Is it over?

That's the what important right.Some of our friends,don't do Indian visits when there husband are visiting.This is very common expected your husband behavior when they visit India.

In a office environment,boss always feel superior and people who works for him needs to obey to them.In Indian culture this is as simple as that.They feel,DIL is the inferior and rest of group can boss around her.

You can't change there minds other than ignoring them.Your husband supporting to you.Some people do some don't.And you simply didn't get that person.As long he is taking care of you and taking of your DD and you are not living with them.That's what most of us look for and would ignore the India episodes or next time don't even visit with him.you go by yourself.


whatever your story,is story of lot of people.And it's there choice not to break the relations and just ignore the things which they don't like.At the same time,you need to look at and understand your husband position also to have a peaceful life in your house.

I don't think anyone would advise you to break a relation in the given situation.Each person will have strengths and weakness.Even my husband doesn't support me and it's know thing to me .So I don't expect that again and again.It may take years sometimes that too happen.I feel 5 years is a very short period.

Give him time and love then he will turn around .Again it's really up to you.

I do remember your last post where you were not able to forget and move on.Since you are india,talking to some spiritual guru would help to pass this difficult phase of yours.

Either you stay in the marriage or don't,,first you should able to move on and find peace within yourself.Then only your rest of life will become easy for you and your DD.

I also think the mindset of Men and Women are very different.He can't read your mind and you can't read his mind.I am married for 10 years but I still fail to understand lot of times my husband and he does that same.Doesn't mean that he is bad. It's simply reaching to each other it very difficult.

Now I have two daughters,every day I preach to them that they need to be together and take care of each other.As a mom,I wanted to be them together.At this point,I don't know each person going to be turn in.One could be selfish and snatch things.But even at that point,my daughters still struggle to detach from each other because what they learned from day 1 is not happening because one's selfishness.

Not you understand what I am trying to say.it's not easy to your husband to give up on his parents what bad they are.It's emotional connection they have from Day 1.

 

Good that you had finished your posts, OP.
I am very sorry for all that you had gone through.

Calm down please. Whatever you decide let it not be
when your emotions are running high.

From the look of it, you need time to heal and your H
feels enough is enough. But all is not gone yet. Let
your emotions drain a bit and you can think through this again.

 

Tulipzz,

What is the latest issue about?
For a moment leave all the baggage.
Just think about the latest issue and your concerns.
What is it that makes you rebel in this 2 weeks vacation in India?

Let us handle one at a time.

 

Tulipzz,

You want to live with this person or not who is your daughter's father also - Your answer would be Yes. So this is the bottom line.

You dont plan to settle down in India any time soon, and he is progressing to be a better husband when he is in US.

Learn to Ignore Tulipzz, hitting on the same thing that happened in the past is gonna lead you no where, now that you have learnt to disown (is it a right word here !!! not sure but) your MIL, SIL, FIL like your counselor suggested just stick to it.
If you have to go there, make it clear to your husband, that you are not gonna get into any kind of discussions. You have had enough, you want me to come there, them I come, I stay there and then leave.

No fights, no issues, no pulling each others legs, no giving back mode no discussion and all. Let them brain- wash DH what ever they want. tell your husband, that bcase they are your parents I am still coming there.

Tell him that you dont want any lawyer police crap thing to be spoken about Period.

 

I totally agree with Priya16...:coffee

My marriage is about 25 yrs now , still my Husband can't speak against his folks.....
not even in their absence..........

It's sons weakness , and that's in-laws advantage point...... which makes Dil life an emotional wreck....

tulippzz,

If you are still in India, just go Il's house , don't talk any thing..just act you are dumb... & deaf....

Once you come back to U.S with your H., follow, what Priya16 says...

Never go India along with him, make separate trips to India ....

You are still very young , you can not live a life alone , there is no guarantee , that another marriage
will promise you a dignified , decent & understanding in-laws......

Marriage is package deal, it is a family package deal with Indian men ,
It is a cultural & inter-racial package deal with western man ....

Life is a game , you have to play it safe & smart....
You sound very sensitive , I have been in to depression ....

My husband never argues with his folks to protect me ,
but tells me in private , I have to learn to be thick skinned , stand like a buffalo in rain...no emotions....

Hope you learn ... from us seniors ........:notthatway:

your husband will sympathize with you , but , you have to for give him , it will take at least a decade for any man to take wife side .......:bowdown

Relax , come back to U.S. go to star bucks , have a nice Cappaccino dear :cheers:cheers, leave in-laws in-india behind , take it easy , get over past ,,,, there is beautiful life here , since you have a full time career , enjoy , it's spring here with all the seasonal changes , BBQs , pot lucks , friends , just keep these in mind ... Please forget past for your baby sake.......

Just feel your self as a superior character , emerge as a winner by forgiving your Husband ........

 

I just wanted to post few things.

The things which happened beginning of your marrige,is in none of your hands.You both didn't get time to spend each other.Your husband get to hear two version of everything and he married you by arranged marriage.Means he listened to his family and married you.So things won't change and he believes his mom and that's common.

And he stood by you to take separate house and quit your job.It's not that easy for your husband not to come his folks his home.It's hard believe me.for him it's easy job not protecting you than telling his folks not to come.

But anyway he took to USA.Don't you think he just did like that by moving to USA.May be he thought it would be better for you guys and moved.

From now on things on your hands.It's really up to you how you wanted to play your cards.How much you suffer,he also would suffer.It's not easy for a men,mother and wife not to get along.It's hard on them too.


As a wife you should support him and he don't have to talk to his folks and I don't think he forced you to do those duties.Anyway you told us that he did support you couple of times in US.

So it's our game.As Anikha said,play your game to win and not to loose.You were thinking,you are going to leave him to his parents.

The truth is,no one can separate him and his parents.We need to understand that.We are the one who will leave if time comes.

So leave past and time played with you.Don't think your MIL played with you.

 

Dear Tulipzz, hugs to you dear. Sorry hun, that you have had to go through all this. Let me tell you one thing: This husband not being able to take side, and not being able to see right from wrong, happens in more families than you thing. I had VERY dominating inlaws and it nearly cost me my marriage to send up for myself and not to let them treat me like dirt. It took time to realize, that I need to concentrate ONLY on my husband and on myself. I am coordial to my inlaws but no more. and since they have realized, that my husband is not going to leave me, the dont interfere anymore. You need to work on the relationship between your husband and you. make it strong. Ignore all others. But first you really need to forgive him and heal yourself. In what you wrote, there are quite a few instances where your H stood up for you. Let your love flow over all his negativ behavior in the past, forgive him and build a beautiful, great life in the US. believe me, it's in YOUR hands.

@Priya, cant read your pm, dont have enough posts in last month to be able to access them. Hope ou are fine. I am fine