My sad life...I need your help to sail through

eandian · Sep 17, 2012

You are holding on the the past as a defense mechanism because letting your guard down means you might get your heart broken again.

parvathi1980 · Sep 17, 2012

You have been through a lot. I can understand the pain you are going through. Try and make a conscious effort not to think about them. Let your husband talk, you keep yourself busy with other stuff. They are anyway not worth your time.

Neha2903 · Sep 17, 2012

rose8282 said: ↑

Why is it so important for you, to have your inlaws call and speak with you? Why should you bother if they ask your hubby about you or not??? Give your husband some space to speak with his parents. Dont lurk around and see what they talk. Just accept that they are his parents and they mean NOTHING to you. After he finishes his call, he is loving to you. I think your husband is sensible.
My suggestion is just enjoy this phase. Just the two of you. No baby and no inlaws. The baby will happen when it should. Plus stress is the main deterrant to having kids. It is also said that a stressful mother affects the health (physical and mental) of baby. Do you really want a kid? Or do you want to hang to the past and give importance to those who damn care if you live or not?
You are complicating a simple situation. Just smile, and support your husband. He is supporting you...doesnt he deserve some support from you?
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Rose, thanks for your frank reply. I really appreciate it.

As you said, I used to ignore his calls for sometime. Then i realised that my husband's ear was being poisoned against me. He doesn't take all this seriously and fight with me instantly. But you know, I can see that it has struck a chord somewhere. He thinks there is something wrong and it stays. I dont feel good. Okay, they dont like me, they dont want to talk to me. Why do they want to spoil my relation with my hubby and why do they want to isolate me? They seem to be forming a team against me.

I have already mentioned in my post, they have once harassed me so much, the wounds are still there.

What everyone is saying here is a solution for the moment. Just be happy, ignore them, concentrate on my loving DH and have a good life. But what about the long term solution.

I am a person who gives a lot of importance to family values. For me, when I have kids I want them to have cousins and family they can call their own. Which I doubt my kids will have. That's the reason for this post.

Yes, I really want a kid and no, I dont want to hang to past and give importance to them. But in the long term, I want to solve this problem and handle it in a better way. I dont want to make my hubby suffer in between me and his family.

Neha2903 · Sep 17, 2012

radhikaamj said: ↑

Dear Neha,

Every one almost in South side have problem regarding their inlaws. so the point is how you are dealing that problem. you are educated n working . you have to know how to tackle a situation. dont hurt yourself or ur emotion it ll become a health issue. so try to concentrate in both u n ur dh issues. if you have faith in god go to temple do some poojas routinely. yoga ll help you. see neha there are so much more dangerous inlaws.
i thing your inlaws are having something in their mind. they have expected something from your side may be money or support. if you can talk to ur dh what is the problem actually u had with me in past then you can easily find a solution.
there is one more good solution if you feel ur inlaws r too dangerous just forget everything n lead your life happily with your dh. pray god to bless you with a child that is the best solution to you. dont think past and find solution for the past problems. be present. u cant make anything that had happened. so let it pass away.
i am telling you from my personal experience. so pls dont bother for worthless things.

I ll pray for your happiness.All the best.
Jai sai ram.

Radhika
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Thank you Radhika, I hope my prayers for a child are answered soon and I become a mother. Maybe I am expecting too much from my in-laws and I should really move on the way you people have suggested.

bhucat · Sep 17, 2012

Hai Negha dear, pls do not spoil your wonderful life. Your importance in life is your husband, if husband loves their relations (Mom, bro) let him, pls do not stop...if you continue to do, it will affect your relationship, pls have it in your mind.
There is a proverb that, "even if a woman is devil, her son loves her because she is his mom"

So pls do not complain anything to your husband. Makes him feel happy when he is with you. If they ignore, avoid you, just ignore and go to a take it easy mind immediately, It will affect your health dear. Now your importance and focus will be your husband and your future baby, All the best dear !! Do not worry, everyone crossed these stages and there could even more worst situation for some people.

Neha2903 · Sep 17, 2012

Dear Sundari and anjananathan, thank you for taking your time to reply.

I did not fight with my hubby because my cosis or inlaws were bad to me. I used to come home and share these things with him and he used to get angry with me and would not believe me or empathise with me. This used to lead to fights.

Maybe there is a slight truth to what you say. I created my own problems. I should have let go at the beginning itself.

Neha2903 · Sep 17, 2012

My problem is I have been through a lot because of them. I have gone to the edge many times.

Now my hubby is with me, our relation has improved and we love eachother. By the grace of God, my married life is now on the right track. But they put me out of the equation while they talk to him. So, when we go back, it will still be the same, right? My DH doesn't seem to feel the need to keep them away or even to show them that I mean something to him and they should not treat me like that.

So, they think what they are doing is right. What is the solution ?

Yes, I am trying to protect myself so I do not get hurt again. I am trying to build a defense mechanism. I want my DH and my married life to be good. I have gone through a lot to be here today. I do not want to let it all go, ever. If they talk to DH, they have to understand that me and DH are a couple and we cannot be seperated.

