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Marriage messed - big time

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Aug1980, Jun 4, 2012.

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  1. lochu

    lochu Gold IL'ite

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    hi AUg1980

    Your post is a great example for Guys who ruin their marriage ignoring the wife completely .Now you are trying to clean up the mess that your MOM created walking all over your married life and ruiningg it to the core of driving your wife to depression .Any girl would fall into such situation .BUt atleast I am happy that you came forward accepting your fault and trying to find a solution for it . Not alll Men have the guts to accept their fault and it takes a lot more courage to accept your fault .kudoos to you for doing it .Now to improve your current situtaion when ur wife has temper tantrums and pulling the past just don't react in a negative way to her or get irritated .The only way to stop her or prevent her is to replace those negative memories with positive memories .When she brings up old incidents tell her calmly yes I am very sorry mistakes happened I am not justifying my mistake but I will make life better for you from now on which I am trying hard .Actions speak louder than words .Hug her and get her some nice gift that day like some flowers or her fabourite movie or whatever she likes .Re assure her that she is your no1 priority and I will be there for no matter what .Due to the past incidents your DW has completely lost trust in you and marriage and i don't blame her for it from reading your posts so you need to bring her back .You should deep down in your heart the guilt and then bring your wife back . any sensible woman ( I a m sure from ur post your wife is one) would understand true love and trust and would not care to foirgive your family as well once she gets her trust in your back .But please ..........please until such time don't hit her or be mad at her .Patience is all you need.......

    next time she has a temper tantrum and she brings up the past tell her you cannot undo the past but will make it better from now on and do something nice for the next 2 days to her like doing the dishes for her or putting DD to sleep that day any small action thats shows u care for her and you are very sorry .slowly these changes will bring a positive change in her .


    Remember Women and elephanst never forget an injury but they sure can forgive .Its in ur hands now to bring her back.You will feel good about it and will help you heal as well .
    Good Luck
     
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  2. limkabook

    limkabook Bronze IL'ite

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    Aug1980,
    The first thing i wanted to do after reading your post was run to you and choke you to death, to give you a feel of what you've done to your wife.Instead i went and hugged my husband and thanked god a million times to not giving a man like YOU. Seriously man you don't deserve to have a wife like her. I think she had enough from you, your mom and sis . Please do a favor , either become a husband WITH SPINE or leave her.

    Dear Aug1980's wifey, Please leave this guy for god sake. If you believe in karma, i think you have done enough to accumulate for next 2 births also...You'll definitely get someone better for sure...You'll be in my prayers dear.
     
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  3. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, hope you are starting to see some sense after reading third-party views especially from many male posters on this thread.

    Tulipzz, I think that you are being taken for granted big time as he is sure that you will never leave him. Hope he understands you someday.
    Hugs to you; be strong.

    Really, your sister too joins you all in making fun of your wife?? Your sister, who is supposed to be your wife's peer. How would you like it if your BIL made fun of you and your weight?? How would you like it if your sister's in-laws told her that she was too fat, short, whatever??
    Has your MIL/FIL ever asked you to lose weight?

    One good thing the OP has done I think is make many of us DWs appreciate our husbands more. Thank you, OP. And my MIL-I am glad she allowed her boy to grow into a man.
    God bless.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2012
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  4. anonymou

    anonymou Silver IL'ite

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    Well I am not as critical of OP as most posters here(certainly not of ALL actions). Especially, "sending the ring" part. If OP is unromantic, I believe it is fine, every body has his/her own personality. He displayed no extra romanticism before marriage to mislead his fiance that he is romantic person. OP's wife had an opportunity to call off the wedding(she wasnt even engaged then) then itself. I would advice OP's wife not to raise such issues now, as they are not related to OP's morality, but his ingrained personality (and the personality she was well aware of before marriage)
    Before other posters jump on me now - I am not justifying all OP's actions, I am just pointing to a perspective that being unromantic is just a personality trait, something for which a proposal can be rejected, but the person need not be criticized.
     
  5. sushmavja

    sushmavja Platinum IL'ite

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    oh anusha...i was thinking the same from the time i read this thread..
     
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  6. shwetha12

    shwetha12 Bronze IL'ite

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    Tulipz,

    My 2 cents..
    Many ppl already advised , what your husband should do...(romantic, sensitive,realize etc)
    Like your depression , he is also having some issues.. Dont want to mention the name since its not fair to decide on somebody without seeing the person. Every time he speaks to their parents/sisters he is not happy but cannot stop calling them,even if they bother him he wont try to escape.one kind of mania.He cannot handle pressure, so either ignoring or taking extreme steps.


