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Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies.....

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mohini16, Nov 29, 2012.

  1. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Ilities , this is my 4'th post i guess on this forum ....you all can read my previous posts about getting married at age of 22 , divorced immediately due to his EMA ,struggled alone in Canada for 5 years and made my own stand. I was pretty content with my career there....I am 28 now.
    i mentioned in previous post that i landed in India to search for life partner and was dead alone in canada so wanted to stay with family......registered in matrimony site...spoke with couple of guys and i only liked 2 guys , they both are in USA and now i can go back to Canada again and meet them and see how it goes.......now all of these guys are single and working at good positions ....
    i am in touch with one of these guy since abt 5 months now on phone and he was supposed to come to india to meet me and family only but he cudnt for some reason , he is saying he will come next year in Jan now.....
    I liked this guy for couple of reasons....
    1) He is very successful at age of 30 only , he is making more than 200K , will be making abt 300K by next year - I respect success and have always been inclined towards luxury and class my whole life , this is first quality that attracts me (I make about 65K , comparatively his income is too high)
    2) He is single but he is still interested in me, when he sent me message on matrimony first he didn’t know abt my past but I still accepted his interest and then after 2 days I told him abt my past, he didn’t react even for minute and I asked if u and ur family is ok with this we can speak further , he immediately said he doesn’t have problem with my and wants to take it further but I asked what abt ur family , I told him u can speak to ur family and let me know…he messaged me after 2 days do u want my parents to speak with ur parents ? I asked but did they agree? He said they don’t have any issue with it. I asked how come coz Indian mentality doesn’t digest this thing easily even though marriage lasted for 15 days only. He said I didn’t react immediately because my sister is facing same problem so I totally understand ur situation.
    “I asked him what is pulling his interest into me?” He replied – your FACE , I don’t believe in physical beauty however when I saw ur face I get very positive vibes and when I saw ur pic I cudnt stop myself from sending u message even though I got to know abt your past later I get good feeling spiritually.
    3) He is very spiritual and religious – whenever I speak to him I get peace in my mind like when I speak to mom and she tells me positive things abt life and I feel relief . He says don’t think abt what happened in past and it was for good only. He never even asked in detail abt my past as he thinks it will hurt me and whatever gone is gone and I am innocent in it. Whatever he has told me so far on phone is he goes to temple bi weekly when he gets pay cheuqe and donates rice , besides he donates to welfare people too. Really positive abt life and very hard working , doing 2 full time jobs , getting another project next year.
    Now what I don’t like about him and I even made it clear too that I don’t like mamma’s guys since he is really close to his family so do i…. initially first question he asked me was I am ok to live with his parents …I said yes initially as I didn’t wanted to lose him. Later I made it clear that I don’t have issue in staying with parents only when there is no interference in my privacy and life and kitchen. I want my own time and privacy with husband. he is not ready to accept that there will be any prob with parents.
    Second issue is his parents are broke ……..he has been supporting his parents from last 6 years , they live in Kuwait , his father had debt and he had to repay it and that’s why he was doing 2 jobs ….debt was abt 400k and he repaid as he told me. They are still dependent on him , he sends money for their rent , grocery etc etc. he bought one flat in india for 70 lakhs and they are staying there . his father was drunkard and lost money in gambling…..
    I basically lost respect for his parents already…..he even supported his sis when she was going through tough times. So yes basically he has this broke family seem like……now he said his parents sold his grandparent house and got 1 crore and his sis is working now in London , she is dentist there. His younger brother is struggling in Mumbai for some modeling or movie.
    Now what does he want from the girl he wants to get married is “She will love him and his family and he will do same” .i heard this thing like 100 times from him , this is his only expectation…..she can work /can study/do business …whatever she likes.
    Second this is he doesn’t sound romantic …he is reserved, shy ,hasn’t been in relationship or properly had gone out with girl. He was busy all the time in working and studying.
    And I want romance, love , fun in my married life with kind of financial security he has or he can give me. He hasn’t done clubbing or dancing, he says I will go with you if you like dancing, if you teach me.
    So overall he sounds like very family oriented guy who loves his family very much and expecting it from me……….now if I think it from other side what do I have to offer him…….only the beauty (ppl approach me for my looks every now and then) and I am working already making 65 K which he doesn’t seem to be very interested in my money…..and even I don’t think and want to accept but I am divorcee , he is single and he is ready to accept this.

    Ladies……….pls suggest me what do I do? What do u think abt this man?

    Thanks
    Mohini
     
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  2. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...

    Hai mohini
    Good to know that u have come out of ur past life and looking for the good things in future u have been cheated in the early stage of ur life that's why u not able to take any step boldly u r in a state of confusion with people around good that u had find a person who completely accepts u i must say he is sincere good that he clearly mentioned he cannot go against his parents for u im seeing some stop point here but i think he is a very sincere person he gave true details about his family (IMO) now its up to u whether u can lead ur entire life with this family anyways do the background check thoroughly with the help of ur parents if u trust him and had the confidence that u can live with him happily then go ahead but dont stepinto the relation with high hopes all the best
     
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  3. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...

