Not knowing what to do.Please Help or suggest and sorry for the long mail

lovelybird · Nov 3, 2012

needhelp123 said: ↑

I am divorced and I do know how difficult it is to take this step. My Ex was abusive too but still
I was hoping/wishing and praying that he will change and be a good husband. But it didn't happen.
So I had no other option than divorce to escape from a life in fear and pain!Don't you feel you are in a very much similar situation?
You also know that it is not possible for you two to lead a happy marriage. Your H is abusive and doesn't care
for you. This won't change no matter what YOU do! Don't blame yourself ever for the abuse. An abuser will
always find a reason to make your life hell! And I know in laws can be a big nuisance but your H is accountable for his wrong actions and noone else.
I do understand that a part of you is longing for him. I am sure you two had your good times too. But
if I understand you right atleast 95% of this marriage was nothing than a big drama! These 5% are not enough for an healthy marriage.
And of cause your H put all the blame on you for everything that went wrong BUT you know better!
So plz STOP calling him again and again.Have some self-respect and diginity.Don't run after him when all he does is pushing you away!

You see that being desperate is not helping you at all!

Don't bury yourself in self pity and negative thoughts.
You have to come out of it. It is very important that you get engaged in something. Occupy yourself with things you enjoy.Give tuition, join a course, find a hobby, read books etc. Distract your thoughts from your marriage and that man.
Learn to take care of yourself and stop expecting others (your family or H) to take care of you!
Be thankful for having a family who is supporting you and stand beside you! All they want is that you are happy.But remember it is not easy for them either they may not understand why you take so much time to decide. It is also frustrating for them to see you suffering like this.
Of cause right now all you can see is your pain, disappointments and shattered dreams.It is pure torture and will continue until YOU decide what is best for you. And yes you know all these DOs and DON'Ts but it is not so easy to follow as it sounds.But you are the only one who can help yourself!
I know we all are just suggesting things that you already know.

But one thing I have to add. Correct me if I am wrong but you always write that you 'LIKE' your husband but not 'LOVE'.
Sure I do understand that you can't love such a person but I don't believe marriage without love will work out...And even if you love him he obviously doesn't!

I feel the only reason you wanna be with him is the fact that you are afraid to be a divorcee.
Oh sure, it is not easy. BUT it is 100% better than being stuck in bad marriage!
Click to expand...

Hey thank you so much for your reply and also for your time..

As you said i am suffering with self pity...thats true...i know what i have to do right now but not able to do it..i know i need to find a job ,but i am finding all excuses ,though certain events are also supporting...but i am not able to change this attitude of mine..i feel i dont have determination or self confidence..i mean sometimes i wonder is this me few years back...i mean may be at that time i havent seen any difficulties....

I love my H but it changes upon his reaction...love ll not change right no matter how the other person is....so i used to use the word Like...but sometimes i wonder if i just like him why am i still struggling to get over him and his madness even after so much has happened...or do i really love him...there is a confusion in my mind about like and love...so i prefer writing it that way.....i dont really get any anger on him at any point..i just get disappointed and frustrated with his behaviour....the way he carried himself ,certain principles he follow ,all are the traits that i want in my H,but his behaviour towards me is making it difficult for me....there were good times too but hardly few occasions...like roommates we used to be good but as husband and wife we face problem with each other...there were good times when we both behaved like roommated rather than husband and wife..
More than self pity i am suffering with self guilt...may be i could have done that ,this etc...
There were times where i could have acted smartly and could have put the situation under control..or may be i could have handled my H and mil in an intelligent way rather than going straightforwardly...may be sometimes i feel i was ignorant at that time not knowing any principles of happy marriage...just thought everyone ll be good and i should be good...never thought this stage ll come in my life...nor i would think of divorce..i strongly believe in marriage and whether its good or bad should adjust with my partner...but reality its difficult.....
My parents want me to be happy but seeing me sitting idle .whiling away time with thoughts...they are also frustrated...i know their intention but sometimes i am not able to take their frustration...even i am getting irritated easily these days...there were days when i used to help them a lot but now though i do some work i am feeling like some extra load on me...i feel i am changing for the worse with all that is happening in my life..

