Husband has changed

The husband is literally forcing her in the cooking part.But intimacy part , she can consider to know exactly what his needs are.

I think, this guy is just making intimacy issues bigger( instead of convincing the wife or improving things to make sex life better) just because he is not pleased with the cooking part .
So he is trying to make all the issues appear bigger in size.
I really don't know what to suggest you, but you can at least consider improving your participation in sex and see if your husband's behavior changes slowly.If he changes positively then you can have some hopes to make him understand the cooking part .

 

these eating habits should be discussed or atleast understood before marriage. Even in arranged marriages if a family eats NV and one fo the kid in that family doesnt eat it, and if this family finds alliance in another family who eats NV how can we blame the other family? she is newly wed...why was thsi specific thing not discussed before wedding...does she know before wedding that she is marrying into a family who eats NV and her husband eats NV....did she inform him before the wedding itself that she has aversion to NV and will not eat/cook NV? ...

I understand whatever she is going through is totally wrong ...but want to know the story of how she got married into this family who are into eating NV. Did her inlaws know well before that she doesnt eat/cook NV?

these are very simple things which could have not arose if only the bride and groom discussed things before th marriage. I want to know more about how her marriage was fixed/love and the proceedings...before I suggest anything.


OP first discussed about NV...and how NV issues have got bigger when her husband started making intimacy as another issue...I understand the way he is handling it is really wrong...but first issue started with she not cooking NV (first issue was not about frustration in intimacy (intimacy issues were started after 3 months of marriage...after he cribbed about NV issues...so lets not confuse all this is because of intimacy)...atleast this is what I understood from OPs post she can correct me If I got this wrong)

PS: no where I am saying he is right in what he is doing....at the same time I dont suggest that she has to start learning to cook NV........ I just want to know more about her situation thats all. This guy certainly is the abusive kind as he has taken his marriage issues out in the open and he is discusing them infront of friends and insulting his wife(if he genuinely is seeking help from his friends thats a diff. situation but mocking his wife and insulting her capabilities is wrong)....He also has to get checked by a doc , but he preferred to get only his wife checked...

 

I agree with SriVidya - why did the wife get married if she is veg and her inlaws eat nonveg. If this is love marriage, did you not know that husband likes nonveg?

If this was arranged, why did your parents not find out about the eating habits of the future inlaws? Something is missing here.

Nevertheless - I think the husband is acting like an idiot. Husband has been abroad for 11 yrs but I think he has no sense. He is acting like an uneducated person. If he likes nonveg, he should prepare it himself or order from outside. He should not force his wife, if she does not want to prepare it.

I am thinking he is putting on the cam so that he can monitor what she is doing. or maybe he is putting recorder on the landline phone so what she says on the phone, he can come from work and hear what conversation she had. That is so sick if that's the case

 

Sushma

Another question from me...why is the title of this thread..husband has changed? was he loving n caring and not wanting to eat NV and giving you time to adjust to the intimacy issues initially? or are you saying he was ok with you not cooking NV for sometime , but things changed only after he called your MIL?is that the change you were referring to?

 

I too like Sri, am wondering as to if this came up before the marriage? The reason being, if either of the partners has a strong aversion/liking of NV and the other person is the exact opposite, it helps to talk about this earlier.

OP,
You could try to make the masala?-- chop the onions, tomatoes and make the gravy, he can clean the NV and finish it up right? It could be sort of spending time together.
I feel that no one should be forced to do something they absolutely cannot do. There are somethings one can compromise on, somethings not.

• Insulting in front of friends, even if its meant to be a joke--not acceptable.
  Physical abuse---is a definite NO.
• And whats with the recorder?That shows lack of trust.

I don't mean to scare you--and not sure how others feel, but these look as red flags to me.
All said and done, will he be open to the idea that you treat him the same way?I am sure the answer is NO.

I think you should probably talk it out frankly with your husband--as to how you feel, and what both need to do to resolve issues. If that doesn't help, counselling might be a good idea, if he is ready to go with you.

Good luck,

 

I am wondering the same...and why shud op do something she simply hates doing? He is abusing her for no reason.

 

I love cooking and eating non-veg...but my pregnancy is making me feel like throwing up at the sight and smell of raw meat...I can only imagine how it is for you! Please don't force yourself to cook for someone who has fended for himself pretty well for more than a decade and don't allow him to make you feel guilty about this. I know men who love NV but are married to brahmins who don't cook, leave alone eat it, at home. So they eat outside in restaurants or ask for NV to be cooked when they visit close friends. (hosted one such couple just last week!) Your DH is just using this as a cover for some other issues that are running through his head...you need to find the root cause of this abusive behavior.

Make it clear that you won't tolerate any form of verbal or physical abuse. I don't think you can sort out your intimacy issues if there is any kind of abuse in the relationship. If he is open to counseling, I guess you guys can give that a shot. Hope it works.

 

I can feel how painful to cook NV when we are born and brought up to vegetarian family. We can't dream of cooking/eating unless for some reason like doc advised to have more nutrients to the body if a person is weak and lack nutrients by his vegetarian diet. That is up to the person to change.

But here the issue is husband wants wife to cook NV; that is too much expectation from him. If he wants to eat have it outside. Understand the feeling of other person. Marriage is the mutual understanding and feelings for one other.

Dear, what most of them are suggesting if you are not able to take hold on cooking and pleasing him try at least have a good intimacy. Atleast make some effort in bringing towards you through *** life.

Don't leave hope ; be more independent; sharpen your skills; forget about daily abuses if any physical don't hesitate to call 911.

 

What your husband is doing is absolutely not right. But in the short run you may have to learn how to cook some non veg just to cope with the situation. Maybe if you can buy pieces already cut it may be easier. But for the long run, it seems that the two of you are not very compatible. If I were you I would be looking for a fast exit. I think, now you need to discuss the problems with your parents. You will probably get no help from your in laws. If he gets physical call the police. Take pictures. Go to the ER. You can contact Indian DV organizations in your city for help. Also, the friends of your husband who are taunting you, they don't seem to be nice. Don't trust them. Do you have any other friends you can trust?

 

Don't jump to divorce conclusion yet. All marriages are not perfect, Infact no marriage is without any fights and issues. Try to work with problems not run from them.

Even if after trying hard to the problems, you don't get success, then you can think of other options. Don't be a quitter.