Why always talk about pain?

I don't see why things were so different in older generations. If mothers of older generation are hoping so, then they should stop hoping so, because it is a wrong expectation. I don't want to generalize, but many people on this forum would agree that our in-laws didn't take care of their in-laws. My MIL never took care of her in-laws. The granny (MILs MIL) stays in their native town and has never borne 'The so called fruits' of raising my FIL. All the granny has at her disposal is what her husband had left for her after his death.

The mother chose to birth a child. I believe she was mature enough to realize the consequences of birthing a child. A child would be dependent on her and it is her soul responsibility to raise the child and this is not a favor. It was her duty. Unfortunately this kind of duty doesn't have any pay offs. You either take it or leave it. The mom always had the choice of taking contraception and never bother to birth a child. It was a conscious choice made by the mother.

ok.. Just think over, when a man and wife divorce, why do you think something called 'Alimony' pops up. Why do you think there are laws and regulations in place for compensating the spouse with Alimony after a divorce.

Have you heard of similar things of compensation between parents and children or between brother and sister?.. No right..
If you understand why compensation exists for separating spouses, and no such compensation exists for a child separating from a parent, you will get your answers.

Well I am now in a state where I don't need an MIL to understand me. I am just happy if my MIL just leaves me alone. No I don't need a maid. I meant that if MIL can do all the work I do then she will have no interference from my end in enjoying the fruits of her son's earnings. Don't expect me to repeatedly forgo my financial and emotional freedom and put myself in a vulnerable position. Only if my husband can make me emotionally and financially secure, only then will I forgo my financial and emotional freedom. And that's part of the contract - These were the vows we had taken in front of the priest and hundreds of people.

 

Dear Shalu,
See,No DIL/MIL can adjust whole heartily! If you and MIL is one,I am happy for you!
Most of the DIL never complains firstly when she faces problem!
Majority of the DIL are adjusting and majority of the MIL wants her DIL to adjust with.
I wonder whether the word adjust is formed for DIL..lol

MIL can talk with her son,ask for money,sil can talk with her bro,mil can play with her grandkids.
You have to understand that,no women will come and complain on the first hand,when it becomes annoying/irritating what can she do? Its really hard to develop thick skin at the very start!

IMO,MIL is not a post to rule son and DIL.let them go free and live a life

 

Shalu, while I respectfully disagree with a few of your points in the first post, I just want to say that I understand what you are trying to communicate and I agree with you that DILs can ignore petty/trivial issues if it will help maintain the peace in the family. I have personally seen both sides of the coin (monster ILs as well as wretched DILs!) in my family and friends' circles...so I guess I understand where you're coming from. There have been a couple of times when I have almost wiped off the lettering on my keyboard trying to reiterate my points on this forum and still ended up completely misunderstood/misquoted! lol...if you feel that way, I hear you

Great to know you have a nice relationship with your ILs...I wish you a very happy and fulfilling married life. God bless.

 

Good Topic, just like Sad/painful TV serials:bonk to Comedy serials:rotfl

Coming to point, this topic is very complicated, as no two human beings are same, the toleration levels are also different, and here i am not trying to judge you,and you have right to express ur opinion, but considering ur background, of intercaste marriage and ur ILs family not forcing/asking you to change ur convert ur religion, means u have reasonable if not good/great ILs, if they never taunted u or ur husband regarding religion. Coming back to point, a person's way of thinking change with the circumstances/experience. In your case may be ur ILs are some what positive,, and u were positive, and everything worked out. In case your ILs taunted you from Day1(it can be anything, as sometimes parents agree for love marriage for some reasons, and they will show that frustration with small mistake of Dil), and you were a average person,, things would have been different.
So although your intentions were good, saying people should thing,, it might sometimes hurt some people who have written those Painful posts, who knows some of them are guinine,, although fighting wont take you any where, still not having freedom/being happy also wont take a person anywhere other than to deppression, after all we live or from a country where we read news everyday that so and so Dils are abused and killed, girl child are still not wanted.
Also i want to raise few points here, why all these problems are coming,

1. Our Marriage system, which gives all importance,rights to husband family, even though women are equally educated and earning, still no equal rights.
Women are getting frustrated here, after all they are human beings too.

2. Generation gap, now a days we see difference in the way of thinking even in the ones who are 5 years younger than us, then considering MIL's are 25-30 older than us, makes lot of difference. They think by their exp, as most of them are not so educated, they think differently,, some of them might not make sense to us, but its the way they think. As i am in USA, i will point out that the way one thinks changes lot more when you are in western countries,, sometimes what they are talking makes you pull your hair clueless.
but its their exp. For example, in olden days, women used to have jewellery, so that when she is old and sick, someone will at least take care of her, to get that jewellery. Some ILs are still in that opinion, but some Dils changed they would not take care for any amount of jewellery/money, instead they say had she been nice to me i would have taken care of her. Now how will you judge these two, both are right in their terms.

