Sehne se behatar kahungi sakhi... (Better than bearing it is to speak, my friend)

I have seen that episode and I couldn't hold back my tears I tell you. The song is very inspiring yet sad but life is like that, and we can do nothing about it.

 

I think the reason most women do not fight back is because we have been brought up to keep quiet in order to maintain "family honour, husband's respect" etc. So they suffer in silence to ensure that no dirty linen is brought out in public - this has to be done at the cost of their own dignity, peace and happiness.

 

Being a victim of domestic violence myself I know why it took me a long time to get out. It's not because I was asked to bear with it, I actually did not know and understand the true form of domestic violence. Any form of pushing, shoving, intimidating, yelling, saying bad words, using derogatory terms is Domestic Violence.
Moreover I did not understand the cycle of violence. I felt ashamed, humiliated and did not know how to react. When the incident cooled down my ex would cry, plead, fall at my feet, buy expensive gifts and repent like there is no tomorrow. I did not know that he will repeat it again in a different form. I did not know how manipulative he was and how naive I was.
The violence escalated to hitting, throwing things. Whenever I left him, he would follow me and apologize. He would find friends and family and repent to them. He would cry and stop eating till I talked to him again. But then I figured it out and that was the day I became free.
I felt embarrassed to talk about it to my friends and parents , hence suffered a lot.
I broke free when I found the global hotline for abuse and talked to counselors. I also used to be in denial.
DV exists and it can be curbed when we teach our daughters and friends are told that they should not tolerate even a single incident.
There should be public service message about it.

 

Hi Foundlove,

It is good you eventually reached out and found help. Am really glad you got out of an abusive marriage.

Exactly. But the trend till now has been to tell daughters to "adjust", "compromise" etc. Talking of domestic problems would be termed "washing one's dirty linen in public" making the person feel ashamed of their willingness to talk openly. A girl who complained about her in-laws to friends or relatives would be told that she was damaging the family reputation (both ILs as well as her parents'). These are the things that need to be changed.

 

Dear Satchi,
You are right that some DV victims are asked to keep mum for the sake of society.
I came from a family where my parents brought me up with equality and gave me all freedom and opportunities available. I was allowed to choose my spouse, no question. When the DV started immediately after marriage (I knew the guy for 4 yrs) I was in shock.
I did not understand what to do. Moreover just like date rape victims I felt it was my fault and felt ashamed of myself. I never once told my parents and when I did , they asked me " why we're u taking all this BS" . My answer was I don't know. I thought it will get better. I thought DV was only poor,uneducated families. I did not understand emotional abuse either.
I read a book about it at a local library and also saw a movie.

DV is real and exists in many forms. We have to make our sisters aware of it.
FL

 

Hi FL, am glad your parents did not think you should face the consequences of finding your own husband. You were lucky to have a sensible family. There are families where the girl would be told "You made your bed, not sleep on it". Such girls have no moral support from anywhere and are left to suffer.

You are right about DV. "Education/Qualifications" have failed miserably in getting women a better deal in a lot of cases. We all think of "such things" happening only to others - something that one reads about in newspapers or sees on telly. It is hard for us to even grasp and understand that it is happening to us as well. This forum is testimony to the fact that no matter how educated, women are still extremely vulnerable to ill treatment and harassment.

This is something we surely need to understand.