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It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his back?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tugga, Jan 31, 2012.

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  1. Jan 31, 2012 #11
    Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Dear Sumitha

    Thanks for the post...

    I have all the bank details in hand now... Those days I was unable to access the acc... and more to that I didnt pay much attention to access it with the very little time that was left for my personal matters. Moreover I trusted him so much, so didnt think of this sort... anyways, now I have the statement in hand... The deposits, withdrawals (made by him only), dates and everything.

    The things is... when i compare the dates and the amount of money, it is pretty clear the money hasnt been spent on his personal stuff....Like purchase or trips... Generally the developments of my in laws shows it all... But how and why he has to use his own personal savings on his parents?
    Can a married man lose every penny of his savings (ours) on his parents luxury needs by putting himself under a risk of financial security? had it been a serious medical need of in laws, then it is agreeable.

    He is selfish for sure... then I think that why couldnt he use our money for his luxary needs and not his parents? How can he be selfless all of a sudden and lose all the money and then forget about it and then become selfish and normal mental state... Something is fishy?????
     
    Tugga, Jan 31, 2012
    Tugga, Jan 31, 2012
    #11
  2. Jan 31, 2012 #12
    kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Hi Tugga.. have been reading your posts off and on..
    just wanted to say that very often when we are in a tight situation maybe subconsciously the brain decides to muddle up the facts so that we come out clean... many a times we want to believe things which are actually fictitious..
    so maybe your Hubby is at that stage now.. you have stated time and again in various posts that you suspect your in laws of spending your money.. if that you gut feeling and as per the facts stated by you in the above post its very evident that they did indeed pressurise and convince your hubby into parting with the monies.. why he agreed and what they said is now very immaterial what you need to emphasize to him is that the deed is done and it should never occur again.
    men in general and maybe indian men in particular.. are very protective about their parents after marriage as they are invariably made to feel guilty for loving another person as much or more than his parents.. hence they do yield more easily into blackmail of all sorts.. in some cases its limitless and senseless.
    its good that you are talking and sorting matters out and he is listening.. keep the dialogue on and remember everyone errs none is perfect but not to forgive a truly repenting person is a crime too..
    hope you have a better understanding and this year brings for you all those lost moments of love..
    TC
    K
     
    kelly1966, Jan 31, 2012
    kelly1966, Jan 31, 2012
    #12
    1 person likes this.
  3. Jan 31, 2012 #13
    bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Dear Tugga, ever thought that your husband is not being selfish, but buying the love of his parents. His patents have rejected him his whole life, so maybe he wants to make them happy and contributing from your joint account may be a means.
     
    bebe, Jan 31, 2012
    bebe, Jan 31, 2012
    #13
  4. Jan 31, 2012 #14
    rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Nice thread, :thumbsup and a million dollar question asked by you, which is a question of in-numerous married ladies and which is unanswered since ages. A question on which many times many married women are always clueless, that why their husbands not understand what they do, why they can't see what they are seeing, or why they are ignoring such serious things which they can't or are trying so hard to.... :bonk

    Maybe its kind of human nature that we will always overlook the mistakes of our own people. Sometimes this husbands deep down know whats going on, but either they are in denial or they just don't want to accept that their family can be wrong. Its really good that your husband is now realizing and hope he don't fall in trap again and set his priorities right.
     
    rissy, Jan 31, 2012
    rissy, Jan 31, 2012
    #14
    1 person likes this.
  5. Jan 31, 2012 #15
    Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Ya bebe.. I am also thinking the same!!!
    He could have done this to buy all the lost love of their parents after knowing that they were behind money. So.. He did... and got the love back (although it was not a true care or love) and was happy and content with what he had (i mean the love, affection and care provided by MIL), hence neglected me as per their advises.

    1) Either he didnt want to lose them once again by disrespecting their words (that is to leave me)
    2) Or my love has become nothing to him compared to his mom's love

    Now, he might be acting as if he has forgotten, or seriously he must have done everything without giving a thought like this. So, it is now a very difficult question for him to ask...

