Not knowing what to do.Please Help or suggest and sorry for the long mail

My dear friend, I have gone through such a life before. But I gracefully walked out. I didnt want to spoil my life for such a useless person. My ex-MIL was also same as you told. I suggest the same for you. You don't have to spoil your life for someone who doesn't deserve it. You can work and be financially independent. all men are not alike. most of the men are bastards, but there are good people. May be you will end up finiding the right one later in life. but please don't spoil your life with such a useless person

 

Dear, you started with the best suggestion yourself in the thread. You need to find a job ASAP. Don't worry and just start. Once you start, all other confidence issues will resolve on its own. The job will give you the confidence you need. People are always scared to start a job after a break or for the first time. But those fears are baseless. Everybody including me has faced that fear. One month into the job and all the things scaring you now, your independednce, self sufficiency, confidence, people skills will build on its own. Forget about everything else, including what if your husband reconciles and calls you back. And dont ask him if you should get one or tell him I am getting one. He will avoid it because he would know that you are becoming ready to develop a brian of your own. First and highest priority thing- get a job.
And btw, 28 is not old. Your Age is a plus factor for you.

And what about fear of divorce?? Aren't you already separated from him? You are living your life on your own. You would be okay. Dont be so scared. Get a job first and then you can evaluate later whether this relationship can work or not. Give it a fair try but dont be afraid of consequences - divorce.

 

Read above my comments in red.

 

And one more thing, whenever you get this fear of what would hapen, consider this...
This is so tough for you now, when you are young and capable. What if he did this same thing when you are 45-50. You can deal with this better now and today. Dont just give into baseless requests. If you want to patch up, patch up properly. Make the right decision for yourself.

 

Being in a marriage like this is only going to break you further.When you are starting something new it always feels scary,lost. First step would be start thinking in that direction and courage will follow eventually.

 

Think this way, u were working before and supporting yourself as an independent girl, let me may be 6 years, thn you got married , 3 years, you managed your life longer as a single person, now u have additional experience in ur resume, 3 years married life!

I'm not asking you think abt divorce, think abt u, when u believe in you, you husband should realize what his he missing.

Think positive! Once a fren told me if anyone slap you once you will forgive, second ? Third...,,it's all matter only till you give a slap back!

 

Op,

You have made 30 posts in this thread till now. Any one of those posts contains several reasons why you should separate from him and never look back.

You are scared to death of the word divorce. The stigma is very big in your mind. You have to overcome the stigma and the fear.

It is better to be alone for the rest of your life than with the abusive wife beating jerk that your 30 posts have described.

You are not able to do anything because you are just waiting for the axe to fall. Stop being so passive. Stop ignoring the overwhelming evidence of what your eyes, ears, mind and feelings are telling you about this sorry excuse you married.

Stop hoping against hope that you will somehow be delivered from this situation. No one is going to come and make your troubles go away magically. If you think one fine day, your husband's eyes will open, he will repent, come running to you and fall at your feet for forgiveness, no that is not going to happen. This is not a movie. OP, sorry to say but no matter how many times you post asking for help help and more help, there is no such magic suggestion out there that ILites can deliver you.

There are a few things you must do to get out of this situation. Many different people have suggested them in many different ways but the list of things to do is identical from everyone. You also already know this in your mind. Why is your heart not ready to accept it? Yes, thse things are slow, difficult and tough to implement. You have to take it as a challenge and remake your life. Things could be much worse-- you could be older, have kids or your parents could be dead against your separation. So look on the positive side. Stop worrying about some other spouse or what men are like or chances of remarriage. First land on your feet. Trust in yourself, in your brain, your ability and your mind and start doing what is suggested. These are the only things that will help you in this situation. So stop waiting for something to happen, give yourself permission to do something about your life and then do it!

 

Dear Needhelp123,

In spite of knowing that I intervene in this very emotional thread, I have no option left. This post which is your feedback to the OP was nominated by Rkk1 to the Finest Post of the Month. Congratulations!:thumbsup

Though you have named yourself as 'needhelp', it is amazing how much help you have provided Lovelybird with your words. I read this and other posts too in this thready by you. You have replied to her in such clarity and and your analysis of the situation is so correct and apt. I so wish that Lovelybird will pay heed to your advice. I sincerely hope that she wins her sefl confidence back and works herself out of the depression she has got into.

With a more objective mind, she should find the light at the end of the tunnel with guiding and comforting words such as your's.

I wish all the best to you too and hope and pray that you find your happiness too having gone through some heartaches yourself.

All the best and keep up the good work!

L, Kamla

 

My dear Lovelybird,

Your dilemma and your problems melts my heart.

I went through this whole thread and could understand how deeply disturbed you are. It is sad to see how your self confidence has been totally destroyed by your unfortunate marriage problems. I feel like writing pages and pages to you with suggestions and comforting words. But, that will be only an addition and a repetition of words that have already been written to you by so many of our wonderful members. I can only pray that you will pay heed to all the helpful advice given to you here and you will be able to pick up the threads and get back to the business of living...living a life of confidence and cheer which befits a young 28year old. You should change your thoughts and perception of what true love is. First of all, learn to love yourself and then love those who really care for you and love you. Don't hanker for the worth less people if all that they can do is to belittle you.

All the best. I wish you lots and lots of smiles, happiness and cofirmed actions towards making your life happy. Get that loveliness back into your life and fly free like a bird...Lovelybird!

L, Kamla