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Advice for high energy, egoistic kid

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by aquarian80, Feb 26, 2012.

  1. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Give concrete cues to teach him how to express himself in different situations...one thing I do is ask the child to look up. "Do you see the ceiling? That means you are inside...and you have to use your inside voice." That gives a very concrete reference for when to use a loud voice. (if you can see the sky then he can use his outside voice...for eg on the playground).

    So if he gets angry and shouts, say something like "You sound angry. Take a deep breath and use your inside voice to tell me why you are angry." This way you are teaching him to calm himself (without saying don't be angry) by taking that deep breath (delays impuslive yelling), he realizes that your focus is on his feelings and not on his inappropriate behavior.

    It will take a while to separate yourself from the behavior but you do see a difference in how he manages himself.

    how is his muscle tone? Does he have age appropriate fine motor skills?
    does he get very busy (physically) and get over excited or does he manage most transitions well? Of course, a kid who is hungry, tired, or sleepy will not be able to make these transitions well...so discount those instances and look at every day activities...
    how long can he sit on a chair (not for computer time)?
    Does he switch from sitting to lying down position quite often?
    When you mention your concern about being hyperactive...what behavior brought that to your mind?

    Muscle tone regulates how we move from one position to another...in some medical conditions this is very pronounced...some children have very low mucle tone and are floppy. But even typically developing children can have low muscle tone...this shows up when they have to sit for a continuous period of time..they wriggle, slouch, reposition themselves constantly..don't know how much pressure to use when hugging someone, have difficulty with personal space, pencil grip is too tight, their body is slow and then moves into high gear too fast...(they end up being overstimulated and unable to calm themselves). Does any of this sound familiar? Does he seek tight hugs?

    Also keep in mind that the frequency of these behaviors is important.
     
  2. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Another way to manage the environment is to see how his day is structured. Transitions can be hard if they spend to much time engaging in one kind of activity. Typically school is a structured place...so when kids come back home they need some time for free play (free play is directed by the child)...but even free play can't be "do what you want for the next 2 hours."

    So if you develop a routine of about 30 minutes of active physical play, 15 minutes to wash/freshen up, 15 minutes for a light snack and 30 minutes of a sit down activity (puzzles, art, blocks, books)...the key in these activities is that there is no overt learning goal...just play (but invariably it will impact learning because this is where children practice what they've learnt-be it social, motor or academic skills). All this is unstructured play.

    After this you can have his study time-this is structured because you have set amount of work to do in a set amount of time and specific goals to target.

    Once this is done, set aside some time for relaxation...as it gets nearer to bed time the type of activities have to be less stimulating physically. A tired child who gets revved up will have a harder time calming down towards the end of the day. Have him help with dinner time and after dinner can come a routine of reading together or planning for the next day, etc...

    Daily routine is one of the most significant factors affecting a child's behavior, even though it seems so ordinary. The activities should always alternate between structured and unstructured, eventually leading to calm relaxing activities as the day ends. The planning helps prepare him for new activities, engages his interest and motivates him for other chores leading up to the fun activity.
     
  3. aquarian80

    aquarian80 New IL'ite

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    Thanks, will keep this in mind. Btw, i implemented the suggestion given by you i.e the talking in a lower tone and using please yesterday. Yesterday after coming back from school, he got into his hyperactive mode, i.e. jumping around, running around, sometimes shouting and jumping on the bed. Refusing to change his dress and wash his hands after coming from school. I was inclined to lose my temper but then i held myself(with great difficulty:) ) and told him to please stop jumping on the bed. He continued his over excited antics and i kept repeating "Please wash your hands". Eventually he got down and i continued with "Please wash your hands". Thus i got him finish his chores and settle down. Had i lost my temper, the drama would have continued till both of us would be left angry and screaming!! This is why i sometimes feel he tends to get hyperactive. There are phases in a day(like after coming back from school or even evening times after waking up after a nap, after coming back from evening activity class) when he just screams around, jumps around, runs around without paying attention or ignoring what we are telling him. We cant hold him to calm him also because he is physically active and pulls and drags till either of us get hurt. But other times he remains calm. But coming to your other question, how long can he sit ona chair, i would say at the most 10 mins that too in a doctor's waiting room:) otherwise at home he doesnt sit still excluding activities like watching tv, playing on computer, listening to story or something that i am explaining him, or when he has just got up from sleep and is sleepy. Regarding switching from sitting to sleeping position, that is not frequent.
    Yes, some of these sound familiar, like not knowing how much pressure to use when hugging someone, body is slow and moves into high gear too fase, reposition constantly, seeks tight hugs. These are familiar. Otherwise motor skills are okay. He tends to be clumsy at times like might spill complan on himself from the glass he is holding, trips and falls while walking on the ground(doesnt pay attention to stones etc on the ground).
     
