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my dad.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by aammi105, Mar 4, 2012.

  1. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Accept that your father is totally dependent on his new wife for everything. What good can memories do if one needs care in old age? You have to come to terms that your father has moved on, some men are very practical that way, they will not starve and weep for their dead wife!What else did you expect him to do?
    You also agree that you and bro practically abandoned him after your Mom passed away so he remarried for suvival. Whats wrong? You should make peace and not force him to remember your Mom , he did look after her in her last days.
    It appears that he did not like remarrying and was disappointed by his kids behaviour. You cannot blame him.At least you dont have to worry about him and are freely leading your own life.
    When a parent passes away the family structure changes. When both parents pass away then one has to put a lock on the memories and throw away the keys.
    Live in the present, make peace with your father instead of recalling old days.Try and visit him , he must be longing to see you.
     
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  2. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    He cannot put your share in your step mother's name without your consent. If you have not signed a no objection document, your share in property is still yours. If your SM is really cunning, she will try to sell the property. She cannot sell the non movable property without your consent but she can sell jewellery etc. My advice would be do it before she does it. Tell your father that you will invest the money so that they can get regular income because you believe that they need more money for expenditure than they are getting now.

    I think your father needs reassurance from you that you care about it. Why is he blackmailing you? He is remarried so why can't he live happily with his new wife?
     
  3. aammi105

    aammi105 New IL'ite

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    I like your frank answer !!..and i totally agree..you know as a women it is very difficult to accept the fact your dad is remarrying in this age.

    Well he did ask my opinion regarding remarriage..i was afraid in this age marrying will not solve the problem which he is looking for..you know most of these kind of marriage happens only because of money and what is the guarantee that she will take care of him??. And my fear came true now..I did begged him come and stay with me and i was even thinking of sponsoring greencard. and he doesn't like that I was thinking of putting him in a good old age home..if nothing works.now a days old age homes are not bad like olden days.-may be my thinking is wrong here !!..i don't know!!. I know most part of mistake happened from my brothers side.my dad has so much proud and arrogant behavior it's difficult for my sis in law and my brother to keep up with him. and my dad also knows that.he want to live on his own way, his own house.
    about longing to see me..i did visit this time after 6 yrs for few days..there was no affection or care from his side.I got a small baby..my step mom was complaining my baby is crying and she can't sleep and it's irritating her!!..and he was like a deaf person sitting and saying nothing..and she kept on indirectly asking for my all expensive items like watch, makeup items.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2012
  4. sanvi5

    sanvi5 Silver IL'ite

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    I think there is nothing much you can do about it now. Your dad is totally dependent on your step mom and totally believes her. Well as others have said stop worrying and just be happy someone is taking care of him.If possible as I said limit your phone calls to a minute or 2 that too may be once in 2 or 3 weeks whenever you feel like calling. If this is also causing a issue just leave him alone and find out through other sources how he is doing.
     
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  5. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    I know one such family where Dad remarried after mom's death. One daughter passed away another daughter married living in US. Dad married to a relative widow lady only, who is well known to be a money monster. Slowly that lady sarted to make him sell his properties that was his hard earnings of all his life, by staying away from first wife and kids. That lady made him sell property and take money and not transfer property just because, the daughter has rights on dad's share and it should not get into any issues though its his self acuquired.
    The Dad is kind of man, who looks like needed some one for company and to take care of him in old age. Though over all during his old age, he would be made to starve to death... or he wd be in streets soon. everyone knowing them know that this is what would happen. The daughter lives in US and is well settled and cant see some other lady in her mom's place, dad doesnt talk to daugther on phone in the presense of that lady... Daughter cribs so much, he is the only close blood relation that she has. Whats the use, daughter just loses her peace. Forgot to mention, he came to US after the daughter requested a lot to come during her delivery and returned back just with in a month or two as he would get upset everytime he called and spoke to that lady in india.

    Just accept what ever has happned, wrt to dad, you cant change him, your life is now your husband and kids.. on which you concentrate rather than bothering about your dad and his property or money he is shelling out on that lady.
     
