Conflicts between me and my soulmate

happygolucky · Oct 20, 2011

Hello all,

When i say "soulmate", it refers to my husband to whom i'm married to since more than 2yrs. I always thought we got along very well and never had any issues between us. That was true till my inlaws showed up this yr. I always knew they were intrusive and double tongued but when I treated them so well during their stay at my place,I thought that would solve all the misunderstandings between me and them. But things only got worse.

Immediately after going to India they poisoned my hubby's mind that my dad has insulted them regarding some money issues. When i came to know about it, I spoke to my parents and they said that it was my FIL who called my Dad and used abusive language,he asked to handover the property documents(which my parents promised to give me at the time of marriage) and jewelry to him. My dad refused to do so as they are already registered on my name and there's no point in handing girl's property docs to FIL. Dad also mentioned that whatever income they get every yr on my property,they are depositing it in my bank account in india. But FIL started abusing my Dad that we are all cheaters and that we are not on par with them in terms of status and dignity. He went ahead and said that they would never have chosen me as their DIL if they knew about my family before the wedding. This hurted my Dad and he yelled over the phone to FIL "Do whatever you want, the money and property stays on my daughter's name and she will decide what to do with it when she visits India". This hurted me too that even after being married for 2yrs and serving them day and night during their visit they said such horrible things about me. I conveyed the same to my husband. My Dad was ready to talk in a conference call with everyone about it,but my FIL refused to it saying that he never said such things. Y would he backout infront of others if he really did not say any of such things? My husband said he believes his Dad in this regard and not my parents. since then things have only gotten worse. My brother is getting married in November and I wanted to go before hand atleast a month before the wedding and helpout my mom with stuff. My husband shows immigrataion issues as a reason and said he wont visit. Atleast he should have the courtesy to call my brother and parents to explain the situation and apologize for not being able to make it. But he doesnt do that either. And about my trip, he says since I've been jobless for couple of months and my GC processing is under RFE, he wants me to go for 10days and then look for job. I've been looking forward for this India visit since 2 and half yrs. I never had a chance to go. Everytime I planned a visit he showed me a reason (my H1B stamping/inlaws visit etc). my parents and brother call me every single day to ask if I've booked my ticket yet. I'm really going mad with this situation. And moreover my husband says that while I visit, I should go to inlaws house from the airport directly and while returning also do the same. I asked him why didnt his sister do the same while she visited India.He said "thats a different case.You should do what I say". He also mentioned that I should take my shopping money from my FIL. We have joint savings account here and DH takes care of all the investment stuff etc. This pissed me off, I said I will not be comfortable asking him for money and that I will handle the money alone. He won't agree to this. I dont understand why he is being so stubborn about it. I do love him, but dont I deserve more freedom? DH is very understanding in any other matters but when it comes to money or inlaws he puts me through hell. I tried to explain him many times how much important my visit is for this wedding, but he shows some or the other reason to stop me from taking a long vacation. He visits his sister every 6mnths and his parents visit every yr,so he doesnt know the paiin I'm going through. Its been 2 and half yrs since I've seen my parents and brother. He doesnt even mention to invite my parents to visit us sometime next yr.But his parents are getting ready to visit again. Please guide me how to convince him in this regard. Thanks for ur time and patience. :coffee

Saumyamom · Oct 20, 2011

What do you want to do?Forget about him for an instance.
Can you handle your immigration fairly well with all the scenario that you have given ?If yes ,tell him that you have a plan and go ahead.. November is not that far.About your FIL,Let him go to hell for now. (excuse me for this language).Consider this as a lesson for your future planning whenever you have to deal with them again .Dealing with immigration comes as a part and parcel of being in US and is always a challenge to be met with every visit .Be strong ,use your head and not your heart to plan.Evaluate the risk and its mitigation yourself and then go ahead .Good luck.About money ,Can you guys not put both set of parents out of it?It causes more suspicion and has no benefits...Apart from that , can you guys negotiate and reach a middle ground ?Tell him after all the hell that you have been through ,May be you can consider paying them a formal visit once but not according to his dictates and to maintain both sides of the relations may be he could talk to your bro/family on his wedding day.

ProudIndian · Oct 21, 2011

I agree with Saumyamom. You only take care of all your imigrations papers. Take help from your HR, imigration lawyers etc. check all your documents properly. Keep both set of parents out of discussion right now. Be nice to your dh for time being.

Make a deal with him, that you will goto inlaws first and then goto parents place, will come from in laws place to airport only if he gives your money before going to India. In between your stay you can stay with your parents as long as you want right? May be its prestige issue for dh and inlaws.

Try to avoid who said what etc. If things don't get sort out nicely make your salary a/c separate in future so you don't have to ask for money from dh or FIL. Right not you atteding your brother's wedding is important. These kind of things happen between many couples and leave permanant scares on beautiful relations.....but husbands don't understand it...

semaphore · Oct 21, 2011

Happygolucky..
ILs side always complaint something abt dil's parents just to cut ties b/n son-il and girl's parents. Believe me they wont and wont agree to come face to face to talk abt such things as they will be at fault. Also they lose their son's trust for future accusations.. More we try to prove worse it gets. Just leave it there .. With this il's want girl's parents to be hurt and so indirectly dil's peace.
So ultimately their mission is successful and keeps on going ..