What should I do? How do I deal with this? There are lot of things that have happened in the past and I could not write everything here.
But I hope my present situation is clear from what I have written here.

falgunid18 · Sep 17, 2012

I know the best is to ignore them and move on. But let me tell you it is not that simple. We will be back to India as we are here only for a short time. Then again this drama starts. I know that we will have to maintain a relation with IL's because my DH wants it at all costs. He will not breakfree from them as you have said . never!
He knows all the nasty things my MIl has said to me, but still he doesn't want to accept it. I can understand he cannot, as a poster here said, a son cannot accept that his mom is bad. Ok, but when we go back there will be functions to which I will not be invited. and I will openly seperated. And my DH cannot talk and complain to them. He will become a hen-pecked husband or he will not get a share in the property (which is his main concern!)
So, there I am , the scapegoat who has to take this ****.
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Neha dear.. I am glad you felt good after reading my post. Let me share you my story. It may/may not give you strength and deep insight to think other ways. To cut the long story sort -- mine is luv mrg, both cant live w/o each other... everything happy... after 3 yrs of mrg, mil came to stay for 5 mnths... ruined everything...Dh didnt talk to me properly for 7-8 mnths and then he left me and moved out to diff city. My mil brainwashed him so much he was about to divorce me, but by God's grace and Il's advice we are back... but now I have no more same feelings for him and I am ready to divorce him anytime my bubble bursts.

why am I sharing this with you -- coz my DH speaks to his mom DAILY TWICE on call... and all that time I have the thought of what she must be feeding him now, about seperation, divorce or her visit to US again. She is anyways dying to come to US by emtionaly blackmailing him, so that she can ruin my life agian and enjoy all the luxuries of being a MIL by treating me like a doormat. every second that thought comes to my mind, I become furious, scared, confused, upset, sad and what not...

But then I think that is the FUTURE, who knows whats gonna happen then. by thinking of that deadly future, I cannot spoil my PRESENT. Yes my H is a momma's boy, but do I care... NO. Let him be. Some ppl will never change. But Atleast apart from that 1 hr on call, the remaining 23 hrs he is with me now. Why should I spoil my relation with him because of a 3rd person (yes.. my mil is a 3rd person to me now). When my MIl comes I have it all this time to win over her -- courage, wisdom, maturity, support bla bla bla... I am sorry if I went wrong track by venting indirectly... but was just frustated myself...

Anyway....Sweety you have a baby in you, if you want to think of your Future, then think it with your baby and not about the morons who will be ready to abuse you even over a dead body. I understand that you do not want to go thru all trauma again and hence in a protective mode, but JMO -- think of all this when you and your DH have a date to go back India... who knows your DH's mind changes and he postpone's the India trip.

Your Dh loves you very much and it shows in your posts. In India he will run behind his momma coz property is his main concern.... take this as positive (not for propoerty, but for the emotional attachement he has developed with you over his mom). Infact after the baby, I guess your DH will bond with you more than ever (TOUCHWOOD).. so who knows whats the future is going to be. May be after a coupl eof months you will be able to convince your DH to live here in US and not go back Dont think about any negative outcomes now, just enjoy what you have now and if you feel frustrated... just come here and vent.

TC

Falguni

MaritalBliss · Sep 18, 2012

After reading your post, I felt that the way your DH handled the issues was totally wrong. He actually went to tell them that u complained! And furthermore, when they were scolding u, he stood there doing nothing. I read a lot of stories here where the DH does not support the wife, hence the in laws think they have the upper hand. All this can be avoided only if DH is strong enough to speak up. The inheritance thing may be an issue as to why he doesn't want to antagonise his parents...

Well, past is past...for now, don't think abt your in laws. No matter what they did, yr DH will have a reln with them...u can't change that. Just be diplomatic with them, and talk of superficial things only..dun let them have this importance over u..that u have to feel sad when they ignore u. As for mil brainwashing yr DH, let's hope yr DH is sensible enough now not to be influenced by them.

We need to learn how to let go of people who make us feel bad..it's just not good for our mental health. Only be with people who give u positive vibes.

trivvi · Sep 18, 2012

Hi Neha,

Yeah...In the south this is very common...Most of the guys get good marks and get good jobs..but they are not mature enough to handle themselves or speak strongly about things they feel like or support wives in front of their mom..If the problem is they cannot antagonize their mom, how do they expect us to be still when their parents do that...We have also been brought up by our parents as they have been brought up...but well this is never the thought train unfortunately... but as we are educated and working, it would be better to let go of things...and let your in laws also know that we are not taking things seriously..but letting go of things which we deen unnecessary or of third person(yes..your in laws and the things they say are unnecessary)..but be smat enough not to reveal this to your husband..Let your in laws also know that you have started the same trick..they will either continue for which you have a solution already or they would remain quiet which is a highly favourable situation..So just be strong, cool, smart..everything will be fine..