Husband giving too much money to parents...am i over reacting?

Hi Sagarika,

I am also in the same boat like you. It is really frustrating at times. My DH is also the same. Whatever the need in his family he is the spender just cuz we live in US..I am also working, and I save whatever money i get and he spend all his salary to his family. And if there is a need in our family, he takes money from my account. easy aah?

As somebody mentioned buy a property here in US or in INdia. That will somewhat solve the problem.

I also have a lazy ass BIL good for nothing:bonk...He dont do any job and sit home idle eventhough he has an MBA. Even my husband found a job for him abroad but he came back to India saying that , the job is too hard for him. Now my DH family is looking a bride for him. Can you beleive it?

So I would say dont give any money to BIL..Ask him to find a job and support the family. And also giving your ATM cards to your FIL is not at all a good idea. And also ask your husband to include you in teh financial decisions.

 

Hi

As everyone pointed out you cannot stop or even comment on DH's sending money home....whether it is less or more who are we to judge? As a son it's his sole responsibility to take care of his parents as yours too...in case any such situation arises.......fine, coming to the point....why don't you think of opening a new account exclusively on your name and start saving some money withdrawing from your salary account.......? I know it wil be difficult initially...you need to really sit and budget it out unnecesary (if anything you feel so), or unwanted or could be avoided expenditures.....and try to save atleast 5-10% to start with.....give yourself six months period to review yourself how you were able to manage? I'm sure you would've done a fanatastic job by that time and would've easily saved some money...keep this as a small time goal...and work on it.....and see for yourself....you wil be really amazed to know that YOU CAN STILL MANAGE THE HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES FROM YOUR SALARY AND SAVE IT TOO......and will feel certainly feel encouraged to save more and BUDGET well....even if your hubby comes to know you may say that it was spent for Household expenses (in case if you want this to keep it under wraps for some time....don't feel bad about it ultimatley your intention is good....and for the future betterment of the family.....) . Who knows you may have a salary rise or even promotion....or may even get a god offer in future which will ultimately lead into more saving if you sincerely follow practice......

Remember the child hood song.....? "Little drops of water.... little grains of sand.... make A MIGHTY OCEAN and the BETTER LAND........!!""

Best of Luck Happy Saving......!!!!!

 

Hi,,

such situtation, u need to think wise and act wise,if u sit and talk with hubby he is not gonna listen u fully,whenever u ask regarding money matters to husaband he will angry and too much arguments will come .everyday if it happens it will spoil life.u need urpeaceful family life also. so plan with ur money.day by day so u have to plan with money, u need to put it fd, insurence, gold, holiay etc.i mean shoulnot keep it simply in ur account all money to widraw whenever he wants. tell him tht u are saving money for the kids future etc.in a polite and lovely and nice way. u indirectly convey that u have plans with salery of him and urs in coming months.slowly take over finance of yours and husband. coz u are the mom.first 6 months smewht uneasyness and pressure cme from in ln-laws for money. ofcourse u allote certain amount for ur in laws also.but u dont need to satisfy all there wants at the same time. whenever u talk abt in laws to your hubby talk only good things.make feel him tht he is more secure with u than his parents.coz, ther is tendency for men, tht when they away from his parents, they will keep more emotion to them in their minds.this oppertunity ppl will use it nicely in the form of money.so u also wisely behave and take over finance for your futurelife. argument is not a solution always.slowly but stedily u can keep control over everythg.but little bit patience required.but success will cme for u... wht u say??

 

I feel for you. It can really pinch when you work so hard to have a better future and you don't see that happening because all the money takes the exit route - that is to the in-laws. One of my known friends husband did the same thing. He transferred all his money for 12 years, this includes before marriage salary as well. Using that money, his father built a big bunglow. Later bought two shops. Unfortunately, he passed away last year. Mother also had passed away few years back. Now the only person left in that house is his brother who lives with his family. Since the younger son is not in India, he can only ask for his share but the elder brother is unable to give because he is staying in the house. The younger brother cannot ask his elder brother to stay on rent.
This was just to enlighten you of how things can get in future. Believe me, when it comes to money, people now a days do not pay regard to relationships! I don't say don't send money to family but there is a limit. And the limit in your case has already crossed. You have to start investing elsewhere so that you are hardly left with money in your account, that way your husband will see that he needs money too for the future of his own family. Ways of investing can be many. Invest in property, in child education plans, SIPs, pensions schemes etc. Do try to discuss these with your husband but my experience says that he will only stop when he himself will realise it. I have seen wives creating issues on this and then the husband starts hiding it from his wife and sending money without her knowledge. That can be dangerous. Be careful to maintain harmony with him, at the same time, convey your thoughts. Good luck!

