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How do you feel when you get to know when your inlaws behind your back?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ilovelife, Aug 20, 2012.

  1. ilovelife

    ilovelife Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Friends..

    From morning i am depressed..even though i do not want to think a lot about the questions on why should i accept this nonsense , is there an end to the problem? is it ever gona change?...and so on.. its coming to my mind again and again..

    Just to give a quick background i have taken care of my inlaws when they were facing health problems and have took care of them more than a daughter or a nurse.. doing anything and everything without hesitation...

    while they are quite normal in front of me... i heard from my maid that they were talking about me that i shouldnt stay at my parents have more than a day and that i am planning one week stay at my parents house during my brothers wedding which they are not happy....

    when i got married their son(my husband) my SIL had come to parents(my inlaws) for 1 month.. so the rules are diffrent for daughters and DILs..

    they are behaving as though i have wrriten and agreement with them that i will not go to parents house for even a day.. from the time my MIL is ill , even though we have a caretaker at home i shouldnt visit more than half day to my parents in a week...

    i felt really bad with such behaviour.. i feel they are sooo selfish and i need to live with such people day in and day out :( what is this fate...is it ever gona change.. i dont get respect to them when i hear such things.. how to i behave with them?

    Please help me to handle this better..:drowning
     
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  2. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Your target is to go for a week...focus only on that....if you leave with a fight that whole week will be used to drive a wedge.
     
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  3. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Well don't think much and go to ur parents as u have made ur plans. don't discuss this issue with DH or maid to avoid conflicts and politics. U really don't know if ur maid is telling truth or is creating stories.
    If any issue is raised tell ur DH that ur SIL stayed for a month and it was fine then u are going to ur place for a week as u r missing ur parents and want to have sometime but seeing ur family commitment(with ILs) u are reducing ur visit (you can play with words for this).
     
  4. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

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    :rantWhy do they all have different rules for their DD and DIL? Almost everyone is like that. No one understands, no one supports. Even the maids of the house have a laugh at our expense, they are treated better than a DIL. :evil:
     
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  5. veeramachaneni

    veeramachaneni Platinum IL'ite

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    Some times Maids lie and try to get close to one person (who ever is the week and who believes them Blindly) don't let that happen to you. You are not 100% sure that they are mad. If they are mad they will let you know right.

    Until then don't pester on this issue. Plan for 10days and be happy. It is party time :) Congrats on your Brothers wedding :)
     
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  6. nadiashahmalik

    nadiashahmalik New IL'ite

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    I'm sorry you are going through this difficult situation. It sounds like your in-laws became used to you taking care of them constantly. You set up this pattern and it's difficult for them to probably see that you deserve and have a right to a life outside of your husband and his family.

    I would also agree that the maid may not be telling the truth. If you do want to approach your in-laws, be cautious. Gently explain to your in-laws that you value your relationship with them and your concerned that they are angry with you.
    Communication is really important. A Lack of communication is what Desis often have relationship problems.

    If you'd like to explore other opinions, check out South Asian In-Laws
     
  7. ilovelife

    ilovelife Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear friends

    thanks for your replies. couldnt reply, was stuck in office work.. every day i am geting to know a lot of things form the Maid , infact i am sure they are true because this lady is new to our house and she doesnt know a lot of things which has happend in past but now when she has heard about them and telling me , i know they are talking behind..

    i am really getting depressed below are some of the things they are talking about me

    - i am not concentrating on house hold chores and always busy with work and they want me to quit the job.. they are not happy with my helping my parents with some money every month.. and while i spend a lot for here also.. its not that they take regularly.. so they think even if i quit the job it doesnt make lot of diffrence and they want me to become a full time house wife..

    - i always work from home.. i wanted to go to office some days as my manager wanted to meet me face to face.. so immediately after i infromed them, behind they are speaking that i tell i am going to office but i will got to My parents house..

    - once i had forgot to give a tablet whcih i was supposed to give once in a week , so they are talking behind that.. i am least bothered and for name sake i give tablets and i dont bother aobut her health..

    ( i am full time managing house, work and not personal time for me and this lady(MIL) who is always taking rest, cant she remind me to give tablets, she has a great memory and keeps boosting always that she never forgets small things, you ask me anything i will give you details Etc is wat she says alwys)

    - i am not washing utensils after maid washes it once and when MIL was doing it she always used to keep it washed , she is say itseems that Let God only see all this..


    these are some of the things they have spoke in front of maid, not sure what all they would speak when no one is hearing..

    you being virtual friends belive whatever i would say,, but i am saying form my heart.. i have taken care of her like a baby when she was fully bed ridden like giving bath, feeding food, cleaning her S**T etc.. :(

    and in all this process i really did everything with clear heart thinking i am doing it for my own mother..


    i am really hurt badly.. can people become soo selfish.. until now i dont expect anything from them, not even from my husband.. financially i can manage my needs.. and personally even though i feel lack of care from my husband i feel, as long as he is responsible and give the respect to me as wife and be there for me its fine.. i dont crib a lot about it..

    but this is really hurtful for me..
     
  8. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    How is their behaviour in front of you?? like if you tel them you are visiting your parents how do they react? is it a simple nod or a bleek ok? do they ask further questions when r u coming or what are u going for etc? That will explain a lot about what they actually feel about u. I would suggest dont take the maid's words for granted coz there are fair chances she might be adding spices to what was actually said. Maids tend to do this....for whatever reasons....

    For you going to your parents for brother's wedding, take out topic & start by saying that as you know it was how much work at the time of your wedding, similarly there are tons of things for which your parents will need you, but since they (ILs )are not keeping too well you plan to go only 1week before..........whatever you say....straight or sugar coated.....make yourself clear that you will go 1 week prior. PERIOD.
     
  9. ilovelife

    ilovelife Bronze IL'ite

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    HI DG creative,

    when ever i got to moms place, they ask when i am coming back for sure.. but they dont ask for what i am going..generally because i only go a half day a week or sometimes i dont go at all..

    recently i had been for couple of days because my parents were shifting the house and i wanted to help them. for that they had problems and speaking behind saying " who will do work here, if she goes like this. always mothers house, she could have gone only one day etc etc"

    but on the other hand when my SIL was here in the city she used to for sure come twice in a week without fail.. and now that they are no in India.. whenever she comes it will be months togeather plan, like 2 months here. i dont mind she can come anytime.but that is ok for her not to stay in her inlaws house when she visits India as she feels unconfortable with them..

    If i compare with my husband he will immediately say, i shouldnt be comparing as her life is diffrent i dont know much about that ( he never tells what what i dont know)

    its soo suffocating to live with people who act like rivals and be normal.. life before marriage was really nice..

    i dont understand the purpose of my life now.. i dont know my way forword when i know i need to live with such people...
     

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