    Dear Mohini,

    I havent read your previous posts... based on what you've written, basically the guy is
    family oriented, responsible, ambitious, hard working and successful too, and also EMPATHETIC to other's troubles because he has seen enough in his young life.

    Actually, if the guy is really all this, I think you might have to make some compromises about "my privacy" "my kitchen" and "my time and space"

    And when you say you've lost respect for his parents, then you definitely shouldnt go ahead with the marriage and spoil his life !!! because in Indian arranged marriages, family always comes first .... say after the initial years, harsh words slip out from you about his "dysfunc family", it is not going to help your marriage !!!

    Please think carefully!

    Could you also borrow from his attitude and say "I have had some problems, so I wont judge others weaknesses" , "I will do what I can for my elders and not judge them" and "Within my capacity, I will help in-laws and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law when they are in trouble" then only you should go ahead!!!

    Dont go into this marriage starry-eyed and mushy mushy - it is clearly not going to be a romantic la la land!!!

    Go into it only if you fully realise and accept what you are signing up for!!!
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2012
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  4. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...

    Thanks Raman for your feedback and time to answer my question..... EMA means Extra marital affair , guy was having affair in his office ,never used to come home , continously asking me to go back to india.......

    This guy lives in USA not in Canada , he does sound OK overall but too much inclined towards family who is broke frommy perspective....
    One thing i need to clarify him besides i already clarified i dont like mumma's boys is that he is not doing me any favour by marrying me , because i had this unfortunate incident in my past it doesnt mean that i have to adjust with his broken family , i am not saying i am going to disrespect them for no reason. but it has to work both ways....... its not give and take.....it is relation for life. I will make it very clear to him and see his reaction then.
    Thanks again Raman........

    Waiting for more replies ladies.......
    Mohini
     
  5. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...


    Thanks Hrastro ,you are very right , i have same feeling that i cant expect lovey dovey affair with rosy romance as he is shy and doesnt sound romantic , and this family drama cant be ignored , i will see what he will say to me after i make clarification that there is no gurantee that i have to adjust or love his family , love comes from heart ......it will happen with time .....

    Mohini
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...

    Mohini,

    If you get everything whatever you wanteed then you are one lucky girl.

    Life always have up and downs.Since you suffered in the past doesn't mean that you are going to happy in future.There will be always issues what kind of spouse you get.In normal conditions most of the wife and husand had issues until they adjust togethere it could be parents,money or whatever.

    If the guy had a good family then he might not looking for himself matched.May be his mother already might have married him.Since he had a broken family and he is looking for you becuase you both have issues.

    If the person had everything in life then he will never understand a person who was divorced before.So you need a person who can understand your position.

    Just deam for normal life then you will not get disoppointed later.Not many people are too romantic.Because people are busy with there lifes and trying to earn money for whatever be the reasons.Only few could achive both of them.

    But anyway only time can tell you.But don't keep too many expecations on your deam boy.There will always be adjustments ,up and downs.As long as you both can make things works that's all matter.
     
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  7. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...

    1. Are you sure that he is earning what he says he is earning?

    2.There are many frauds online preying on women.
     
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  8. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...

    i would say, yes, you are expecting too much from your destiny!
     
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  9. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...

    One can't get everything in life.I am not suggesting you to marry and adjust with this guy and his family.

    But it is always better to wish for a peaceful life and pray God to give u such life.All other things(money, romance etc etc..) will fall in place automatically if u are destined to get those.

    Don't have too many expectations and don't weigh anything or compare anyone's plus and minus with u because God always makes it in such way that we can't question HIM.
     
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  10. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Am I expecting too much from my destiny ? Please suggest all you mature ladies...

    If all that you say is true and he is what you say he is, then I agree with the above poster who said this


    Could you also borrow from his attitude and say "I have had some problems, so I wont judge others weaknesses" , "I will do what I can for my elders and not judge them" and "Within my capacity, I will help in-laws and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law when they are in trouble" then only you should go ahead!!!

    Dont go into this marriage starry-eyed and mushy mushy - it is clearly not going to be a romantic la la land!!!


    you have been through a lot - and you have come out with flying colours. And in my opinion - So has HE. he has made a life for himself INSPITE of his dysfunct family. Not only that, He has given life to those people who are supposed to support him - His parents. He has seen his sister going through all the troubles that you have gone through and make a life for herself in London. he sees the same quality in you and respects you for that.

    I understand that it could be difficult for you to be a part of this dysfunct family -so i kinda agree that with you when you say - you want your privacy.

    If you are going ahead with this person - I would suggest - stay separate, let him support his family financially. you do what you can as a human being, as much as you can.

    remember, movie style romance doesn't last forever. It is the love that is deep within keeps you warm for the rest of your life.

    whatever happens, I wish you the very Best in Life. Be happy. You deserve to be.
     
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