How to handle my DH wierd behaviour :(...need some advise

I agree with hgulla regarding the budget,you guys may visit a financial planner ,and start saving for your son's education account,retirement ,house ,and giving him extra money, may not be big amount,with no questions asked is a good idea too,don't dig the past matters,in any buisness losses and profits are common, in this case trusting the distant relatives,tell him that you are ready to forget the mistakes happened because of his overtrusting,ask him what you guys could do for your better financial future,that way he feels he has control over this issue and he may soften, take care

 

Agree with hgulla. Its more about the msg and doing things with consent. He is upset with you because he might be think you do not like his family enough and that you were ok having a joint account until u were not working but monetary independence now has moved u to make the decision. In some families, even distant relatives (2nd and sometimes 3rd cousins) are very close. Is his family anything like that? Trust me, sooner or later he will understand that your kids need proper education too. Your son is his too.

And at the end of the day - just decide whether you want to make it work or not. It is tough and it needs hard work. No one is denying that. But, it needs to be done anyway. So, just accept that he loves his relatives and he would like you to be his partner. Slowly, re-build the trust. Start by trying to please him and find an occasion when both of you are in relatively pleasant mood. Start by apologizing and tell him u realize u made a mistake and that it gave a wrong msg. Explain the details not in a way to justify but just as if you are presenting the facts for him to make a choice.

It is easier said than done. But try it. Good luck!

 

Actually , I do not agree that the OP should "please" him.Actually OP , it has served as a good oppurtunity to know his other side.How could he send money to his relatives without discussing with you?And calling your brother and parents for complaining is quiet annoying thing.It shows he does not have any respect and value for you.Blunt truth.He is basically not-so-good kinds.And snatching the car away from you is too much.HMmmmm...in the same IL I see men providing Green card even after they know both would be divorced and here you see a man snatching away the car (for which she contributed too) also...

There is a mistake from your end as well.Do not try to make things alright in a day.Go slow.Make him realise your importance and yearn some respect first.

 

Bhuvnidhi,

Everybody have their own way of expressing anger. Some are more graceful than others. I don't know if you can conclude that the way he behaves now, is his other side, I disagree on that. I think he is handling his frustration in an immature way. He was taking care of her well when things were all fine and even when she was not earning, I think that is more important here.

The main problem in any relationship is ego, someone has to let go here. I don't think OP will be stooping low by adjusting, I think basically both need to save this relationship which can go dangerously wrong if this continues on. The unfortunate victim here would their son. The money isn't the problem here anymore as I see it, the problem has turned to trust.

 

Wow..could it be that OP H wrote this and used OP id??????

 

Dear Pallavi,

I think your husband must have posted the long message above just as needhelp123 thought. Really sad that your husband and you are locked in this argument. Assuming your husband is reading this forum, I want to write to him:

Dear Pallavi's husband,

All your points are well taken. Don't you think your wife is concerned about her own decision? She is hurting so much. You need to show some kindness. There is no right or wrong in a husband-wife relationship. Sorry if it offends you and other straight shooters on this forum. Marriage serves us better when we care for each other, particularly when our spouse is hurting. From what you have written, you are upset. Please do not be like that. You are definitely right to be angry. But, you know, we need to treat our spouses as special people. They are the ones that deserve the most understanding.

I have been reading this forum for many years and never wrote anything. I didn't even have an account. When I read Pallavi's post, I couldn't stay quiet. That is why I wrote those messages before. Many years ago I did the very exact mistake. I did not understand why my husband was caring about his parents and extended family so much. Much more than his siblings who were enjoying the family wealth right there in India. It took for me years to understand, money is not everything. My husband felt he must be there in person with his parents and others to help when they were sick or had some serious problems. Because we lived in US, he couldn't be there for them. He felt the only way he can compensate was sending some money to them when they were sick or broken. I know you are doing something similar to that. Your wife will understand that. Please do not be hard on her. There are other people in the forum who are probably angry at my point of view. I am OK with that. Between husband and wife, the general rules do not apply. Very often some of our actions (such as your wife opening a separate account) may seem like a serious mistake. In the long run, it may not be a serious one. Think about it, how does it matter if the money is in your account or her account? A husband and wife must forgive each other. Extramarital affairs and physical abuse are a whole different thing. I am not writing about those. Money is absolutely not worth fighting for when it comes to marital happiness.

