headless stubborn Wife

Hi Manyamanya,

I sympathize with your situation. It is very selfish on your wife's part to starve during pregnancy. I would suggest that you complain about this to her OB/GYN on her next visit. During pregnancy it is better to avoid any kind of arguments because negative thoughts will directly affect the baby. Probably she will listen better if her doc tells her. Your MIL's comments are very hurtful. At the same time I feel a girl definitely needs her mother during delivery. After delivery women have to cope with a lot more changes due to breastfeeding, sleepless nights, hormones zapping down etc. In order to avoid all unpleasantness why not send your wife to India for delivery. This is a good option in my opinion. I hope this helps.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

Kavya

I totally understand your point of view. However my suggestion is not guided by my inexperience. I have my own sister who had gone through all this all by herself. So I just dont buy this harmone deal a lot. I mean person should be reasonable enough than doing irrational things like not eating food and using it as a ground to negotiate. I dont sympathise with such immature adults. I personally feel they dont deserve to mother a baby, if they dont know how to carry it nicely.

And as far as going through pregnancy goes, I am myself part of it. And I know such irrationalities will not be tolerated in my own case. So lets not put all the crap behaviour under carpet of harmone changes. I have plenty of friends here in US who have managed everything themselves with help of nanny. I personally dont think that s so useless option. If need be even I would take that option for myself too.

Its all about smooth life and making mature choices than crippling through inexplicable harmonal storms.
Ria

 

hello Ria,

Probably your sister has not gone through hormonal upheavals. Not everybody has an identical experience. In any case it is easier to speak based on somebody else's experience. I am speaking based on my own experience. I have seen how hormones can change a person's personality completely. So please don't talk without having first hand experience in something as serious as this. Neither are you qualified medically nor do you personally have direct experience. For those of your friends who did have to hire nannies ask them if they would have preferred to have their families or hire nannies. I do also have a couple of friends who had to manage without their families. They ended up ruining their health very badly. So hold your horses Ria. I will hear your opinion again after you deliver your baby.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

Hi Manyamanya,

What I gather from your posts that you are newly married and are having major differences with your wife. Also that your wife is 7 months pregnant right now.

In any marriage, the first few months are the toughest...it is easy to go wrong and tough to adjust to another person living together 24X 7.

My honest opinion is that both of you are equally stubborn and strong minded. And sound very much alike in a way...one day she doesn't eat and threatens..the next day you don't eat and threaten her...where will all this emotional wrangling end??

Caring for your unborn child should be the top most priority for both of you...but both of you seem to be so much in your own trip (he doesn't listen to me, she doesn't obey me, he talks rudely to my sis, she talks rudely to my mom, her parents don't talk to my parents etc etc)...that you are forgetting that your marriage is not made up of your relatives..it consists of the TWO of you. Not your mom & dad and not her mom & dad & sister.

Your child is suffering because BOTH of you are behaving in an immature fashion. Was this an unplanned baby or is your wife fearful of her delivery?

Anyways, my feeling is that BOTH of you are listening way too much to your side of the relatives...what does it matter whether her mom does not talk to your mom. Is that the end of the world? Is it enough to get angry at your wife and hence cause distress to your unborn child?? And about your wife - at the first sign of trouble in her marriage, she calls her sister to intervene..which anybody can tell you will cause more trouble...

About the negativity that you mentioned in your wife...don't you think even you are thinking in that way? You are so disappointed that your wife is not very intelligent..that you even keep telling her about it. You even told her about your missed proposal from a gold medalist girl...talk about adding oil to fire....if you want to have a happy married life in future...QUIT talking about old proposals/girls you liked etc. It is not light hearted when it hurts one of you.

I would also request you to scale down your expectations from your wife. She seems pretty stubborn and hot tempered and you expect her to obey your every command. Marriage is a partnership...not a boss-employee relationship. She will become more amenable to listening to you when you also start listening to her and give her some importance also. You yourself said that you don't involve her in any decision and keep all finances also away from her...not a very smart thing to do if you want to build trust in a marriage.

You say that she gives more importance to her parents than to you. Are you not doing the exact same thing that you are accusing her of?? You are also very close to your family...is that a bad thing??

So think about everything once again...loving someone does not mean that they should obey your every word. It is to love them and accept them as they are.

If you think that your wife has been spoilt by her parents, don't keep saying that to her all the time...it is not going to win any brownie points for you and all it will create is ill will...If she doesn't want to talk to your parents, leave it...don't make such a small issue into a big deal...

Relationships take time to build and nurture...because you had an arranged marriage, it will take more time for you two to understand each other and build trust and love...so give it some time...

