IHow to handle a Verbally Abusive Spouse?

1Sandhya · Jan 3, 2012

So what if you have no GC and cant work? You are not in a jail, woman. Go out and make friends. Go to sai center or temple regularly and slowly find another woman or couple to be friendly with. Or find some friend in the park with a child the age of your child and slowly become friends. Go to park regularly with your kid. Slowly you will make friends. THe more you go out and become socially active, the less he will bother you. Such people know they are doing wrong, and will be scared you will tell your friends about their behaviour. So dont show he hurt you -- he likes that or it encourages more bad behaviour. brush it off and dont feel it in your heart like what is wrong with me, why this is happening etc-- nothing is wrong with you, this is his problem, so he needs to deal with it, you just show you are not going to tolerate it by cutting all talk and unnecessary interaction to minimum, just do bare minimum housework which is your duty, take care of house and kid thats it, be cold, dont talk to him -- show you will not forgive it if he misbehaves again by your actions, not empty threats. Once you make friends, talk to them or your family regularly. Hopefully things will improve.

JGVR · Jan 3, 2012

my suggestion would be to move out of that place as soon as your H starts to call you names.tell your kid that those are bad words in front of your H and take her away saying she is not supposed to hear these things.this will initially lead to lot of fights and arguements but be persistent,soon he will understand his mistake.

unhappywife · Jan 4, 2012

Dear ILs,

Thank you very much to each and every one of you for posting your valuable advice and suggestions.

Thanks for all the new year wishes. I felt very happy to see a wish from you'll. Because my husband didn't even bother to wish me. I didn't have a single friend here to call me and wish me for new year. I felt much better reading your posts.

I can go to temple but don't have the energy to control my running 2 year old. My husband hates socializing and doesn't want to interact with any family. Even if his friends invite, he won't take us to their house unless and until its a very big occasion. So, no parties or get togethers. But he has people to interact at office. I am sure I will get a chance to work in the US some day and will get friends. Today i went to the library with kids but couldn't even say a hi to anyone nor anyone was interested. Kids were running around and I had to run around behind my 2 year old..

This time i didn't apologize for talking back and abusing his parents. Neither he apologized. I just left it here. Like one of you'll said he will realize and get it back from god some day. Thanks all.

winpie · Jan 9, 2012

Dear UW,

I have been on IL for a few years now and read several stories like yours. It is really painful to see so much unhappiness and each time I read the stories I wanted to hug and console each of these women. But that is not really possible. The only thing we can do here on IL is sympathize and support.

With a wish to help unhappy women, I started writing a series of posts called "For all unhappy women - how to be happy in spite of everything". All the things I have found to be useful to rise above my own misery is written there. In fact, if I started saying something to help you cope with your unhappiness, I would again say the same things that I said there. So, instead, I have given you a link here. I hope it helps you find happiness in spite of your situation....

jmsd · Jan 9, 2012

Hi
I think we have interacted before also.
The kind of situation that you have highlighted is absolutely unacceptable.
You have to convey this to your husband actively (by talking) or passively (by refusing to talk or do things for him).
You are very scared inside.Get over your fears.Tell him that you want to go back to India with kids if such behavior continues.He might get intimidated by such a statement and improve.Or tell him that you are going to highlight this behavior of his to his kin and relatives back in India.

You have done the right thing by answering him back.Do not try to reconcile with him this time even if he remain sullen for weeks .
I know its hard but the long term effect of this will sure be good.

Also I have a little piece of advice.Stop getting into arguments and watch your temper every time an unpleasant situation arises.I know since you are living alone with an abusive spouse and two kids it's difficult to control your frustration.But give it a try.I will surely benefit you if not your relation.