So, Mr. Pallavi's husband, as a somewhat older person and Indian, I ask you, you must love Pallavi again without any reservation. The very fact that she posted this message seeking advice tells me she regrets what she did. You found it so easy to get into her IL account. That shows she is not covering her path like a manipulative person would. She is good. She wants to be little extra careful. Isn't that good for your family? So please be kind.

All the best to both of you,
DR

 

DeviRadha said it so beautifully!

Mr Pallavi's husband (if this is really who you are), you do have the right to be angry but if your wife's intension was never evil to begin with, then forgiveness should come from somewhere within you. She meant no harm. Maybe she was trying to protect your money but went too far out? Perhaps she did not realize that when you were the sole breadwinner you could not afford to spend/give money to your relatives that easily but now you are able to cuz situations have changed. Your wife has never seen this point of view of yours and you should tell her why you are giving money to your relatives. Maybe try to explain that during times of need, they came to you and your family's help and it is ur turn to show/care in ways you couldnt earlier. Be more transparent with your wife too. In this entire arguement you were wrong in not being more open with her.. If you had spoken to her prior to sending money she wouldnt have done what she did so far (extreme measures like separating bank accounts). Please dont fight guys hope it will be alright with you guys. God bless!

 

Assumption: a very dangerous word in relationship.

No one likes to be taken for granted. How difficult can it be to just mention, "Dear, so-and-so relative of mine needs some money for this-and-this. I'm sending it to them, because he/she helped me that time when I was in despair about................" Why to assume that she will find it out anyway, that she will be OK/NOT OK with sending? Why to assume that even if she is not OK, she won't do anything about it?

 

Hi Pallavi,

I am a regular viewer of IndusLadies but I never replied to any of the threads before but I could not restrain myself after reading this thread.

When I was a kid, every time I complained about someone my parents (especially my mom) would ask me what did I do first even before listening to what I had to say about others. This had taught me a good lesson, to always question yourself before complaining about others because pointing fingers at others is easy. Try to retrospect about the things that happened between you and your husband first before thinking or saying that your husband is at fault.

If things were fine between you two before you started to work, may be you should answer yourself these questions first.

Did you or your behavior change after you started working? Did you start behaving weird? Are you the same as you were before you started working? May be you feel that you are independent now and do not care about your husband or his feelings anymore.

I have some friends who do not know the exact meaning of being independent and they think that they are independent so they can do whatever they want like leaving their husband and living by themselves i.e. literally screwed up their relationships.

When people say be independent (at least in India), they mean financially be prepared for the worst case scenario but they do not mean have your own bank account or own house.

In marriage, you can not be independent. Both spouse depend on each other for everything. There is no "me" in family, there is always "us" or "we" in family. Do you really think this way?

According to you who all are part of your family? just you, your husband and your son?

Whether you accept it or not, at least in India marriage means marriage between families and not just between two people.

Even if your intentions were right how you express it to others also matter. How did you express it?

If your husband is helping his relatives financially or whatever, it may look weird to you because I am guessing you were never in a joint family before. But for a person like me who come from a joint family it is perfectly alright to help each other within family when in need either financially or morally. After all, that's what family is for right

My husband is also from joint family and he helps his family (which includes his cousins) financially and I am perfectly fine with it. And I am sure he feels the same when my family is in need.

Would you not help your parents, brothers, sisters or cousins (if you have any) when in need?

And you said that he gave some money to some of his relatives when you had joint account without telling it to you. If it was a joint account why wouldn't he tell you? something does not add up. How did you find out and what did you do about it? I mean how did you exactly handle it.

I don't think getting a separate bank account was the solution for it. It would further screw up your relationship as it happened in your case.

What did you do that made he take away the car keys? You need answer us but at least you should answer yourself all these questions before you blame your husband.

When we were kids, I use to fight a lot with my siblings. So if siblings who grow up together in same environment have so many differences and have to adjust so much then you can only imagine marriage is between two people who grew up in different environments how much each have to adjust.

It is a two way street and both wife and husband have to adjust. You cannot say I will not adjust and only he has to adjust. There is a difference between thinking that you are adjusting or compromising and actually do it. So before you think or say that you are the one adjusting or compromising question yourself, am I actually doing it? when you actually do it the other person will automatically acknowledge it.


It all depends on your priorities, whether you want money or family? For some people, money is the priority and they do not care about family but for some people like me family is first. You cannot have everything.

You have to choose what is your priority and act accordingly. People like us on this forum can only advice you but you have to decide what you really want to do in your life. So I wish you good luck on what ever you decide.

One last piece of advice, please do not try to manipulate and always be honest in any relationship.