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India Trip to attend Sister's wedding --- Suggestions wanted to say 'no' to in-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by hydgrr, Jan 8, 2008.

  1. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted

    Hey, Jasmine,
    We all (most) ladies used to go to in-laws house at first once we reach india.........so did I. But you know, as "traveller" said that there are still much expectations from In-Laws side.........I would rather say from even your In-Laws neighbour will poke their nose about your short stay in In-Laws house.......
    I stayed for 10 days at my In-Laws place and 13 days at my place..........and the remaining days, we two families spent together like had family reunion.......parties..etc.....so it was like I stayed with my parents for 20 days and with in-Laws 17 days.........now all were happy including me................
    I would also like to tell that Husband should be supportive towards all this because I have seen that usually In-Laws use to listen to their son without any bad feeling but if you say the samething, they will feel bad..........so what for your hubby is there.....
    And I don't understand one thing that when you have to go to your parents place why should you need the permission...........rather you should inform ur in_laws abt this.......You are going to visit all of them....so make it clear that it's you who is visiting........so you should have your own priorities about the trip.........everybody whoever wants to stay with you/spend time with you they should come/accompany you...........(not talking abt elders who can't travel)........
    Make everybody clear abt your schedule from here to avoid unnecessary confusion..
    Have a nice journey...........lots of wishes to your Sis.......
     
  2. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted


    Hi Suji,
    No, I even used to woke up 3:00-4:00am in the night.........(it was my problem of jet-lag), then after finishing off my launch by 1:00pm, I used to sleep for 3-4 hours sharp in the afternoon...........and even in between I used to take short naps..........
    So, there was nothing like a routine schedule of waking up........
    Darling, it's your body and you should listen to that..........why didn't you tell this to ur In-Laws.........
    Anyways, take care.........
     
  3. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted

    Hi Hydgrr,

    Seems like you have a packed schedule. Can you ask your husband some more to speak to his parents? It doesn't seem fair that he is not saying anything because he is afraid of his father..but not worried about what you might get to hear from him! Hasn't he ever fought with his dad when he was growing up??

    Why is it that (some) sons fight and argue so much with their parents when they are teenage kids (for diverse reasons like coming home late, not studying, smoking, riding a bike, going out of town on a picnic etc etc) , but when a few years later they have wives, they become all holier than thou and say that they cannot speak up to them any more??

    Anyways, you have been married for 2 years now and as you said, you have a good impression with your in-laws. So its not like you are meeting them for the first time. Can you talk to your MIL and tell her that the marriage ceremonies will be taking place over so many days and it is difficult for you to come to Kakinada during this time. But you will surely visit them when you come next time.

    It is always better to be circumspect with in-laws. Because you have to deal with them all life long, it is better to set the expectations quite clearly in the beginning itself.

    I would suggest that you go to meet them AFTER the wedding and the pooja..simply because if they are too controlling and authoritative (which they seem to be), they might demand that you miss some of the ceremonies and stay with them...and when you are with them and in front of them, it might become difficult for you to say no. However, if you go afterwards, then they can't delay your stay much, because you have a plane to catch soon.

    Jasmine: Welcome to IL and for your participation...:) However, I don't agree that one "should" go to in-laws place first thing after landing in India. It is a matter of logistics and situations. Everybody does not have the luxury of a supportive husband or ok in-laws. When we go to India, it takes a few days to get over the jet lag. And if there is any important reason I have come to India for, it makes sense to complete that first, doesn't it?

    Also, doing everything the in-laws way doesn't always make them happy. If it has worked in your case, then I'm glad for you, but in general, in-laws are never really satisfied however much you try to please them. They will always find fault. So it is worth exploring whether it makes more sense in doing things that you feel are right and make you happy or to follow somebody else's demands (in this case in-laws) and end up being unsatisfied and bitter inside.

    Meeta: Like Suji, even my in-laws have very firm schedules for DIL's. They don't care (or want to hear) about jet lag etc or how tired you are. Mine used to wake me up early morning at 6 am. And after that you are expected to hold a pallu over your head and help all day in household chores..or if nothing, then to go and stand beside your MIL...in case she might need some assistance, you need to be ready for that. If you decide to help out on your own, it is frowned upon (because then you might be getting "too comfortable" in this house). Basically you are expected to run like a puppet to all their demands and not have a voice or opinion of your own. So really, going to in-laws place for rest and relaxation doesn't quite work that way for most people.

    On a broader level, some people mentioned in-laws becoming "in-secure" if the DIL doesn't go and stay with them straightaway. I find that so surprising...because aren't we all adults here? Why should the in-laws be insecure if their DIL wants to spend some time with her parents? What or why is the insecurity for?? Its not like its their son who is visiting.

    Just because the DIL is a girl, does not mean she has less attachment for her own parents and siblings. This need to control the DIL's actions and decisions...all it results in is resentment and bitterness.

    One should be accommodative but should also know where to draw the line..stop trying to please everybody...decide what you think is the best...and then follow that. You have to live with yourself, first and last.

    love,
    Aarushi
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2008
    sindmani likes this.
  4. Blondie

    Blondie Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted

    Thank God after N years of being married we (me & in-laws) have "learned" to have a peaceful co-existance.......

