Interfering or caring SIL ???

spap · Jun 9, 2009

I need help with handling my SIL. Am I doing the right thing?

My husband and SIL are very very close. He respects her a lot. I have no problem with that as its very natural. Before marriage he used to tell her everything.. they will call each other every hour etc., I don't have a problem with that either. Initially she was close to me also. I used to call her often during the day and yes i told her everything also. Things were good for sometime. Then she started talking behind my back to my husband. And my husband too got involved as he was very close to her.
Thats when I realized her true colors. I did confront my husband about it and he as usual defended her and that pissed me off even more.

She interferes in our life a lot - atleast thats how I see it.
She wants to know everything happening at our end. We should seek her advise and my husband does that also. She would be first person to know anything about us.

Some examples :-

1. I couldn't get a work visa when I was in India. But she and in turn my husband made a big deal out of it even though she didn't get it when she came here. She was saying things like i know people get it, she didn't try properly etc.,
I think she shouldn't bother about whether I work or not. Its my choice to work or quit.

2. She wants to know how much I spend to call my parents every month. Initially it was little high and she was telling my husband that its too high. ask her to chat etc.,

3. Even if I buy something she will ask 100's and 1000's of questions as to why I bought this, why not this, and how much does it cost etc.,
Take for example - I was planning to buy a mixie and grinder from india as the ones in US didn't work well for indian cooking. She has all that herself but she wants to know why i need both , why can't I manage with just a mixie or grinder.
she bought it 5 years after coming to US and why am i getting it within a year.. IMO, she shouldn't bother about this as she is not going to pay for it nor is she gonna bring it for me.

4. We were trying to get a car and she started giving suggestions. It was ok when it was just suggestions. But even if we say we like this one and this $xx, she would start saying why are you spending so much and why not look for older cars etc.,

5. When we search for apts , I have some criteria like washer dryer , dishwasher, a recently renovated apt so that i won't have bug problems. ofcourse these will be little costly and she will 'advise' to look for cheaper ones. but she herself has a two storied home with everything. Even for things like coffee table with side table, she would ask questions like why do u need one now?

6.Even when I got a job, I was instructed by my husband to send the offer letter for her to review. I have to ask her help in finding an apt as she was in that state. I would have done that but within a day she made a big issue to my in-laws that I didn't ask her anything. It was just one day since i got the letter. I didn't even think about apts at that point and my in-laws called and advised me that I should seek her help. It irritated me even more and I distanced myself from her. To others she is a overly caring SIL but I see her as overly interfering. She crossed the line between caring and interfering long back.

Initially I used to answer all these questions but after I came to know that she is not as good as she poses to be, I am getting irritated now.

Now do you all think she is caring or is she interfering? Am I at fault here in thinking that she is interfering a lot.

Sorry about the long post.. Appreciate our replies

Drpreethis · Jun 9, 2009

I dont know about the ' care ' part.. Because the definition of care could be different for her and me ! But if you feel she is annoying and interfering, be it so ! Learn to play her well ! You have experienced it much better than any of us can imagine isnt ? So, when you feel it is irritating snub her. Do not entertain at all.

Dont bother about wether you are at fault by doing so as per others.. Do things, as per your mind. You are angry, slap her !

Between me and you, I hate people who give free advise unless asked for too ! I convey it to them outright but laced with lott of humor ! Leaves them wondering wether they have to laugh at the joke or take me seriously !! :thumbsup

Priya16 · Jun 9, 2009

if she is not married or don't have any BF,first find something for her.Then she will be busy with her life

Rihana · Jun 9, 2009

Aren't these kind of "helpful" relatives or friends irritating? Whether on our side or in-laws side doesn't matter. I know what you are talking about, and I am sure many others can relate too. If we plan a trip to India or even Europe or another city in the U.S., if there is anyone my in-laws know there, we are expected to get in touch with them, before we go, when we are there and seek their advice about what to do when in their city. So many times we get very good deals for air tickets via Mumbai. I avoid them just so we don't have to deal with people my in-laws know in Mumbai. Even if we have just 6-7 hours in the airport at unearthly hours like 2 am - 9 am, they expect us to meet them. Anyway, you didn't want to hear my rant, I am sure, you are looking for solutions to your own problem.

Let's see. Rule out any solid help from husband. At least for now. Do not complain or nag about it to him, or he will dig in his heels even more and it will get hard to break this habit of his.

Start with issues or conversations that are directly between you and her. How can these be handled? You know best. It will come if you sit and think with a calm mind and not in the middle of the latest tantrum from her. Here are some suggestions: When asked to call her and seek advice, reply with "Oh, but she must be so busy, I will ask her later" , "Oh, I have already bugged her so many times...", "Yes, I will" and then conveniently forget to seek advice. When asked why you forgot, have some excuse handy like "Yes, I was myself so confused"... If they say that you are only making excuses and didn't really want to seek her advice, just repeat whatever silly reason you said earlier, don't get pulled into a discussion of why you don't want to seek her advice. Repeat till they give up, and don't get defensive. Stay calm, till they feel they are hitting their head against a brick wall.

Another option, seek her advice, but do what you want. Have a fullproof reason for going against it and phrase it properly - Like, "I really wanted to do what she suggested, that was the best thing to do, but <......> happened, darn it."

Are there any times when you husband got pissed off at her advice? He may not have openly expressed it, but did you get a feeling that though he usually seeks her opinion, in this case, he was irritated? Keep an eye out for such incidents, and casually bring them up in conversation without unduly putting blame on her. After a few such, he might himself realize.

