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Keep me from losing my temper!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by GoodTeacher, Nov 8, 2012.

  1. GoodTeacher

    GoodTeacher New IL'ite

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    OK.. friends, it's been a while.

    ILs (whol IL fam) are always in and out of our lives. Ever since we have had our baby, they rarely call or come around. We visit them once in a while and wait for them to come but they never do! We call and invite them but they have every excuse in the book (FIL is sick, MIL's arm hurts, ILs don't have a ride..but the have cars and drive??, they have to attend a Katha, they don't get time off work..) We even tell them "Don't you want to see your grand baby? He now walks.. he talks some... etc..", but they who no interest. The don't even ask about the baby on the phone!

    AND NOW I'M GETTING PISSED AND JEALOUS because they have LOTS of time for their other kids and grandkids. I feel so bad for my child! he has not done anything wrong! And my DH is weak.. he sort of takes up for us and sometimes lies to his parents etc... I hate when people lie. My entire IL family lies a lot about everything! Their job situations, health, anything and everything. On top of it my MIL is vicious lady. She loves to cause drama, plays games, cries, lies, hiding things, telling relatives not to speak to us and other intentional things.

    I have not done anything wrong to these people! I have asked and they have no real answers! I have never been rude. I am always the one that makes efforts for the sake of my DH and DS! In my career and life goals I'm always very strong and successful, but when it comes to DH's family, I feel like a complete loser! Every time I have to interact with them I feel disturbed and have to meditate to keep myself calm. This is getting hard for me.. to keep peace.

    They are giving me excuses and drama about attending my child's birthday! And my motherly juices and going nuts. I can't handle all this negativity. And my husband doesn't solve anything - he just gets mad at them here and there or lies to stay out of drama.

    Ladies please help me. I'm constantly fueled with anger inside and I'm afraid that I might just tell everyone off and lose my temper. And DH is just not solving or dealing with this stuff but throws me under the bus!
     
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  2. veeramachaneni

    veeramachaneni Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Op, They want you to feel this way and you are responding the way they expected. 1st all though they are grand parents if they don't have any interest in knowing / seeing their grand son then there is nothing much you can do to to change it. It is sad that they are acting that way.

    Just stay calm and happy and stop worrying about IL's. If I were you I wouldn't ask them that many times if they are not interested. I wouldn't even feel bad for something that is not in my hands.

    Plan for the LO's birthday and ignore them and have fun. That will do the trick. Invite your parents for the Birthday.
     
  3. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

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    Chillout! Ask them once. If they give excuses, its not your fault. Don't worry much about it. And please don't let them affect you......
     
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  4. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    OMG !...I would trade this situation with you anyday!

    My suggestion is keep calling them and inviting them..they will definitely never come...if they never come(this thing happening from their end),it's like an icing on the cake.because they will feel superior than you by succeeding in hurting you.

    If you stop calling them,they will feel left out and will get insecure about you enjoying life with husband and baby and start coming over and then ta daaaa, the drama begins.

    Lady,enjoy the peace in your house..why do you want to invite trouble at your own expense?!!

    You are going over their place,that should be enough of a bonding for your son with grand parents..you cannot for e someone to give love.

    Plan the birthday and have a blast! :)
     
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Goodteacher,

    You are miserable and upset because your mind is constantly pointing out the negatives of their decision. Make a list of the positives you had or have because of their decision, the other posters have already given you some points on this. Keep repeating or rereading the positives to yourself. Try to relish those positives. Slowly you will feel better.

    Tell your h only once --I was fighting to bring them because of you. You deserve to have them see your child. Now I have given up and left it. What can anyone do? After telling him this, dont think on this issue anymore or bring it up.

    You mentioned that you already do meditation to calm down. Next time you sit for that tell yourself addressing whichever divinity you prefer " Dear God, although I am unable to see it now I know all is unfolding according to some plan you have for me. Help me to accept this situation even though right now I dont fully understand why all this is happening in this way. Give me the endurance to leave it be." repeat like this whenever you feel you are remembering and getting upset about their behaviour.

    You cannot change them. They are who they are. You have tried also but not much effect except fights and arguments. So leave it. Accept they are this way (you did not say why they are like this). Be happy in yourself, in your family, in your life and in the remaining things under your control.
     
  6. GoodTeacher

    GoodTeacher New IL'ite

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    They are this way because my MIL wanted dowry and my parents did not give one. Because DH told my parents no. Ever since wedding, my MIL hates me and talks poison to everyone about me.

    And MIL and Co-sister and SIL always gang up on me ever since I've been married. They talk down, exclude me from all family events/gatherings, lie to ILs telling them they call me etc all the time but they do not. Nobody on my IL speaks to us (not even relatives). Now with my son, I feel like he won't know his father's family at all. That's why I make these efforts. But it's eating me up and making me feel terrible!
     
  7. rohinipadi

    rohinipadi Silver IL'ite

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    So you have 2 options
    1)If you want them to accept you as a family get Dowry from your parents and make them happy so they can accept you.
    2)Be happy with what relationships you have in your life and count your blessings.


    your 1 year old will be fine without all the negative energy which comes from bad relationships.
     
  8. apaasn

    apaasn Gold IL'ite

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  9. rohinipadi

    rohinipadi Silver IL'ite

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  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Goodteacher,

    To that prayer add: 'Thank you, God, for giving me such a good husband who has the sense to and is willing to stand up to his parents for me'. :)

    You are better off without them. What an MIL! She is throwing away a lot for the sake of her ego and some dowry! It is her loss only that she is missing your child's firsts. You can pray to God to make her realize if you want. You know, she is doing you a favor by staying away. So accept her favor and enjoy your life!

    I also feel sorry for her other grand kids. Because, such people are never happy, no matter where they are. There also she must be comparing one child against another, and creating problems in those families. You just dont know because you or your h are cut off from what is going on.

    Somehow I feel your perception of what is going on with MIL or within that family (idealized, fueled by your own fears and insecurities) and the actual reality of what is really going on over there are two very different things. Your own mind is scaring you. So come out of it.
     

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