My mom is behaving like a typical not so nice mil!

maya69 · Jun 5, 2012

I had a long conversation with my sil (my younger brother’s wife) recently. I find out from sil that my mom is behaving the typical mil in little little ways and it has hurt sil very much. I am mad at my mom and don’t know what to do. My sil did not tell me these things expecting some resolution, but when she finally unburdened herself to her DH (my brother), he had told her to talk to me a long time ago itself. Sil was hesitant as her mil is my mother after all. But after some recent get together at my house, my sil felt I would understand.

I have a ok relationship with my sil . my brother got married (arranged) at a late age and I was soo happy that he had someone to grow old with. My brother and me have never been super close but neither one of us have any animosity either. We just live and let live.. When sil came into family I would make it a point to call her regularly as I now had a lil sis to talk to. She has no siblings herself. My mom lives with them (widow). I would call and talk to my mom separate from sil too (not on same day). My own relationship with my mom is ok, I am not your typical “I miss my mom so much type of gal”. I feel I have enjoyed my married life much more (despite in laws etc) than before marriage. As I myself have my in laws living with me I know all about drama living with in laws and all that adjustment.

My mom (almost 70) keeps herself independent, she used to work and goes about taking bus, visits friends etc. But sil tells me that my mom has been putting her down right from start in small ways and it has made sil withdraw from having any conversations with my mom. Some incidents she told me for example: once or twice when meeting moms friends in apartment complex, my mom would never introduce her as her daughter in law. Sil would be left to introduce herself. The first time in happened sil let it go, but second time she felt hurt. Same thing when they went to indian community function, a chance for my mom to introduce her new bahu, my mom kept quiet. My brother is a quiet reserved man, sil is more social that him, so it would have been good if my mom had done some introduction to break the ice, especially showing off a dil that has taken a long time to come into family. Another example: They all went to temple, where there was self serve prasadam, my mom served herself and my brother but not my sil. When my bother requested mom to serve his wife too as she already had spoon in hand, my mom simply ignored and walked off. My sil felt very hurt. Most conversation with my mom and SIL about distant relatives all seem end up comparing sil with girls in those families. My mom has even mentioned to her about other marraige proposals that my brother had where the girl was so super fair etc and of course that gave my sil a complex. Because of all this, my sil has decided to keep quiet and not have major conversation with my mom. She feels not wanted. My mom feels that they have become distant, dil is not taking advice and is not adjusting. My sil is not working right now as she has not been able to find anything since moving to US and that is also depressing her.They dont have kids yet.

I don’t know how I can have a conversation with my mom to straighten this out. On the other hand I also feel my brother should not be such a goody goody son and stand up for himself and his wife. He himself seems to have some pent up emotions when it come to my mom. But they don’t want to rock the boat and show disrespect to my mom especially at her age. Is there anything I can do?

priyaprem · Jun 6, 2012

Maya

Your mom's behaviour towards your sil is toally a reflection of her insecurity feeling she has. Your mom is a widow, generally Indian women or any women for that matter will always look thier son as an image of their husband especially more in case like your mom's. They have the feeling that they may lose their son too when dil comes....so knowingly, or unknowingly they start behaving not so normal in a way to show their displeasures....i mean the insecured feeling......Your mom doesn't want to give much importance to your SIL in front of others means she still wants to show them that she controls or atleast her son is not influenced by DIL in anyway.....your mom not serving "Prasadh" inspite of your brother requesting was also to show that she does what she feels right (even though she is wrong in this..) and also an indirect way to show her DIL that she can even ignore what his son says and continue to do what she needs to do........All she needs is SECURED FEELING which your SIL need to give...yes not your Brother as your Mom knows he will first support her.......your SIL need to be little bit submissive in the begining to her MIL and let her control things, let your SIL take suggestion from your MIL atleast let her show your MOM that she values her suggestion too......these tiny things or gestures will certainly make her to understand or will re-assure her that your SIL will never do anything to spoil the relationship she has with her son and that she respects her too.........It may sound little bit too much of asking from your sil.........but you neeed to do that.......in such a way that it is agreed by your SIL....how you will put forth to her is your talent......but at the same time she should not have the feeling that she is left out and you take sides with your mom.........I know it's like walking on a tight rope.....but remember one thing never let down other family member for the sake of another one, rather point out their mistakes gently but always try to create a bridge inbetween them ....

It is between your MOM whether you are close to her or not and she need not be exposed of her action.....but can be highlighted.....AND SIL....she has ome to your family to lead the rest of her life and she should never feel LEFT OUT at any cost...It's good to know that she discussed the problems with you and not any one else in her family....that shows her maturity.....now it's your responsibility to strike a chord inbetween.......

