I am in a very confused state and need some sound advice. Pls bear with me for a long mail. I was brought up by single mom and dont have any siblings .My mother had a inter-caste love marrigae and things didnt work out great with my parents.My father left us and disappeared totally after torturing us emotionally.I loved my dad a lot but never cried for his absence.Since it was a love inter-caste marriage , both my father and mother didnt get along with each other relatives and somehow my fathers relatives were never interested in me.I know only my mom's relatives . Mine was love-cum marriage.Before marriage ,even before loving this person ,I told them everything about my family.I didnt even hide one fact. My married life started rocking from day one , when my MIL who was friendly before started interferring in my life.She said that I shouldnt visit my mom who I had to leave alone .Growing up just with my mom for so many years , leaving her alone and coming to a new house ...I couldnt accept it and felt sad all the time. On top of that , my MIL will bring up a fight if I want to go tomy mom's house , my hubby shouldnt come to my house ,even if he comes he shouldnt eat there , I shouldnt keep my jewels with me and have to give everything to her,My husband shouldnt get anything for my mother or take her out , if he does hell broke lose. she will cry wont eat for days.My husband being mam's boy couldnt bear all that and stopped coming to my houseShe will invite my mom to house infront of my husband but when she comes my MIL wont talk properly.so instead of spending time with me he used to spend more time with his mom .When we got married ,I used to work and he didnt work so already the mom and son would have spent the wholeday.When I come back from office which will be by 8 pm , I used to help her in kitchen .In weekends also I uesd to hep her in kitchen but never used to cook anything myself because I dodnt know cooking and my MIL cooked very well and it was her passion to cook. But they used to complain that I never work at their house. Our fights increased day by , but by god's grace came to US to work .His sister sponsred us. But after coming here to , samething continued.He didnt go to work beacuse he didnt like IT feild and every week friday we have to go to his sisters house and will come back only sunday night.If not he will fight with me .His parents also came to visit his sister so again samething continued.From morning to night , his sister and mom will call 100 times to check whether he ate ,bath etc.I put up with all this for nearly 11/2 yrs .We never went anywhere alone ..and even if we go to a mall my husband will call them and talk to them . I know it is a silly complaint ..but i felt my husband was staying with me physically but his mind and soul was with his sister and parents. Then my mom beocme very sick and depressed , i waited for my husband to settle down in the job ..but my husband never put in effort to get a job so i got her here to US and he started fighting with me for that too.Intially he agreed abour bringing her here.He started saying that me and my mom is not treating him properly and fought with me and went to his sister's house. My mom didnt even used to stand infront of him .Every time she will run to kitchen . I was so angry with him ,becos I had put up so much of his family but he culdnt even put up with my mom who was sick.so I never stopped him from going. Then they came back and said we (both me and my mom ) are stubborn becos we didnt stop him from going out.Then after things sorted out he refused to come back till he got a job.Then he studied for 4 months from his sister's place and got a job in a different state and when he came back again the samething started.He left the job and said going to do some business and stayed at home and started all fights. He said u r not talking friendly with my mom , u r not asking abt my sister.He also started shouting at my mom for not being friendly with his parents.it seems being a girl's have to be below them. When he started talking abt my mom and her life ..i just asked him to leave me alone.He again left to his sisters place and this time too i didnt stop. Now again he wants to re-concile with me but he is wants me to be friendly with his family.I am saying that I will talk to them but cant be has he expects be very friendly His parents insults my mom a lot talking badly abt her past , even he speaks the same way.I dont want to live with this kind of ppl. They are saying that my mom didnt instill virtues in me and didnt bring me up to be good with in-lwas as herself doesnt have a proper life. What happened to my mom was past ...y to bring it up now ..when they know fully and married me ? Now his father is saying that they got me married as they didnt have any other option and I am a stubborn wife who sent husband out of house and refused to take him back without job . Is asking a husband to work is too bad ? Not wanting to talk "friendly" to ppl who have insulted u r family a big mistake ? what is wrong in keeping a distance between in-laws ? What does my brought up have to do with it ..accepeted that I grew up alone and dont have much interactions with relations. but if they had been nice to me i would have nice to them right ? I do value my culture but I can take this thing abt girl's parents means u ve to take any insults .It is not culture .God made u s all equal right ? I am pained to realize that I had loved this person and wasted my percious life on him ..praying for his welfare.All he cares about is his family. He told me he can never take care of my mom ..she has t live alone but he cant at any cost leave his parents ... Dont I have the same responsiblity has a daughter ? He is saying nowhere it says SIL should take care of MIL ...but as a DIL I have to do ...that is inidan culture ...Is this Indian culture ? My god .. I have never seen a person so obsessed with family.My mom says that forget abt me and take care of u r life ..I wonder y his parents doesnt say that But back of my mind , I have a small doubt ...maybe ..maybe ..i am stubborn and arrogant .Am i behaving like this because i was brought up alone ...but it was not my choice right ? Ladies I would love to hear your views .Pls guide me to clear my conscience
