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Shall we keep inlaws with us here in US?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by meena2, May 8, 2012.

  1. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

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    My inlaws want us to either come back to India or they want to come here and live with us.
    We have tried going back but it did not work out well since my dh was not happy with his job. Now, to bring them here we need to apply for their GC.
    My dh is getting tensed over this. Somehow, we dont want them to live with us throughout. We had lot of issues earlier.
    They are aged 66 and 71 and FIL has asthma. SIL lives in same city in India.
    BIL who is elder lives here but does not bother much about looking after his parents.

    DH keeps thinking what to do......and this whole issue is stressing us out.
     
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  2. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    I think in your heart you know the answer as to what is the right thing to do. They are getting old and one child or another needs to take charge of elderly parents. There is no way around this. If your BIL is not going to and you are not moving to india then what else is there? Possibly eldercare in india? Or you move to india and live in upstairs/downstairs unit.

    My DH made this same decision many years ago when they were around 65 and brought his parents to US. This is despite the fact that they had 2 other sons in india who are equally loving. Never could figure why they chose here over comforts of india. I guess it could be that I am the one dil who has figured how to adjust with them. When they got GC we applied for medi-cal (through local county office)which gave free healthcare at certain doctors. Dont know if they still offer this or is in all states. They now have citizenship and get medicare. So atleast our worry about medical cost is gone. We take care of all other things for them. My fil learned to drive atleast short distances. So They help me with kids and have generally good to me. But Its not easy having elders who want things done their way. there have been weeks where i feel why me? Why my co-sis coveniently dont have to do? But i know this is the right thing to do eventhough i am not totally happy about it.

    I also have the other side of the coin...my mother (close to 70)is also here with my brother and wife living just 40 minutes away. She has retired and i have started bringing her to my house 2weeks at a time so my mom can have break from her dil too. Some weeks mil/fil/mom all at home and all i wan to do is be alone in my house with my kids and hubbie. But what to do, as i cannot forget about my/his parents at this time in their life.


    Good luck on your decision.
     
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  3. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    When we were kids, what if our parents had thought 'Too much trouble. We dont want the kids to live with us, pack them off to a boarding school dorm"? (not talking abt exception situations here)

    At 71, they are kids too. Your hubby needs to stop whining about his inconvenience and apply for their GC.
     
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  4. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

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    Maya,Raagini thanks for responding. See the whole issue is like this.

    We sold off our house, all our stuff, our 2 cars and left to India 3yrs back. Dh found a not so satisfactory job. I never worked really big job here in US. Worked partime for some time only.
    In India, we had to take care of kids adjusting and buying a house and things there. Kids got adjusted but it was going not so good since DH was not at all satisfied with the job. He was given very low position and had to face lot of problems at work. Finally, we found it is not working out since he had to travel a lot and always out of house and away from family. I had to manage with 2 kids alone with no support at all.
    My parents offered support when needed but they were also restricted since my grandfather who is 92 lives with them.
    At that time, my inlaws living just 5kms away never ever visited me nor offered help. Only when dh was here they would call and only after he literally begged them they would come even if it was our daughter's birthday or some puja.

    They showed so much indifference towards us especially me. They even started saying it was me who dragged him to India so I could enjoy life with my parents and sibling. My dh knows all this and he too felt really hurt and was shocked by their behaviour.
    They would brag about my cosister who is working and holds a high position in US. And compare dh with their elder son ie., my BIL.
    Really, we had lot of bitter things to swallow and on top of that dh's job was not keeping him happy too.

    We decided to return to US again and its about a year now. We barely have anything at home. I stay home since I was not succesful to find any job after returning. I take kids for their activities and handle other household stuff as I used to do earlier. We have only one car now. I get it only when dh returns from work. After that I finish anywork related to family.
    We have no debts, no loans, financially we are OK.

    Somehow, we are trying to get on our feet again......in the emotinal sense. At this time, inlaws again insisting either we return or take them to US. We know they are aged but we too are not in a position now.

    Maybe financially we may manage to have them here but really speaking both of us are mentally not prepared.
     
  5. desiheart

    desiheart Bronze IL'ite

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    Ragini25, not to offend but after hearing more sides of OP's situation, it seems unfair for aged parents to thrust themselves at unwilling overburdened adult children.

    You don't give birth and raise children to invest for your old age care. Period. That smacks of total selfishness. Sadly, my ILs think that way esp. with male child.

    We give birth to children and raise independent individuals who carry forward the responsibility of raising their own families after marriage. Our parents knowingly procreate and give birth to us. It is their primary responsibility to raise us as well-adjusted, balanced individuals. If they want to send us away to boarding schools just by virtue of giving birth and not taking responsibility, they are violating parenting responsibilities.
    OP is doing just that her primary responsibilty is the welfare of her kids above everyone.
    Adult children looking after parents in old age is entirely optional and cannot be blackmailed in the name of tradition.
    Esp. in case of OP she seems to have suffered neglect and narrow-minded abuses from her in-laws when in India.
    Why shud she put her own life on hold and serve ungrateful people till their end ? Only to be cursed again and again ? Will they allow her to keep her own parents at home if they needed it. I truly doubt given how she was taunted by them for just moving to India as if for her parents sake only. Very narrow-minded indeed, sorry life is too short and OP has only one.
    She needs to think of what will make her happy in the long run for the next 10-20 years. Or how much nonsense she needs to bear in the name of tradition.
     
  6. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    Meena2,

    I see your dilemma after your explanation. That is so sad that they were so unsupportive. If you are financially and mentally not able to then tell them to wait for some time. Remind them that You guys have only returned to US now and do not have the ability just yet. Keep reminding that their wondeful elder son and cosis who are more financially secure who can bring them here now.

    Also have your in laws ever visited US? Some seniors hate it here as they have no freedom. And you will have to deal with that too. If they never visted maybe they come for 2 months to see how it is?

    We also were not the greatest financial setup when my inlaws came over. DH was the youngest and only worked 5 yrs and already 2kids while his brothers had a few more years ahead. And my 2 co-sis are quite wealthy from property from their parents and i have nothing from my mom (other than the wonderful food she cooks for us when she stays with us) so its never actually the person who is the most financially secure who gets the parents anyway.

    Sorry cant think of any solutions yet.
     
  7. AnithaPartha

    AnithaPartha IL Hall of Fame

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    My in laws & parents come over here evry 6months once.. You can try this option too !!
     
  8. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are right. But at the same time, these aging parents unselfishly brought up kids so that the adult-kids are in the wonderful position they are in today. Being emotionally indifferent to their needs may smack of the same selfishness (on part of the adult-kids) that you are talking about, right?

    There is no one clear way desiheart. At the end of the day, they are OUR parents. So it is best to do as per each situation. I just wrote in another thread - but to repeat - "Just sending money" and "making long distance phone calls and arrangements" does not mean emotionally taking care of 70+ yr parents.

    If the inlaws are way too abusive and problematic, then maybe they cannot live under the same roof. But an alternate nearby accomodation worked out, perhaps.
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    meena,

    I would suggest,since you just returned back and trying to adjust physically and mentally then don't take this stress for time being,.Ask your husband to ignore there taunts for time being.If the issue still exists after a year or later then you guys can take a look at it.For time being,just don't pay attention to it.
     
  10. rrahulakrishna

    rrahulakrishna Silver IL'ite

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    one doubt.
    to apply GC for them do we need citizenship or GC is enough?
    And if v apply GC for them can they stay here during the process years(i mean until they get GC)
    DEEPA
     

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