Can i trust and proceed or should i forget and move on?

bindumoon · Nov 16, 2012

It doesn't matter what he wants or your family wants. You first find out what YOU want.
You want to come out of this marriage then contact a lawyer and get divorced. You are the only one who can do this noone else gonna help or can take care of this matter.

insha · Nov 17, 2012

I feel the other guy being in a hurry to get married with you is not sounding right.I mean any normal person would like to stay alone for sometime and feel the need of company as the time goes.He wants another person ready when one is gone is definitely a red flag in my opinion.So before accepting his proposal try to know more about him and his family background and reasons for his separation from his wife,NOT FROM HIS MOUTH but from some other source.What he says may not always be right...Take time to settle with someone..All the very best!

rkk1 · Nov 18, 2012

FE40 said: ↑

Now, again he made a serious proposal, and asked me whether we can get married. Though i did not turn down his request, i told him that my divorce procedure will take a long time as i have to fight a case. And asked him whether he was willing to wait. Meanwhile i also asked whether he is sure that he wants to break again with his Ex. He told yes, and said that he had paid more alimony again. But he is a hurry to remarry. He also added that, if i turn down the proposal this time, he will never revert back.

I loved him a lot, but now after these incidents, just dont understand what is in his mind. What i understand is ... he feels so lonely without a relationship. So immediately after parting with me, he went back to his Ex. and regretting now.

Can i trust him and proceed taking all the risks? Or forget and move on with this life?
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BIG RED FLAGS HERE... which I have bolded. PLEASE listen to your intuition. Your discomfort in the situation is telling you clearly that something is just not right. YOU KNOW that there is a problem here. Don't doubt yourself.

I find the above bolded points to be serious concerns. I too married someone who was in a rush to marry me, even knowing of my discomfort. Now I am getting ready to take a divorce from him. If only I had listened to my intuition (as your intuition is similarly telling you) I would have taken more time to marry. My husband is good in many ways, but there are some few points of incompatibility which I would have known if we had taken longer to get married. Please don't make my mistake. Also for your sake, you already have had one marriage break.... it is CRUCIAL to make a wise decision this time, not another mistake again.

I can understand you feel tempted. Especially if he treats you nicely, and certainly you must crave some love and romance after a bad marriage. I was also pulled towards my husband, as he was romantic and made me feel very good... like I was cared for and special to him. Thus I ignored my discomforts and ignored the red flags telling me not to rush into the relationship.

If he is pushing you to get married, he is not caring for your feelings or what is best for you. It is not good to get into a relationship with such a desperate man. After one relationship ends, one should take the time to think properly for some time about what lessons to learn and how to make relationships better in future. Some time away from such relationships is necessary. The fact that he wants to jump between one relationship to another does not speak well for him. Even worse is that he tells you that he will never give you chance again if you do not accept this time. A decent caring guy would never say this kind of thing. Something is certainly wrong with him, it seems. He seems rather calculated and manipulative, not any good qualities to have in a life partner. You both have kids, and it is very important to think about the kids' sake before getting married. The fact that he wants to rush you into a marriage without allowing you time to think about the future... that is not good.

Please listen to what your inner voice is telling you. People here are validating your feelings and suggesting the same thing... that something is just not right.

DivyaBharati · Nov 18, 2012

Plz don't quit your job , at this stage u need job to be independent and look after your daughter ....
he is not god just to close your eyes and trust him.
First ask him to help in the divorce processs as without getting divorce you can't marry him so what is the point of quitting job and relocating
if you want to search job in his city then tell him to help you in that Job search

sankarimaheswar · Nov 18, 2012

I fully agree with the views od uththraa. Dont believe the second man.first get divorce if you really feel . Then decide later . I think i can advise since i am 60 years old

indianguy2010 · Nov 18, 2012

FE40 said: ↑

I

So immediately after parting with me, he went back to his Ex. and regretting now. For me, i liked him a lot, he is the only relationship i had since i got separated 7 years back, so am also finding it difficult to move on. Our relationship lasted for one year and i cherish all the memories.

First time, our miscommunication ended in break up, then we became friends again. He is making a proposal again, but again he is in a hurry. My question is, whether he will remain stable with me once we marry? Or he still has feelings for his Ex, and he may shunt to her again?

When i asked him, what made him go back to his Ex., his answer was it was because of his 'son' and 'humanity' (as she was undergoing a serious surgical

.
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Please do not think that he went back to his Ex because he parted with you. He has attachment on her. He can certainly shunt back to her sooner or later.

FE40 · Nov 19, 2012

Thankyou everyone for your valuable comments.

I have already told that I will not be able to quit the job. And also added that ... at this stage kids are the priority for both. Moreover, since he has gone back to his Ex, i have nothing that i could do.

Meanwhile, as everyone has suggested i have consulted a lawyer and in the process of filing for divorce. It is a contested divorce, but the advocate said, since am already separated for many years, it is an easy process.

I think i have to move on with my life now.... just making my mind to it.

Please give me inputs as to how to overcome this phase and move on.

sankarimaheswar · Nov 19, 2012

we are all with you to give moral support. dont take any hasty decision

FE40 · Nov 20, 2012

Thank you. sankarimaheswar

But mine is Not a haste decision.

I think i have no other option left.

Neither can i hurry up by leaving the job, nor can i blindly transfer my responsiblities of kid care to him. I feel it has to be discussed extensively and done in steps. He feels that i am not believing him, and it hurts his ego. I have suffered a lot in the past relationship because i gave in too much, not to hurt partner's ego, but regretting very much now. I was dictated too much in the past, and was expected to do whatever was imposed on me. So, now i fear so much, when there is no discussion and i dont have the confidence to proceed.

Added to that he is still with his Ex. Though he complains always, i have not seen him hurt her, though she keeps hurting him. Either way i cant do anything, unless he decides to come out.

On my part, I also have realised that there is no point in staying separated without legal separation. It just gives chance for me getting hurt in future again.

FE40 · Nov 20, 2012

Thankyou sankarimaheswar.

But mine is Not a haste decision.

I think i have no other option left.

Neither can i hurry up by leaving the job, nor can i blindly transfer my responsiblities of kid care to him. I feel it has to be discussed extensively and done in steps. He feels that i am not believing him, and it hurts his ego. I have suffered a lot in the past relationship because i gave in too much, not to hurt partner's ego, but regretting very much now. I was dictated too much in the past, and was expected to do whatever was imposed on me. So, now i fear so much, when there is no discussion and i dont have the confidence to proceed.

Added to that he is still with his Ex. Though he complains always, i have not seen him hurt her, though she keeps hurting him. Either way i cant do anything, unless he decides to come out.

On my part, I also have realised that there is no point in staying separated without legal separation. It just gives chance for me getting hurt in future again.