  4. aquarian80

    aquarian80 New IL'ite

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    Thanks teacher, will keep this in mind. I feel i keep a lot of structured activities for him, like after coming from school, tv/computer time, lunch, sleep, evening milk, activiity class, homework, dinner, computer/story time, sleep. He does not want to take a nap in the afternoon but i force him because if he doesnt he gets cranky and is difficult to manage in the eve/night.
     
  5. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    There area couple of ways I give directions, especially when I ask the child to stop an action or to start something...
    I)
    This is my first direction. Please stop ABC. (I count one finger at the same time-visual cue)
    This is my second direction. Please stop ABC (Now I count out the second finger)
    This is my third and last direction. If you don't stop after this I will have to come and help you stop. (Count out third finger).

    Initially, the child resists and doesn't stop after the third direction. I just walk up and help the child stop. He/she has had ample time to process what is expected and I follow through with my role. I don't discuss it when it is over. I move to the next step of the activity right away...so there is no time for the child to resist or act out. The activity usually gets the child interested and there is no power struggle there. Once this becomes a pattern, the child usually learns to stop on his own.

    When this is well ingrained, I fine tune it a bit. I say,
    "Look at me .... (when I see the child's eyes on me) I want to see a first time listener. I want you to stop ABC." Then I wait. These kind of short phrases cue the child to focus on what is expected...when I say the phrase I highlight it with my voice...so that it stands out clearly in my speech. I don't raise my voice necessarily but a slight change in intonation will do the trick. This is called auditory highlighting and can be used to draw your child's attention to something very specific you want him to focus on.

    When you use these kinds of cues in your day to day activities (I use it for study time, mealtime, playtime...for every activity) the child starts to cut out all the extraneous information in our language in our redirections. (In school we can be very direct and limited but at home we have a tendency to talk a lot...otherwise it will be like living in a controlled envt all the time)

    II)
    When I give a direction to stop or start something an activity, I also include a time frame. For young children I use numbers...for older children I use a timer.
    So I'll say something like...
    "I am going to count to five. At the count of five I want you to stop. If you don't stop at five I'll come and help you." Then I count to five at a steady pace, count my fingers too as visuals and wait. If at the end of five the child doesn't stop I go over and help him stop. Again, my expectations are clear; there has been enough time to process and I follow thru with what I say. If he/she cries or yells, I say in my non expressive voice "This was a choice you made when you didn't stop on your own." Then I try to engage in the next activity.

    Similarly when I want the child to start I say,
    I am going to count to five. At the count of five I want you to start putting the books away (or toys). If you don't start, I'll have to help you." Same procedure again. Now it can get tricky and this where your comfort zone comes in. If the child doesn't start cleaning up, I say "I will start with this book, you go get the book lying near the shelf..." This prevents power struggles and usually the child starts to pitch in. Very rarely will a child refuse to participate when he/she is given a collaborative attempt. Sometimes you can get tired too...then you may choose to give a consequence.

    "Well I guess you don't want to clean up. That means you are making the choice not to do...(some planned acivity which the child likes/wants)."

    If you say this be prepared to stick to it-because once you back off, then your son is going to think, "Oh I just have to cry a little more and I'll get what I want." So be aware of your comfort zone, your time constraints, your family's together time, etc, and then select/state the consequence.

    For the physical high energy part you've mentioned...does he have the same level of activity at school? How does he sit and attend there?