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  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friend,
    It was easier to survive in old age when one had lots of kids !Your Dad knows that the lady has married him for money and obviously he cannot annoy her. Your visit would come to an end and he will be left alone again so he kept quiet and did not take your side.
    Believe me it must have been very dificult for him to see you in discomfort but he has made peace with his situation. So must you.
    He must be frustrated as he cannot do anything. Most parents are in the same position in old age and they cannot pamper their DDs as DS-DIL will get annoyed, her his new wife will not like it.
    Its difficult for a DD to accept that father is no longer able to take her side because its a matter of survival for him.
    Dont blame your brother or yourself, accept it that your father wanted his own home at all costs and he got it.
    He feels that this is the only way he will be comfortable in old age.Its easy for a man to remarry as money is a big temptation to some ladies, they dont mind an aged DH as long as he is loaded .
    She got the money and he is getting home comforts in exchange. So be it.
     
  7. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    To me marrying at this age is disgusting.He could have easily gone to old age home if he wanted someone to take care of him.I would cut all ties with him and will not even bother about the money.
     
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  8. aammi105

    aammi105 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your advice..makes lots of sense!. Can you please advice me how to handle conversation with him when it comes to money?. All he talks that he doesn't have anyone who helps him financially. he will not allow me to open my mouth or try to understand what I am trying to say!. Now he took my moms share(almost 10 lakhs..I have no clue how he did it..he took signature on blank paper from both me and my brother..since I stay abroad he was handling sale deeds for me and my brother and we totally believed him) ..he does get bank pension(10-12 thousand) monthly..got his own house , car still complains I didn't send him money. and he is complaining I took my share and didn't give it to him!!. Believe me I spent money when my mom was sick. I don't send him now since I am not working now , also my step mom use his money for her fashion, living for her comfort(like giving money for her family, marrying off her younger sis, joining expensive ladies club etc..). he has big plans like visiting USA (Not to see me!!..roam around usa!!..even after staying here years and years we never went for that kind of vacations).How i am going to take things like he gave all my moms jewellery to her..(it's all heavy old time ladies wear jewellerys)..she melted them or sold them or gave it to her family ..i have no clue!!..well cost of that jewellery is not much means to me..for my mom her widowed mom has given that..
    After all these still it's ok...i guess I have to compromise on ..and let go..still he is my father he took care of me ,brought me up and I can't take care of him in his old age.
    But each time when ever I call no loving words he doesn't even care about my kids!!..he keeps on going "your kids will not take care of you!..they will be like americans who doesn't take care of their old parents!!"..what to say!!.All about money!!..why he needs that much money in this stage of life??. all he talks about "Him"!!..how to handle this??.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2012
  9. aammi105

    aammi105 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your advice..makes lots of sense!. Can you please advice me how to handle conversation with him when it comes to money?. All he talks that he doesn't have anyone who helps him financially. he will not allow me to open my mouth or try to understand what I am trying to say!. Now he took my moms share(almost 10 lakhs..I have no clue how he did it..he took signature on blank paper from both me and my brother..since I stay abroad he was handling sale deeds for me and my brother and we totally believed him) ..he does get bank pension(10-12 thousand) monthly..got his own house , car still complains I didn't send him money. and he is complaining I took my share and didn't give it to him!!. Believe me I spent money when my mom was sick. I don't send him now since I am not working now , also my step mom use his money for her fashion, living for her comfort(like giving money for her family, marrying off her younger sis, joining expensive ladies club etc..). he has big plans like visiting USA (Not to see me!!..roam around usa!!..even after staying here years and years we never went for that kind of vacations).How i am going to take things like he gave all my moms jewellery to her..(it's all heavy old time ladies wear jewellerys)..she melted them or sold them or gave it to her family ..i have no clue!!..well cost of that jewellery is not much means to me..for my mom her widowed mom has given that..
    After all these still it's ok...i guess I have to compromise on ..and let go..still he is my father he took care of me ,brought me up and I can't take care of him in his old age.
    But each time when ever I call no loving words he doesn't even care about my kids!!..he keeps on going "your kids will not take care of you!..they will be like americans who doesn't take care of their old parents!!"..what to say!!.All about money!!..why he needs that much money in this stage of life??. all he talks about "Him"!!..how to handle this??.
     
  10. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    What do you mean by signing blank paper, never ever do that even it is your own parents, spouse or children. I don't find anything wrong in marrying someone at his age, these days with prolonged life expectancy he needs company. someone in 50s marry a 68 year old man, mostly for money and company. Even if you hire someone to take care of him it will cost him, you are getting a better deal if you think that he is not alone and don't have to worry about his health. Maintain distant contact with him, you are not obligated to help him financially since he has his own family. As far as American kids taking care of parents is concerned they parents support themselves with pension, social security and Medicare.
     
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