Feel Dead living with an Unloving Spouse. Please advice

Hi all,

I am married with 2 small kids. Living in US for the last 4 years. Whenever I fall sick, my husband doesn't even care to ask how I am feeling. This hurts me a lot. Yesterday I had some root canal done, I was dying in pain. My husband didn't even ask a word about my teeth procedure or pain. With no friends here, I felt so bad.

I just told him that I am very upset that he is not even asking me a word whenever I am sick or dying with pain. But I always take care of him so much. He said " I wantedly didn't ask about your health. Because I don't feel like asking such things to you." I have seen him enquiring his parents or friends or colleagues when they are sick. His answer was like a slap on my face. But I was all in tears the moment he said this. But he continues to talk to me normally after this. But I still feel sad about his words. His reason for this statement "my possessiveness on him". I never like him interacting with women or going out with women for lunch. So we have had a lots of fights earlier because I always assume he is with someone. But now I don't ask anything and I have changed a lot. But he still has so much hatred towards me.

Should I continue talking to him as he does or let him sense how painful was his words. This is not only with tooth pain. This happens every time even when I am in unbelievable pain. He doesn't even care about me. I am feeling very lonely and all in tears, with no one to console.

 

Hi Rose,

thanks for the reply. Yes I have changed a lot. But sometimes I couldn't stop asking him when I feel something suspicious. I get irritated the moment he closes the mail box when i am around. I couldn't take the torture and sit next to him just to watch what he is doing in the system. When he says some hotel food is good and somone said so, I feel he has gone with somebody but just not discloses it to me. But somehow I don't throw my questions and remain quiet in order to prevent a dispute. Fighting every day is reduced to fighting once in 4 months. Because he recently joined a company where there are more women and few men, I always feel this way. He always likes helping other women at work. because he is the most experienced person, people take his help and finally he gets friendly with them. But he never talks or calls anyone from home. But has the habit of checking his office mails every now and then. He tries to stay awake some days until 12 to help them do their work (over phone) (after a fight, he stopped taking/working calls from home). But one of this woman speaks our native language and kind of speaks about movies and stuff to him. When we went for a get together, she was discussing about a movie. I was standing right there and she just said a hi to me and continued talking to my husband. She is also married and with her husband. This pisses me off. Why should a person help some other woman at work and carry her work on weekends when she doesn't know to do. I used to mind my business when I used to work. I have never did such things for any of my colleagues. But I keep everything inside and see to that I don't create a fight out of it.
Yes. I am taking the pain medications. Because he is less affectionate and doesn't show any sign of love, doesn't buy anything or doesn't even say I look good, I feel very upset and this is what is causing me so much trouble.

 

Thank you very much for your posts. I believe in Sai. Hope god will change my life some day. I don't think my husband will shower love or affection on me. He always says life is going to be like this for you forever (without love). Sometimes, I feel like going back to India and stay with my mom. Atleast I will have people around to speak and take care of me when I fall sick. But with 2 kids, my life will not be easy there. I cry to myself and keep quiet. I always think things have changed after staying in US for 4 years on a dependant visa and having kids. In india, I used to work and we used to start together to office and come home together. We used to go out to movies every weekend. There was no wireless internet connection and we shared one computer. Whenever he sends some email to his manager, he used to ask me to read it and verify it. But after coming to US, I had 2 kids and I am completely dependant on him. Most of my day goes cooking, cleaning and baby sitting which I didnt do when I were in India. To top it he joined a company where there are majority of woman workers. I think H4 and living in US, having 2 kids in a row has pushed me into such a situation. But in India, we used to have problems from inlaws. But that didn't cause a big gap between us.

A month ago I started searching for work desparately. Finally, I have occupied myself in online work. But very less pay according to US standarrds. Whenever I see some couple holding hands and walking together, I always feel sad for my situation.

argee,

Thanks. Yes. Maybe his ego is what is keeping him from asking me about my health. Even if i hold his hands when we are out, he will just push it off. When I ask, the answer would be "i don't like you or you change"
Yes. Sometimes I put the kids to sleep early and we watch a movie together. But I am the one who will be taking such intiatives. Otherwise, he will go to sleep even before the kids sleep. No we both are very attached to kids. Even if we leave them somewhere, we will be worried all the time about them. My 3 year old can stay well in the preschool. But the preschool is closed on weekends. But my 2 year old has separation anxiety and he will cry if i am not around. So i feel its too early for me to drop them somewhere and go for a movie night. My husband will definitely not like going out leaving the kids somewhere. So i think it should take time.
Weekends, we go out to temple, hotel or somewhere. But we hardly have anything to talk. Because he has all women at work, he is scared to say things that he talks in office. Because I may catch up a fight. So he always stays quiet. I work from home. So don't get a chance to go out and meet people.
Rose82
I already asked him this question "what he wants" . He says I have to change and he had experienced so much torture that he doesn't have love for me. He says he lives with me only for the sake of kids. In the last 6 months, I somehow found an online work and working from home. So its just to keep myself occupied and overcome my financial hurdles. He is also manipulative and we have many financial problems as well. Even the small money and the work I do is what that keeps me happy.
Just another girl,
Nice of you to remember me. I am ok. No professional help. I took a counselling once and confessed it to my husband. I think why I confessed it to him. This is why he calls me mental everytime. I am feeling very bad. No I didn't find any single friend. All I have is one of my college friends, who lives closeby. Since I have started to work from home, I hardly get time to meet people. My husband hates to bring people home. Even If i plan to arrange a birthday party for my kid at home, he immediately calls it a waste of money. He suggests we go out to some place and enjoy as a family.
If i am sick and tell him i need help. He will come home early, do all the house-hold work, baby sit my kids and allow me to take rest. But this happens only if i tell him I need help. But there is no single enquiry about my health. He will just say take medicines if i constantly tell him I am in pain.
He is very nice to the kids. He will help my kid with home work, play with them, drop her and pick her from school. He is very spiritual and does pooja every day. He comes for walks with me. He helps with feeding the kids and laundry. He loads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen when I am sick or tired. He makes coffee if i ask him to do. But he hardly talks. If i ask, he will say i don't feel comfortable talking to you.