but i have decided that i ll search for a job...
i am afraid of being alone in my life,a divorcee tag,and to face the world bravely...same time i dont want to lose my H...i feeel things ll go well if we come back together...may be i can tackle him..i mean such things have happenned before but in reality thats also a difficult task...atleast my H has some feeling to be with me,i would have done so many things for him,but all he knows is just blaming me,nagging,finding faults in whatever i do and say...the one point struggling in my mind is should i be with him or not...can you suggest me is it better to talk to him in person ,sort things out...if even then things ll not work then divorce?...
or should i just ignore him without being in touch with him,find a job and settle my life...i am not knowing what to do...should i try to give another chance to my marriage(such type of incidents also happened previously but we didnt separate ,end of fight,i always used to come down and convince him for another chance but how many times this ll repeat..everytime i take the blame..convince him..accpet as if only my mistake..pleading him to be with me...)...am not knowing whether to convince him sacrificing my own self or do i just let him go...

.may be as u said i am remembering only the 5 percent happiness....and struggling within myself...

rose8282 · Nov 3, 2012

Your husband was forced into marrying you. You have tried your best. Its done. Please stop begging him. Dont think why he doesnt want a marriage. Is 1% interest from his side enough? Its not...you need a committment from someone to live with you,cares for you. Please,please get a job. You said you were working before. It might take you months or a year or 2 years to get into a job...doesnt matter. Atleast in 2 years, you will be independant. You will learn to live and love life. You dont need to be his maid and beg him. Your parents are right that you dont take any decision. Simply sitting and waiting for him will serve no good.He had made it clear he is not ready for marriage. If you want to have a better future, leave him. Divorce will not kill your mental peace....living with someone and dying each minute will kill you. Definitely your life will change. You deserve better. Be confident and dont hide your divorce status. If people ask you say it with a straight face -"Yes, he was not ready for marriage, We parted mutually. So?"
You pity your situation and expect others to pity you. Trust me, you will never be happy with 1% interest with that jerk. Dont ask for "atleast 1% interest". He is a eunuch/hijda for not openly expressing his thoughts that he was not interested for marrying at the time of wedding. Im sure he was not sleepwalking at that time. Dont pay for someone else's mistake. Separate from him and Pay for your own. You will learn from your mistakes. You are scared to take a decision because you cannot find a job. Ofcourse it will be difficult in the beginning. See how beautiful life will be when you work and find new friends.
Good luck.

