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With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out.....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Tara09, Nov 3, 2011.

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  1. Nov 9, 2011 #51
    monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    I have tried all this. Yes, it works. However, the fact is even if you are able to make them mad, it doesn't do you any good. It cannot take away the pain that you are being deprived of your own life.
     
    monita, Nov 9, 2011
    monita, Nov 9, 2011
    #51
  2. Nov 9, 2011 #52
    Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    Hugs to you! You are facing the same thing as I am each and every day.
    As you said it right, it is difficult for people who are not suffering with ILs to understand the pain. And moreover living with that kind of ILs day in and day out......UGH!!!!

    Now, simply if you take my whole case. From whatever angle I try to see and judge and sometimes I imagine myself as a completely 3rd person, a total stranger, kind of outsider who is weighing in all the facts known to the world and some unknown ones, which only I am aware of since they are my inner feelings.
    You can call this kind of self-introspection.

    On the whole I find I was a loyal and caring towards the family. I see myself being careless sometimes in my chores or spendings , but would correct myself only for the sake of familys welfare and always had family on the forefront of my mind.
    Never have I thought of taking advantage of my husband or his side of the family. Many a times I wished I shouted at my inlaws and asked them to leave me alone but kept quiet only for dh's sake.

    Even at this age if they tell me to do things as you would tell a 10yr old, that disturbs me a lot.

    A woman holds a job or not is entirely up to her and her husband and should not be dictated by anyone and everyone. But in our house, it is the PILs word and I agree since we are allowing it to happen so it happens.
    Neither I am diplomatic, nor direct, to deal with this situation.
     
    Tara09, Nov 9, 2011
    Tara09, Nov 9, 2011
    #52
  3. Nov 9, 2011 #53
    crazymom

    crazymom Gold IL'ite

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    I work and make good money then also my IL's tole me that to achieve my career I used my husband! They think everything changed only after I came from India and they helped this poor girl! Well, I was earning good money in India at starting stage of my career, at this time with the same job in India I would be earning more than FIL is earning right now.

    As PP said just listen and do what you want and they will get mad, let them. No matter what you do, you are never going to be enough for them. If you get job, they will find something else! Just be happy....Life is short enjoy whatever you have.
     
    crazymom, Nov 9, 2011
    crazymom, Nov 9, 2011
    #53
  4. Nov 9, 2011 #54
    Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    "Life is short, enjoy whatever you have".......that is soooo rightly said.....!!!!....crazymom...Thanks!

    Sometimes I feel I should just not care what they say and most of the times I feel fine but it is sometimes that their words keep ringing in my ears and it is hard extremely difficult to concentrate on anything than feeling remorse. I am not able to overcome that.
    My inlaws always compare us with my dh's brother who also lives here in US and who is very well-off financially.
    The recession has no effect on them unlike us. The thought of my BIL hardly ever crosses my mind till inlaws make sure I hear them well. I am happy that BIL and family are doing good and have nothing against them. I am only bothered about my family but inlaws want me to think high......Accdg to them thinking high is trying to match up with BILs family.
     
    Tara09, Nov 9, 2011
    Tara09, Nov 9, 2011
    #54
  5. Nov 9, 2011 #55
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    You know what Tara,

    my father,when we are small.He never compared him with his brohter nor we did.But today even though me and my sister doing ok but still they wanted to do compare.It's not that they do on purpose.it's kind of time pass or unknowing intention to them.I know,if the parents do we can ignore but not with in-laws.

    So don't pay much attention to there talk.The talk mainly because of there immaturity.They feel,everyone lives in America have lavish life.They don't know that we also need to struggle like them how they struggles when they are young.

    Anyway,it's just a few months.As I said,do more exercise.As long as your hubby doesn't get effected by these and you both have good relation that's all matter.If he also get effected then where you loose mental peace.
     
    Priya16, Nov 9, 2011
    Priya16, Nov 9, 2011
    #55
  6. Nov 10, 2011 #56
    Saumyamom

    Saumyamom Silver IL'ite

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    I think you have to find a way to tell your MIL ..STFU..Sorry but her BS that you wrote pissed me off .If they nitpick you a whole lot don't hesitate in saying 'Its my private matter and I dont wish to discuss it with you " .. I have tried it and it worked! Like others have said if you feel like being at home by all means be ,enjoy with your kids ,volunteer at their school if you feel like ,whereas if you want to work then may be think of finding out channels that you havent tried so far to get it,if VISA is not an issue ..sometimes I think if its not for these ILs we would miss out on very important lessons of life which is " How to handle and tackle nuisance-makers"..:-D
     
