Do I really have an issue

See we can talk about the problem all our life...but what matters is..are you ok to just leave this as is and make peace with it? may be not!! as we are humans sometimes we wonder, we argue, we fight, we want to change things...we want to try...not once many times...thats what I was referring to...

Yes he may say no...but sit right infront of him and start playing the board games with kids....what doyou think may happen?

Or

you can totally try the opp way i.e ignoring him, not responding, just move away when he talks or there in the room...its like giving negative treatment to get his attention...though it may have other side effects, one effect which we want may be that he starts wondering why his wife n kids dont even want to see him or face him...may be you will have a ground to initiate the talk about his behaviour at that time when he asks you guys whats wrong and gets angry....

all these we can just try..because we want to do something about the situation we are in!!! its not mandatory.

if you are willing to make peace with it and mvoe on in life...as you have done till now...thats another way too....which ever sounds good for you or which ever sounds positive.

 

VGSR . I know someone very similar to ur husband. One major diff...he is very pleasant socially but cold as a dead fish at home with his wife,parents and kids. Why ...no one but god almighty knows. I know what u mean by a rude NO when your kids ask for something. I have heard that....and it stops u in your tracks. Such people are deliberately unapproachable.
I have seen the wife try a zillion things...She is a very sweet woman and I have known her for a long time...and from ur post I can see u have too....so I have nothing concrete to suggest to you. Just hugs and its rough to be in ur spot. I hope u find comfort soon.

 

vgsr,

15years is a long time. i know introverts slowly blooming to be more open talkative in marriages, but again it is also a lot of work from both the partners.

i believe, that somewhere, you accepted that is his nature, and have learnt to work around the issue rather than at the issue.

children take their cues from their parents..and here you girls have taken their cues from you. i don't say it is easy to change something that has been happening for so long, but you can definitely work on it.

People are not born family men/women. some find it easy, while some have to strike a perfect balance..in the process some falter and alienate their loved ones without even trying..but again it can be rectified only if the person is made aware of it.


would like to say more, but right now, have some work, will come back to see how the discussing has moved, and participate..

 

Very often we find ourselves in situations which are not conducive to our way of life, our preferences, our contentment. We have only three options in such situations: either try to change it, live with it or leave it.

You say you have tried to change it, but have not succeeded, which is also not an unusual happening. So now you are left with two options. As you say, your situation although not a happy one nor satisfactory in the way you want it has provided you with some very tangible advantages because of remaining married. You have found your way out for the time being by involving yourself with your childrens' lives. Your thought about what happens when you are faced with an empty nest is very valid. Maybe that is a very good reason to get involved with more activities and hobbies, so that you have something to fall on once your kids leave home, something that you can call your own and which will define you as a person.

Somehow the third option of quitting seems unnecessary right now, unless you are really miserable and want out. Better, I would imagine, to live around the situation than running away from it.

 

Hi vgsr,

First, a reply to your title question - "Do I really have an issue" - the answer is YES!

What you describe is exactly what I had faced most of my married life. The situations are exactly parallel! The discordant family life that he came from, not talking / interacting at home, 1 minute 'conversations' involving, as you say, 'to do lists'.....everything!

The issue, as I see it, is that he is not able to deal with his internal demons, his insecurity, his lack of confidence and in all probabilities his lack of self worth. I would guess that secretly he doesn't want to be the way he is - being unable to laugh or smile is a sure sign that all is not right with his world. Having faced the exact same thing - and happily, finally found a way around it - I can guess that you probably feel that whatever his childhood might have been like, he should at least be able to get over it and aim for a better atmosphere in his own home.

The fact that you have come here and also the title of this post tells me that (1) you have reached the end of your endurance, (2) but you are wondering if what is happening is the norm (am I the only one feeling that things are not right here?), (3) you are panicking that this is what the rest of your life is going to be like, (4) and you are scared how you will manage to live a life of loneliness once the children leave.

The long lonely days and nights with too much time to think taught me some things. I don't know whether these will help you or not but you can start thinking on those lines and develop your own solutions.

The first thing that really helped me come out of the gridlock was a decision I came to late one night - that 'I will not allow him to make me unhappy any more'. And without realizing it, it changed to 'I will not depend on him for my happiness' very soon afterwards. Though these two statements seem very similar, there is a subtle difference - the second is more positive and automatically leads to the next level - that I will be responsible for my own happiness.

The best part of the result was that once I made up my mind to be happy by myself, I found scores of ways to be happy. I really started feeling that the pressure inside my head was gone! And because I was no longer under the pressure of my disappointment with my married life, I could think of him with kindness. I could smile at him and let him see that I was happy to be with him. I could shrug and roll my eyes for the same 1 minute 'conversations'! Even more important, the feeling that I can no longer love him vanished. I discovered that I did love him in spite of his behaviour. And when I looked at him with unconditional love I started seeing the good things in him - which further helped me heal!

It is only my guess but I think he unconsciously recognized the lifting of the pressure of my emotions from him and started to loosen up. It was a very slow process but about almost five years from the time I made that first decision, today I tease him "are you sure this is you? And not some one else in your skin?" because he is so very different now!

And I am forced to wonder, could all the misery have been shortened had I realized that he is probably not geared to handle the pressure of some one else's happiness?

This whole process of learning to be emotionally independent is something I am very proud of achieving and I wanted other people to take advantage of my experience. So I started a series here on Indusladies titled "How to be happy in spite of everything". You might find something useful there. It is a do-it-yourself step-by-step for all those who are struggling in disappointing relationships.

And Oh! About the children.... It was always a tightrope. On the one hand I wanted them to love him and respect him and on the other it was so obvious that his attitude to us was wrong. It was a balancing act to manage the former while making sure that they did not copy his attitudes. He became the major topic of conversation with the three of us. On calm days I tried to talk about the good things about him - however small. We learned to laugh at his idiosyncrasies without disrespect. On bad days I talked about what he is doing wrong and made it very clear that I worried about them aping his behaviour. Seeing the way I took both the sides of his personality in my stride in these last years has helped them too.

You do have positives in your situation - no physical abuse, freedom to take your decisions.... I'd suggest that you inject humour into those specific irritating situations when he pisses you off - the times when his complaints are just to subjugate you. Smile inside and shake your head! Do not get irritated or upset and let him see that you are not affected. And be happy within yourself. Know that YOU are the strong one because inner strength is what has kept you going all these years - "Do I really have an issue" question after 15 years of this situation is enough proof!