Not knowing what to do.Please Help or suggest and sorry for the long mail

Hi Il'ites,

The change in me recently was i am trying to get a job and lost a bit weight and trying to be positive...
But there is one constant issue running through my mind ie my husband...i mean constantly i think about him...the days when we were together...analysing if i am wrong anywhere and all...i mean from thinking all of these things and also the bad experiences i had with him...i am not getting any angry with him..i mean i dont know am i really missing him or am i used to him....
from past few weeks equation in my family also changed,i mean my parents ,brother and all they are getting angry on me for small and small things even....sometimes i feel they r not able to bear me for 10 months how can they be with me for rest of my life...i realised that marriage changes everything and i have to struggle my life on my own...I know their only concern is i m not deciding anything and not moving on...its valid but i am worried if they can take care of me if in case i divorce my husband,if in bad case i dont get married ...can i stay with them...this is a new stress to me these days,sometimes i feel its better to be with husband no matter how he is...with that view if i talk to him...he continuously blames me, nags all issues..and makes me feel like a foolish lady still thinking about him....he is almost prepared for divorce and not at all interested in me...
i dont know now my father's thinking also changed...i dont know if my situation is making me think negative or does things really change so much...
I know they are stressed out about me ,they are getting stresses because i am not able to decide my issue even after so many months...but i am not able to take a decision...the moment i feel my H wont be there with me after divorce,i dont feel like deciding about it...the other moment if i feel about him and wanted to talk to him,he hurts me so much and says i am desperate since i am left with no other option...his words irk me so much that at some point even i lose patience and the conversation is ending up in another argument...
This phase of my life is getting really difficult for me....i am not knowing how to handle this stress ,though how much posiitve i think...issues are coming in such a way that am losing my mental peace...
hmm...
I want to go back to my husband if he is also interested and atleast has got a sense of realisation that he has hurted me...but thats not at all happening...same time i dont know how ll my life be...i have seen some far relatives whose life has left them nothing when they decided to stay single after divorce....i am worried if i have to go through such phase....I am feeling like i need someone to support me completely or be my mental support...though my parents are supportive ,their worry for me is making me weak....
I am thinking of talking to him for couple of times and decide on my issue without prolonging anymore...but i dont know whether he ll agree to talk to me or not...Being a girl do i need to do help in the house all the time...if i am with my brother i need to help him...if i am with my mother i need to help her...i mean as some responsible family member i need to do some help but somehow when i am asked to do household work i am not able to do them heartfully...i am getting angry in return ...i dont kow i am struggling a lot in between right and wrong....if i ask them(my parents) back they say they want me to change for better and thats the reason they are telling me things to change in me....and i should take in right way....for simple things things are getting messier...sometimes they get angry on me ,sometimes i get...
suggest me something Il'ites...am i thinking in a correct way...do i lack maturity..

 

i look good and intelligent ...but not smart...i cant act or communicate smartly ...i dont have courage to separate...i dont like to get the tag of divorce as i have seen some of my relatives going through lonely life...ofcourse their situation is different but somewhere inbuilt i have fear that i may end up having a life like them...thats the reason i am not able to divorce .....also reason is i like him and he doesnt..i mean though he doesnt like me its kind of okay but he imagines things that i havent done...thinks negatively ,speaks very harshly....i mean he is no way emotionally connected to me...this pinches me a lot....everytime i feel he should have changed atleast a percent but i end up disappointed...i mean one argument happens...he forgets what he has done ,what pain he has given to me...but always ends up blaming me for what i have done...sometimes i feel i should become strong and let him go...but i feel he is acting foolish and why should i too act like him....no matter if i put 100 percent in the relation if the other person is completely negative about the relation,i mean i alone cant do anything....i feel like going to him when he isnt there with me...the moment i start living with him...again i regret or feel bad or curses my destiny for having him....i mean i might have made some mistakes too but those are not divorce prone...he ll accept me if i behave like some age old wives...bowing their head to whatever husband and mil says....should not involve in any issues...my only work is to cook clean the house..in case if he is in good mood ,he ll do something for me and i should always wait for such days ..i mean i cant be like that...same time i dont want to lose him from my life...i mean if i think that i ll have to leave him forever after divorce...i am not able to digest the fact even.....
i am fed up with people around me and their suggestions....i realised change should come from within...i know whats wrong and whats right still i am not able to move on...i should take some decision whether it turns right or wrong but i am not doing it...no prayers of mine are being answered by God...