    For whatever reasons u both want to work on this marriage.
    I 100% appreciate all the braveness and kindness .

    what are the next steps .. for your own happiness and cheerful life.
    browse - Art of living in youtube.Though you are 100% correct.
    you need some little changes.
    Leaving the past aside for sometime..

    Just realize there will be bitter moments in everyone's life.
    There are some happy moments too. Dont stay at home for long on holidays . Whole summer just plan something for every weekend.

    Next issue is your high self respect : This is very good but does not work sometimes as the 'ego' replaces the self respect.If his mother says you married your husband for money.Let her think .Its been 5 years.
    your keep your salary as savings for your daughter. you just chill out with your hubby's salary.you are a couple .
    there is no concept of you and me . Only 'WE'.
    Samething,

    if your MIL thinks you stole his son.
    Then , Just feel how worthy and deserving you are. He is a human.
    One can only win the person by showering love .

    If he is a good son, brother and father why cant he be a good husband.
    Act smart - learn what to tell your husband and what not to mention.
    When your mil can bind your FIL. Cant you do this at this age.I am reading all your posts now. You are trying everything !!

    Lastly, Just show your daughter how a fantastic loving mother can be.
    So, she grews up confident, independent and a brave girl.






     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2012
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  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Aug,

    I hope all the affirmations that you were wrong at many instances than being right has made you sit up and think a little.

    Tulipzz,

    I know you are mature enough and are not going to tell your Husband "See, I am right", because it is right now very tempting, when the unknown, virtual members are all supporting you and standing up for you.

    Well i and my husband, both of us read this, and promised ourselves that we are not going to reply to this post.. but somewhere deep down, i was not happy with myself. it was more like what if..so here i am and my husband will get to know that i replied here only when he reads it..(sorry!!)

    Aug,

    There are many things that went wrong. the parent's interference, the lecture hours and the gifts. i am sure you can over a point of time make it up for the gifts, for the lecture hours but there is one thing that is going to be very difficult, standing up for your wife.

    There are many times, men escape, saying we were not taught, we were not aware, we never saw our dad do it..but do you men and the others give the same escape route to a woman (the wife/daughter-in-law)the story that enfolds is again something else.

    I believe you think/thought your mom is great agreed every son is going to feel the same so do daughters..but aren't we adults, and when issues go to a level where you feel there is something wrong, don't you analyse and try to rectify. i am sure you do that instantaneously at office, why not in your personal life your relationships..i think the reason lies in the priorities.. yours are not in the right order.

    Coming to your sister, she would have given your wife the respect, if you had drawn the line and showed her by your actions, where your wife is in your life..sometimes, you don't need to reprimand, shout, fight to establish something but just show by your actions and i am sure this is something that nags tulipzz.

    We are the same blood and the wife is the outsider, tomorrow the son-in-law also gets the same treatment??. i agree and applaud the relationship that a close tight knit family has (i don't think yours is one though), where they make the wife the daughter and the sil the son and include them in everything. (and before you jump the guns i have seen such familes where the daughter in law has a voice, respect and authority and the sil has the love, respect and freedom..). the acceptance of your daughter and showing the mother of the daughter at the door is going to go to take eons to erase.
    it definitely hurts, even when said playfully..but to really bear the brunt of such a action, where the granddaughter is acceptable while the mother of the same gd is not is an abuse and knowing it and being ignorant was a crime. think if your daughter was accepted by her parents while you were showed the door, you would have made a big issue and ordered her to cut off herself from them, she did not do it,but is willing to help your parents if need arises..(you know Aug30, to do that, takes a lot of mental strength and i can tell you,MAN cannot do it, only a WOMAN can do it ).

    You assume a independent woman will not have emotional needs. Yours are fulfilled by your parents , sisters?? you don't feel the necessity for that bonding between you and your wife. if you thought she is independent, she knows how to take care of things, she took care of my parents even before marriage, then let me tell, however strong a wife is, she would like to have the support of her husband, the hand on her shoulder that tells her if things are way more than she can handle, she can just rest on your shoulders..you have failed to give her that comfort and confidence while she has given you enough confidence, that she will take care of things in your absence, that she will take care of your parents even if things are not so great between all.
    it is all about your taking and where is your giving..she is your wife for better or worse..

    you love your child, but the bonding is not so strong as to make you restless, when your daughter is in the hospital and you go out and have fun. I know you cannot do anything staying miles apart, but to tell her that you are going ahead and having the trip and fun, while she is tensed with the welfare of your daughter is the most immature thing..another -ve you have added..will she ever feel comfortable about things like this with you..

