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My problem SIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Malyatha, Dec 31, 2007.

  1. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Malyatha,
    Your kind of situation has happened to my mother where her SIL (My Mamiji) has problems with my mother till from the day one when she entered their house.....and you won't believe that it still continues......
    The implications of these hatred feelings are really horrible in everybody's life.....whenever there is any occasion we will speculate some stupid things to happen....
    My mother has three brothers, both of her two younger bro's wife were very nice so do the brother's but my Bade mama and Mami (He is Eldest in the family) never could got well with us (none of us)....Now when we kids are married too, we kids have also no good communication with each other though we have never quarrelled.....fought...but their is a big gap between we kids too........and now even its spreading to our spouse and ILs......
    So, you see.......two persons could not get along with each other and there formed a chain and lot of people who has nothing to do with this got involved ........
    It could have stopped when at first it was started if either my Mom or her brother would have done something against spreading these hatred feelings by Mamiji........
    Here, we can't blame her as she was outsider........so, this also applies to ur case too.....
    Ur SIL is outsider and her mother is simply non-existent for you.......behave with them with good feelings as you do to some outsiders.......if you feel annoyed then u r considering them important for ur existence.........behave as if none of their activity will matter you.......let them comment......you know the VERY ACT OF NON-COOPERATION (MK Gandhi's principle) will let them have their peace of mind...... how long a person can blabber when nobody is there to listen.........they are saying so much because u r listening.......paying attention........ignore them........
    Take care.........
     
  2. soccermom

    soccermom New IL'ite

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    Hi Malyatha,
    Pl dont worry you are saving yourself a great deal of headache by putting lousy SIL in her place - these ppl never realise that the whole world can see their double standards & hypocrisy - they are like ostriches - thinking if they bury their head in the sand then they are invisible to others! Dumbos!
    Anyways from someone who is also saddled with a B#Q@^%&* of a SIL, lemme tell you tht if ur brother wants to, he'l make the effort to keep in touch with you maybe not immdtly but eventually & likewise you too can atleast talk to him now n then on the phone or when u meet in ur moms palce - I hate my SIL (DH's sis) but I dont interrfere if DH speaks to her, as I want him to be happy & he 's nice enuff not to force me to deal with her anymore so I like to reciprocate the niceness as :queen

    But you're still better off staying miles away from these sicko SILs who are always suffering from some complexes & emptiness that they want everyone else to be full of problems & complexes & sorrows like themselves , that's why they make life miserable for us as they cant see us happy & prosperous- Dont worry Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish,
    Feel bad for ur bro tho, but wht to do!
    Enjoy Life Lady
    Cheers:cheers
     
  3. rr99

    rr99 Senior IL'ite

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  4. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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  5. amoha

    amoha New IL'ite

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    Sorry Malyatha.. if I am responding to an OLD thread thats dead/out of your system. But I am curious to know how the interaction between you and your SIL is going after the HATE email you sent her.

    Did you ever talk to each other over the phone/ in person? Did you two ever refer to the Hate mail? How has she taken in it (right/wrong way) ?

    I have some problems not with my SIL but with a distant cousin of my dh (very close to my SIL and MIL) with whom he was supposed to get married, as spoken by their families during their childhood; but it didnt work out as my dh didnt like the idea as he grew up and (un)fortunately their horoscopes didnt match.

    I was thinking about sending her an HATE mail asking her to mind her own business, but was worried about its consequences later on. So wanted to know how did it go for you? its been 2 years already isnt it? Let me know..

     
  6. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    First of all, I disagree with the term 'HATE MAIL'. A hate mail is defined as "a form of harassment usually consisting of invective and potentially intimidating or threatening comments towards the recipient. Hate mail often contains exceptionally abusive, foul or otherwise hurtful language."

    Telling someone to mind her own business - esp. when it is warranted - does not make the communication 'hateful' or 'abusive' or 'foul'. In my case, it was a fact - where I live, how I live and what my MIL thinks were / are none of her business and she needed to hear that. It *may* have put her on the defensive and may have caused her to shed a few 'croc' tears (as someone else put it) but that's not my problem. When you constantly interfere in someone else's affairs and they tell you to butt out - tears will make no impact or difference on the situation and the bottom line remains - BUTT OUT!

    Now, coming to your situation, I do not know what your problem with this person is. As long as you are STICKING TO FACTS, and do not verbally abuse / name-call this individual, it doesn't make your communication a HATE MAIL. And why do you care how she will react to it? Who is she to you, anyway? If you are SO concerned about her feelings, maybe you shouldn't confront her. Frankly, by the time I got around to emailing my SIL, I was BEYOND caring whether she'd be hurt or not. After all, she didn't care about how I felt about her constant interference, so why should I have cared about hers? As for my brother - he had PLENTY of opportunity to set her straight and he didn't - so I didn't worry too much about whether he'd talk to me again or not. To give him credit, he did realize that his wife and her mother were interfering busybodies and simply told them not to meddle in my business anymore!

    If you are worried that your MIL / SIL will have issues with you, if you are more concerned about what others would think of you, maybe you're not ready to email and confront this relative yet. At the point in time where your hurt overwhelms your consideration for what "they" will say, then you can go ahead and shoot off your missive but make it plain, to-the-point and CIVIL. Address the issue in neutral tones and get it off your chest. Sometimes, people need to hear it from the horse's mouth to be made aware of what they are doing (or shouldn't be doing).

    As for us, yeah, she made a hue and cry over my email but got over herself a few months later. Our
    'conversations' are 'Hi, How are you, How is the weather etc?' in addition to annual anniversary / birthday wishes / cards. CIVIL, POLITE AND DISTANT. With my brother, it's more elaborate - he is MY brother, after all - but with her, it's not. Luckily, my MIL & her Mom seem to have fallen out shortly thereafter and even if they had remained 'BEST FRIENDS', ask me if I give a damn? But that's my nature, LOL. Big Laugh
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2009
  7. amoha

    amoha New IL'ite

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    Thanks Malyatha! I think I should wait for sometime before writing to her as she stays with her parents who live close to my dh's parents and sister (5 mile radius) and they do call/meet often. Well.. they are trying to get her married off and looks like there is some dosham in her horoscope that is standing in her way. She is also applying for lecturer jobs in nearby colleges as she has done Msc Physics or Chemistry and is also pursuing her PhD in the same field (which I hear is to kill time). I hope she would stop this nonsense once she is married / occupied.

    Since she was supposed to get married to my dh but that didnt happen due to the above mentioned reason, she has some ill-feelings for me. She keeps iterating what I have said and done during the early 10 days after our marriage when I stayed with my inlaws, and later on for a week or so during my SIL's marriage last year, comes to all possible interpretations of my words in the wrong manner and feeds it to my MIL and SIL. My SIL and MIL talk very frequently and they discuss and make the stories more colorful adding their derived interpretations too!

    And during our regular weekend calls, my MIL asks me and my dh if there was anything like this and I wont even remember the incident/ happening most of the times. My dh later on asks me if something like this happened and I just didnt want to talk/ discuss about it for my own convenience, and I will be out of my wits ends thinking how a seemingly nice lady (his distant cousin) can make stories like this and tell it to my MIL and SIL and what fun she gets out of putting me in this position!
     

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