    Saumyamom, Nov 10, 2011
    Saumyamom, Nov 10, 2011
    #56
  7. Nov 10, 2011 #57
    monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    I agree with you. However, I wonder why we Indians insist that parents/ILs should not do any work and just take rest. In olden days, elders used to spend most of their time praying and in other religious activities. These days, even that has changed. Elders are just not interested in spiritualism. They just want to be involved in their children's life, which is wrong. Basically, because they don't do anything, they have all the time to think and find faults and nag. This is certainly not healthy either for them or the DIL. But sadly, this is the accepted norm in modern Indian culture.
    This is another thing that I am unable to understand, why is the DIL expected to be mature but it is acceptable that ILs who are much older and experienced behave in an immature way.
     
    monita, Nov 10, 2011
    monita, Nov 10, 2011
    #57
  8. Nov 10, 2011 #58
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    I think lot of issues because of this globalisation.Our elders are not prepared for this globalisation and they were are unconcious state to deal this one.

    there are different familes and different people.It's not that all In-laws are immature nor all DIL are mature.This OP case is like that.

    And another thing,suppose if we live in Isndia,in-laws don't come and stay for 6months.Typicallyt they visit here and there and also not many expections of living in other country.

    They come to live in new country and they imagination is totally diffrent than the reality.And also no people for them to gossip nor daily house chores to struggle.

    one of my aunt came,she didn't satisfy things we showed around house.Her mind is searching for things they show in movie like big big buildings.She doesn't know they only take shootings at famous places.
    At the end,she didin't get satisfaction of she visited USA.Her feeling,we didn't show her enouggh :)
     
    Priya16, Nov 10, 2011
    Priya16, Nov 10, 2011
    #58
  9. Nov 10, 2011 #59
    Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    It is not that they will go after 6 months or so. They want us to extend their visa and stay longer. So, thats that.

    Another thing is we are the ones taking them around and showing places though north-east is new to us too.
    And each time we go out they will willingly go and see and enjoy but they have to comment like this..."you guys spend too much, be careful, you are on one income unlike your brother.....their life is much better.....DOUBLE INCOME...You see!!!!.............blah blah blah......

    I am like this in my mind.......Hey! even with single income we are bearing you. Where is your double income son???.....he never even invites you to their house!!!!........

    It is so disgusting and frustrating....we dont even have the satisfaction we took them around and bought them something when all they do is compare.....

    I cannot express in words but sometimes it really hurts too much with their talk, their expressions and their remarks.

    And the best part is they brag and call themselves "non-interfering inlaws" and talk about other relatives who interfered and spoilt their son's family life etc etc......

    My MIL is always like this....."It is not my issue and I dont need to say anything in this but what I would do is.....blah blah blah blah..............."
    And then she expects us to do what she would have done!!!!!...........
    My FIL is just a joru ka gulam/henpecked guy who nods his head for anything his wife blabbers.

    He even told me one time......though a long time back......"You have the best MIL in the world and your mil is not like other women".
    Now I think.....yeah! I see that!!!

    I dont know if it ever happened with other ladies here but imagine your FIL telling you that you have ego problems, feel too proud and dont bother to call your SIL frequently and so many other such disgusting things right in front of your MIL and your DH .......
    I cannot even speak anything, else he says....."there you go.!!!...see that ego and that anger, for no reason!!"

    But this time I summed up all courage and asked him....."then did you ask SIL to call me too or is it that I am only expected to call her?" "Anyways, we are in talking terms and you please do not imagine stuff which have not happened between us".......

    Thats it.!!....He blew the top out!!....Yelled and made a big deal and called me names.

    Sometimes, I think my mistake to talk back...I should have kept quiet and let the old man blabber....

    Problems with MIL is woman to woman and yeah though nasty it is common. I would not unerestimate the problems that women face with their MILs but imagine you having it with MIL and one-on-one with your FIL too...........
    I feel so broke and lost.....
     
    Tara09, Nov 10, 2011
    Tara09, Nov 10, 2011
    #59
    1 person likes this.
  10. Nov 10, 2011 #60
    ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: With no job, cold inlaws in the house, cold weather outside, no car to go out....

    Tara,
    You are repeating the negative things again and again. More you talk about it, think about it, write about it you are digging a deeper hole for your self. :spin So, stop the flash back. Fil said you said move on. I am sure your FIL is not even thinking about it and having a happy life.
    Whats going on with your Gym, New neighbor friend and kids school. Have the kids adjusted well to the new environment?
    Have you done winter clothe shopping. Coming from a warm state you would not have much winter stuff. specially for kids. Look for snow boots, heavy jackets and etc so kids and you can have fun in the snow. Better to shop now than waiting for the last minute.
    What happened with giving money to Sil :drowning I think thats the bigger issue you have right now with IL's than the comments from mil and fil.
    All the best.
     
    ars, Nov 10, 2011
    ars, Nov 10, 2011
    #60
    1 person likes this.
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