Please advice me... Really lost and confused

flowerlady · Mar 21, 2012

hopeforthebest said: ↑

Thanks for your advice.

I didn't tell about his condition to my parents and his mom for the past 3 years because we were planning to do donar sperm. But now everyone knows about this. My parents are supportive about donar sperm but his mom told " we don't know about donar sperm because its someone else's and maybe the child will be handicapped or mentally retarded so you both cab adopt".

So for me, why should I give up everything? My fear is, if I leave him and go there is no guarantee about second marraige and if that didn't happen how will I live alone in future. I have my parents and brothers but still what will happen to my life, this is my biggest fear. But at the same time, he is a good person and not sure why he is behaving like this now.

So the confusion I have is to stay and work out or walk away? If I stay no biological child experience.

very very confused what to do next?
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Dear Friend,
You are confused because you are in an emotional state and unable to think clearly.
Here are some pointers for you-
1 You have to accept that DH does NOT want a donor sperm , adoption is fine.
If you both go for adoption you have to forget the previous option. A man will go for surrogacy but not donor sperm, it was wrong of your DH to let you dream about it.
2 Both have to come to India and do adoption paperwork, find out about the process.
3 You are right when you say that the chances of a better spouse are remote. One cannot change spouses just because of a medical problem, that's what it is. It's not his fault , he is a nice person and you love him.
4 Imagine yurself 5 years after the divorce, its not easy to remarry .You may get a good match but will you love the guy? Its very difficult , say impossible to leave a spouse you really love.There are so many women staying in abusive marriages because they love the guy.
5 Life changes , parents get older , brother marries and has a family of his own. Things change, priorities change.
6 What if a woman had a problem in concieving , would she like to be replaced by her DH? Would you support his decision?
7 The second marriage may come with its own set of problems , how will you know about the next guy's reproductive ability ?
8 If the rift is too wide between you two then its better to face the future alone without him with no regrets.
You may find a dream match , have a baby or be alone / single by choice .
If you want the biological experience of childbirth at all costs then walking out is the only way.

Radhai · Mar 27, 2012

HFB,

You are already handed a tough problem to solve.
Do not let trivial factors like 'others 2cent oipinion about you'
creep into that already complex equation.
Decide one way or the other taking only your feelings for your H,
and your future into consideration.
I stress it again, "There is NO right or wrong in whichever way you sway".
Have confidence in yourself and make a decision.

Hope your communication got better with your H by now..
If yes, have a heart to heart talk with him.
You need to find out if you both still love each other
and that neither of you see your relationship as a
'marriage of convenience'.

More than having to decide whether
1) to adopt or not,
2) to go for donor sperm or not,
HFB, you need to decide whether
'to stay together or not'.

Solve that variable first.

tranquility · May 10, 2012

Its almost 1 month and 10 days now... Does anybody know whats the decision hopefor thebest has taken? If u are reading this post hopeforthebest, do respond...

eandian · May 10, 2012

Dear OP,
You are going through a tough time. Hugs to you.

Adoption is not about you. The focus is on "what is good for the child?" Only a happy couple can make happy parents.

hopeforthebest · May 11, 2012

Now we are not talking about any of the problems I mentioned above. It was very hard for me this past 3-4 months, couldn't explain the things I went through. Now I'm taking things one at a time. So many thoughts and very depressed. I don't think I can leave him and go. I'm trying to accept the fact that we are not going to have bio child and its killing me but I have to do that rite, thats reality.

Thanks so much for your support. I will update if anything on my side.

Nandshyam · May 11, 2012

hopeforthebest said: ↑

Hi everyone,

Things really got worse now. Just to recap: He was very supportive for the donar sperm till last year and now he is totally against it and wants to adopt, he wants to go back to India and live with his mom. I agreed to all of this, since it is all hard choices and within 2 months he told everything. I was coming to terms and mentally preparing for all his needs.

I helped my father financially sometime back. I'm working in US, so its my duty to help my father. He also sent the money to my parents n all. Now he is telling he wants all the money back. So because of my education only I'm working here and I have resposibility to help my father and how can he talk like this.

It is getting worse, I really don't have any hope in this relationship. What am I getting? No child, can't support my parents, can't work in US and move to India. How can I be positive and continue here?

Guys help me. I really don't know what to do.
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I am sorry, but I want you to read that line you wrote and how it is hard for you to accept when your husband tries to do the same towards his mother.

ivlakshmi · May 11, 2012

Hi hopefor the best,

Try to dopt atleast two kids.. I have personally seen my grand mothers sister having no child and suffering in old age.. This ladys husband is really a nice person but he always had medical problems.. She is all alone running to many hospitals and taking care of him..there is no one to look after them.. she has suffered her entire life.. donnot waste too much of precious time

tranquility · May 12, 2012

I appreciate your patience with which u have written an insight about the whole matter. Not all would be able to do it.. U've set me thinking too... never thought of the dilemmas of the child.. I mean I always thought that the love given by the parents would actually never create any conflicts in the child's mind...

eandian · May 12, 2012

I felt uneasy to write that post in fear of hurting OP. But truth had to be told. I am glad that she took my post in good sense. I appreciate her for that. :thumbsup And definitely never expected the likes that post received.

bubai · May 12, 2012

During the initial years of my marriage, my MIL often told me that she got great proposals for her son and what a great blunder her son had done by going for love marriage. It seems the proposals were all from extremely rich families and tried her best in making me feel that I belonged to a poor middle class family. She said many such derogatory things even when I was pregnant. Let me tell you those were the worst things I have ever heard in my life. How was I supposed to react to it? People are mean and they try to hurt you where it hurts the most She stopped it after sometime because I didn't show any reaction but I will never forget her rude words. Therefore I know where you are coming from...

--Bubai