Best of luck!!!!!

maya69 · Jun 6, 2012

Thanks for the suggestion Priya. I am walking on a tight rope. I have heard my mom side from time to time. But i usually listened and told mom to not make a big deal of things. If dil wants to cook only let her cook etc but now sil tells me her side, where she tried to learn cooking my moms way and my mom kept saying oh you do it your way. Sil did not know how cook that much and wanted to learn from her but my mom got miffed somewhere and then it went downhill from there.

My mom is also doing comparison btwn me and brother in their house which i never knew. Growing up she was never one to praise us for anything and we were just average kids anyway. If me and my dh gift my mom something she doesnt show much excitement or anything, so i am never sure if she liked or not. But my sil says Apparently all my mom does at their home is brag about what things i gifted and praising me. I had no clue as she never once praised me for anything to my face. Now that sil pointed out in conversation i realize my mom never praises my brother to me. The other day he and sil took her to dinner and a movie for her birthday (couple of days early as my mom would be out of town on her birthday) my mom mentioned to me that she went for a movie ( which she didnt like apparently) but never mentioned to me or my DH about the birthday dinner. They gave her a camera for her birthday but she never told me this when brother came to drop her off. Shouldnt she show off her childrens gift a little bit?? I can see how my brother is getting affected by all this and my sil is doing her best to wade thru it all. Sil doesnt want me to hint anything to my mom but brother and sil are glad that they can confide in me now.

What matters most impt is that they are strong as a couple and everything else is small change i guess. When i got married (out of caste) i felt so unwelcome by my mom and now my bro/sil are going thru same thing after their marraige eventhough theirs was within same community. I never expected such drama from my own mom. Its so upsetting. I understand her insecurities of being a widow at a young age but why such games.

Sorry for the long vent.

priyaprem · Jun 6, 2012

Maya

Still i would support your mom you know why? She doesn't need to tell you or brother that you are good.....as you had crossed that age and stage....for constant appreciation only kids will thrive for that ( But unfortunately in your case you say you didn't get it enough......).At the same time she never stopped praising you people to others infact i should say that she is doing the right thing of appreciating you toi your SIL that way she is indirectly paving a way for you to gain more respect from her (Until and unless she is of jealous type but, from your post i beleive she is of nice character...)

Your mom would have really struggled to bring both of you this far, she need to pose a tough figure to the outside world willingly or unwillingly as she need to be strong or atleast want to project that way..for so many reasons which you may not even know......or she may have not even discussed with you people or even shown a little traces of such things to you both.....by doing so.....for so many years...........she becomes one.........i.e. a person who doesn't fall so easily for any emotions...whether it is good or bad....by suppressing her emotions and showing a grim figure for the sake of protecting her and her kids from any sort of unknown dange...by doing so..it had become her natural trait...i mean....the mask which she had put for others had now become her Own Face.....

You may not realise all these as she is your Mother...and you will have some expectations from her regarding her attitude or behaviour etc etc....but as a third person i can very well see through the things more clearly......

You may not require this kind of portrait by any women nowadays, as woman as such had evolved so much mentally, emotionally, economically and what not....??? But this was not the case some 25 years ago......so her approach towards life would've been totally different for what we have now....hence, we are not able to decipher certain behaviour of our elders on certain matters....but when we sit and analyse (who has time for those....??!!!) and weigh the options without any prejudice you may be able to understand your mom's emotions far better.....

So....do not jump into any conclusions about your Mom....just because your SIL and Brother took you into their confidence....( I know you are desperate to help them.....) But certainly not at the cost of your MOM'S emotions....These are all very intricate feeling Maya.......we may not understand this in real sense......

Try to speak to your SIL and make her understand (I'm sure she is a level-headed girl , else her reaction would have been worse....for your Mom's behaviour towards her......)about these complicated things in life.....(Of course you know better how to put forth it.....), and at the same time you start talking good about SIL to your mom....(Shouldn't sound aritificial at any cost...), don't even expect any response or even a nod from her....but all the good things you say about your SIL will get registered in her mind.....and which will ultimately yield your expected outcome from your MOM.............slowly BUT FOR SURE!!!!

bubai · Jun 6, 2012

I think your mom is being mean and unfair to your SIL. From what you have written, your SIL seems to be a nice and articulate girl. Assuming what she is saying is true, you need to talk to your mom. Tell your mom straight that she will end up being very lonely if she does not mend her ways. She needs to be nice to her DIL and son because they are the ones taking care of her.

Being a widow is not an excuse for her bad behavior. This is a give and take relationship and if she wants love and care from them, she needs to show little affection/appreciation too. Period! Nobody has the time and energy to run after egoistic people these days. There is too much work, too much stress and life has become very hectic from what it used to be in the 80s when we were growing up. Nobody wants to take unnecessary tensions, there is a limit for everything. They will have their plates full once they have kids and your mom's situation will take a backseat for them.

Tell your mother to be nice to them as she is living with them. Tell her to stop comparing completely. Assure her that her love will be reciprocated in greater proportions.

