dhs problem with my parents

apaasn · Nov 28, 2012

Sweetshreya,That was an awesome reply! I have nothing to add,this should really help you,OP.

These people just want to create fights and give tensions. The only way to beat them is to ignore them,this is hard but practice,practice and it will become a bit easy. Ignore them,don't react negatively in front of them,you focus on other things and life will become easy,they will also stop trying to annoy you.

My Dh is the same,initial two yrs of marriage I kept him away from my parents,I never asked him to call on their birthdays,I never asked him for anything regarding my parents,once in a bluemoon he would ask me if my parents are fine,I would say ya they are doing fine.now when we visit India he himself buys gifts for my parents(of course he buys double for his parents) but its a lot better than initial yrs.now he himself dials their number on Diwali,new yr and talks nicely.but I have changed into a person who really doesn't care what he does.

coolpinky · Nov 28, 2012

Sweetshreya,

Very good description of DOs and DONTs.
Its very useful to me also:thumbsup

ChandrikaV · Nov 28, 2012

I agree with Sweetshreya's response 100%. One addl thing I would like to add - ask your dad not to advice him about taking time to exercise. It is a sensitive area - even though your dad has all good intentions.

amicabledeepu · Nov 28, 2012

Tell your parents to limit conversations with your Dh and only talk when necessary.
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well ya iam trying to make my folks understand this ..
Parvathi no it wont be the case at all cause sil had a love marriage and hes very cool she almost comes everyday to mil and for all functions he picks and drops my mil ,and he doesnt care even if she talks crap..
katakam ya for my dh family its not dowry they feel they dint take anything from us ..he says he married me without dowry
navyar ya my parents arent smart at all and they just talk blankly without thinking ,iam trying to make them understand please talk a little tactfuly ..i cant see them getting after everyhting they did for us and i know their intentions are good but dhand his family doesnt take it that way,mil waits for a chance to point out anyone she has this clever way of talkin and my parents cant match up to her skills anyway..
lukywife ya i agree that he wont take anything against his family ,even if i say i called but they dint cal me bak he gets angry and creates a scene ..i always support my parents in front of him if he argues about them..and he says i shouldnt do that he expects me to take his side as wife..
sweetshreya thanks a lot for your response and u give such smart response i really like the way you giv suggestions ,and i will make sure ill follow all these
i cant do a tit for tat i feel it really cheap that he has done that so i have to do that to his family even if i have issue with his mom i dont complain him because it wnt solve any problem and it will lead to a fight with him too unless its a too big issue i avoid discussing with dh ..but mil complains for each and every smal thing and he believes it she leaves her bad talk part cunning lady..
hope someday after listening to all your sugestions i can become smart in handling people too and come to a stage where i can also advice people ..touch wood
aminroop ..yes dh and his family view no dowry ..they are very simple people who married a gal with no dowry they feel so..ofcourse i should agree they have spent lavishly too she has given me a lot of gold becuase hes only son and all..
fencesitter ya unfortunately yes..
apaasn ..nice to hear he buys gifts for them and all..i hope my dh changes too a little bit i dont expect too mch from him atleast i expect him to be cordial to them and dont complain for each and everything ..

thanks for all your replies iam implementing all these and will update you all about the positive effects ..:thumbsup
i want to add i can see a change in my handling of things after joining Il,before i used to take everything sensitively and get emotional but now iam thinking twice before reacting to anything ..thanks for all your help..:bowdown

snm1984 · Nov 29, 2012

sweetshreya said: ↑

Things you should do about your parents: :thumbsup
a. Limit their talks with him. Let them speak only on the occasions of b'day, festivals or something important.
b. Together with them choose a time for speaking with your parents when DH, MIL, etc are not around, so that you can have a hearty talk with each other. For ex. just after reaching workplace, during lunch break, etc.
c. Lower their expectations. Make them clearly understand his nature, how his mind twists everything they say. Plead them to tread carefully when they are talking to him.

Things you should not do with your parents: tsk
a. Don't let them take you on a emotional guilt trips because of your husband. For ex. if they tell you how bad they feel when he does not talk to them, don't take it personally. Just say he is like that and we cannot do anything about it and leave it there.
b. Ditto with your in-laws. Separate yourself from them in your parents eyes.

Things you should do about your MIL: :thumbsup
a. Understand that you cannot shut her up.
b. Understand that you cannot change the way she poisons her son's mind, nor can you help him in not getting poisoned.
c. Ignore her. Just don't listen to her. When she is speaking, divert your concentration to something else, so that she knows you are not even listening.
d. Get a good phone with mp3 player and headphones. When she starts talking crap, stuff it into your ears and play the music. Do it again and again and again. Until they really know that you have no intention to listen ever.
e. Show her subtly that you revere your parents, when it comes to yourself by taking their advice, acting on their advice, asking them to choose for you, etc. Do it all very subtly, without provoking her. For ex. discuss workplace related problems with them, take their advice about your career, take up a new technology because dad thinks it will benefit you, etc.
f. Gradually, start being strong and independent in your personality. Buy a dress for yourself, have lunch/dinner outside with friends, join a hobby class on weekends without asking/discussing (just inform in offhand way).

Things you should not do about your MIL: tsk
a. Getting hurt by her.
b. Telling her you are hurt, angry, depressed, etc. She will dance in her heart if you do.

Now, concerning your DH, you have two options: :thumbsup
a. Ignore his not talking to your parents and relatives. You speak to his relatives as much and as ever you are comfortable with.
OR
b. Ti-for-tat. If he does not speak with your parents, don't speak a word with his, till he calls up your parents and speaks politely. Don't speak with his relatives, if he doesn't speak with yours. See that equality is maintained in everything you two do.

This one is really your call.....

Things you should not do about your husband: tsk
a. Be a sob-baby in front of him.
b. Keep telling him you are hurt, you felt bad. Cos till now you must have known that some husbands do not give two cents to wife's hurt.
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Super Super like:thumbsup
Thanks a lot,very useful tips.I will keep these in mind.