008

i think i posted the reply twice

sangs.srinivas · Mar 31, 2008

Hi smriti,
As all have said I was also in the same boat , I too was. But I was lucky that my husband was staying out of the house in hyderabad before marriage and used to visit one in a month. I was also lucky that my place was hyderabad and i was never far from my mothers house.

Smriti take a decision that will not hurt others, in the sametime will serve ur purpose. Talk to ur husband that we will take a house near by as ur co-sister is going to come and house will not be sufficient with the kids. We will keep mom with us only and she will visit or stay some time with them also. That will give some change. And as I am going to office she cant manage all the kids at a time and mom will be stressed.

The main thing u have to keep in the mind is to talk in the favour of his mother. Then it will be a straight way for u.

U can mention the thing like this:
I am going to work and will back in the evening. She(co-sister) has take care of 4 kids all together.She will be stressed.
We will keep a fultime maid so that she will help mother in law in her works and will give company to her.
As this house is only 2 bedroom, will not be sufficient if co-sister will come. Mom is sleeping in the hall ( i hope). We will take a big house so that kids will have a separate room and mom will also have a room for her self.
Search a meditation classes or some religious places for ur mother in law to make her self busy. That will give a good impression on u to ur husband.
First of all talk in the favour of ur mil. Then slowly make ur way out of that.
U can go to ur husband office when free and give company in the lunch time. If it is possible.
When we have mammas boys we have to make our own way to enjoy what to do.
Hope for the best.

Sangeetha

diana · Mar 31, 2008

Hi,

I guess talking will not help you in any way. It will only make you the black sheep of the family.... just as you said. So the best option is to take a break to India for about 2-3 months. Its better you leave before your sister-in-law comes back. Let them understand the problem physically. Fed up with them..your hubby will himself hunt them out. And I really mean it.

Dont say that you are going forever.... they may not allow you to go. Just say you want to go on a vacation. And every time your hubby calls asking you to come back...say that you will, only after he arranges a seperate accomodation.

This is my opinion. Rest upto you. All the best:2thumbsup:

Diana

roopadadia · Mar 31, 2008

Hi Smriti,

Everyone has given good views based on their experience.

Yes Diana's idea is good...leave a week before your co-sis comes back and then let them fend for a couple of months...sometimes actions play a major role than words.

Till then take good care of the house and the family members so they will realise the difference when you are not around. Be diplomatic in your approach...so you don't become a black sheep but everyone start looking up to you.

Till then if you or your kid is not well take that as an excuse not to over exert yourself at home and let your MIL help to do the household work and also the 2 male members too.

Roopa

hemchi · Apr 1, 2008

Yes Smriti...what Roopa and Diana says is a very good idea. If your parents support you in your decisions...let it look like as if they are inviting you there on some pretext. Let them invite you as if its a function or so...and then you can tag vacation of a couple of months. That way it will not look bad too. Yes its very true that actions speak louder than words.
As I told you earlier, in my case too...my hubby and my mil realized my worth in a similar way. Well in my case, I was expecting my baby and still doing most of the chores of the day! And then I went to my parents' place for my delivery. During my absence, the house was a literal chaos. So hubby dear realized the whole thing and my mil did not say a word when he asked my bil's family to shift to their own house. Mine was a genuine case to move to my parents' place.

Best regards,
Hema

smritimehra66 · Apr 3, 2008

Dear ILs
That you all for your help.
The idea of going to India on the pretext of some function is a very good one. I will have to ask my parents and my younger sister for help. Last year when i went to India, they were very understanding... But I wonder what their stand will be now regarding the whole thing. You see, saying that they are there for me is one thing, but actually being there is another thing.
I wish my sister will get married, who although is 25 is hesitating to get married, seeing all the troubles in my married life. Actually she is the main reason why I don't want to take any drastic steps, because i am scared she will not get any good proposals seeing that i have problems with my husbands family.
Any way I will talk to my parents and sister.. let me see what happens.
Hemchi, like you said I know my husband will miss me and our son very much. Last July when I went to India for 2 months, he used to call me almost everyday and ask how our baby was. My co sister also told me that he used to be depressed all the time.
Another week end is coming for us, as in UAE fridays are weekends. So yet another weekend of going out everyhwere with MIL, BIL and hubby's male cousins who come home "on weekends" to have "homely food"..
Wish me luck that I won't lose my temper!!!!
Smriti.

hemchi · Apr 3, 2008

Hi Smriti,

Cheer up!
Do explain your sister the good things of the marriage too. I have a friend who is also undergoing some problems with her control-freak mil. Now her sister is paranoid of getting married seeing her sister's woes. So I guess elder sisters automatically get the responsibility to educate their younger sisters about good and not-so-good things of a marriage.But do help her with your lessons learnt!

Good luck,
Hema

Nandshyam · Apr 4, 2008

smritimehra66 said: ↑

Any way I will talk to my parents and sister.. let me see what happens.
Hemchi, like you said I know my husband will miss me and our son very much. Last July when I went to India for 2 months, he used to call me almost everyday and ask how our baby was. My co sister also told me that he used to be depressed all the time.
Another week end is coming for us, as in UAE fridays are weekends. So yet another weekend of going out everyhwere with MIL, BIL and hubby's male cousins who come home "on weekends" to have "homely food"..
Wish me luck that I won't lose my temper!!!!
Smriti.
Click to expand...

Smriti, Dont worry ...... no RantRant.. just imagine as if no one if there and you are just working and serving your family.. Big LaughBig LaughBig Laugh

You have seen it smriti.. that he loves u and kid so much.. so don't worry as everyone said.. the prime target to talk from is "his mother" and then start working around it. Tell him that having a separate house might be relaxing for mom too, since she can just have some rest...

We are just ideas, I know you can sugarcoat all these and work it out.. So dont worry, give it a try!!!