    Try some of these and see if there is any difference:
    1) Prepare him for what he has to do as soon as he gets back from school-
    "When we reach home, I want you to do three things: first put your bag away, second wash you hands and third, sit at the table (for lunch). What are the three things you have to do when we reach home?"
    Guide him to repeat the three things he must do. When you near your house, repeat once, "Remember, you have to do three things...first...second...and third... Show me how you follow directions." (avoid be a 'good boy and listen' etc)

    When he follows thru with the three steps, recognize his efforts..."you did all three steps...or you did two things today. you needed help for the third. Maybe tomorrow you'll do all three by yourself." That leaves him an opening.

    If you feel verbal directions don't do the trick...you can cut out pictures of the three steps using google images and paste them on a paper...when he finishes each step, teach him to put an X next to it for that day...he doesn't need a reward for this...it is only a visual reminder of the three steps he needs to accomplish after coming home.

    Theer are also some physical activities which will help him regulate his body..but first, if there is a concern at school about his ability to sit, etc, then it might be a good idea to seek an assessment from a developmental OT. That person will give you a questionnaire called the sensory profile...it looks for patterns on how children respond to different kinds of sensory stimuli-are they under responsive or over responsive...and if any one particular area stands out more than the others... the intervention is usally through activities which target specific skills...

    will add more later...this is too looooooooooooong...

    Good for you that you worked on the please stop dirction...when I first had to use the strategy I was so puzzled...All I could think of was "My goodness these people really like to talk!" I am better these days...it does become ingrained in you:)
     
  6. aquarian80

    aquarian80 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Rama. I tried the preparing bit, before reaching home from school, i discussed with him the "process" we follow after returning from school, step 1, remove socks and shoes, step 2, remove uniform, step 3, wash hands and legs...etc I asked him to show his grandmother his process. He did them with me walking them through with him. Will try the same again.

    Regarding the count 1 to 5 bit, it didnt appeal to him. I asked him to start doing h/w before i finish counting till 5 and i finished till 5 and still he didnt start:) then i tried some other tactics like telling him that i want him to spend some time doing "his" work also i.e. computer games after doing "my" work i..e h/w. He then finished it in 10 mins:)

    Yes, the "please" talk after witnessing the most annoying thing u wud like to see is a real test of patience. Even if it gets ingrained in me, i feel where am i going to release that built up frustation:)

    regarding ability to sit, i am planning to check with his teacher if she has a real concern about his ability to sit, if he behaves the way in school as well. I will let you know on that. Btw, what is OT?:) his problem is he gets very excited when he is among people i.e with many kids his age(his friends) and when 2 kids start doing mischief, he too gets hyper with them and is not able to wind down.
     
  7. abarnakrish

    abarnakrish New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    As stated by you, your son has changed only for the past 15 months thats exactly when you carried your second son. So, he might thought Amma will give preference only for the new born.

    he shouts, or not washing his hands on a particular day... Only to seek your attention, just make him realise that he and kutti papa is same for you and he is going to call him Anna, and tell him that he is the one to teach him all the good habits and if you do things like this and papa will also do the same thing, and ask him if he wants to teach good habits or bad habits to papa. Ask him to kiss the little one daily in his head or on his hand. Just hug him and tell him that you love him a lot when he follows your instruction on the same time if he do some mistake tell him that you are very, very sad. He will definitely change. Don't stress him that he should come first in all his activities. Tell him he should do his level best and try to cultivate the habit of being cool.
    If you think he is having more energy, then put him in extracurricular activities. With grand parents they are treated as kings and not so with parents. We want to teach them all the good. Don't strain too much.
    If the younger one cries you will attend him immediately. The same he is expecting from you. Don't forget to express your love and affection. Tell him that we four are there in our family and our family is a "happy family" and he is responsible for this.
    Just a star in his hand is enough if he follows your instruction immediately. Tell him if you don't hear any complaint from his class teacher you can give him a small reward, a chocolate, ice-cream or a ball, once in a month.
     
  8. aquarian80

    aquarian80 New IL'ite

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    Hi there,

    I also used to think that and have implemented 90% of the methods that you have given here. I always give him cuddles, kisses whenever he is a good boy and always tell him that he is my first fav boy and then only comes lil one. also that he is the anna and shud teach lil one everything bit. also LO loves his elder bro a lot. gets excited on seeing him. also tried the star bit. but this method has lost his excitement. if i tell him i'll give a reward for no complaint from teacher, he gets stressed up abt it and gets upset even if teacher scolds him slightly.
     