    As Kelly mentioned,
    I will definitely forgive him, because he is still in my heart.. But before letting my emotions play, I seriously want to know what exactly happened with him when I was not around. If I know it clearly, then I can make sure to protect my self and family from the recurrent occurrings
     
    Tugga, Jan 31, 2012
    Tugga, Jan 31, 2012
    #15
  6. Jan 31, 2012 #16
    Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Updates - Now a days my husband looks extremely vulnerable. Its very sad to see him like this.. Either he is resenting for the bad happenings or in a self pity mode about his current status (jobless, no trust, no freedom).

    He was really a handsome guy, a well structured man and he talks like "I know everything" type confidence. He was so demanding, and threatening at times. Basically he was the leader at home. But today, he is like a looser!!!

    It appears in his dressing, hair cut, life style etc..etc... He looks so sad, and confused. He tend to forget things, and have no concentration at all. At this stage if he goes out for interviews, he will never get a job in his life. But he searches for jobs, preparing CVs and asking his friends to get him a post (even though it pays very less). I can understand that he realizes his mistakes and wants to correct them... But I still can not completely trust him

    I really have concerns on his mental status... He is not a strong person as I am.. So, if something goes bad with the series of tensions in our life????????? Am I thinking something unrealistic or what?
     
    Tugga, Jan 31, 2012
    Tugga, Jan 31, 2012
    #16
  7. Jan 31, 2012 #17
    deepa10

    deepa10 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Tugga,

    Your husband needs professional help.. He might have got cheated or he might be cheating you.. whatever but now he has to regain his strength to face his life.. So better go and meet some professionals to increase his self confidence, go for marriage counselling, do something to make him open up or do something to bring him back to his normal state. You cannot let him crib himself in his self pity mode, so try and get him some professional help.. Talk to him and make him understand the purpose before you visit..
     
    deepa10, Jan 31, 2012
    deepa10, Jan 31, 2012
    #17
  8. Jan 31, 2012 #18
    bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Tugga, your husband is depressed. Please stop comparing him and his nature to you. You are strong, independant, solution-oriented, but not everyone is like this. Stop searching for reasons, instead help him to get out of his depression. it is VERY hard on anyones ego, mans especially to see, that they are and have less then others. You need to build up his self-worth, rest will fall in place.
     
    bebe, Jan 31, 2012
    bebe, Jan 31, 2012
    #18
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  9. Jan 31, 2012 #19
    geethaprashanth

    geethaprashanth Silver IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Hi,
    Another way of excuse, when they are aware of earning the money, they will be also aware how they are spending, giving and investing money also.
     
    geethaprashanth, Jan 31, 2012
    geethaprashanth, Jan 31, 2012
    #19
  10. Jan 31, 2012 #20
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b


    Tugga,

    Would you tell me,give the situation and if your parents wanted something,wouldn't you want to support them???
    I know your parents are well off but imagine yourself in the shoes of your husband and that too just married and didn't know exactly about the future and responsabilites.Won't you give money to your parents if they asked for???
    During my pre -marriage days,I was very navie too and I didn't keep any single penny with me and I used to give all the money which I earned.

    Coming to my hubby,he is very careful person but when it comes to his parents it's totally different thing.He had given away 50laks worth of site just for the love towards his mother.(ofcourse he feels that it's his hard working money though).

    But anyway,what I wanted to tell is don't hang on to it.He must be very navie and didn't know much about life and it's not memory loss or anything.He just scared to agree before you.The way he talks to you,I can just tell he is just scares and he always says he is wrong.Doens't mean that he beleives the same thing in his mind.

    I can imagine myself in that situation.My husband used to be dominating person in initial years of my marraige,so whenever he point me for some mistakes,I simply used to agree for him for just sake of not fighting.Doens't mean that I beleive in my mind.So don't try to point and point his mistakes again and again.It's not going to help at all.Develop a mutual relation and mutual respect towards each other.Then only things will work out.
     
    Priya16, Jan 31, 2012
    Priya16, Jan 31, 2012
    #20
    4 people like this.
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