Take care.
--Bubai

maya69 · Jun 6, 2012

Thank you Priya and Bubai for giving me an outside prespective. Yes my mom had a hard life bringing us up, and we are thankful to her that we both turned out ok. Life is fine for her too, she has roof over her head, spending $ of her own, good health and kids are close by only. I dont expect praise as that this is her way but lately it has been too much in my brothers house.

I am going to try what priya has suggested and praise my sil and brother in conversation. Since my in laws live with me i find i can influence my in laws a lot by talking good things about my co-sis and pointing out other prespectives. Let me see if i can do same for sil too. I will also try to establish a relationship with my sil ( separate from my mom/bro/dh) just as women friends and meet for lunch once in awhile. I do that with my cosis and its been good for us.

soulful · Jun 6, 2012

First of All, kudos to you OP, you have a mature head on your shoulders. It is so nice to see that you, being a SIL and daughter are not blindly supporting your mother. In my humble opinion, you are right. your mother needs to behave well with your sister - in - law. She seems to be a nice lady with a maturity that few have these days.

It is unfortunate that your mother had to face alot of hardships at a yougn age to bring you both up. HAts off to her - no doubt she did a fine job - and as they say, the proof of the pudding lies in the eating - you and your brother are fine people.

But she needs to realise that her widowhood and hardships have got nothing to do with her DIL and the DiL had no role to play in her sufferings. I agree with bubai - being a widow does not endow her with the right to ill treat her DiL.

Only if she makes DIL feel as part of the family, will the DIL consider herself as part of the family. DIL is doing her job, your mom must do her's.

what she is doing to her DIl will only result in more heartburn for all involved. never encourage her behaviour. as said above, praise your sIL in front of your mother. Another thing you can do is talk about fictional (or even real- unfortunately, there is no dearth of MIL-DIL stories on IL) stories how a MIL's attitude is what destroys the peace of a family - discreetly, gently.

comparisons is a strict NO-NO. That is a red flag OP. ensure that this kind of comparisons do not create a rift between you, your bro and Sil. They are confiding in you now, but such things in the long run have the potential to ruin your relationship with them.

be very careful, you now have the capacity to break or make relationships. All the Very Best.

maya69 · Jun 6, 2012

soulful said: ↑

Another thing you can do is talk about fictional (or even real- unfortunately, there is no dearth of MIL-DIL stories on IL) stories how a MIL's attitude is what destroys the peace of a family - discreetly, gently.

be very careful, you now have the capacity to break or make relationships. All the Very Best.[/QUOTE

Thanks Soulful. Its funny you mention that I talk up real/fictional mil stories to make a change in my mom. Years ago when my son was a preschooler and was having tantrums (lil sis was taking my time away from him I guess), one of his day care teachers suggested we try telling our DS stories at bed time of how his father was when he was little (fun stories with some morals attached) to model good behavior. Little-Papa Stories we called them. some fo them my DH even made up as he is a good story teller. My DS loved them, and we taped them and DS used to listen even when my DH travelled for many years. They helped a lot. Now I am having to do the same for my mom but I am not a good story teller.

I only have have one brother and a very nice sil. She also does not have any siblings. I do not want to ruin the relationship at all. I will tread lightly on all sides.
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1Sandhya · Jun 6, 2012

op, I sincerely advise you not to get between your mom and your sil. I would really stay out of giving your mother advise since you only heard one side of it and there are always, always, always 2 and even 3 sidesto each incident.

In a way, I feel it is little unfair for your sil to pull you into all this. Since she has brought it up, she is the one having the problem. You are in a tricky situation since she has approached you for advice. The best you can do is to give your suggestion to the person who has asked your advice, ie., the sil. Tell sil to increase mom's security, explain that your mom is older etc, and suggest ways to sil to make things better with mom or things sil can do to keep herself occupied and get a job etc., but dont say anything to Mom, dont even start the topic with Mom. Let them both sort it out between themselves. You can create situations where a dialogue can ensue but that's it.

Ultimately you are the married daughter and a third party and somehow 3rd party interventions never go well in this kind of emotional situation. So be careful because, ultimately either or both ladies can turn on you and accuse you of interference when they dont like your suggestions. Or something you bring up in a well-meaning way can get misconstrued and cause problems for you later on. So think a lot before proceeding.

lochu · Jun 7, 2012

Hi Maya69

first of all you are a good SIL and your SIL is lucky to have you .If you talk to your MOM its only going to strain the relation ship further .Instead have conversatuon with your Brother .Ask him to support his wife .When you talk to your SIL comfort her and ask her to ignore MIL 's comments .the issues that you mentioned are minor .incase ur MOm complains to you about DIL advice her not quoting incidents but tell her what she should be doing .

The best things is for your brother to step in and comfort his wife