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Question for all you mature ladies , please guide me !!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mohini16, Jul 14, 2012.

  1. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Just move on this is not your guy. He lieing about the marriage !!! if he was married 2010 he just got divorced...

    And incase you are considering also, i feel yes its ok to contact his ex and find out. Even if she hides all her side mistakes, you will generally know what kind of person he or his family are and make your judgement.
     
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  2. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    To me lying about the marriage and breakup is a big red flag.There is no need to contact his EX also.There might be a better person waiting for you and again it depends on you if you need only this guy since he has attracted you being a successful entrepreneur .But marriage will not work out based on that alone.
     
  3. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    DONT MARRY HIM!...you have been independant for quite a long time and his expectations towards you to adjust in his family wont be compatible for you..for that matter even girls living in india or anywhere else dont want to live with inlaws for lack of privacy and adjustment...the EX part comes in later when you are satisfied by the basics of marriage...so just stop this alliance here...better to find some one in canada itself or someone who is willing to relocate to canada.
     
  4. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone for your valuable suggestions , but one question keep hitting my head , why everyone is saying "Since he lied about his marriage and breakup year (2009 rather than 2010) , why is it big red flag?"

    I was thinking may be he is saying this because he wants to give me impression that breakup was long ago and he has come out of it" . what do you think ?

    BTW i didnt mention all the things in my post , during conversation while he was telling me about his past , he mentioned several reasons including his sis fighting with his ex as his sis was also staying with them at that time , his ex used to suspect him for having affair with one of his female business partner (I have seen her pic with him on FB) , his ex complained about not taking her for honeymoon , his ex complained about not spending time with her , his parents didnt like the way she dressed at home , his ex's parents also came home and complained about why he is not spending time with her ? he said she accused me of everything except "I am gay"

    what all this means ? i wonder why girl would want to break her own marriage unless there is something big or she was just too picky ? i am just afraid about "not spending time " thing and his parents will stay with him. i can stay in india as long as i am getting lovable and caring spouse.

    God , is it too tough ? i was so happy in canada when i was not being worried about my age and marriage but now i am worried and want to have married life but it has become a question mark for me.
     
  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Mohini, the worry is: why did he need to lie to you at all? He could have said "although I have been divorced fairly recently, I am now over with that and am ready to have a go at life with a fresh mind". Never mind, that is still not so important as other points here.

    • Sis fights with wife.
    • Parents not happy with wife.
    • Parents want to tell wife how to dress.
    • Affair with business partner ?????
    • Not enough time for wife.
    Are all these not worrisome enough? Could you live with these? If you still feel that they are not insurmountable or are open to discussion, go ahead, talk these points over with him.
     
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  6. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    You are better single than getting into a troublesome life.

    Red flag bcas he wants to state something false just to show that he is got out of his ex thoughts or divorce issue. If he got married in 2010, then 2 months (???) so 1 year time to seek divorce .. i.e. 2011 he got divorced and its just an year or not even an year all these got over.

    2 months of marrieage and what all happened its so unreal......

    We might be completely wrong, she would be not adjusting types... but dont get into this.
     
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  7. GMReddy

    GMReddy Silver IL'ite

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    dear op,

    have few one to one meetings with the person and see how well you gel with him... do not much bother about his problems with his ex and what his ex says about him...these are all happenings at a particular time and situation and depends on the person how well the person handles them...

    only important thing you need to take care is, whether the person is compatible with you and whether the families can be compatible...to know this have one to one interactions with the person and also involve families from both sides so that it will be much help to sort out compatibility issues...

    best of luck...
     
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  8. Loner

    Loner Senior IL'ite

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    I would avoid liars.

    It means he cannot accept himself. If someone cant accept himself they cant accept others.
     
  9. queenie29

    queenie29 Silver IL'ite

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    In my opinion, lieing about his Ex and/or his past relation is a big red flag; and there are lot of other stuff you mentioned like fights btwn his sis and ex; joint family, etc... i really dont feel its a match that fits for you.
    And not to mention, you yourself have so many doubts already and you have your lifestyle,etc,,, so think in all these terms.

    Being successful in career is one thing; and settling with a proper spouse is another.
     
  10. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I would advocate a direct approach.
    (1) Identify your deal-breakers.
    (2) Ask him about his.
    (3) See if there is common ground.

    Frame your concerns plainly but diplomatically, in a way that reflects your core beliefs and personality. Say something like: "I cannot abide lies in a relationship. I trusted someone once and got burned. I have put a lot of effort into overcoming that setback and now it's important to me to stay true to who I am. I hope you can understand why I am asking you about ....... xyz. If we cannot talk plainly about the most important decision in our lives, then there is no foundation for a marriage ...." and so on.

    The way he frames his deal-breakers, addresses yours and your questions about his lies (or 'misstatements' as politicians tend to put it!), will tell you as much about him as what he says. Is he defensive, impatient, casual, dismissive, deliberate, thoughtful, open, considerate, capable of compromise?

    I do agree with the posters above that:
    (1) Business success is not a sufficient foundation for marriage, even though, to seek security is the most natural thing for a woman (just as men-seek beauty and a 0.7 waist-hip ratio!). Even female birds can be very demanding!
    See: David Attenborough - Animal behaviour of the Australian bowerbird - BBC wildlife - YouTube
    (2)The saas-bahu issue, joint-family politics, not "spending time'' with his wife etc. may be red flags.

    In advocating a direct conversation, especially about his misstatements, I am simply trying to encourage you to avoid mind-reading. If you feel it's necessary, you could try the direct approach with the ex-wife as well - the same logic applies.

    Take responsibility for both the way you approach difficult decisions in life as much as the decisions themselves.

    Good Luck, don't hurry into anything. You are still young, obviously resilient and successful to boot. Stay true to the best in you!
     
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