1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Am i wrong ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by poorwife, Oct 7, 2011.

  1. poorwife

    poorwife New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    hello everyone, i desparately need some advice otherwise i am going to go mad.

    I am from small city in gujarat, i was brought up by abusive father and always fighting parents. My father harressed my mum a lot. I am a doctor by profession and i have done post graduation in medicine, i met my husband in medical school and married against my familys wish, most stupid decision of my life.

    I came to uk 5 years back, my husband had not done any post graduation and he came only after MBBS, so i am much more educated than my husband.
    My husband came to this country 8 years back and at that time his familys financial condition was very bad he worked hard and he used to send all money to his brother in india. beacuse of that my H has lots of debt which he never mentioned to me , i used to leave separately far away from him and earn money and gave it to my H to get rid of his debt. thereafter we started leaving together 2 years back when he transfered his job. we started trying for a family but i could not conceive initially. My H has one married sister who lives in uk who controls our life, even she decides which dinner set i should use.she interfered so much in our life.she wroks as a full time optometrist but she does not give single panny to household expenses, she would buy for her expensive i pod and phones, bags and clothes.

    my H never tells me anything about his family to me and always i was isolated . i do everything in the house, my H does nt do anything except eating and working. I work full time as a doctor and do everything in the house like cleaning, cooking , laundry and ironing.

    Last year we moved house, my H did not help me at all, i unpacked all the boxes, i had a new job so struggling with new job, was preparing exam which i had to clear in years time which was very difficult exam and to make thing more worse, my in laws arrived to our house, they first went to my SIL house where she fed them so much against me. therafter i go pregnanat and at that time, they all made a gang and started harressing me, i was really stuggling with initial pregnancy and they harressed me so much that i could not pass a single day without crying. they forced me to go back to india to my parents to stay for couple of weeks, at that time they keep on calling my parents and fought with them and told them so much bad words.

    my MIL told me that my H (their son) would kick me out when i will be five months pregnant, and she told me to get rid of my baby and leave the house she also told me that i will teach bad things to my child. unfortunately i lost my child at 3 months at that time my MIL told my H not to attend the hospital and they will amange. I was given 7 days of from work and at that time she made me to come for shpping with her and if i say no they would threaten me of divorce and phone my parents.my H told my parents that i have psychiatric problem and i need to see doctor, my parents made me to see pshychiatrist when i was in india and i was diagnosed to have depression.during all this time my parents did nt support me and abused me badly .I felt i am alone in this world. When my in laws left , i told my H that i need to see doctor as i am very suicidal and he told me that i have nothing wrng with me beacuse if i go and tell GP about all domestic abuse than my Husband can be in difficulty .

    I had lost anther 3 babies after that and i am really depressed in life, i have stopped talking to my in laws and my SIL . But i cant forget what they had done to me and always pick up fights with my H, he has started to bit me now and i just feel i am paying in life beacuse i fought with my parents and married to him. I am not doing well at work either just feel failure as well.

    My H tells everything to his parents even if he will tell howmany times he went to toilet today. i am just fed up of being a part of this illiterate family. Just fed up, sometimes i want to die . just simply tired in life

    please give me suggestion
     
    Loading...

  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear,

    If you are not happy with your life,how can you raise a happy baby and why do you want to bring another human life into the mess.I would suggest,for time being forget about having the baby.Even I don't see any good in your husband either.Live some place and start focusing on your carrrier,try to earn your own bread ,build confidence and don't even think about your husband.
    And go from there.Finish the exams,get better in work and leave everything beside.There is no point in you trying very hard for the family.You made a mistake now try to correct it.This is my advise.By looking at your situation,there is no way you can bring your husband to senses.He doesn't have sense.So take care of yourself first.Don't think you can save your marriage by obeying his orders.You are making more mess of your life.Take control of your life.
     
    2 people like this.
  3. sujisaran

    sujisaran Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    259
    Likes Received:
    157
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    hi friend


    really paining!!! here are you in dependent visa or work permit visa. if your husband husband abusing yo continuously means you can call 999. you just concentrate on your career and live independently, once if you cleared your exams you can work na? please for baby postpond some time then calmly think about the future then decide , don't get depressed. be confident and face the situation .

    regards
    sujisaran
     
  4. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    333
    Likes Received:
    29
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear

    a very warm and big hug to you. I am so sorry, that you have to go through all of this. Don´t give up hope, the way it will turn out, it will turn out allright.


    You are a Doctor. An educated woman. You are smart and intelligent. Your depression has clouded your view, but once the cloud pass, you know what is right or wrong. So, please get help for your depression. In todays day and age, depression is not a taboo anylonger. You are a Doctor, so you know, how many people actually suffer from it and how commen it is. Get help dear. Get help fast.