Hi Lily Cute name. I know at present you are confused and frustrated. Many Indian men(not all) are like your husband only. But in that some know how to handle wife and parents without any misunderstandings. Your husband lagged that part. Just sit and have a talk with your hubby about this and his job also. And when you r talking just make him clear that its your responsibility to take care of your mother and dont bring back the past to lead a smooth life. Many fellow ILites will enlighten you with so many valuable pointers. Lakshmi
Lily, I can understand your present state of mind. Please trust me - things will get better. Most Indian men, unfortunately have this mind-set (thanks to society and/or their parents!) on how they should maintain the status-quo of being a Son-in-Law and not be "pulled" into the wife's family. It doesn't help if MILs exacerbate the situation and make it worse. It can get very frustrating. I am an only child too and was raised by my mom (my dad passed away when I was 5). Naturally, after all the sacrifices that my mom made, I grew up thinking that I want my husband to be a SON to my mom and not a Son-in-law and I'm sure my mom expected the same. After my first few married years of arguments, misunderstandings, and high expectations from my husband, I have completely and fully reconciled that it is not going to work this way. My husband (in his actions and words) made it clear to me that he cannot be one of those "progressive" men who call their MILs as "Amma" and treat them like their own mothers. I have now stopped expecting anything from him and I do my part as a dutiful and loving daughter. We cannot expect anyone to change or act differently. We can only change ourselves to stop expecting from others. In your case, what is unacceptable is the things that your ILs and husband are saying against your mom. As a daughter, I know how hurtful it can be to hear such things against your mom who is no one short of God to you. You are not stubborn and arrogant. And I don't know what culture fosters such a kind of behaviour. You should have an open conversation with your husband and set up boundaries as to what behaviour is acceptable versus what is not. Tell him clearly that your mom need not be pampered or loved by him but she should definitely be respected. I know that it is hard to love and be nice to your MIL and SIL when they are behaving like this but this is where you can show your greatness and "bigness". Tell him that you will be nice to them from your side. Try hard to be pleasant and talk to them nicely everytime they call or come over. Your niceness may bring about a change in their attitude. Your SIL and MIL are probably insecure about your husband and are trying their best to be as close to him as possible to make sure that you are not influencing him. Let your actions and attitude towards them make them realize that you are a part of their family now. Sometimes showing some love works wonders. Open up your heart and see if you can let go of the past and try being friendly and loving to your ILs. Seeing this maybe your husband might change as well. Take Care
culture? Culture has nothing to do in this lady its individual character thats popping up. Above all the issues you had mentioned.. the most critical thing is.. "job" Why isnt you husband not sticking with one. Whats the problem.. The reason I am saying is you got to find out the root cause for this weird behavior. Being here, I am surprised how he can be so laid back and not worry abt his job and the future.. is his sister going to be helping him always or what? First make him to get a grip on this life.. talk to him why is he like this.. whats bothering him if any. I guess your foundation is so shaky in this relationship. There seems to be no security or trust between u guys. Before starting to work on the problems thats "outside" the relationship, you guys need to concentrate between u both and figure out whats happening.
Hey! Ask ur hubby to grow up dear! He seems to be a real spoilt brat! not wanting to work, and throwing his weight around! Ur mum needs u, and stand by her. NO! U are not arrogant and u r not expecting too much, in fact u r expecting very little, and he is'nt even doing that! Get ur life in order dear! We luv our in laws, and if our husbands luv their in laws (our parents), they are not doing us a favor!!! Boy or girl, all of us are equal to our parents, and in today's world, if u don't stand by ur parents, who will??? Take care dear, and please never ever forsake that wonderful mum of urs! She deserves every bit of luv, sincerity and consideration u can give her!
Hi Lily, You are not arrogant or a stubborn person dear!! being the only daughter for a single mom, this is the least anyone would expect, to take care of mom and shower them with love. the biggest problem is your hubby's job issue and he being a total "mommy boy". regards, sreelata.s
Dump him!! He is not worth it. First of all he has no spine to work and after that he sets rules in your life. You have been a fatherless child, you need someone who takes care of you. Not who makes your life a living hell. Leave him, If he cares for you he will come back for you, or if not its better for you without him. Get ur life in order dear. You are earning well, live independently and take care of your mother. And start life anew. Some day some good person will walk in your life again. All the best :2thumbsup: Diana
hi Lily i think that the ilites are correct, you do have a responsibility to your mother...all of us do...but sometimes these il's think that we should should just forget our family. be strong, your mother needs your help, you should help her. sash