  9. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    You son will resist the counting method..because it sets a boundary. If you use that strategy, you must be prepared to carry out the next step when he doesn't follow thru'..that is, physically helping him or you putting the activity away, etc.
    At some point it is a good strategy to follow because you eventually want him to following directions without too many 'back and forth' interactions.

    Remember one fundamental principle...whenever you start to set a boundary, his behavior will increase-because children (and adults) push the limits to get their way. If we give in because they shout more, then the next time we set a boundary they will cry a little more or act out a little more. It has worked for them once before, so why not now? That is the reason to be prepared to follow thru with whatever you say...so take your situation into consideration and then state your direction. For example, if your younger child is sleeping you obviously don't want the older one crying or shouting.

    Another exercise is to write down how often you recognize his appropriate behavior vs correct his inappropriate behavior. WE all think we are good at catching them doing the right thing...but when we actually keep tabs on it there is a big difference...we correct children or identify the things they did incorrectly far more...we don't do it to be cruel or to be punitive but it is our nature to rush to correct them to prevent mishaps, to minimise 'after shocks' so to speak. As a result children hear more often about their mistakes than when they did something right..this excercise is just to raise your own awareness...it leads you to recognize his positive efforts and he hears what went right:) That in turn will raise his awareness...he will be self motivated to act appropriately in similar situations.

    OT is occupational therapy. There is the developmental OT who works with young children...here they assess how a child processes the sensory stimuli he/she gets from the environment and responds through motor processes. In some children the needs are intense and more than one sensory mode is impacted. In others there is some level of difficulty in one modality.. The over stimulated kid shows up being too active but the under reactive kid will also need help-it shows up as slow transitions, under arousal during studies (unable to concentrate, etc). As with any other need, there is a range..from extreme difficulty to minimal problems. The reason for any intervention (even in the case of mild needs) is that it improves the quality of life. Typically OT is beneficial if the child gets therapy when he is young...developmental being the operative word. If you feel that there is a need (after doing the ABC chart for a week and such), then make sure you go to a developmental OT and not someone who works with adults (with stroke patients, accident victims, etc)

    While you think about th need for an evaluation try to incorporate some of these activities in your day. And observe to see if they help him be less stimulated. While an OT will be able to give very specific individualised program these are eamples of activities which we used in our class..they were not 'excercises' but were made into games in between activities.
    • Give him a heavy (for him) box or stool to pick with both hands and put away
    • pretend to wrestle...use a firm touch (he should get that tactile feedback)
    • Do you give oil baths? Then massage the oil with a nice firm touch...especially around the joints
    • Push cardoboard boxes around which are filled to make them heavy.
    • Pretend to push the wall with both palms flat against the wall...Now ask him to do the same with the soles of his feet
    • try crab walking...walking on all fours but with belly button facing up:)
    • Try wheel barrow-hold his legs for him while he walks with his hands...
    All these give a proprioceptive feedback to his joints...the effects usually last for about an hour...so practice some of these before studying, going to school in the morning, etc (any activity which involves transition and concentration) and observe if they help his over all self control.

    Have fun:)

    Oh,one other thing...I don't know if you read my other post...but Say NO to Food as a reward/reinforcement.
     
  10. aquarian80

    aquarian80 New IL'ite

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    Hi Rama

    Thanks for the valuable suggestions. I have started trying the exercises suggested by you. How much time should i make him spend on them? Will any one exercise suffice for sometime or does he need to do more than one at a time? Also, his main problem at school as i percieve is he gets very much excited on seeing other kids and starts getting naughty with them and doesnt wind down easily. Will these exercises if done before going to school help him to control this behaviour?

    Also regarding the OT, is there any indication when we should think of going to a OT? i.e. if his behaviour continues like this or worsens? Still confused on whether to go for OT or not!!

    I will also maintain the good behaviour points he does everyday. In fact he has a diary which we use to record his good and bad behaviour daily:) Thanks a lot for all the help and guidance you have given in this regard. I am going through your other thread as well.
     

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