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Feel like Stabbed, No one to Console, Please help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by unhappywife, Sep 29, 2011.

  1. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Nice suggestions.

    You want him to talk politely but you end up shouting. You start to change him but end up behaving like him!!

    As Rums said, you can ask your kid not to say like this dady just wanted to wash youd face. And go yourself and give child to him.

    He is having some problems somewhere. No dont ask his problems to him. He will get more pissed off. He needs to Anger Management classes. I am sure he wont go if you ask for.
     
  2. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Very sorry about your situation, I know how bad you feel when he says " he is not in love with you any more" he is deliberately trying to hurt you because I feel he is jealous that your kids are more close to you then him.

    But he shouting and you also shouting back at top of your voice will make the situation more worse, just try reasoning with him, tell him openly that you are ready to change your behavior according to him and you wish the same from him.

    When he calm and in good mood, that is when u go for long walks, let him know that you love him and how it hurts when he says that he doesn't love you, tell him he is more important to you than any one else in the world. Sure he will change, have patience, hope you get back all the happiness in your life
     
  3. zipzipzoomzoom

    zipzipzoomzoom Gold IL'ite

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    This screams of Domestic Violence. Throwing objects to cause Physical Harm.

    When (and it better be the next time he throws something at you) you phone 911, stay firm. Your husband is not scared of you, but he will shake in his boots when the police show up.

    You don't have to get him arrested, just ask about sending him to Anger Management classes, mention that your kids are scared of their father.

    One of the Ladies on these boards has gone through your situation, and she is in a better situation now with her husband.

    And hold your kids tight next to you. Remember, you are living for the happiness and safety of your kids!
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    I am not sure are you going to understand my post or not.But I will try to put as much I could.

    Here in US,not only you lot of us would feel lonely.Even though we have freinds,we never going to get childhood friedns.If we were in India it should have been different story but in US it's very different.
    Somehow we have to find ways to cope up because we are staying here.Even making friends it's not a easy business.

    Second:Taking care of you when you are sick.How many times your husband get sick and do you take care of him well.I feel it's extremely difficult to take care of person for coulg ,cold or any minor things espeicially for a person who is working and worrying to feed a family.Ofcourse he can do if we have extermly lovely bond.
    but it's simply not possible for many men and they don't even look thay way.My husband would be extrely have the cold but still he works.And he doesn't expect much from me.But If I were in the situation,as a women we expect lovely dovely from them.But anyway,what I am saying is,we may need to reduce the expecations of taking care of us.Actually we can take care of ourself.

    Thind:Coming to kids.Even in my house,I have similar situations.but we also need to understand there view point.May be he is hurt,we don't understand and can't see it though our eys.

    But he talked more than what he supposed to talk at that point.So he had something running in his mind about you all the time.I went and looked your othere post.What I see is,he had feeling and suffering that you may be dominating him.Dominating in the sense,may be you are extermely good in something which may be lowing his selfesteem not able supress his EGO.

    Did you ever appretiate his good things?I would suggest constantly don't put yourself down like I don't have job and I am this and that.Understand your current situation and try to live in that situation,appretiate your husband efford whenever you can and try to learn the things which you could.And see how it goes.

    See weahter you can improve the reation between both you.Here I am not going to preach about equal rights but to live in peace and happy we need to forget about something.Don't worry that he is enquiring your mother or not.Even though he enquire what you are going to get?As long as you talk to her that's all matter.So don't expect things from him and make youself unhappy more and more.Just expect him what he is and go from there and build a foundation on top of it.
     
  5. unhappywife

    unhappywife Silver IL'ite

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    Dear ILs,

    Thank you so much for all your responses. So many thoughts and so many ideas. Sure, next time he speaks loudly to my kid, i will better keep quiet rather than asking him to stay calm.

    Yess. He gets jealous when the kids get more close to me and doesn't go to him. In our house, all of us were attached to mom and my father never took offense. But I am shocked to see my husband feeling J when the kid doesn't go to him and comes running to me. He was so upset other day because she runs to me even if he talks a word to her. So that is why he called out I am doing such things to separate the kid from him. Oh man, will any mom stop her kid from going to dad. I asked him to talk softly only to get the kid close to him. Nothing else.

    I had been extremely possessive and had the habit of checking his mails often and used to stop him to talk from every single woman on the earth. I went for a therapy sesssion. Later on I disclosed that to him. Now every time we fight, he says I am mental and have some mental problem. Blames my mom for marrying me to him. This makes me feel so offended. I always wonder why did i tell him that i went for psychotherapy session. Being brought up in a conservative background,, I cannot take it when he speaks to any woman other than official matters. He has been outgoing and had many woman friends earlier before marriage (all of them were married). They used to go out for lunch and stuff.

