in a daze... discussed divorce with husband (long)

peartree, you have covered all the aspects of the issue very well, but i want to disagree to the 5th point you have mentioned..about the GC issue..there was another post by OP, which makes people believe that the main intention was GC only..sorry if i am wrong here..
OP, i feel you are naive..and that is being taken advantage of...

 

Rkk1,

Maybe your DH is angry with you regarding his parents visit and so he says he won't make any dishes for you! Maybe once things are fine and you guys come to a compromise he will cook for you! He has never lived with you so you never know. He might have said that out of anger,give it some time and let's see.right now we don't even know whether your husband is using you for GC or he really loves you.its not clear. This could be just a fight,maybe your first one and because of the long distance it's causing some bad heart aches. Give it some time,be calm and positive.give your DH some time and talk to him about his parents coming over.dont worry too much about the cooking,cleaning part right now.lets find out what your husbands true intentions are,do it without hurting him in case he genuinely loves you.be careful with your words and actions. My two cents.

 

Are you referring to the post where she says the husband accepted a gold ring from his brother's bride's family?

 

i am referring to this post
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/170211-laws-accepting-dowry-long-post.html

makes me believe it was all about money..

 

At a stage where you are yourself in debt and your husband not employed, i dont think you need to take extra burden(financially i assume). I have not read your previous threads, but again, the high priority for you/your husband right now is to settle in life(professionally) than cribbing over in laws issues. If you feel emotionally for your husband, give it second chance

But if you think he doesnt understand the priorities of life, have a word with him seriously. Marriage is not just love, it is responsibility as well. And i think you both need to get settled first to take up anything like that.

I dont think this is a big issue that you should consider divorce as an option, but you are not entirely wrong(IMO). Having said that,yeah... ntrospect yourself about your expectations from him. This will be good in long run either way

Good Luck

 

hi,
i have read some posts by you and i can relate to ur problems.
to be frank u are being cheated by a romatic, sweet talking liar. i would definitely suggest u to proceed with divorce with this guy. from ur first post i was not sure about ur story. the moment u wrote that u had just talked over phone and have got a nice picture of this guy and has been pressured to get married etc just points to only one fact, THE GUY WANTS HIMSELF AND HIS PARENTS TO MIGRATE TO USA AT THE PRETENCE OF MARRYING YOU. the fact is just staring at you and i am not sure why u are not able to see this truth, even being a doctor. i too being in that profession can clearly see that lie crystal clear. love is blind, that is what is happening. u have written that ur dh is 95% good, but the fact is the other way around. u r still young and u have been cheated. accept this fact before it engulfs ur life and clear ur head. any guy in india is definitely selfish guy. yet to see someone who will leave his parents and make wife as their prime importance. i am not saying that guys have to leave parents or neglect them. they need to understand wife's wishes as well. in ur case ur dh is definitely not going to change to ur wishes when his ulterior motive is something else. most guys who cook after marriage do so after living with wife after some years only. if u ask them before marriage a normal indian guy would be taken aback and right royally would have rejected that girl. ur dh on the other hand has accepted all ur conditions only for one reason, TO CHEAT U AND MIGRATE TO USA. this is my kind advise and just leave this marriage as soon as possible. NEVER TOO LATE. take care, be bold, u are judge now and if u have already proceeded with divorce, u r on the right track.

 

Hi,
I read your posts.. and the response from others on the same.. To me, i feel you and as well your parents have been cheated by your husband and family. They did this to use you and migrate there.. They might not shows their real face to you.. but their intentions are clear.

Since you have a very supportive family and have age to come.. Being there in a country where staying single is also possible, i suggest you get out of this relationship.. I'm afraid they know n number of ways to convince you further. If you have kid and you feel devastated, life would be even more miserable. Please awake..dont fall for this person again and i doubt he will change and give important to you and your wishes than his parents.. it is just not him .. mostly 95% of indian guys wont.. most of them were real liar , coward, insecure, and never say what they want the most in life.. They live their life as it comes and nothing bothers them.. In this matter, even if you stay with him or leave him.. he wil get his purpose fulfilled.

 

His behavior towards you will depend upon your relationship with his parents.

(you don't allow my parents to stay longer, only khichadi for you).

This is to some extent common in India.

 

Then whats the problem? Like they say, cross the stream when you come to it.

Bring him to US, let him get a job, you complete your studies too and start practicing. First settle down in life comfortably. This alone will take about 3-5 yrs, isn't it? So, in-laws coming is not an immediate danger, is it? Why worry about it now? Even if they come for 6 months after that, the financial burden won't be yours entirely. Understand one thing very well, that you cannot stop them from coming. Stop being naive, keep the worst case scenario in mind, that your husband, once settled well, will try to get them a GC and make them stay in US permanently. But also, stop being a coward, and know that it is a very forlorn possibility. Anything can happen in-between. You will have kids, you may start to appreciate their presence as grandparents. They may not really like US, and will be unwilling to stay themselves. Anything.

And about him cooking and cleaning, that can be managed with little persuasion and sweetness. When you go to college and he is at home, he won't have anything else to do anyway. So he will do the cooking and cleaning. Its not a big deal, really. While you are thinking too much about it, you might as well think this way. Remember, we eat 2 times everyday. That makes it 14 times a week. Are you OK if he cooks lunch and you make dinner? That makes it 7 times a week. Does it uphold his words and your expectations?

And last thing, thankfully, you are in US, not India. Its fairly easy getting a divorce in US. So, give relationship your a chance. See how much water it holds, things can turn surprisingly pleasant once you start to stay together. If it does not work out, you can always go for the last option. But, please, keep it a last option.

 

Forget anyone's assumptions. Its really not important. Everyone is trying to get a gist of the situation based on the info you have provided. you are the only one who really knows your facts. Think long and hard, weigh opinions of parents and other well wishers but ultimately make you own decisions.