How much is enough? How much is too much?

monita · Jul 29, 2012

Let's get some facts first-
- All parents/Ils must be looked after.
- The looking after for a male's parents doesn't start at 70(or when they are too old or ill), it starts at 50.
- Little part of staying together with ILs is actually looking after.
- When ILs live with you, they automatically incur the right to interfere in everything you do and no one can stop them.

The stay in DILs commonly complain about household work that they don't get any help from their MILs, the working dils also have to cook for them before they go to work and after they come back. The MILs comment on everything from the dil's appearance, her food intake, her career, her parents, her housekeeping skills, her ability to look after her kids and so on. Ils compare her to every Tom, Dick or Harry. The Ils force the DIL to perform religious rites against her wishes. They gossip about the DIL behind her back. The ILs may or may not look after their grand kids, it's entirely their wish, but they always have the right to enjoy their company. And let's face it- no one can stop them. The dil is usually advised that they are old so they should not be having to do anything and to ignore their comments, because in the end the son and DIL have to live with them no matter what. Things are even worse for NRI live in DILs, as in addition to everything mentioned above, they also have to keep the ILs entertained at all times, taking them along to every outing. Even a single outing without ILs raises many eyebrows.
The expectations from a live in DIL are never ending. The dils are not only expected to cook and serve to their ILs, they are also expected to pamper them with their favourite foods. People keenly watch how a dil treats her MIL. I have read on this forum that a (NRI) lady cried for a week when she saw an MIL being served by a maid and not by her dil at a party.
Needless to say, the DIL loses all her freedom, individuality and most important of all- her soul. The life becomes a joyless exercise of spending one day after another.

Coming to NRI dils- many dils complain that their DH spends too much money on the ILs. I know men who have bought houses, cars for their parents and brothers, sponsor their holidays, help nieces and nephews in their careers. I know a woman who recently divorced her DH after nearly 25 years of marriage, when she found out that her DH has been lying to her about her salary and sending $8000 to his parents every month. This same woman also told me that it's easier to live with ILs than away from them. NRI dils also complain that they don't get enough time to spend with their parents when they visit India, as they also have to stay with ILs. They also complain about their ILs bad behaviour when the Ils visit them for 3-6 months. Another common complain is that DH spends as much as 1 hr. talking to his parents every day and ILs micromanaging their lives.

Somehow, the NRI ladies just do not give a damn about how life can be for a live in DIL, they think it's no big deal. On the other hand the stay in DILs think that NRI dils are enjoying their lives without ILs with no responsibility and think it's no big deal if they spend so much on them.

Keeping both the scenarios in mind, what do you think is enough and what do you think is too much?

Disclaimer- Not all ILs are bad and not all dils are good. This is only for dils who fit into the given descriptions.

bubai · Jul 29, 2012

Hi Monita,

I am not sure about others but for you, I can only say that you seem to be exhausted and really tired of taking care of your MIL. You are being forced to take care of your MIL and you are not liking it. You need to do something about this or else you will build up lot of resentments for your husband. Please weigh your options and do something about it.

All the best!

--Bubai

monita · Jul 29, 2012

Hi Bubai,
Thanks. However, this post is not just about me. The two kind of scenarios I have described exist in many households and the expectations from the DILs is not only from the ILs but also from fellow DILs. Most dils including me cannot do anything to help their situation because they are crushed under pressure from everyone around her and yes, that includes the dils who don't belong to the same scenario. There are very few people who sympathize with her.
BTW, since you know about my life, do you have any suggestions for me?
I think I am handling my life quite well with whatever limited options I have.
I just want to know what the dils think how much a dil should be doing for her ILs in terms to sacrificing her self, how much time should she spend with them, how much money should NRIs spend on ILs.
Most of the time we hear vague statement that we have to look after ILs and so on, I think it's time that we give a definition to this idea as to what is enough and what is too much.

bubai · Jul 29, 2012

Hi Monita,

Yes, I know that your MIL stays with you and your husband is the only son. Here are few things I can suggest:

(1) Tell your SILs to share the responsibility too. Your MIL can split her time among her three children. Where is it written that only the son will take care of the parents?

(2) Put her in a different house close to your place.

(3)Get her a small and new house in India for her and make sure her life is comfortable.

I remember you telling that she is in her 50s....Why do people think that they are old at 50? Why can't they take care of themselves. I understand when they are old, they need help but at 50, they should be able to take care of themselves pretty well. If your MIL lives until she is 80-90, then you have a long way to go and by that time, you will be full of resentments.

I think your husband and your MIL have to find a middle ground here.

Take care. All the best!

