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feeling sick of mil's behaviour

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by neelu12, Sep 15, 2011.

  1. neelu12

    neelu12 New IL'ite

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    Hi friends ,

    IAm back on IL after a long time..I went to india on a long vacation and has been back recently..as some of you know I went back to India and had no plans to return to usa but my hubby requested me to come back and promised a good life for us together..now my problem is with my mil..she has again started ill treating me and my baby this time..while I was in India I had visited her and she made my life hell,iam just not able to forgive her this time ,I try to forget her but just not able to do it..sometimes it seems like everything is fine but sometimes it hits me hard..

    I keep questioning me what harm did i do to her that she has behaved so with me..even today when my husband calls her she would never ask about my baby,but both of them(my hubby and his mom)would be talking about my sil's kids(ie my hubby's sister's kids)I really wonder how does my hubby speak to her so coolly without questioning her about her behavior towards my baby.

    Iam really going sick day by day thinking about the hurt she caused..I just hate her ,I really do..she made my initial days of marraige a hell ..i managed to forgive her then but now she started to behave the same way with my baby which iam just not able to tolerate..I really hate her that she has stooped to such a level that she wouldn't even spare her own grand kid from her nasty behaviour.I fed up with her wish that she had not existed in my life..

    god I want tor really forget the pain she is giving me,but how do i do it?friends have u ever gone through such a pain ,if so how did you manage to handle the pain..pls do help.
    two things are bothering me ..one is her nasty behaviour towards meandmy daughter and the other is my hubby not feeling like asking her what made her do so.Infront of me he would accept that his mother was wrong in doingso when I visited her but would not want to question her.
     
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  2. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    yes I have been through this pain ample times and i could not revive without medical help. I had similar issue (and still do) but not the same.

    Questions for you.
    1) does your MIL leave with you or visit you often...basically how long do you have to be with her physically
    2) Does your DH forces you to have relstionship with MIL, like having to talk to her and doin thigns for her etc

    If answer to #1 is that you have to spend minimal time with her physically
    and if answer to #2 is no, then forget the past...take medical help if need be and focus on winning over your DH and just ignore that he does not understand that ur MIL does not talk about ur baby.

    That way just 3 of you will be happy at-least.

    If answers to my questions are different than talk to your DH about your pain and how u feel. It is essential that u have an adult conversation and do not start talking with frustrstion. It can create -ve image about u. I have learnt that lesson in a bad way. DO not shout or something, just sit down and talk it out calm way. see what ur DH response is and go from there.
     
  3. neelu12

    neelu12 New IL'ite

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    HI anamika ,Thanks alot for your fb.
    well to answer your questions as of now I do not have to spend any time with her physically as Iam in usa and she is in India.I will have to live with her whenever I visit India. Right now my hubby is not forcing me to talk to her because she herself is not ready to do so.
    You are right that i got to talk to my hubby about it.But first of all I want to forget the pain she gave me .iam trying various ways but not being able to anyways thanks alot for your reply,I really appreciate that.
    Thanks,
    Neelu.
     
  4. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    neelu, i know what u r going through. Surely it is not easy at all. Medition, youga , art of living blah blah blah can help , it surely can but unfortunately does not give instant results. And you need instant resluts. I would suggest see your doc and explain. I did that once and as soon as i started talking i was in tears before i finished my first sentence, my doc knew right away what was going on and it helped that she was indian so she was familiar with our culture. She put me on medication and booom...magic happened.

    Mood swings, feelings tensed, remain in pain...all r sign of depression....professional can figure out what kind. In our culture people thing it is shameful to be in depression. But actually admitting need of help takes lots of courage and depression is not sign of weakeness, it says you have been staying strong for too long for the wrong reasons.

    GO GET HELP
     
  5. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    Iam glad anamika you seeked professional help, even MIL in their late 40s 50s an 60s need professional help during menopause or post menopausal period, their hormones change significantly, get depressed, irritablbe, insecure, feel useless since kids are grown up, tend to micromanage grown up kids lives, donot take care of their health. Most of the women I know in their 50 are on medications, not indian women, when I suggested this to my own family they refused.
     
  6. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Just Chill dear!!
    From your post it is clear that you are staying miles apart from your MIL and you don't even need to talk to her on phone! so take this as your blessing and enjoy your life with your daughter and DH.

    When he is on phone with his mom, just leave the place, don't hear their conversation, when it does not involve you or your baby, then why listen to them, let them talk about your SIL's kid or any one else's kid, just don't bother to ask your DH what he spoke to his mom, just ignore...... her calls.

    Neelu, I lost my MIL very recently, if you go through my previous posts u will understand what all I went through and she being live and blood with me till her death, no way I could escape from her as my DH is her only son.
    Of course her memories keep haunting but if I need a healthy atmosphere I should not let the negative thoughts affect me, so I try my best to forget her past deeds.

    Don't worry, never take her topic to your DH, talk about your daughter, movies, etc etc and keep smiling. All the very best.
     
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  7. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi BB, how come u were refused to get medical help? was it for u or for MIL? If it was for you u had every right. My DH is like that too, like why take depression medication, we should be strong enough. I did nto care for his comments or what anybody had to say, i did what my doc said for the sake of my kid. I m so sane now . at-least compared to before...that i m glad i got help. it does help a lot, and i am again on the urge of getting help again , it is getting too much to handle my in-laws now.....andi still have 8 weeks to go. I am just in mid 30s yet i take it, it is as i said, i have been stong enough for too long - good 13 years, i can not anymore. I hope u get what u need

    (sorry Neelu, did not mean to sidetrack ur thread, i was just upset that how come BB was denied medical help)
     
  8. neelu12

    neelu12 New IL'ite

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    You are so right anamika, My initial marraige days were hell because of MIL..she would not like it if we( me and hubby) are together.shewould goto any extent..soon after marraige i coud not take the crap from her an dfell so sick and even then she would not like it if my hubby would take me to the hospital,she used to blackmail him saying that she would commit suicide if he took me the doctor,just imagine my plight,i used to go to the doctor all by myself,one day while talking to my doc,i started crying and that is when she understood what exactly iam going through and gave me sleeping pills for a week and some other medication that is when we decided to move to usa.
    you are right I want to seek professional help but my husband is against it.
    Thanks so much for your fb,it helps so much when you know that someone actually understands you. thanks anamika.


    Thanks for your fb blessed, i never stay in the same room when my hubby is on phonewith them,the other day it so happend that me and my baby were sleeping in the bedroom and my hubby made a call from the same room and so i woke up and heard their conversation(it was not intentional).
    Iam sorry about your MIl,hope you gorget your past.Thanks for your wishes.

    Thanks,
    neelu.

    Hey anamika that is ok dear,no problem at all,after all we are all here to help each other.

    thanks,
    Neelu.
     
  9. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    Neelu:
    I think you should take it as a blessing that she is not interested in your baby otherwise she will be in your business night and day which is far worse. Just try and remember that there is something wrong with her to treat both of you badly and so stay away from her and try to get objectivity that its not you, it's her that is the problem. This is a valuable ability to learn, that objectivity, and will aide you in your future so use this as a tool to grow and then move on mentally. (I know, easier said than done but still, keep trying.)
     
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  10. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    Anamika
    I never had MIL, now I dont have both inlaws, I was mentioning about women in general from my experience, I have freinds in late 40s to mid 50s most of them are on hormones, antidepressants or anxiolytics and my parents in early 60s not on meds I wish my parents took my advice.
     

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