 

Have you discussed about opening a joint account exclusively for savings with your DH. What's his response?

 

I share what I do, may or may not work for you.

when my husband was emptying my account, I told him if he doesn't stop doing that I am going to change password, and changed my account password. Strictly no access to my account. And, I contribute 50% of household expenditure whatever it is. I don't know what he does with his salary (he doesn't like to share his financial details with me), but he used to keep on asking me for my expenditure details. and finally used to comment he is the only person who is saving , and I am just there spending (BTW, I am not a spendthrift, he is a kind of person, who doesn't spend from his account for the necessities, takes from my account, and boasts that he is saving). I need to take his permission to get pair of clothes or whatever needed for me. But there was a limit for me to ask him for everything, so told him that I can't bear all these without he sharing his spending details wiht me. He didn't do that. So I started to note down expenditure that is exclusively for running house and kid's expenses, and told that would be shared 50% . Over a period of time, I understood the trend of household expenditure, and I told him to transfer so much money to joint account. I give him expenses list if he want to have a glance at it. But he don't have any right to ask me what do I do with rest of my money. I tell him about the rest of money only when he has plans for any investment for us and that too only that investment is in our name or I feel secure about that.

 

Ahh...kiranavvari

Love how you handled it. KUDOS!!!

 

You are not doing anything wrong. You are right to be concern. His parents (and that includes many Indian Parents sadly) are money suckers, they treat your husband like a cash cow and they don't respect you because they don't ask your opinion. It is your money too, you both contribute and the money suppose to be spend for your kids, you and your family. When your husband says he gives them money because they don't have any well.... they shouldn't have all the wants and demands, its not like they don't have food on the table or roof over their heads. You were more then patients, they are like leeches, all they worry is the position in their community and they don't care about running your future to the ground. Shame on them! They are worse then IRS.... they are like mafia all they do is take. They have the great skill of making your husband feel guilty because they gave him life, now he has to pay the debt! Well guess what all you Indian Parents out there who use their kids financially....the kids didn't ask to be born, so stop treating them like slaves!
It is very difficult situation. I would advise you to put as much money away as you can to the account on your name only and under any circumstance don't give anybody access to your account! You need to protect yourself and your kids that is the duty of you as a parents and that's suppose to be the priority of your husband too!

 

Take half your salary and put it in a cd. Put the CD in the name of you and your kids. Open CD for longest time possible, 5yrs or more than 1 year. When it matures, roll it over immediately. Next time he needs money and comes to your acct, tell him you are earning the money and you have a right to save it in the name of your kids. One of you has to, it has been five years and no savings. There will an explosion but you will have to be firm and weather it. Make a spreadsheet with your and his total earnings from 5 years and now your bank balance. Make it a point to tell that what he did before marriage you are not even considering that but do include that money or at least a rough estimate.
You have to get it into his thick head that in US, there is no life is forever, anything can happen to either of you, what about family and kids in that case. Then slowly start expressing how relieved you feel at least one CD is there, comparing with others who have been here for 5 years and already bought a house, with some others who have investment and so on. All the time be very upset oh we have no savings, second kid is coming, what about their education, what about house. Then drag him to a financial planner (your company Hr will have some ppl who do free consultation for employees) and make them explain to you both. Use the suggestions given to lock up all your salary tight and suggest his salary for house expenses and sending to parents.

Op, pull out all the stops to get this done, cry, tantrum, make him promise on kid's heads, whatever, you really need to get him on board with this.

 

Hi sagarika41,

I can understand your frustration.You are absolutely NOT overreacting.You clearly explain to your DH that just like how you feel it's your duty to help your parents with money, as parents we both must also realize our duty and save money for our kids...since the kids are in US, their college expenses have to be taken care of from now itself as education is costly.And we cannot depend on the next generation to take care of us like how we support our parents and hence in order to be independent we need to have retirement account,health care account,pension funds,health insurance and we need to save all that from both our salaries....so you give whatever possible to your parents but this is our monthly budget and we should save X amount to secure ours and kids future.So let me atleast save my part of salary and you give whatever money possible from your account ! Then you withdraw money from your account as soon as salary is credited or keep the card with yourself! If he asks for your card for monthly expenses,you tell him, since you are taking care of your parents needs, I'll help you by planning for our future and use this amount for our welfare ! Sometimes men need to politely told about our plans in detail or else they will not get the big picture !