anjuanju · Nov 4, 2012

[FONT=&quot]Hi Lovebird,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I read your post. Please do not call your H. even if you want to go back and stay with your husband, calling him will make the chances less for him to accept you.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am almost in similar situation as you. Almost everything that you told about your married life applies to me but I could not put in words like you did. I am pretty sure even if you say sorry, may be they may accept you for now but, after some time they do the same. I am telling you all this with my personal experience.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My in laws make an issue for everything even when there is nothing to make an issue. My father used to call for every month or so to my in laws. So next day they make a big issue including my husband that my father asked my in laws that how the crop was this year saying that why did my father asked about the crop and why does he need to know about their crop.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]Other time, my father called my my in laws, he told that he is buying a flat at so and so place. my in laws including my H made it a big an issue saying that we are so proud to buy a flat and all nonsense. They too ask me to say sorry for all these, not just me my whole family has to give apology for these matters. These are just few incidents. Actually there are many more like this.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]I asked my father to stop calling as every time they are fighting with me after my father called them. Same with me when I call my in laws. So gradually I stopped calling them. Even then H fight saying that we are not calling them to not giving proper respect. So one day I called my laws as my husband started fighting with me that we don’t call is parents and sister. So I thought of calling and made a call my father in law. He told me all the rules and nonsense and then I asked him to give a phone to my mother in law to talk to her as well. He told she is in rest room and for some time in kitchen (actually she did not want to talk so he said like this.) when I am ending the call my father in law asked me to tell to my husband to give a call to them.
I said as and when my husband came immediately called and they were scolding me and parents like a hell. I could hear all these. father in law is telling to my H to give divorce to me and saying that divorce is common these day and he can find another good girl. Aslo, he told my H to not stay in US any more. Come back to india and do charity work and also never go to USA and work near to his village. When they were shouting like this and divorce, I was so tensed and as they always ask me and my parents to say sorry, I thought that saying sorry will solve the problems and I said sorry for nothing and they made me to say I will be very obedient and respect full to them. The reason I am telling you this is as nothing changed even after telling sorry. Things became worse.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My in laws including my husband follow one trick, that they does not allow me talk to my family or friends and isolate me from every one. They call my uncles and some other relatives and say all nonsense about me and parents. Just to avoid fights between me and my H , I stopped calling my friends and relative of course I did not stop calling my parents and siblings. later I came to know that they do this because,if I have no one I will just listen to whatever they say . infact because of them I lost all my close friends. So now I will call just two friends .
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Once, My H asked me to call my brother wife. the silly thing here is we did not even fight he talked to his parents and sister for hours, and they as usual talked about me and my parents . he again said divorce used abusive words against me. I am crying when he is scolding for no reason and as he is saying divorce. that time he was so angry and asked me to call my brother wife to say that me and my parents are not good and my in laws are very good people. I feel so stupid now for calling my brother wife and said that I am not a good girl. My husband is saying these sentences to me and I need to repeat to my brother wife. Also he asked me to tell that is parents are too good and not my parents. My brother wife could here both of us because my H sat next to and asking me to say this and this with high tone. She felt so uncomfortable and she is saying that’s okay that’s okay . I will call you later. Then my H asking me to make her listen what I say. So rubbish.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The reason I have explained you all these is saying sorry does not work at all. Again they will do the same .calling him at this point of time and asking him to allow you in to his life also makes the your life still more miserable.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]My H too happily welcome me if I say sorry now for no mistake of mine. They are like, they say something like I did this or I did that, so even though I did not do what they are saying , I have to accept that and have to tell sorry for that. I did few times which did not help me to improve our relation instead they took me for granted and increased the dose. Just like your H ,my H is neither filing for divorce nor trying to patch up appropriately.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will stop here even though there are many incidents like this, as post is already become so lengthy post.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sorry this is very long post.as we both are in same situation, I thought explaining my experience clearly may help you in your decision.[/FONT]

Anju

bindumoon · Nov 4, 2012

anjuanju said: ↑

he was so angry and asked me to call my brother wife to say that me and my parents are not good and my in laws are very good people. I feel so stupid now for calling my brother wife and said that I am not a good girl. My husband is saying these sentences to me and I need to repeat to my brother wife. Also he asked me to tell that is parents are too good and not my parents. My brother wife could here both of us because my H sat next to and asking me to say this and this with high tone. She felt so uncomfortable and she is saying that’s okay that’s okay . I will call you later. Then my H asking me to make her listen what I say. So rubbish.
Click to expand...

not rubbish..it is insane. Your H is insane, a psychopath and you are his captive. Why do you stay with him?
You see nothing gonna change and still you bear all this?! For what?

@lovelybird
I see that you are very confused right now. But certain facts you do understand:
Your H is abusive, doesn't want to change, doesn't love you and want you to be his personal slave! AND these things you are not able to accept and tolerate, right?
So what is the only logical consequence?
Yep..LEAVE HIM for good!

lovelybird · Nov 4, 2012

Hey anju,thanks for your reply and explaining me...
never mind about the long post coz even i am accustomed to write long mails..

i have had similar experience as yours too....whenever my parents used to talk to his parents,they make some fuss about it...there were days when i used to dictate my parents what to talk to his parents...i used to develop anxiety whenever my H or inlaws talk to my parents....whatever my parents say they lll turn it negative....when they stopped calling,then again its an issue,that they are not calling,not giving respect and all...i have to be in touch with my inlaws,his brother and sister...no matter how they are...i mean how such people exist i dont even understand...i was thinking only my inlaws are the only ones with this behaviour but with your comments i understood there are hell a lot people out there with same mentality......
i have said sorry many a number of times...at that time matter used to subside but later on things used to repeat...this is the major thing that i am thinking upon...
also i am not understanding what my husband has in my mind...atleast for him to move on,then also he should divorce me or if thats not the case he should be with me....but he is not doing that even...says he ll file whenever he wants to...
problem is i have to bend down ,kill my self respect if i want to be with my H,but i cant be like that for a long time...so i was hoping to discuss things with him if he changes a bit even....but even that is not happening..so am not knowing whether to go which way..