 

How to come out of my situation...i am feeling so miserable with life...marriage has completely changed and ruined my life....though my parents are supportive their situation is not that good...i dont think they can see me in this position for long...if at all i think of my husband...i feel like going back to him...but the moment i talk to him...he ll show me hell through his words.I am just wondering are all husbands so heartless...? dont they think about wives feelings at any point of time..I mean My H is a big time egoist and i dont think i can make him realize atleast in a small aspect...now i feel atleast its better to be with some womaniser than to be with an egoist...The wrods he uses for me...the way he talk to me...everything hurts so much...but i don know why i am not able to get anger on him...i just cry and be on my own...thats it ...sometimes i feel why i am acting so powerless and as if everything is lost in my life...why am i taking all his nonsense...do i need to suffer just because i have hurted his ego..Only initially before my mil's interference my life was good that too for a few weeks or month...thats it...as long as she entered into scene,changed my husband's thinkiing about me...i dont understand what do they get by doing this..anyhow they should be happy that they got a son who cares for them,they should be content with it right..why do they interfere in every aspect of their son's marriage and ruin everything...i feel so bad whenever i think about them...though i want to be with him i still have doubts how ll my H and inlaws be with me after so much that has happened..when things are good then only they have n number of issues with whatever i do..now things are so wrse and if at all we reconcile,how ll they be with me...
I am also ready to face this if at all my H has some feeling for me somewhere,but no he doesnt have it...that is what is pinching me more..i mean after some courtship how is it possible that he can be so indifferent to me..i have tried so many things to impress him..everytime i used to feel like its my duty to make this marriage going..
i have said many a times he has hurted me by his words or behaviour...he neither understands it nor feels bad about it..same time God is also not helping me at this crucial time...i am feeling like i have wasted 10 months for him,he doesnt deserve the love i have and the pain i feel..i hate him same time i like him ..i should go on say you are right always,which is practically not possible for me,i cant be without letting out my thought or feelings.
I am not kowing where my life is going,i am feeling so helpless about my situation..for things to settle ,do i need to lose my self respect,accept as if the relation has failed because of me,i have done this many a times before,if i say that i am wrong,he ll continuously nag me on it whenever he gets a chance,if i dont accept then he points out me,abuses me ,says my ego is not allowing me to accept my mistakes..

I am feeling so helpless with my thoughts,my parents situation is not good these days,i clearly understood that no one can help me in this journey of mine and i have to struggle on my own and parents just are there to support,but seeing their condition,its making me even more weaker in taking a decision,i lost my confidence and somehow worried about my present and future..basically not knowing what to do and how to resolve my issue.
I havent really done anything to go through all this,even in my marriage.

 

Thanks for the reply...
i dont want to lose my H...i stilll like him and i dont think i can be with anyone in future also...but there are n number of problems between us...Though i like him and want to be with him,he makes it difficult for me..always i am at the receiving end no matter what happens ..he doesnt even realise that he has hurted me,i like him but same time i like myself too and i cannot supress myself just to be with him...some point even i ll react and things ll worsen again...this is the problem...i need to be like age old bahu and wife ...typical serial type bahu...which i am not..though i am ready to please everyone in his family,serve and help them...i cannot be as if there is no myself...he expects a lot,continuously complains and i am not able to reach them ,this is the problem i face with him...keeping all this aside,the major problem is his temper and he doesnt have any emotional feeling for me..no matter some argument happens in future he ll again threaten to leave or ll leave...he is not at all interested to be with me...all these things are making me weak to think about divorce,life after divorce etc...or else as per my own principles i am completely against divorce and believe in life long relations,but my husband doesnt believe in such things,so problem is with his thinking too...i am just praying atleast one percent he should change but with months passing by he is turning out worse with his negative thinking...
also i have to deal health issues of my parents and sidely i have to get a job,i mean with all these things going on i am not able to concentrate and think properly...
i know i am giving many excuses ,but i am feeling so hopeless...anyways i ll try to get a job ...i can get a job ,but somehow my mind is so reluctant in trying it..