P.S.- OK, to answer your question, how much is enough, the simple answer is if you are always tired taking care of your in-laws that you don't have a life of your own, then it is exploitation, not help. There is a limit for everything and different people can take different amount of workloads. You can't compare it because it is like comparing oranges to apples. But if the DIL feels she is drained physically and emotionally dealing with her in-laws, then the set-up needs to be changed.

For example, I have no problem if my in-laws stay with me. It is even OK if they don't help me but I will surely NOT like it if they talk behind my back, if they expect me to cook three times a day, if my MIL expects that I will press her feet every night before going to bed. Expectations have no limit. We should do things within our limits. Helping old parents financially is also OK, but if there is no saving for their kids' education, no money in the emergency fund, then that needs to be changed.

bubai · Jul 29, 2012

Also, don't worry about what other people talk/comment. They are not in your situation and they can not judge you, Period!

eandian · Jul 29, 2012

Excellent thread and response.....

chandy939 · Jul 29, 2012

I absolutely loved your post.

Fortunately for me,I experienced my mil's true colors to a large extent immediately after my engagement.Despite her behaviour DH and I stood committed to our relation (arranged marriage). This made me mentally prepared for life post marriage which turned out to be worse than my engagement days.

Coming to your subject:
How much is enough? How much is too much?
From my experience we should give some situations some time to digest and then decide the boundary lines and stick on to them...Come What May.

Issues with m-i-l were
Career
Domestic work
Physical Appearance

How did I Handle them?
The common factor in all these situations was I stood for myself with almost no support from DH.
Career-I took a risk,worked for a lower salary and now she is proud of me what I have achieved by God's grace but too egoistic to accept it.I have told her on her face directly that she has not been a working woman and not even qualified enough to judge a person in my field.After almost 10 months of arguing on this DH asked her to stay away.
Domestic Work:If she enjoyed doing household work...good for her.I got her married to be a spouse for her son...not their maid servant.With 3 sources of incomes at home and long working hours for DH and me we could afford to hire a maid.
Physical Appearance:Oh God of beauty thy name MiL probably had the ugliest looking girl as her d-i-l.Stuck in between DH who hated me for poking my eyes while wearing contacts and m-i-l who would ask me to go inside my room when guests came home because I wore specs...I decided to step out of the room wearing my Specs.Yes! I did see angry expressions but just gave a smile She gave up.

Issues with FiL
Finance:I trusted my fil on finance matters until I realised he was exploiting DH's "haan ji" for everything nature.PiLs lied a lot about their financial status to DH and me stating they were completely dependent on us.Feeling sorry for their helplessness we gave them almost complete independence in decision making of building the house for which we will probably spend a huge chunk of our life paying off the loan.It was only after all the house was built we realised they had lots of money and most of it was given to DS2.

It was at this point "Too much of what we had done" had to be categorized as 'Enough of what we have done"

eandian · Jul 29, 2012

No matter how much we give up our-

love

money,

time,

health,

peace,

happiness,

privacy,

relationship with parents and friends,

Self esteem

they are going to ask for more.

We resent them more because we give them more than we give anyone else.

Inlaws need not be treated with any more special attention than any other person in our life like parents, husband, children.

We dont have to prove to our husband or anyone that we are good DILs....but most of us put ourselves under pressure purely because we do not want to make dh sad.

GodIsOne · Jul 29, 2012

Anything at the cost of your peace of mind is too much. One cannot set a physical limit to it as each individual's situation is different.

NRI and Non NRI stuff is not valid in most cases. VONAGE and SKYPE is a common enemy now. In-laws almost live in with you. I know a friend who is forced to keep her skype on during the morning hours so that her MIL could see what is hapenning LIVE. My friend is a SAHM and her MIL is right by her side asking her to cut the potatoes a little smaller for this dish as it might not cook well. ahhhh....This ruins my friend's peace of mind and I feel it is a little too much...

eandian · Jul 29, 2012

GodIsOne said: ↑

Anything at the cost of your peace of mind is too much. One cannot set a physical limit to it as each individual's situation is different.

NRI and Non NRI stuff is not valid in most cases. VONAGE and SKYPE is a common enemy now. In-laws almost live in with you. I know a friend who is forced to keep her skype on during the morning hours so that her MIL could see what is hapenning LIVE. My friend is a SAHM and her MIL is right by her side asking her to cut the potatoes a little smaller for this dish as it might not cook well. ahhhh....This ruins my friend's peace of mind and I feel it is a little too much...
Click to expand...

Your friend better stop this asap before she goes into depression.

She might as well accidentally drop the laptop on the floor and break it...... A little payback for the stupidity her husband is putting her through.....you know she cannot be blamed....after all her hands had a little oil and when she turned the laptop to give MIL a better view, it slipped out of her hand and broke.....ooops.

You know...breaking things is therapeutic.... ;-)