How to help MIL in her loneliness!

RiddhimaT · Dec 8, 2012

Hi All,
 My husband is the only son, We live in Western India because of my DH job,whereas, my MIL is in North. She is alone and is working as a primary teacher in KV. Though we have good neighbours but somehow we are very concerned about her being alone.
I have asked her ‘N’ number of times to leave her job and come and stay with us but she is somehow very much attached to the house, the locality etc…..Coming for few weeks is fine but she is not ready to come and stay with us permanently…somehow she misses her routine, her friends etc. Now a days, we come to hear so many incidents here and then, which really make us worry about her being alone.
Keeping a maid /servant seems somehow more risky. We shifting to North is somehow next to impossible because of jobs etc.
Just wanted to know any ideas as to how should we handle this situation.
Thanks,

MansiS · Dec 8, 2012

Hi Riddhima,

It's great that you are so concened about your MIL...I am sure she would be a great lady and really blessed to have a DIL like you.

See, I can understand these aged people, they are actually very attached to their home, their routine....but the only thing what I can say is you need to sit down and talk to her and convince her that its for everybody's betterment that she shifts with you....In case of any emergency, how will she be able to handle things all alone....Once she shifts with you, I am sure she'll set her routine and make her friends in the new place too....

All the best!

jewel4u86 · Dec 12, 2012

Dear Riddhima,

Its difficult for the old people to leave their memories and move forward.

you have not clearly mentioned the incidents which made u worry.

You may go for sometime to her house and make her life smooth, by getting her into some activities.

Activities like some old people clubs, laughing clubs, make her go to library for reading books, some kind of hobbies in which she is interested.

Also get her cellphone if she dont have.

Rgds,
jewel

tashidelek2002 · Dec 12, 2012

If she is still working I don't think you need to worry yet and when she retires she may want to shift naturally. She might worry about boredom at your house at this point. Just be glad she is so active.

nicegirlradhi · Dec 12, 2012

riddhima

good to hear that you are very concerned about your MIL. what about your FIL?

it would be good not to force her to come and stay with you. if she is enjoying her current lifestyle, i suggest not to disturb her unless there is some serious concern like ill health etc. also we have cell phones there days, so you can talk to her every day once in morning and evening for some time

you can also do video call through skype. ofcourse, i think she knows how to use computer and skype. it is not difficult at all

FE40 · Dec 12, 2012

Hi Ridhimma,

Good to know that you are concerned about your MIL.

Since she is working for KV, she is spending a lot of time at school. So she will be having social contacts more at school.

What i would suggest is, instead of asking her to give up her job and come to your place, suggest that she can transfer to the nearest KV of your locality. Developing a social contact at work place is easy. It solves two problems. One is that she is secured about her job and time spent. Second is ... the social contacts of her own circle.

Try this. Good Luck

eswarisuresh · Dec 12, 2012

She is a very lucky MIL to have DIL like you. Since she is working and she doesn't want to move then no point forcing her to leave the place.

You have mentioned that she is a teacher, why not suggest that she tutors over the weekend? I am sure as a teacher she would like to spend quality time teaching and also you need not worry too.

shyamala1234 · Dec 12, 2012

Dear Ridhimma,

Your concern for your MIL is admirable.

But as she is working...she would be bored without work if she permanently shifts with you. Many seniors want their familiar surroundings, in their house, a set routine...it makes them comfortable. She must be having some friends who can drop in. Teach her basics of computor.She would enjoy it a lot. You can frequently call her, talk to her and she can visit you during vacation. In that way relationships also would be good. As long as she is healthy and is able to live on her won..let it be so.When health fails and not able to cope up then she can come and stay with you. Till then let her be independent.
I know some seniors.....go abroad to visit their children. After a while they miss their familiar surroundings and set routine and want to come back. My friend jocularly says...it is a fight between independence and security. Staying with children gives security and staying on one's own gives independence and freedom...which is also very important.

Syamala

RiddhimaT · Dec 12, 2012

Thanks All for all the lovely suggestions.

The issue is the surroundings know that an old lady lives alone in the house.....I hope you understand.
We have heard so many cases regarding this.

I do talk to her twice a day but then at the back of mind, I am just worried.

She has just 3-4 years of service left and has already taken her last transfer...I think there is a rule in KV that when less than 5 years of service is left, no transfers are done....

May be I should wait for yet another 3-4 years and then convince her hard....!

tashidelek2002 · Dec 13, 2012

Why don't you hire a guard or an able driver so that she has some protection. Also, perhaps there is a nephew or cousin (male) that could live with her during this period. Wouldn't this be helpful?