So, life goes on, until now i didn't see a perfect MIL or perfect DIL. I definitely have seen lot of cases where MIL is some what nice, and Dil doesn't acknowledge, same way around.
Also, people wont change by reading something,, may be they will to some extent and basic attitude of a person will never change completely.....

My suggestion to DIL's here, just vent out ur problems to some one and feel good about it, and try to forget it in few days, as thinking about unpleasant things will take a toll on your health, believe me stress is cause of most of diseases now a days. May God bless you All .

 

IMO just making newly married woman live with inlaws should be considered as abuse. Why would any one raise, educate and send their daughter to live with inlaws, I still do not understand. Many people are getting wise these days by having sons only. If inlaws are being abused by DIL why are they living with their sons? If they think they have invested in their sons it is more profitable if they don't get them married. Villains are not DIL but her parents who could not find a groom living independently. Married life these days seems to be really hard on some women with all the responsibilities like working outside and at home, adjusting with inlaws, keeping DH happy, these women need to vent out somewhere may be this is the best outlet for them.

 

Hi dear, now u said that ur post is about non-adjusting DILs, but before u mentioned why we always talk about pain in the forum. Your 1st post didn't say that it is about non-adjusting DILs but is says why always talk about pain and that is how the discussion followed on sacrifices, expectations, adjustments etc. etc. If u had to talk on nagging DILs then u should have started a post on that.
Your story is different from others and you don't exactly know what others are growing through unless u see them or they tell u. In the forum people talk about the pain and problems they face and we suggest ways to deal with them. How much they accept it or like it, it's on them. Similarly if someone is finding it hard to adjust and mingle with their ILs, or to accept their ways, it doesn't mean we can say them as non-adjusting or uncooperative. There are DILs who are bad, but if a DIL complains about her ILs or finds them difficult, we can't say that she is a bad DIL.
A MIL will always be a MIL and a DIL will always be a DIL. It's a two way relation and it depends on them how both of them accept and understand each other. A MIL does sacrifices for her son out of her own choices and similarly a girl's parents also do sacrifices for their child. It's on the married couple to decide how to treat both sides' parents equally. Problem comes when only wife is adjusting or taking care of things. In most of the Indian communities DIL is made responsible to her ILs and she is supposed to treat her family secondary. Then why won't a girl feel frustrated and annoyed with such discrimination? And DIL doesn't own her existence in the DH's house coz of her DH who is given birth by her MIL but out of her choice and her DH's choice to marry each other. Like her DH, she is also given birth by her parents and she should also be obliged to them like her DH! The problem comes when it is expected that DIL should be obliged to MIL for giving her the DH and the DIL should also treat IL/MIL/SIL as priority like DH is expected to treat them.
And as u mentioned of spending money and time by DH for his parents, many women have no issues if the DH is spending on his family or is spending time with them. Similarly a girl (who is earning) also wants to spend time with her parents/family and wants to get gifts for them, but how many of them are allowed to do so freely like her DH? Isn't she entitled to get some gifts for her parents who have given so much to her (like her DH is doing for his mom's sacrifices). Or what about interfering ILs who try to control every aspect of a DIL's life or want to change the DIL as per the requirements of their family.
Many people face these issues, and they try to find ways to work things for them. U are lucky that u got good ILs, but it doesn't mean that everyone is that good. And even if one has good ILs, still there are adjustment issues which go away with time and gradual understanding. And everyone needs their own space and peace of mind and the same goes for a DIL too! Everyone has their own way of responding and dealing with things & attitude of people. So labeling a DIL as non-adjusting is unfair for the reasons that she finds it difficult to accept to her ILs ways or cannot adjust to them and seeks advice on the forum. How can one form the opinion that she is the one who hates her ILs for being with her DH or asking money etc. or that she nags her DH for being good to his parents?
And as u said people are free to to form opinion about ur post to find it meaningful or meaningless, same way people are free to discuss their issues and problems (even if petty talks, money or minor arguments) with ILs/MIL/SIL. None has the right to label them non-adjusting with their ILs, as we don't know what they go through.

 

You stay in India my dear, I am surprised how come u don't know of female foeticide! No offences but either u live an ideal world where everything is good and nice or u are acting as if u really don't know!

 

Dear sbonigala,
Well said by way of your fb.Relationships are taking a beating for petty issues.You have spelt out all the points very clearly.Hope it is read by many and becomes an eye-opener!

Regards,