What shud not affect is, u and ur parents connection. Assure them that its ok to be that way for some time. Time heals and pls ask them to stop expecting. Dont talk abt past issue that ur il's had fed ur dh. I know its very very hard but dont touch ripples and cause more of it. With this you are not giving way to ur il's to poison more .. do you see that!
Kinda show them u ignore and ur parents are least bothered. This in a way gives some sanity to you. Poor parents dont have to suffer more accusations.

coming to bro's wedding.. Focus on enjoying wedding. Dont worry that he's not coming. With that you have full control of planning ur time while u r there. Go to their place.. rest and remove jetlag from ur body and then go fresh to ur parents .. While coming back go to il's and pack whole day and then leave from there..
Money ... U have joint savings here, ask ur dh to transfer X $ to ur acct in India. Take it from there.

Just chill .. Talk to dh that u will be missing him. Talk to him abt taking care of himself during ur absence etc. This is not with some intension; I am sure its there in heart and mind but due to situation may not come out.

happygolucky · Oct 21, 2011

@Saumyamom : Thanks for the reply. I really really want to go. I dnt care about my immigration. I will do whatever I can about the documentation etc, but rest is not in our hands to decide right. Keeping parents out of money issues was the one thing I specifically asked him to, but DH doesnt listen. He blindly follows whatever his mom and dad say. I told him that I will go to their place and stay for a couple of days during the visit, but he says its a formality(dont know who told him) that DIL should go to inlaws place first. I tried to convince him in every possible way, gave him the silent treatment, argued a whole day, explained what my plan was but no use. My cousins and relatives keep asking me when I'm gonna come every time i talk to them. They know how much I miss my family but my DH does'nt.:rant

happygolucky · Oct 21, 2011

@proudindian : Thanks for the response. I managed to save some cash every month. Its not a huge amount but may be i can handle my shopping for now. But there is no way I'm going to my FIL to ask for my expenses. I did'nt even liked asking money from my dad before my wedding. moreover my inlaws are very stingy ppl. I also told my DH that if I take money from FIL,he might think Im spending more. But DH says "its ur money,no one will ask u how much u spend". But its my self esteem that's stopping me to do so.

happygolucky · Oct 21, 2011

@semphore: Yeah I know that now. During their stay in US, i proved many times that my mil said horrible things about me to my face. DH even spoke to her once about it when i was sleeping(but i heard everything) and told her not to ill treat me. I didnt expect or needed an apology, but was happy that atleast DH now knows the truth about his mom. But god knows how she managed to brainwash him again in such a little time. I dont understand one thing, my FIL has put his own mother in an old age home far away in other city, he just pays monthly expenses,never visits her nor lets her visit him, she wasnt even invited to our wedding and my DH says I dont bond with his mom very well. Who cares? After I came to knw about that old lady,my hatred for inlaws grew much more, I cant help it.

Saumyamom · Oct 21, 2011

Unfortunately looks like you will have to pick and choose your priorities,if you really wanna go and so much so that immigration is secondary(i would ask you to consider revisiting this aspect) then your husband putting all these conditions should be secondary too.It would have been nicer if he were accommodating but even if he is not ,if you have set your mind ,you should let him know in no uncertain terms and start preparing because the marriage is close by now and there is not infinite time for dilly dallying.. Tell him (if you think you will ) start preparing and seriously apply for jobs once you are back

blessed · Oct 22, 2011

I sympathize with you, I know how hard it is when you have not seen your family for more than 2 years and how eager you are to attend your brothers wedding.

Look lady, your in laws will try their best to spoil your holidays and see that you don't enjoy your brothers wedding, the reason is simple they cannot c their DIL happy.

I am telling this out of my own experience, during my younger sis wedding, all my relatives were in my mom's place and u won't belive I was the last one to arrive, my MIL did all kind of drama's and Nakkra's to cancel my plans , I booked and cancelled my tickets nearly 3 times, each time I pack my bag, then she will either fall sick ( here sick means she even to do fake fainting, shivering) or some distant relative arriving, etc etc some how that mean lady succeeded in her mission and I had to go only 3 days before the wedding.

So now focus only on the wedding, enjoy it every bit ,never let them succeed in spoiling your mood, be calm and composed, even if they try to indulge in some fight, argument please don;t get involved just give a artificial smile and tackle the situation well.

chocolate · Oct 23, 2011

Happygolucky,I read your posts.The person you need to tackle now is not your in laws but your husband.What is the point of having joint account if you cant access your own money.Your husband just wants to prove his parents importance.Your decision is right in this point.No point asking your FIL for expenses.

You shud put your foot down and go for as long as you want.Discuss with him regarding this. If he sees your way well and good. Otherwise you can tell him to see your way becoz you havent seen your parents from past 2 yrs.Put your foot down as a last resort.

I am sorry, your husband also needs to see your priorities here.This visit will set a pattern for your future visits.

You also need to get a foothold of your status in marriage.Put your foot down and tell your husband you will take money from your joint a/c. Tell not ask.Be prepared for showdown but at the same time be firm.Do not buckle. Tuff decisions come by after making tuff choices.I admire your father for what he said to your in laws.Tell your husband you will go to your in laws for an equal duration as your parents.You see his way and he sees yours.Have a talk with your husband regarding money decisions.Good Luck.