    One recent incident. We went for a family get together (official). His colleague who came with her husband, just came rushing to him and was asking to him about some movie. I was standing nexxt to my husband with my kids. She didn't even bother to ttalk to me. She just smiled and continued talking to my husband. He had helped that lady with office work. But I felt bad, may be he would have told her about me. That is why she is simply ignoring me. Although I was upset, I didnt tell my husband because he may again call me a mental.

    But being brought up from a conservative family, I had to fight with him every now and then. But for the last few months, I never check his mails nor question anything about his office things. But still he keeps calling me mental. I feel so bad for it. just because I disclosed I wnet for therapy.

    I once checked his system and found that he had watched ****. But he said he did that because he was away from home (2 weeks in a different state) and felt sorry for it (that was 1 year ago). But these days he forgot the word SORRY in his dictionary. If i blame him pointing out his earlier mistake, he says I don't feel like having S with a mental like you. I will watch ****, what can you do? Its my house..

    He uses the internet to read news and watch facebook videos or information shared by his friends. The moment I walk near his system, he will abuse me as though I am trying to read all his messages or suspicious or mental. He will even switch screens. But he sits in an area that is well visible to everyone. I can very well see what is running in his system from my kitchen. He does this after I blamed him for sitting in a corner and using the laptop. I am sure he is not watching **** when I am around. But I can never join him in internet activities, because the only thing he does is to check his fb messages,emails and news.

    Yes he is egoistic. In India, when I used to get good jobs with a better pay (although not higher than him), he used to have a long face and I can easily find out he is upset although he doesn't tell me that. If i take up some part time work and keep working, he will volunteer somebody else's work at office on weekends and try to show that he is more busier than me.

    Ok. let him not appreciate. But I hate his habit of pulling me down in front of my kids. I wear contact lenses and he often says to my kid "if you watch tv closely, you may end up blind like your mom". If you don't brush your teeth properly, "your teeth will get discolored like your mom". I felt so bad that yesterday I went to the dentist and confirmed a dental zoom/whitening appointment and decayed tooth extraction. I had been sacrificing so much for the sake of being on H4 and living without money. I had been having decayed tooth and had been living with it for four years taking pain medication just because he always says he can't afford for dentist. Now I just started working on part time for india from here, I thought I should start taking care of myself rather than spending my money on family needs.

    Basically, he has some strong dislike towards me. On top of it financial pressure. He is a very manipulative person and his parents are also like that. Even when I used to work, he used to stop me from spending on clothes or gadgets. Now all his salary goes for rent, school fees and loans. So, he cannot take the financial pressure. Before marriage, his situation was different. He earned lakhs in gulf and used to send so much money to his parents and siblings. He used to surprise me with gifts and was very nice to me after our engagement until first few months of marriage. Just few months before marriage, his parents made him buy a big house on loan(all his 10 lakhs savings went for downpayment) so that most of the salary goes on it. His parents live in that house. After coming to US and having kids, the loans have got higher and finding it very difficult to survive here. Most of the days, we don't even have money to buy basic groceries.

    He knows my poor background, where my mom is old, father is no more and brother is totally behind his wife. So, this is a big credit for him. Now I don't have a job too. He always says get out of the home with the kids. Because he very well knows I can't go anywhere and cannot make a living. Every time he says he will be very happy without me.

    His current office. More women and less men. All of them speak our native language tamil. So he is always happy at office. He is the sound technical person and alll of them seek him for help. So his ego has boosted and feels very superior. A year ago he was not like this. He was better because he was working for a big client and he didn't have anyone to ask his help.

    I have underestimated myself so much. I used to share with him all my problems, like my brother's wife's sinesterical behavior and my mom's lack of finance everything to him. Now he knows my complete background. Recently I had an interview with an Australian client on skype. I asked for 7 dollars an hour. He was ok with it and said how will manage to survive in CA with 7 USD. I said my husband supports me financially. The moment I finished the call I came and told my husband about what the client said. So he feels more dominating now thinking that I am totally dependant on him and I cannot survive without him. I think i should keep quiet and stop sharing things with my husband thinking he is my soulmate. I think only men in love marriages are more understanding. Being an arranged marriage, I think my husbannd always takes credit of my problems and pulls my leg whenever there is a fight.