    Coming to the present, I seriously wonder what you both are going to achieve by drinking nailpolish (you knew it was not that harmful...just a little discomfort..just kidding..) or any other methods on taking your life to prove a point.. it shows an act of desperation or anger..both are dangerous.. did you think about the daughter you brought to this world. you both have no right to do that your daughter..

    Now, tulipz dear, i know that it is emotionally taxing and even a small trigger, reminds you of lot of the past and makes you go wild, but that would make your depression severe. sometimes, just let go, stop allowing those triggers to rule your mind, divert yourself towards something you really love to do, singing, dancing, walking or just holding your daughter. when you have been so strong for so long, these triggers start chipping at your emotional strength and slowly effecting your physical health..come on dear, do not allow that to happen.DO not give the power of ruling this to others.

    Aug, you have to make up for a lot of things. your asking them to apologise just because she is eating your peace of mind is the wrong way to go about it. learning to take care of a baby does not just come because the lady gives birth, even the lady learns it through trials, so can a man and it is all about effort.

    To make this relationship work, you have to start talking better. let her talk, you listen, (I know it is going to be difficult to sit through every trigger episode) but think of that as making up for all that she has gone through. when she is done, you can just hug her and tell her you are sorry and just be there.. but the moment both of you start going through a match, life is going to go one step backwards instead of forward.

    Aug, make her fall in love again, earn her trust that has cracked.Learn to appreciate her. do not start buying gifts everyday to make up for what did not happen before, it is again going to make her say "when i needed them i did not get, now i don't" and tulipz, if you are thinking on these lines, dear, stop, give him a chance to make amends..

    Tulipz, I also believe, that lot of assumptions and expectations have been at play. sometimes, it is ok to demand for what you need, not magnanimously compromising and being at it.it is fine at that point, but later at your weaker moments, it keeps knocking at your sanity..These days with the stress, with lot of socio factors playing, we expect a lot from our partners, we assume or expect them to know how to go about things..(I and my husband make fun, it would be better if they had classes for this before marriage). If you want your husband to be more expressive, more romantic, work on it. nothing wrong. sometimes some of the things we take for granted is not the case with the other..so here communication plays a vital part..learning together, learning about each other..

    HAve a lot of heart to heart conversation,accept your mistakes, rectify them, do not say apologize for things that you cannot rectify, seek the help of the other to take one step at a time.

    it does not take more than a few hours to break up and go your way but to work on a marriage takes time, and sometimes when things go wrong somewhere, it takes more conscious effort, love, forgiving,trust and lots of patience to bring it back on track. think ahead as our life and not yours or mine. arrange your priorities accordingly..

    All the best..

    (P.S. I have written this just from experience, and life and 19 years of marriage and they are just my opinions..)
     
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  8. bubai

    bubai Gold IL'ite

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    Few days back, I read somehwere that the best gift a father can give his child is to love his/her mother...This is so true.

    When there is mutual love and respect between a husband and a wife, the child feels safe and thrives. The parents become his/her role model and the child grows up to be a confident person.

    Aug80, your mom's time is over,now think about your family first. My dad's parents were very abusive towards my mom and he never stood up for my mom. We were thrown out of the house in the middle of the night. We were tramautized but now it is a thing in the past.

    When things didn't work out for my dad and my mom walked out, his parents were very supportive and were very happy. Do you know what is the situation now? My dad is so lonely, my brother and me hate him from the core. He has no money, no friend and his siblings don't even talk to him. He depends on us completely for money and we do send little money to him every now and then without even looking at his face. I haven't seen him in last 21 years and I don't plan on doing that too.

    Get your priorities straight. For a married man, his wife and children are his topmost priority, everything comes after it. You will never be happy if you don't treat your wife properly, never.
     
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  9. gopituty

    gopituty Silver IL'ite

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    I really feel pity for your wife.. Man you have not given any importance to her feelings but you think you are right..

    (I'm yet to read the other posts.)
     
  10. raji2678

    raji2678 Gold IL'ite

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    Tulipzz, I feel sorry for u and pray to God to guide you to take the best decision
    But please keep these 2 things in mind..
    1) Whatever goes around comes around. You SIL will soon be married, and then all your in-laws will understand. Even if her ILS are nice, your ILs will make a mountain of a molehill and say that she is suffering
    2) Your in-laws will not be around after a couple of years..They will get old,suffer and die.
     
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