    Also, I personally think, that it is the wrong time to have a baby. You are depressed, any baby in your body will feel this and will try to revolt. Even babies in the stommies (stomach) need happy Mums. They suffer through every emotion you go through. Your aching is imprinted io them, they can feel your turmoil, they can feel how unhappy you are. And what is even worse. This feeling will never leave their lives, even after being born. I am 100% sure, that you want a heathly, happy baby. One that giggles and laughs, is naughty and cute. So for your future baby´s sake, get help to get out of the depression, so that you can give your baby a happy fundament. Whenever you are going to have babies, make sure that they are happy and you are happy. And I am sure, that you already know this all, so be wise and act wise.

    This might sound very cruel, and I am sincerely not trying to hurt you, but I think losing the babies is Gods`s sign to you, that the timing and surrounding for having babies is wrong and maybe even that the partner is wrong. He wants you to be happy and have a happy family.

    Also, you made a decision to marry your H. Good or bad, the decision is made. Long time ago. So no need to fret about something you choose in the past. Look into the future. Your future is bright. You are young, educated, smart, intelligent, heck you are a Doctor. So wisen up, take care of yourself, dont harm yourself further. Get help for your depression and than decide if you want to continue with this man. Divorce is not the end of the world, in most cases, it is the door to a better world, at least in the country you are living right now. You are financially independant, for a while you will manage just fine for yourself, and when the time is right, also all other aspects will fall in place.

    A bear hug again, my dear. Don´t lose up, get help, everything will turn out just fine.
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2011
  5. 27csweetangel

    27csweetangel Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    421
    Likes Received:
    74
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Looks like your husband despite of being a doctor himself is a educated illiterate..sorry to say this..Move on with life you are yourself a doctor,,you have a whole life ahead and a bright future..for baby, dont hurry to have one.Rest dont stress about money or things your husband gives to his sis,Mil ,FIL or there brothers sisters etc etc ,,after all this illtreatment,they shouldnt matter you at all... i would suggest not to think about them,forget them..for necxt pregnancy do not call inlaws..be firm,,if your mom dad are also not supportive its hard though try to manage with some paid help..many people do that..tel ur husband you dont want them during next pregnancy whenevr it happens..be firm or else we are not having kids ever..Then see if your husband really wants a life with you ...he will handle of you inlaws .
     
  6. poorwife

    poorwife New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    hello everyone again, thanks a lot for reply and help. i told my husband that i am ging to see psychiatrist and he went mad as if i tell to psychiatrist , he can be in trouble. He is going to india alone tomorrow on holiday didnot tell me while he booked his leave while i was having misscarriage.

    but thanks a lot , i have told him firmley that i am going to see psychiatrist and i donot want any baby till i recover from my depression. He told me not to disturb him while he is on holiday.
    but guys your help is really appreciated
     
  7. Missuk

    Missuk New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi ! It pains me to see a capable person like you suffering because of others.... a husband who keeps things from you and clearly has lot of familial baggage..also your own parents who are not proving to be very supportive.
    But don't lose heart... learn from the country you live in , females are so strong because they don't take much nonsense from anybody and have the capacity to move on..
    I understand the dilemma about wanting to stay with a person you think you love, especially when you married him against your parents wishes... there is a lot of personal responsibility there.. you are a capable person and have the ability to make things turn your way. One way is definitely by increasing your self worth, self esteem and finances.
    Start with seeing a doctor/ psychiatrist definitely... coz if you have been diagnosed with depression then you might need antidepressants for sometime.. . I live in Merseyside and would be able to talk you through your symptoms as I am also a female doctor practising psychiatry in UK.
    Take care and believe in yourself. God bless.
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,862
    Likes Received:
    5,090
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    You're taking a right approach.. wish you all the best.. sorry for the loss of babies and puppet you're married to.
    Pls heal yourelf first so that you can heal your patients well... your aim of life.. leave the puppet to himelf.
     
  9. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    804
    Likes Received:
    847
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Poorwife

    Hugs to you. I am very sad to read your story. I can't believe you are doctor and you are taking all this abuse for such a long time. Why are you so timid? If I was in your place I would have left this man long time back and lived on my own. Dear you have bright future ahead but not with this man. Be firm and strong. Take care of your health first and move on in life. Don't hope to change this psycho. Not all men are like him.

    Because you did love marriage against your parents wishes doesn't mean you have to suffer forever. Marriage and divorce is not end or life. Take control of your life. Make your own destiny. God has given you second chance in life. Since your dh is on holiday prepare yourself to separate from him permanantly. God will help you if you help yourself. There is lot of support and help available if you look for it. Please take some action and file for divorce.
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. cpanda

    cpanda New IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Ya, don't be depressed. There is more to life than an abusive husband and worse in-laws. Move on and try to support yourself and save money for urself. If you husband harasses you again, file a divorce and inform your GP/police about the harrassment. I live in UK and I know that here socienty and government will support you well. take care and please postpone pregnancy now. It probably the wrong time. take care
     

Share This Page