    Hope God helps me get a well paid job in a sooner time. I couldnt stop myself from crying to my mom. Now she is very upset and she is asking me to relocate to india once the visa expires. So that I can live with my inlaws and go for a job. When inlaws are around, he won't raise his voice or shout at the kids. But inlaws are very dominating and never let me even cook what i want and very manipulative when it comes to money. They will be checking price tag of whatever I buy and poisoning my husband about my spendings. So I am literally confused. Husband wants to stay back in the US and doesn't like relocating inspite of our tough economical situation. He says after getting GC and i start working, things will change. But i don't see that happening.

    Thank you so much, everyone.
     
  6. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Trust me I feel so sad for what you are going through. Honestly I am not sure what to advice you. Other posters have given some good advices. I hope it would be so much of help and encouragement for you.

    You cannot change your husband. Try to change yourself like expecting less from him, do things that makes you look and feel good, do interesting stuffs with your kids etc. Your husband would slowly realize that he can't determine your happiness and would stop insulting or hurting you as he knows it will not make you unhappy and hurt.

    If possible, take in orders like baking cookies, cakes. You can earn some extra income by doing this.

    Stay strong.
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    You have your own baggage to work on and top of it you have lot of worries and complains on your husband.You both are equally at mistake.So first work on your issues and reduce worrying about your husband as much as you can then you can make your life little happy.
     
  8. unhappywife

    unhappywife Silver IL'ite

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    @ Priya16 and other ILs,

    Thank you very much for your postings. Yes, I take care of my husband well even when he has a common cold. I make pepper rasam, soup and keep checking about his cold by calling him or on chat (when he is at office). So, I take care him well even though he doesn't ask me a word when i am sick. I didnt realize this for all the 6 years bcos kids were there and I was busy. Suddenly, when i stop and think back, I realize he has been reacting like this since 2 year of marriage. Cooking, Yes I keep his meals ready and evening I make special tiffin for him while he heads back from office.

    Some good things about him - He makes morning coffee and cereals for me, even before I head the kitchen. Earlier it used to be a surprise now thats a routine. He feeds the kids for dinner. He helps with laundry if i ask him to do. He prays god, does pooja and stuff every day befofre going to office. Loads dishwasher, if I am terribly sick and ask him to help with it.

    Ok, I will try to appreciate more. Don't know whether this will work. Because he would remain silent even for an appreciation. Anyway things have gone far behind, I don't know whether he will change. Left it to god. Now another problem is I have been tested pregnant. I don't want one more child here (with already 2 kids and financial problems). So i have decided to go on a abortion. I am feeling so low and upset. But he doesn't even bother about it. No consoling words or anything. Please keep me in your prayers.
     
  9. chocyGal

    chocyGal Silver IL'ite

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    I have been (am) in your situation. You are going through what many Indian wifes in US go through. Here , we have everything in life - car,house , a decent lifestyle- but life. Loneliess is the only companion here. People in India cannot understand what we go through. People in US cannot understand what our background is. Finally, we belong nowhere. As somebody mentioned, having a real friend whom we can trust and share our joy and sorrow is very difficult though we have potlucks, get-togethers and parties. Coming to US on H4 is like bringing a lion on monkey visa. Though you are very strong and have lot of potential you have to act like a monkey because you were brought here on monkey visa plus you have no money .In this situation we see our DH as saviour/knight and a small frown from him makes the whole world fall apart because we think our DH is the whole world.
    Time and patience are the best cure for this situation. keep yourself occupied in things that you enjoy. Pamper yourself. Get facial or a new dress for you when you feel depressed. Look around and there are plenty of nice thngs in this world. Give your kids love and nice education. Put you DH in back burner (not literally... though sometimes I wish I could put mine literally lol). Everything will pass by and nothing is end of the world.

    Financial independence is very important, so keep up your efforts on getting a job. Every woman wants husband like lord 'Ram' but if only 'Sitha' had an IL account her post would have been longer than yours. cheer up!!
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. beesidhu

    beesidhu New IL'ite

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    Well my dear what can i say ???? i am in a similar situation ..married for 32 yrs now but when i look back actually i have done nothing for myself always put him his issues in front but it is getting very tiering ...not gettingyounger we all have our mistakes after all we r humans ..but it is always my fault ..i dont know how /when to talk or raise my voice and many more ...if u have been left alone and just talk to only abt things which he wants to talk or how he wants to talk wht can i do ???? i have tried talking but no use ..he is always RIGHT !!! it is sad that how my life has gone by but what kinda response i get ....totally zero ...Wht love wht sex ...i think i have forgotton ...i am just keeping quiet but it is hurting ...and i cant seem to give my self answers.....phone /laptop these r more important after reading this thread could not help myself but to share ...i dont share any of this with anyone ..around me ...honestly dont even feel like talking to anyone !!!
     

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