    Dear hyderabad girl ( i presume your id is an abbr. for this) do fit in 1 day in your schedule to visit your in-laws. If not for tradition, custom at least to show your husband that you do care for his side and have some common topic to talk about after your return.

    As Aarushi has suggested do it after the wedding and take a cousin along with you. I don't know how kakinada is social wise but just don't want you to be bored to death at your MIL's (even if it is for a day :)). Unless you knew them before your wedding, how are you to be interested in their affairs, extended family assuming that you never spent any time with them after marraige......
     
  5. Riz1

    Riz1 New IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted


    Priya,

    The best thing you can do is to include your in laws in your vacation as they themselves must be feeling left out , yu should go to you r in law place spend 2 days explain everything to them and ask them to join you in hyderbad, that why they wont feel left out and you can have best of both world
    good luck
     
  6. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted

    Dear Aarushi, you've said very well whatever i've experienced. as some of my friends always say, never set any false expectations. because there are some people in this beautiful world who will not be pleased by anything their dil does. and i've realised that one shouldn't let such attitudes spoil those few weeks you get to spend with your near n dear ones. that 'stand behind MIL and make sure you don't get comfortable at in-laws' ' is so so true. priya do be open about your plans... if your husband is afraid of confrontations i think you should go ahead and talk to your fil/mil and inform them your schedule. Latha
     
  7. Malathi1

    Malathi1 New IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted

    This need is probably long over. However the issue is an ever present one.
    No one should be afraid of anyone else in following something they need to do. Not a son of his dad, nor a daughter in law of her in laws, or a woman of her husband.
    Just think for a second why they are acting the way they are?
    1. Their understanding [or misunderstanding of] Tradition
    2. Their need to be respected & to stay in control
    = Their false sense of control over you by a misunderstood and misinterpretted tradition
    Just tell your husband in the friendliest manner that you'll definitely spend a day or two this time towards the end of your Indian stay and may be longer next time. Inform your in-laws in a loving letter yourself, that you wish very much to be present for your sister and are only granted a short leave which makes it impossible for you to spend the same amount of time with them as well although you wish you could. Reassure them that you'll make it up to them at another time. Invite them whole heartedly to the wedding. Then, without undue fear or guilty feelings go and enjoy the wedding. If after that when you do go to your inlaws you are treated poorly, just bear that with good humor but immediately upon return inform them that you felt hurt that in spite of your explaining you were made to feel badly and therefore you feel very discouraged from spending time at their place. You have to do the right things always and remain fearless of anyone while remaining friendly to the extent it is reciprocated. You define your treatment to this world, in laws and all ...so do it right the first time so you don't have to constantly re-do it, confusing others also in the process.
    Good Luck
    Malathi
    End of matter.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2008
  8. sreemu

    sreemu Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted

    HI hydgrr
    according to me i think u should talk to ur husband anget his opinion first let him know how u want to spend the time telling him maybe that u will visit ur inlaws first spend some time there but u would want to spend time with ur sis and parents and support and help them with the wedding preparations etc
    i think when u sourt it out with him half ur job is done then probably he can help u in convincing his parents or u talk to them and explain ur situation i think it might help u never know they might understand ur plight and support u its worth a try right
    its just my opinion andmy experience that many problems can be solved by talking openly rather than fighting in the dark
    sree
     
  9. vaidehi.sa

    vaidehi.sa New IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted

    hi,
    ur making a very short 12day trip after 2 years to attend ur sister's wedding & have huge plans to enjoy it nicely. this & this alone should u think about.

    regarding so many problems about inlaws, husband's not interfering to tell his parents etc etc shouldn't come in. dinlaws complain about mil,sil & fil & so on. this INLAW PROBLEM will never end.

    one must do what is right. place ur self in their place & see how u would feel. then do what u feel is correct. these things u shouldn't discuss as everyone will have their own way out. reading all these will make u confused & make it difficult to decide. So think & do what is right according to ur inner conscience.

    one thing more remember that ur inlaws rur husbands parents, what he is is because of them-- they do deserve respect on that account. but if they r unreasonable give them the respect-- but be cool.

    no use spending hours brooding about these issues & making ur life miserable. this is my idea & how i have dealt with in my 58 years of life( married for 33years) life is short. we have all our problems, dont go on thinking about issues & blow them up & loose ur peace of mind. 12 days will fly in no time make it worth while for u & everyone around u & leave a good impression on one & all. then ur on ur own till ur next visit-- may be after 2 yrs

    hope u agree with my views. if not let me know urs
    god bless u
    vaidehi
     
  10. rupa94

    rupa94 New IL'ite

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    Re: India Trip---Help wanted

    Hi,
    My hearty congrats to your sis.

    I truely understand your feelings & also ur situation. I feel the best u can do is to ask your to join you in ur parents place ( if theyr in good terms) so they have a chance to spend time with you.

    ALlthe best
    do letus know the about the marriage
    rupa
     

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