How much shud be tolerated !!!!!

Tolerance endlessly does not get one any where. She should involve both sides of parents and they should be informed what is happening.He looks like a mental patient and abuser. I feel it is not safe for her to live with him. If she cannot go and live with her parents till all this is solved because of her job she should ask them to come and stay with her. Better not to have kids in the near future till all this is settled.

 

If for such things, we take legal action then everyone will be divorced. No marriage is perfect and fights are very common between husband and wife

Ofcourse I condone the fact that the husband hit the wife and that should be taken seriously but as the wife knows and suggested it was in a fit of rage.

Your friend should try to find out why he is like that. You said that the husband is not working? Is he frustated that he is not the bread earner anymore and he is dependent on the wife's salary? Is it the studies thats bothering and making him more frustated? She should talk to him and find out.

Forgiving him for the hitting is upto her how she wants to handle it.

 

I hope you meant to Condemn & not Condone the husband's actions.

OP: Since this is not the first time & there is an escalation in violent behavior, your friend should involve both parents atleast to let them know what is going on. If the husband is truly sorry, he will work with his family to make their marriage non-violent.

 

Yes Condemn....typo mistake. Effect of multitasking I suppose

 

i think that guy needs some counseling. As he is very apologetic after the incident like he didnt have some control at that time. He definitely needs some help, ignoring this matter wont help and might get worse.

 

Being a victim of physical abuse and now divorced, I feel very strongly about this, so apologize in advance if I am coming off too strongly,

Firstly, he obviously seems to have anger issues. If and only if he is willing to admit it honestly to his own sorry self and work on it--this marriage has a chance.

Secondly, I do not buy the justification he gives--that he did it in a fit of anger--that is pure BS. I ask this one question: If your friend did something in "a fit of anger" is that acceptable? If she just verbally abuses him, is that alright? It is not, right? So he can dish all this crap to her, because he is a guy or because he is stronger, or what is really the reason here? Will he verbally abuse another guy who is bigger and stronger he is? Will he abuse her in a public place? He certainly wont, because he would get back as good as he gave. That's what abusers are deep down--cowards.

People who are truly sorry, do not justify their actions, they will not repeat their actions or seek help, but DO NOT JUSTIFY.

Thirdly,
Just throwing things around is not a small issue--it certainly would scare her, or what if the thing falls on her accidentally? When she fell down, what if she gets a head injury? His fit of anger is going to justify that?
Physical violence just escalates. I saw that in my case. It started with an innocent swatting my hand away to bashing my head.

So a few things:
Crying does not solve anything--so no more crying. She has to let folks know. Not sure how much that will help. The guy is old enough to know all this by himself, but yeah if parents can talk some sense into his thick skull, then sure.

She could try talking to him when he is calm and express how much this behavior bothers her, and would like him to seek counselling asap.

At the first sign of violent behavior--she should leave right away, she does not have to wait till it escalates and he starts hitting her.

Lastly, I would say, though marriage is important, being alive and safe is more important. Nobody should have to live in an abusive environment, no matter what the reasons for abuse are.

 

Dear Curious28,

As you have told your friend IL's are good, she can speak to them about this. She will come to know if this behaviour of him was from begining or it has started after marriage. Her MIL can speak to her son about this. But she should convey the message to IL's in a good way not like complaining your son is like this that and all, but tell them she is more worried these days about his behaviour sometimes it scares her and she cries alot for this, then IL's only will ask what has happened then she can explain the things and also mention how he feels sorry but agian does samethings.

After all this if he still continues with hitting she can take him to counsellor as suggested by others here.

 

Let her grab her stuff, get out of the house. gather in-laws and parents and let them know the situation. Tell him to get counselling and she will move in with him only if he finishes whatever number of sessions are advised and the counseller feels there is improvement. Patience is a great virtue. but is not a solution or cure to everything. her being patient will not help anyone. he needs help as he can't control himself in such situations and may be she too needs some counselling.

 

hi,

Leaving husband is a drastic step....
she may talk to him when he is in good mood expalin how it hurts her and things
and going to a psycologist is still a taboo in india
she can tell her husband to start practising meditation for 15 - 20 mins every day
or tell him he can count numbers when angry from 1 to 100....
ask ur friend to suggest these measures and if its intolerable then she can talk to him abt going for anger managment
i feel its better not to involve in laws bcoz they might feel its always dils fault...and son is always good...cant she tolerate little scoldings etc etc
the positive point is he only breaks stuff....at least he is not hitting he with things....
she can even invite her in laws too stay with them for a month or so so they can see there sons tantrum...
if nothing works out then u can think of seperation....