As Kavya said, harmones can play havoc with a woman's body. A usually calm and peaceful woman can become extremely irritable and hot tempered because of fluctuations in one's body. Add to that Nausea (some women suffer very badly), mood swings, discomfort while walking, sitting and sleeping, swollen feet, itching, bloatedness, having constant fights with husband and you have a whole box of reasons why you need to back down a bit right now in the fight that is going on between you and your wife.

It is not a question or who is right or wrong. It is also not a question of whether your being more agreeable towards your wife now will be construed as weakness forever.

It is at most a question of providing your wife with a peaceful environment at home right now. Which is EXTREMELY important for the sake of the baby.

Avoid fights. Avoid arguments. If she gets angry, tell yourself that it is her harmones and ignore her comment. Or go out of the room till she calms down. Don't get into a slanging match with her.

It is only when we are strong that we have the courage to be soft.

And lastly, at the time of delivery, it should be upto the woman to decide who she wants there. It is the woman's comfort and need that should be a priority. If she wants her mom, then get her mom. With all due respect, since you are not the one pregnant, then listen to those of us who have recently gone through it. It is one of the most rewarding as well as stressful times you can have ever think of.

And anyways it is only for a few months...if somebody were to cut and dice you up, wouldn't you want your mom to take care of you?? for a few days at least??

So for now, forgive her temper tantrums and demands. Be supportive and loving...don't discuss either her in-laws or your in-laws too much...talk about just the 2 of you and your baby...go with her to the doc appts...since it is the last trimester, go for some birth classes together...maybe she is frightened as this is her first...more info will make her feel better for the coming event...you will also bond more with her when you understand medically what her body is going through and will go through...

Hope this helps and the two of you get back your marriage on track...

take care,
Aarushi

 

manyamanya,

Usually I stop replying to posts in the married section for a simple reason because there are people like ria,ss and Aarushi who do a great job.
in this case also they have given a lot of postive steps/approach which is up to you to decide.

your wife may be stubborn..agreed.but to say she is headless, I think it shows your immaturity and understanding of marriage. marriage as such is a equal partnership and give and take. come on yaar, only if you give respect to your wife, will others give respect. she may have 101 faults but your going on saying she is stubborn and headless, shows how stubborn you are in your belief that she is stubborn.

you say that a baby would change her or the situation. I strongly believe, that a baby is to strengthen a already existing bond, not to change a situation..looks like you are thinking of the baby with all the wrong reason..both of you..

Your wife is pregnant, and she needs a little pampering, I think she is entitled to it..she may also be having a expectations list...you are trying to compare your dream of an wife with the wife you have....I think coming down to reality is the first step towards successful relationship.

your wife and you need to sit and talk without your ego's and your mentioning relatives and find out what each wants about the other...likes/dislikes...it is your marriage...and your life...

 

Hi Ria, arushi, Shanyv, Kavaaya and veryone who replied:hatsoff

I read the problem of Manya, re-read and re-read, but I couldn't understand completely,as may he has used to many shortcuts.

I was trying to understand his problem and you people have analysed it and given apt reply.

You deserve to be patted for this

Best wishes
Ansh

 

hello dear manya,
it really hurts me to read about u. though i am a woman but i do understand your condition. your wife seems so immature. but what to say marriage is a gamble. sorry to say but i think u should have waited for the baby seeing your wife nature. but god has diffrent plans. i know it will be so difficult for u to be with her, but can u forget everything for a moment and just think about the baby which is going to come . i am so worried about the baby's health. u know your wife tantrums will affect your babies brain. just talk to your wife. tell her if she does not take care just now she will cry whole life.one of my friends have abnormal child and i have seen both of them suffer. u both have to think about the baby. please have patience. may be with the baby u both will have new starting. let her do what she wants to do. just do it for a healthy baby. i know it will be tough for u but just till delivery than u can have your way. pamper her give her gifts etc. marriage is an adjustment . both of u talk and come to a conclusion. hope to hear something good from yourside.

 

Hi IL ladies and manyamanya,

After reading your post I feel extremely sorry for you. I don't agree with some of the ILs to this problem being hormones. I basically think your wife is stubborn by nature and being pregnant is a add on to the situation. I think you can manage the whole pregnancy on your own. It is not difficult at all . I have done both of mine by myself. The only problem i see is that, your wife needs to be mature enough to put the baby before hereself and eat healthy food at right times. Reading your email seems like she is irresponsible and so if you have to manage the whole pregnancy without your MIL you need to sacrifice your dislikes about her and be patient until the baby is born. If anything happens GOD forbid due to no help she might get back to you as your fault for all the worng happenings. So be careful try to be patient until the baby is born and than later if she is not able to take care of the baby call your parents. But if you and your MIL don't get along it is not a good timing to bring MIL here. May cause unneccessary tensions and you will not be able to celebrate and welcome the new arrival to your family. Bottom line is you are married to a stubborn person and some stubborn people can be melted with lots and lots of love. Take care and GOD BLESS!