anjuanju said: ↑

 [FONT=&quot]Hi Lovebird,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I read your post. Please do not call your H. even if you want to go back and stay with your husband, calling him will make the chances less for him to accept you.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am almost in similar situation as you. Almost everything that you told about your married life applies to me but I could not put in words like you did. I am pretty sure even if you say sorry, may be they may accept you for now but, after some time they do the same. I am telling you all this with my personal experience.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My in laws make an issue for everything even when there is nothing to make an issue. My father used to call for every month or so to my in laws. So next day they make a big issue including my husband that my father asked my in laws that how the crop was this year saying that why did my father asked about the crop and why does he need to know about their crop.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]Other time, my father called my my in laws, he told that he is buying a flat at so and so place. my in laws including my H made it a big an issue saying that we are so proud to buy a flat and all nonsense. They too ask me to say sorry for all these, not just me my whole family has to give apology for these matters. These are just few incidents. Actually there are many more like this.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]I asked my father to stop calling as every time they are fighting with me after my father called them. Same with me when I call my in laws. So gradually I stopped calling them. Even then H fight saying that we are not calling them to not giving proper respect. So one day I called my laws as my husband started fighting with me that we don’t call is parents and sister. So I thought of calling and made a call my father in law. He told me all the rules and nonsense and then I asked him to give a phone to my mother in law to talk to her as well. He told she is in rest room and for some time in kitchen (actually she did not want to talk so he said like this.) when I am ending the call my father in law asked me to tell to my husband to give a call to them.
I said as and when my husband came immediately called and they were scolding me and parents like a hell. I could hear all these. father in law is telling to my H to give divorce to me and saying that divorce is common these day and he can find another good girl. Aslo, he told my H to not stay in US any more. Come back to india and do charity work and also never go to USA and work near to his village. When they were shouting like this and divorce, I was so tensed and as they always ask me and my parents to say sorry, I thought that saying sorry will solve the problems and I said sorry for nothing and they made me to say I will be very obedient and respect full to them. The reason I am telling you this is as nothing changed even after telling sorry. Things became worse.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My in laws including my husband follow one trick, that they does not allow me talk to my family or friends and isolate me from every one. They call my uncles and some other relatives and say all nonsense about me and parents. Just to avoid fights between me and my H , I stopped calling my friends and relative of course I did not stop calling my parents and siblings. later I came to know that they do this because,if I have no one I will just listen to whatever they say . infact because of them I lost all my close friends. So now I will call just two friends .
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Once, My H asked me to call my brother wife. the silly thing here is we did not even fight he talked to his parents and sister for hours, and they as usual talked about me and my parents . he again said divorce used abusive words against me. I am crying when he is scolding for no reason and as he is saying divorce. that time he was so angry and asked me to call my brother wife to say that me and my parents are not good and my in laws are very good people. I feel so stupid now for calling my brother wife and said that I am not a good girl. My husband is saying these sentences to me and I need to repeat to my brother wife. Also he asked me to tell that is parents are too good and not my parents. My brother wife could here both of us because my H sat next to and asking me to say this and this with high tone. She felt so uncomfortable and she is saying that’s okay that’s okay . I will call you later. Then my H asking me to make her listen what I say. So rubbish.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The reason I have explained you all these is saying sorry does not work at all. Again they will do the same .calling him at this point of time and asking him to allow you in to his life also makes the your life still more miserable.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]My H too happily welcome me if I say sorry now for no mistake of mine. They are like, they say something like I did this or I did that, so even though I did not do what they are saying , I have to accept that and have to tell sorry for that. I did few times which did not help me to improve our relation instead they took me for granted and increased the dose. Just like your H ,my H is neither filing for divorce nor trying to patch up appropriately.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will stop here even though there are many incidents like this, as post is already become so lengthy post.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sorry this is very long post.as we both are in same situation, I thought explaining my experience clearly may help you in your decision.[/FONT]

Anju
Click to expand...

