how Working changes relationship with DH/inlaws

hi jhalli,

Talk to you DH on this.. stop responding to the indirect reactions of mil.. Offer her to join your outings and plan a day out with her and plan for an outing for yourself the next weekend.

May be she feels that your DH is not taking her out and offers you for it simple human mentality. It would increase your outings iam sure.. but then i am sure your mil would not have a reason to have a long face when you guys go out. she cannot complain about it anymore.


All the Best!

 

Well, this is what happens when you have your in-laws and parents in the house taking care of the kids....you don't get freedom.

I still don't understand why some people use parents as baby-sitters. Parents have done their job and though they love their grandchildren, they really don't want to take more responsibilities. That's fair I think. They are old and do get tired soon and expecting them to take care of your daughter when you guys go out and have fun is not right (esp. when they do it 8-9 hours every single day).

Hire a nanny or send your daughter to a daycare. At the same time I also think that taking some time off from work and spending with the spouse is a very nice way of bonding with each other It is a must for a healthy husband-wife relationship. So don't stop that....but get some help for your daughter....

 

OP: You want to have the cake, eat it, and when you are done complain about the taste. Have you offered to take your mil out with you guys anywhere ? Did she refuse when you do that?

Not to movies necessarily but certainly to places where one can go for a family outings. Plan such outings in advance, take your mil's opinion while planning. You can alternate between such combo outings and your personal outings with your dh. When you have to go for a movie alone with dh, try to inform mil in advance. Don't throw your plan on her suddenly but do it diplomatically. When you return from the movie, see if you can get some sweets or anything for the mil.

Don't complain to your h about mil. You are breaking fences there instead of mending. And count your blessings where your dd is getting the unconditional love of her grandparents (and also the extended family I hope?), in this age where babies are usually kept away from immediate family due to feuds between mil-dil and are either dumped in impersonal daycares or with some useless ayas.

 

I certainly agree with Buk buk on this.....you have a wonderful MIL AND FIL who takes care of your baby when you're away ....and you couldn't do your job peacefully at office if you don't have her here could you? I don't know whether you realise how difficult it would be in her age to take care of a 2/12 year old.....? Has she ever complained to you in taking care of your DD? Infact most of the grandparents wouild love to do...I appreciate the fact that you want to spend time with DH alone......but for that to happen consistently (You expressed your wish for going out every week) atleast you need to be patient for atleast your DD turns 3...then she would not trouble her grandma much and would even be placed in a day care where your MIL will get some rest during that time.....
Just b'coz your MIL had agreed to shoulder your responsibiity (Remember AS A MOM IT IS YOUR PRIME RESPONSIBILITY) it doesn't mean that you can take advantage on her......I know you also need a break from day to day stress, but remember your MIL also has every right to feel the same way....that may be the reason for showing her dis-pleasures when you wish to go out with your DH.......so be patient, appreciate and feel privelaged of what you have....rather than what you would like to have.......!! Atleast for time being.......

 

I agree with bubai and bukbuk. It is extremely difficult to handle a toddler even if he/she is family and your MIL must be exhausted at the end of the day, even if you are helping with chores!

Also, I have noticed this, though I am not sure if this can be generalised. Most MILs though they like to take care of their grandkids, sometimes seem to end up feeling that they are doing the DIL's job for her and she is "free." Even if the DIL is working, doing chores etc. Which might explain why your MIL gets irritated to see you go out and have fun as she probably feels that she is doing your job for you.

Initially I used to request MIL to feed my son etc. during our vacation to ILs' place, thinking that she might want to do it. However she does it without cribbing only if I am extremely busy with something else at that time. Once she openly asked me to feed him myself and it was then that I realized that I was mistaken. She is otherwise a loving grandmom.

Same does not seem to hold for their DD's kids though.

 

One question to the OP - How would you plan for your outings if let's say your in-laws were not in the picture?? lets say you were entrusting your child to a care giver.. you would be eagrely waiting for the weekends and leaves to spend time exclusively with the child and not think of leaving the child during week end and going for an outing... right ?? why is it any different now?? the answer is this.. you are extremly comfortable with the fact that your child is in safe hands and dont feel guilty of leaving the child during week ends.. but it is not the same for your MIL.. while she is obliging to take care of the child during week days.. she feels week ends are a well deserved break for her.. at lease from rudatory work..

 

You need to decide whats more important to you - non complaining MIL or going out with your DH? Because getting both seems difficult in current situation. And once you decide, make peace with the other. I know better said than done. But you need to if you want peace of mind.
Meanwhile you could also start working on reducing resistance from MIL. Taking care of your baby is your responsibility. You might hire nanny where MIL just needs to look over. So she wouldn't complain of excess stress.
Encourage them In laws to go out sometimes maybe nearby temples, get together with their friends, garden when you are home.
Take your baby with you when you go out. You would have to make extra preparation but you three would enjoy your time and she will be happy to go out too.
If possible leave her with some friend, your family, relatives when you go for a movie.
But in any case, complaining instead of making them or DH realize why, would only increase their resistance.
Vaidehi

 

Dear op,
I say you are so lucky to have mil who take care of YOUR DD.
My mil is so bad,I have twins and she always says that they are my babies,i hv to take care of them as well all house chores she will just spy me all the day!
Even if I go for bath and if she is hold one baby she cannot resist for 5mins and keep on knocking my bedroom come soon he is searching for you or she will simply put him on the bed surrounded by pillows and she never feed my babies changin diapers,clothes no nothing anything! but she will be busy watching tv serials,reading books she wont mind even if babies cries! sounds crazy right!

Life changes once you become parent,you should accept that and your mil is not a nanny to look after your dd 24x7.As you are working you may not know how much it will depress one being at home with baby and without a routine life! Praise her rather than complaining