Last idea is the ideal one. You sit down and talk to husband, and tell him, "Look dear, we are husband and wife. Married. One unit. We present a united front to the world. We take our own decisions after due research and live with the consequences. This is best for everyone. We only take advice from others if we actively seek it, and not by default". Is your husband the kind who will listen to such talk? Do you have a relationship where such issues are frankly discussed or are his family accorded God-like status and can do no wrong? Do you trust yourself to start such a conversation, and stay calm throughout it, as getting defensive and worked up will make the problem worse. All these questions are for you to decide.

You may already have read her a lot about such interference from in-laws and about husbands who don't know where to draw the line. It is cold comfort to know there are others suffering similarly when you are dealing with the latest episode of "consult SIL", but nonetheless take heart from the fact that you are not alone.

Best of luck,
Rihana

depressed · Jun 10, 2009

Dear Spap,

When we give too much undue importance to a person in our life once or twice, - She/he will demand the same importance again and again, for the rest of their lives. Your SIL is like that.

Just because in the initial stages of your marriage, you gave her importance, now she wants to get that importance again and again-hence those un-called for advice from her.
Also some people are insecure about their age-if they are older than you, they feel that it is their right to "show you their maturity/age" by giving free advice.
Some people are plain insecure- they want to stay one step ahead of you-they think that by giving advice-they are showing that they have got certain kind of " wisdom" that you don't have.

People who give "unwanted" or "uncalled for" advice or "repeated/ routine" advice, have a personality disorder problem. They cannot communicate with others by means /methods other than giving advice.

Anyway, the best thing to do from now on is -minimize contact with her- Do not discuss anything in details with her. Do not tell her what you are up to or what you are doing these days. Do not give any news about your family[ mom-dad], your mixie, your dress, etc. to her. If you talk with her-BE VERY FORMAL-talk about the weather or a book you have read- discuss nothing personal at all. She must see a change in your personality- You have to transform yourself from " Hi sis how r u ? " to " The weather is getting unbearable , isn't it ? "-
When she asks anything personal-say that "you don't know" or say "you have not thought anything about it". Cut the conversation short. And simple. or simply be silent throughout the conversation.

No one can force you to seek her advice. The more formal and cold you are towards her, the more she will stop giving personal remarks.

WHEN SHE WILL NOT GET ANY INFORMATION ABOUT YOU, OR ANY PERSONAL DETAILS FROM YOU-HOW CAN SHE GIVE ADVICE ?

Also do not give her importance. You should not even think about her existence. Do not discuss about her with your husband. Let your husband and his sister talk/do whatever they want.

thanks,
NOW HAPPY

supraja · Jun 10, 2009

Dear Spap......

many of the ilities faced few sutivations like this..............the best way to deal her is

dont call her /avoid her calls .....as our Ilities said even if talk be very formal......

Make u r Husbend understand thet she is involving more in u r family matters...for exp : its non of her business that if u call to u r parents but still she gives u suggestions.....

dont let any information go to her ...

be calm and sort out the problems

I totally agree with depressed and Rihana.........

spap · Jun 10, 2009

Thanks to everyone for your valuabe suggestions. I have reduced talking to her. But still my husband will tell everything to her.. I am ok with whatever crappy advise she may give as long as it's not me who is hearing it..

I hope she realizes that I am not interested in listening to her advise..

anjalika400 · Jun 17, 2009

As far as my case is concerned, i have stopped receiving my sil's calls .Neither do I call her (I hardly called her on my own unless there is something I have been asked to convey her). I love my piece of mind and I found that is the best way , not interacting with her as much as possible.My DH knows why I don't want to hear her voice . I of course inform my DH whenever she tries to call me and ask him to call back and check if she has really anything important to talk about, but not me.
My DH never insisted me to talk to her as he has seen before that how I freak out and get irritated over every mere thing after talking to her.So I said quitely that if talking to her is ruining my day and that in turn affects our relationship because I don't have the mindset to argue with her over any petty things,but as I get upset, I throw my tantrum on you for little or no reason which I never do normally.I can't let it happen. So this is the best way.

About taking suggestion from her:you can directly tell your husband that after all you are an adult who is matured enough to get married and take care of her family and job. So why do you have to depend on someone else's suggestion as you are confident to do things your way.Even if you do some mistakes , that's how you'll learn how to do the right way.Certainly everyone doesn't have their SILs or BILs to give away free suggestions . How are they managing?And even if people are giving suggestions, it is their personal opinion. You are the best person the decide factors from you own perspective at the end of the day, no one else can dictate you what is best for you withing stepping into your shoes.
Ask you DH as if he will be okay if someone else decides things for him as to how to do a job at work, how to pay bills or someone gives him advise regarding how to socialize with others or how frequently he should talk to hid sis or parents?
Everyone needs their own space.

spap · Jun 18, 2009

Thanks Anjalika.

Yes. I have stopped calling her and she doesn't call me either.. But I am sure she would be talking all bad thing about me to my in-laws. Well, I dont care about that anymore. I used to care a lot about what they would think about me but they really don't deserve that respect.

My husband is very close to her and I think she will give all sorts of advice to him. Again, I wouldn't bother about that unless it affects me.
As you said, I am not going to ruin my day talking to her. I have much better things to do.

I sincerely hope she remains this way.

deepshikha · Dec 6, 2011

spap, how close is your husband to you? Does he force you to talk to SIL, or in anyway suggest that you need her advise in everything? If yes, then it's your husband you need to deal with first. he needs to get closer to you than your SIL. being a wife you can very easily do this.

If your answer to my above ques is no and your DH has built a good bond with you then all you need to do is ignore your SIL and perhaps stop talking to her.