lovelybird · Nov 7, 2012

Il'ites,

With days passing by i am getting weaker ..i mean my Husband doest want our relation back and i want him back..
after all the hurt he has given,still i want to be with him..but he wants to leave just blaming me for this failure...
I really want him and always did everything to impress him during the days of we being together...but none reached or touched him...he always wanted soemthing more of whatever i do...
sometimes i feel i should have changed as per him,i should have kept aside my self respect ,dignity,interests and all...instead of losing this relation...
I am feeling so helpless...again i have to start a life,get a job..again choosing some one...
i am not knowing whether what all that is happening is for my own good or bad?
I am not able to understand how come my husband hasnt got any feeling for me...he clearly says that he doesnt love me or has got anything for me...i mean why is he not able to see all the time when we were together,why he is seeing only certain things and messing this relation.
I am getting angry on God for making me go through all this,why on earth i have to go through a rough marriage and next divorce...and above all that a husband who is so emotionless that too only with me..
I sincerely has put my efforts in this marriage but lastly whats been written on my fate has to happen...

poojachinoy · Nov 8, 2012

@lovelybird

Hang in there honey..I know very easy to say but difficult to practice.

First thing is move out from that place..look out for a job and separate temporarily..it's the best option for ur mental and physical well being.

Rest all will fall in place after that.

rkk1 · Nov 9, 2012

Imagine if you had a daughter who was in this same situation. Would you tell her to give up her self-respect for this husband who abuses her, or would you tell her to love herself and value herself enough to do the right thing and move on to a better life? Yes, divorce is scary. But our time on earth is short and we should live with courage. Why to blame God? Most people have some struggles in life. Some people don't have food to eat, others have broken bones, and some people have bad marriages. When you saw a poor person, you did not question God... so why to question just because you are the person suffering? But you have full capacity to change your situation, if you simply have the courage to walk away. When you find a better man in future, you will wonder why you wasted the time and emotion hanging on to such a bad person.

needhelp123 · Nov 10, 2012

lovelybird said: ↑

Il'ites,

With days passing by i am getting weaker ..i mean my Husband doest want our relation back and i want him back..
after all the hurt he has given,still i want to be with him..but he wants to leave just blaming me for this failure...
I really want him and always did everything to impress him during the days of we being together...but none reached or touched him...he always wanted soemthing more of whatever i do...
sometimes i feel i should have changed as per him,i should have kept aside my self respect ,dignity,interests and all...instead of losing this relation...
I am feeling so helpless...again i have to start a life,get a job..again choosing some one...
i am not knowing whether what all that is happening is for my own good or bad?
I am not able to understand how come my husband hasnt got any feeling for me...he clearly says that he doesnt love me or has got anything for me...i mean why is he not able to see all the time when we were together,why he is seeing only certain things and messing this relation.
I am getting angry on God for making me go through all this,why on earth i have to go through a rough marriage and next divorce...and above all that a husband who is so emotionless that too only with me..
I sincerely has put my efforts in this marriage but lastly whats been written on my fate has to happen...
Click to expand...

You know you just lie to yourself...
You don't want your husband back. You don't want to live with him. Because you don't want to get abused and treated like a doormat.
You want a peaceful and happy life. And you deserve that! But this man will not allow you to be happy and live in peace.
You want the man you think your H could be. But that man is just the product of your imagination and has nothing to do with reality.
Start accepting the bitter truth dear!

Saumyamom · Nov 16, 2012

Why does your H keep telling you that he will divorce you ?Why does he not do it?
What will you do if he does ?Painful ,yes but don't you think it is time to let him go ,he will come back if he wants to and WONT if he doesnt want to?You can keep blaming your luck ,starts etc but will it ultimately solve your problem .Trust me ,when i say this ,he is not worth it ,this energy of yours need to be channelized elsewhere.we have one life ,till the time we live we got to make the most out of it ..Go for a kill .go look for a job,the next time he bullies you ,dont take it ,if you are 28 now u will be 29 next year we arent getting any younger ,we gotta stand on our own feet and if you do satrt taking steps to revive yourself slowly you will see how the whole nature conspires to help you..Dont wait any longer .Just assume he is as good as gone..if he comes back his good luck